


Hamsquad™

by rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: I can't believe I did this, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Character(s), Sin™, angelica is a demigirl and madison is a trans man and maria is...not cis, protect nb laf and peggy at all costs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-05-23 23:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 86,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6133601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars/pseuds/rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words to convince you that you're a fucking dick."</p><p>And that's it. That's the whole fic. The Hamsquad™ in a group chat, throwing shade, being very gay, and generally having a good time. Please be sure to read the author's notes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. eliza is sick

**Author's Note:**

> no trigger warnings so far. please be aware that some of the tagged characters won't be present until later chapters :) this isn't really a crack fic but it's ?? not exactly serious lmao. concrit and comments very welcome! (i'm sticking to the fandom wide headcanon that laf and peggy are genderfluid, i'm 1000% here for that. if i messed up pronouns anywhere for them, PLEASE call me out on it so i can fix it.) also, character usernames are as follows (they're pretty straight forward but just in case u wanted to know) (more usernames will be added in later chapters when the other characters show up): whambamthankuham = alex, heavens2betsey = eliza, turtle = john, lagayette = lafayette, angel(ica) = angelica, margaritaville = peggy, h0rsefucker: hercules

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** ELIZA IS SICK

            **angel(ica):** ur username is too long my dude

            **whambamthankuham:** THATS NOT THE POINT

**whambamthankuham:** ELIZA! IS! SICK!

**lagayette:** i agree about the name

**whambamthankuham:** am i going to have to make a dick joke to get u to be quiet

**lagayette:** couldn’t hurt ay lmao

**whambamthankuham:** TOO BAD

**whambamthankuham:** ELIZA! IS! SICK!!!!!!

**heavens2betsey:** i’m not sick

**whambamthankuham:** U R SICK

**heavens2betsey:** i sneezed once this morning

**whambamthankuham:** WHERE IS LAURENS

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**whambamthankuham:** JOHN

**turtle:** stop

**whambamthankuham:** MY DEAR LAURENS THANK GOD

**whambamthankuham:** ELIZA IS SICK

**heavens2betsey:** i m n o t s i c k

**whambamthankuham:** i disagree

**h0rsefucker:** eliza u sick???

**heavens2betsey:**  N O

**turtle:** r u tho

**whambamthankuham:** R U ??????

**angel(ica):** i’ve never been sick before

**heavens2betsey:** that’s tru actually

**whambamthankuham:**??? eliza im concerned about ur health but also. what???

**angel(ica):** i got chickenpox once and that was all

**heavens2betsey:** i have a working theory about her immunity

**turtle:** explain

**heavens2betsey:** she is too perfect so the germs die before they get close enough to infect her

**turtle:** ok that seems true actually

**whambamthankuham:** i agree with that

**h0rsefucker:** yah imma say that’s real

**lagayette:** viruses don’t infect angelica

**lagayette:** angelica infects viruses

**angel(ica):** IJDFJAIDFJDAIOJFIADJIOAFJLIJ

**angel(ica):** THAT’S SO NICE IM CRYING

**angel(ica):** and also true lmao

**angel(ica):** it’s ok ellie ur perfect too

**heavens2betsey:** thank u seester ily

**heavens2betsey:** so if im sick who’s gonna get me ice cream??

**whambamthankuham:** no sugar

**whambamthankuham:** bad for ur immune system

**whambamthankuham:** no caffeine either

**whambamthankuham:** drink water

**whambamthankuham:** & broth

**turtle:** i will bring u ice cream eliza

**heavens2betsey:** john is my new bf

**whambamthankuham:** WHAT

**whambamthankuham:** OFFENSIVE CONTENT

**whambamthankuham:** SHOW ME LESS OF THIS!!

**whambamthankuham:** I! DONT! WANT! IT!

**whambamthankuham:** WAITER U SENT THE WRONG THING!! SEND IT BACK!!!

**turtle:** u brought this on urself alex

**h0rsefucker:** wasn't eliza already dating u AND john before this

**whambamthankuham:** THAT'S NOT THE POINT

**whambamthankuham:** When I Die, Then U Will Realize

**angel(ica):** Realize…

**lagayette:** stop this now

**h0rsefucker:** Real ize…

**angel(ica):** Real Eyes…

**whambamthankuham:** no one wants this

**whambamthankuham:** stop

**h0rsefucker:** R e a l E y e s…

            **angel(ica):** R e a l L i e s….

            **h0rsefucker:** REAL LIES

            **heavens2betsey:** angelica and hercules u r both grounded

            **heavens2betsey:** this family is so toxic

            **heavens2betsey:** go to ur rooms right now

            **h0rsefucker:** mother pls

            **whambamthankuham:** that sounded weird

            **whambamthankuham:** don’t do that

            **angel(ica):** mom

            **h0rsefucker:** mother

            **angel(ica):** eliza more like e-u-give-me-LIFE-a amirite lmao

            **h0rsefucker:** u took that one REALLLLY far but i think u pulled it off

            **lagayette:** uh

            **lagayette:** how u say

            **lagayette:** what the shit is going on here

            **turtle:** laf

            **turtle:** don’t pretend like u don’t know how to say what the shit is going on here

            **lagayette:** how. u. say.

            **turtle:** pls don’t hurt me

            **lagayette:** john laurens is a weenie

            **whambamthankuham:** OOOOHHHH

            **angel(ica):** ur all fucking lame

            **h0rsefucker:**  be quiet angelicai just heard the john cena theme play really loud

            **heavens2betsey:** holy shit

            **turtle:** betsey im going to buy u ice cream

            **heavens2betsey:** omg nvm ilysm @ my new bf

            **whambamthankuham:** liza this is a cruel joke

            **heavens2betsey:** john is bringing me ben & jerry’s

            **heavens2betsey:** what makes u think this is a joke

            **angel(ica):** 911 hello yes i just witnessed a murder

            **whambamthankuham:** why can’t i live in peace

            **whambamthankuham** _has left the group: ‘_ **hamsquad’**

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**heavens2betsey:** and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always lovvveeee uuuuu

**turtle:** betsey im at ur apartment with ice cream

**heavens2betsey:** IM BUZZING U UP

**whambamthankuham:** im an orphan why do u guys insist on bullying me

**whambamthankuham:** When I Die, Then U Will Realize.

**angel(ica):** STOOOOP

**lagayette:** IM LEAVING THIS CHAT

**lagayette:** AU REVOIR

**lagayette:** ok so it turns out that i don’t know how to leave the chat. can someone help me pls.

**h0rsefucker:** that was literally the saddest string of messages i have EVER read in my  LIFE

**h0rsefucker:** laffy taffy i am so sad for u

            **lagayette:** i don’t need ur pity

            **lagayette:** BUT

            **lagayette:** i WOULD like someone to show me how to leave the chat

            **h0rsefucker:** no

            **whambamthankuham:** no

            **angel(ica):** no

            **heavens2betsey:** no

            **turtle:** no

            **heavens2betsey:** get comfy bih

            **lagayette:** how u say ‘ur all fucking dickheads’?

            **h0rsefucker:** like that

            **h0rsefucker:** u said it just right

            **heavens2betsey:** u coming over to share the ice cream tho alex??

            **whambamthankuham:** I Thought Only Ur New Boyfriend Was Invited

            **heavens2betsey:** childish. if u don’t come now, i will eat all the cookie dough bits.

**whambamthankuham:** JK IM ALREADY ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE UR APARTMENT I’VE BEEN HERE FOR 15 MINS WAITING FOR U TO INVITE ME IN

            **turtle:** i’ll get u a spoon

            **whambamthankuham:** THX BABY BOY

            **whambamthankuham:** ok buzz me up quick tho it’s rly hot out here

            **lagayette:** i wanna be a part of ur world

            **heavens2betsey:** ….come over then?

            **lagayette:** CAN I MOM

            **whambamthankuham:** STOP CALLING ELIZA MOM

            **whambamthankuham:** I HATE THIS NEW TREND

            **lagayette:** let’s make this a

            **lagayette:** how u say

            **whambamthankuham:** d o n ‘ t

            **lagayette:** m e m e

            **whambamthankuham** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

            **heavens2betsey** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**turtle** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**lagayette:** how u say GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

            **h0rsefucker:** don't worry laf i still love u

            **lagayette:** :-) merci beaucoup mon amour

            **h0rsefucker:** ♡♡♡♡

 


	2. and peggy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so we left off with laf and herc being the only ones in the chat. now peggy arrives at last, angelica gets burned, alexander wants to know if the government hates him, hercules is trying his best, eliza is asleep, laf memes really hard, and john just wants to eat ice cream in peace. TLDR; everything is peggy and nothing hurts. 
> 
> username translations are as follows, just in case anyone forgot: whambamthankuham = alex, heavens2betsey = eliza, turtle = john, lagayette = lafayette, angel(ica) = angelica, margaritaville = peggy, h0rsefucker: hercules. french translations will be in the end author's notes if you're curious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still no trigger warnings. also, i put what probs should have been 2 chapters into 1, sorry not sorry. concrit and comments welcome as always! (once again, please let me know if i mess up pronouns for laf or for peggy! i've caught myself slipping up a couple of times while i was editing this chapter, so if you spot a place where i've missed a correction, don't hesitate to tell me!) check the end notes for french translations. (i mention this in the end notes too, but i don't speak french. i'm going off of google translate, so if i've messed anything up, tell me so i can fix it! thanks xoxo)

**h0rsefucker** _has added_ **whambamthankuham, heavens2betsey, turtle,** _and_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **lagayette:** nice to see u again u dickheads

 **angel(ica):** shhh

 **angel(ica):** can i add peggy to this chat

               **h0rsefucker:** yes

               **lagayette:** oui

               **whambamthankuham:** no i think peggy hates me

               **heavens2betsey:** they don’t hate u

               **turtle:** peggy loves me

               **h0rsefucker:** no one loves u

               **turtle:** FAKE

               **turtle:** FUCK OFF U DIRTY HORSE FUCKER

               **turtle:** UR DISGUSTINg ho W DAR E U treAT ME LiiKE THIS IN M y o WN hOMe

               **h0rsefucker:** what is wrong with u

               **turtle:** i don’t know

               **angel(ica):** k im gonna add them so just?? be normal and don’t mess up their pronouns

               **angel(ica)** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **margaritaville:** hello

               **margaritaville:** it’s me

 **angel(ica)** _has removed_ **margaritaville** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **lagayette:** that’s not fair let them back in

               **angel(ica)** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **angel(ica):** I CHANGED MY MIND

               **angel(ica):** PEGGY NO MEME-ING

               **margaritaville:** u don’t own me

               **angel(ica):** i’ll kill u

               **margaritaville:** then who would be left to fix ur weave

 **angel(ica)** _has removed_ **margaritaville** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **angel(ica):** THIS FAMILY IS SO TOXIC

               **angel(ica):** IM DELETING

               **heavens2betsey:** that was tragic im screaming

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **heavens2betsey:** margarita pls stop bullying people

               **margaritaville:** sorry

               **margaritaville:** love u angel

               **angel(ica):** tuck a napkin into ur collar and eat my whole ass u punk kid

               **whambamthankuham:** the schuyler sisters, everyone

               **margaritaville:** *siblings

 **margaritaville:** im not a sister

               **margaritaville:** i mean im not a brother but

               **margaritaville:** not either, my guy

               **whambamthankuham:** oops im sorry

               **whambamthankuham:** the schuyler siblings

               **margaritaville:** ILY

               **whambamthankuham:** :’’’) ILY2

               **turtle:** if that wasn’t a summary of ur entire dynamic i don’t know what is

               **lagayette:** i love peggy

               **lagayette:** peggy

               **margaritaville:** who r u

               **lagayette:** im ur

 **lagayette:** how u say???

 **lagayette:** new fan

               **lagayette:** slay my life peggy

               **margaritaville:** thanks lagayette

               **turtle:** i reject the notion that u don’t actually know how to say this shit i think u just like saying ‘how u say’ bc it makes u look like a cute immigrant

               **lagayette:** 1\. i AM a cute immigrant 2. why would u think i actively try to be recognized as an immigrant have u SEEN the ppl u americans are trying to elect as president?? u hate immigrants

               **whambamthankuham:** no no laf they only hate immigrants if they’re people of color fleeing from crisis situations

               **lagayette:** what do u call u and me then

               **whambamthankuham:** holy shit ur right

               **whambamthankuham:** DO U THINK THE GOVERNMENT HATES US

               **lagayette:** yes definitely

               **whambamthankuham:** LMAO PSYCH I DON’T CARE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT THINKS OF ME TAXES ARE A SUGGESTION AND TIME ISN’T REALLLLLLL EAT MY SHORTS @ POTUS, SCOTUS, FLOTUS, ETC

               **heavens2betsey:** u literally want to get a john locke tattoo that says “government rests on the consent of the governed”

               **heavens2betsey:** u ABSOLUTELY care what the government thinks of u

               **whambamthankuham:** it’s gonna be a tramp stamp     

               **turtle:** hot

               **whambamthankuham:** ;)

               **angel(ica):** what part of be normal did u guys not get when i said it

               **h0rsefucker:** so peggy how’s business

               **angel(ica):** shut the fuck up hercules

               **h0rsefucker:** WHAT THE FUCK

               **h0rsefucker:** IM TRYING SO HARD

               **margaritaville:** LMFAO H0RSEFUCKER

               **margaritaville:** WHAT DOES UR USERNAME MEAN

               **h0rsefucker:** we don’t talk about it

               **h0rsefucker:** be quiet my child

               **turtle:** peggy settle smthn for me

               **margaritaville:** waz good, laurens

               **turtle:** nm jw do u hate alex

               **margaritaville:** no lmao

               **margaritaville:** his bun is stupid tho

               **whambamthankuham:** ELIZABETH SCHUYLER CONTROL YOUR SIBLING RN

               **whambamthankuham:** TBH I REFUSE TO TOLERATE THIS

               **margaritaville:** be quiet hamilton

               **margaritaville:** don’t u dare try 2 use the ‘im an orphan’ excuse on me

               **whambamthankuham:** don’t take the orphan excuse away from me

               **whambamthankuham:** i’ve already had so much taken away from me

               **whambamthankuham:** like my parents

               **whambamthankuham:** because im an orphan

               **margaritaville:** did i stutter

               **heavens2betsey:** MARGARITA SCHUYLER

               **heavens2betsey:** STOP BULLYING PEOPLE

               **turtle:** ok but do u like me

               **margaritaville:** yes?? obviously

               **margaritaville:** ur the one who let me finish ur tequila at george washingturnt’s engagement party

               **whambamthankuham:** WE R NOT CALLING MY MENTOR ‘GEORGE WASHINGTURNT’

               **angel(ica):** im sorry are we just ignoring the fact that laurens gave my underage sibling liquor????????

               **turtle:** gtgggggggg ;;;;)))))))

               **margaritaville:** laurens is the real MVP he was making sure that i was drinking responsibly instead of just stealing ham’s drink like i usually do

               **whambamthankuham:** when have u stolen my drink???

               **margaritaville:** @ every party we’ve ever been to together

               **margaritaville:** u always get into fights with that guy jeff and forget to drink it so i sip from ur cup periodically and then hand it back to u

               **margaritaville:** u have never noticed ever

               **whambamthankuham:** im deleting gtg

               **angel(ica):** oh my God

               **lagayette:** im a hardcore peggy fan now

               **h0rsefucker:** me too

               **angel(ica):** be quiet u gay motherfuckers

               **angel(ica):** peggy why r u this way

               **margaritaville:** angel im literally named after a type of alcoholic drink

               **margaritaville:** why do u THINK im this way

               **angel(ica):** idk i was hoping u would admit to some underlying psychological problems

               **margaritaville:** what problems do i have that are UNDERLYING

               **margaritaville:** if i have a problem ur gonna know about it immediately

               **margaritaville:** also,,,,, problems implies that they can be SOLVED

               **whambamthankuham:** that got dark real fast

               **h0rsefucker:** u ok my dude??

               **margaritaville:** are any of us ok

               **angel(ica):** rt if i should remove peggy from the chat

               **heavens2betsey:** why r u both so insensitive

               **whambamthankuham:** RT

               **margaritaville:** if u ever fuck with me again i s2g ham

               **whambamthankuham:** what if i buy u a drink

               **margaritaville:** i was kidding let’s hang out soon

               **heavens2betsey:** STOP

               **angel(ica):** DELETE THIS NOW

               **heavens2betsey:** IM FIRING U AS MY BF

               **turtle:** im ready and willing to fill the position

               **h0rsefucker:** that’s not the only thing ur gonna be filling

               **heavens2betsey:** DFSFAJDFKAJLIDIJALKJ

               **whambamthankuham:** S T O P

               **margaritaville:** soulja boy tell em

               **h0rsefucker:** eyy

               **lagayette:** SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO LEAVE THE CHAT

               **lagayette:** vous êtes tous ridicules

               **whambamthankuham:** pars d'abord

               **lagayette:** je ne sais pas comment, éspèce d'orphelin stupide

**whambamthankuham** _has removed_ **lagayette** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** Free Them

               **margaritaville:** They Are Free

               **h0rsefucker:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD

               **h0rsefucker:** LAF JUST TEXTED ME AND ASKED ME TO ADD THEM BACK IN

               **whambamthankuham** _sent an image: **howtheturntables.jpg**_

               **heavens2betsey:** childish

               **whambamthankuham:** they called me a stupid orphan

               **h0rsefucker:** half of that is true

               **h0rsefucker:** u can decide which half

               **angel(ica):** DLIAJDFIJADF

               **angel(ica):** dELE TE THIS IM SCREAMIGN 

               **whambamthankuham:** why don’t u love me wtf

               **heavens2betsey:** i love u

               **turtle:** i love u too

               **margaritaville:** i love u ham

               **angel(ica):** no comment :)

               **whambamthankuham:** I LOVE U PEGGY    

               **angel(ica):** they’re just saying that so u will buy them alcohol

               **angel(ica):** for shame, marg

               **angel(ica):** for shame

               **margaritaville:** although i may have ulterior motives, my statement is sincere

               **turtle:** I LOVE U ALEX WHY AREN’T U ANSWERING

               **whambamthankuham:** u stole my girlfriend

               **heavens2betsey:** no lmao I stole UR boyfriend

               **whambamthankuham:** that’s fair tbh

               **turtle:** we’ve been over this u guys y’all can share

               **h0rsefucker:** U WISH LMAO           

               **turtle:** yes, yes i do wish

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **whambamthankuham:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **angel(ica):** someone add laf back in that’s their fave emoji

               **whambamthankuham:** im not doin it

               **whambamthankuham:** they impugned my honor

               **turtle:** damn it alex

               **turtle** _has added_ **lagayette** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **lagayette:** which one of u american motherfuckers kicked me out

               **lagayette:** I BET IT WAS ALEX

               **whambamthankuham:** im not technically american so

               **lagayette:** ur assimilated af now shut up and admit that u kicked me out

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **lagayette:** OMG

               **lagayette:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **lagayette:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) RUSTLE ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) MY ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) JIMMIES ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **margaritaville:** IM SCREAMING

               **angel(ica):** WHAT IS THIS

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **lagayette:** ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ a ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raised ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ donger ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ is ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ a ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ deadly ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ donger ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

               **whambamthankuham:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) bring ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) the ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) booty

               **turtle:** im not joining in on this

               **h0rsefucker:** this is ur fault u turtle fucker

               **turtle:** says the horse fucker

               **lagayette:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **margaritaville:** lagayette u gotta stop

               **lagayette:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) b o o t y ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **h0rsefucker:** there’s so many people coming and going with such frequency in here

               **h0rsefucker:** in many ways, this chat is like my ass

               **angel(ica):** E N O U G H.

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** stop leaving the chat goddammit if u leave it just makes it seem more like his ass

 **h0rsefucker:** damn straight lmao

 **margaritaville:** hercules there’s nothing straight about the comings and goings of ur ass

               **h0rsefucker:** peggy ur 3 yrs old

               **margaritaville:** IM 19

               **margaritaville:** IM GOING TO COLLEGE

               **h0rsefucker:** all im hearing is ‘yes, hercules, im 3 yrs old and i don’t know anything about anal’

               **angel(ica):** CAN WE STOP TALKING TO PEGGY ABOUT ANAL

               **whambamthankuham:** i stopped replying for ONE SECOND AND SUDDENLY THIS

               **lagayette:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **whambamthankuham:** LOG THE FUCK OFF LAFAYETTE

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **heavens2betsey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **whambamthankuham:** im taking eliza’s phone bc she A) just sneezed again which means i was right about an imminent cold and B) she won’t stop sending ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

               **heavens2betsey:** HE’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE

               **heavens2betsey:** lmao i took her alive --ham

               **heavens2betsey:** she sneezed AGAIN she’s going to bed --ham

               **margaritaville:** GOODNIGHT LIZZY

               **angel(ica):** goodnight from london @ ellie

               **h0rsefucker:** goodnight eliza

               **lagayette:** im on the couch next to eliza but goodnight

               **turtle:** yeah im sitting right next to eliza too but GOODNIGHT BETSEY WE LOVE U

               **heavens2betsey:** she says thank u

               **turtle:** no she said FUCK U ALEXANDER really loud and then tried to bite him

               **angel(ica):** that seems truer

               **margaritaville:** agreed

               **heavens2betsey:** she says she loves u all

               **turtle:** she did say that

               **lagayette:** and then she shoved alex off the couch with her foot lmfao

               **whambamthankuham:** i shoved eliza’s phone down my pants as an act of retaliation since she shoved me off the couch

               **angel(ica):** CHILDISH

               **angel(ica):** omg wait isn’t it like? 11:19 A FUCKING M there?? why are u making ellie sleep?? it’s the morning she just woke up

               **whambamthankuham:** she’s already asleep

               **angel(ica):** what

               **angel(ica):** it’s been like 2 minutes

               **lagayette:** alex put nyquil in her tea

 **margaritaville:** OMG IM SCREAMING

               **margaritaville:** TALK ABOUT CHILDISH SIJDFIOSJDFIJSO

               **angel(ica):** i can’t belive u drugged ellie

               **angel(ica):** omg fuck

               **angel(ica):** i meant *beliEVE

               **lagayette:** belive

               **whambamthankuham:** belive

               **h0rsefucker:** i can’t belive it’s not butter

               **turtle:** tag urself im belive

               **angel(ica):** FUCKING STOP            

               **angel(ica):** DO NOT MAKE THIS INTO A MEME        

               **lagayette:** in french, i can’t believe it’s not butter translates to “i can’t believe false dairy has entered our home but we still love it” and i think that’s beautiful

               **margaritaville:** i don’t speak french but that feels really fake

               **margaritaville:** how is that even beautiful wtf

               **lagayette:** omg no peggy it’s real

               **lagayette:** see it’s “manger toute mon cul u enculé américain”

               **margaritaville:** that’s really cool omg

               **margaritaville:** I GOOGLED IT

               **margaritaville:** WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP DRAGGING ME FOR BEING AMERICAN IM FUKCING SUING YOU         

               **whambamthankuham:** IM SCREMAING

               **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY I CAN’T BELIVE U FELL FOR THAT

               **turtle:** TAG URSELF IM STILL BELIVE

               **h0rsefucker:** im manger toute mon cul u enculé américain

               **margaritaville:** STOP IT

               **whambamthankuham:** IM “that’s really cool omg”       

               **angel(ica):** im “what the fuck is wrong with you stop dragging me for being american im fucking suing you”

               **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY IM FUCKING HOWLING

               **lagayette:** how u say

               **lagayette:** FUCKING GOT EM LMFAOOOO

               **turtle:** IM SCMRIEAMGINIGNNO

               **turtle:** OIJSDIFOAJDIOFAIDG

               **turtle:** H OLY FUCK          

               **turtle:** WHOLE MF SQUAD GOT MEMED ON

               **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **turtle:** WIEOJHAIODJGAOIDFj

               **angel(ica):** THIS IS PERFORMANCE ART

               **angel(ica):** I REFUSE TO BELIVE THAT THIS IS A REAL THING THAT’S HAPPENING

               **lagayette:** is belive going to be a solid meme forever now

               **angel(ica):** yes

               **angel(ica):** i wish ellie was awake so she could share in this memeing

               **lagayette:** should i apologize to peggy

               **whambamthankuham:** yes or they’ll kill u

               **lagayette:** ok

               **lagayette** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **lagayette:** peggy je suis désolé

               **margaritaville:** sorry won’t clean my floors

               **lagayette:** k je ne suis pas désolé, vous morceau de merde crédules

               **lagayette:** that means ‘my pain is ur pain and i love u’ in french

               **margaritaville:** i googled it u fucking french bastard

               **margaritaville:** goodbye

               **lagayette:** IM SCREAMING SO LOUD IM SORRY

               **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **turtle:** tag urself im “fucking french bastard”

               **h0rsefucker:** STOP MAKING EVERYTHING A TAG YOURSELF MEME

               **turtle:** at least i don’t fuck horses

               **h0rsefucker** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **turtle:** IM DYING

               **lagayette:** savage as hell

               **angel(ica):** this whole chat is my most favorite thing to happen in the history of ever

               **whambamthankuham:** that sentence seems like it's constructed wrong but i agree so imma let it slide

               **angel(ica):** ur FACE is constructed wrong lmfao

               **angel(ica):** rt if u agree

               **turtle:** rt

               **whambamthankuham:** u don’t get to say im ugly when u beg for my dick on a nightly basis but ok

               **angel(ica):** IM FUCKING YODELING

               **angel(ica):** HOLY SHIT

               **angel(ica):** ALEX NO

               **lagayette:** WHATT HE FUCK          

               **turtle** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette:** SO MUCH IS HAPPENING RN

               **lagayette:** ALEX UR NEVER GONNA GET LAID AGAIN

               **whambamthankuham:** im crying i have regrets

               **angel(ica):** prayer circle for alex

               **lagayette:** im praying

               **lagayette:** IM SCREAMING JOHN JUST GOT UP AND LEFT

               **whambamthankuham:** HE’S LEAVING

               **lagayette:** it’s ok alex im still here ;))

               **whambamthankuham:** HE’S GONNA WAKE LIZA UP

               **lagayette:** omg he woke liza up and said alex was being mean and she said “fuck the police" and then fell out of bed and went back to sleep on the ground tag urself im eliza af

               **whambamthankuham:** JOHN TOOK MY ICE CREAM

               **angel(ica):** im catching the next flight back to the us i can’t believe im missing the drama

               **lagayette:** ALEX AND JOHN R HAVING A SLAP FIGHT

               **lagayette:** this feels like it’s gonna get kinky rlly fast

               **whambamthankuham:** ojisdjofjoioijoaidhf

               **lagayette:** alex is sitting on his phone omg

               **angel(ica):** call him so it vibrates on his ass

               **lagayette:** I DID IT AND HE’S GOING TO KILL ME

               **lagayette:** OIJOIASODIFIOIEOINJM,X,L

               **lagayette:** I  LOCKED ALEX IN ELIZA'S APARTMENT SOMEONE COME PICK ME UP IM RUNNING

               **lagayette:** TTYL

               **angel(ica):** i wanna be part of ur world

               **angel(ica):** don’t kill each other before i get home xoxo

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, i want u to come sin with me on tumblr @ irltrash.tumblr.com or twitter @JESSLLCAJONES. send me writing prompts! send me ur love! send me something! let's be sin pals
> 
> i don't speak french. if any of the french is wrong, call me out on it pls and ty! thank you again to abby, who corrected a lot of the french for me. translations are as follows:
> 
> vous êtes tous ridicules- you're all ridiculous  
> pars d'abord-leave then  
> je ne sais pas comment, éspèce d'orphelin stupide- i don't know how you stupid orphan
> 
> “manger toute mon cul u enculé américain”-"Eat my ass u all-American motherfucker"  
> je suis désolé-i am sorry  
> je ne suis pas désolé, vous morceau de merde crédules-i'm not sorry you gullible piece of shit


	3. let's go to denny's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with peggy, john, and herc out of the chat. eliza was asleep, peggy was salty af (when are they not), and alex and john were bickering. now lafayette and hercules are up to Gay Shenanigans™ (again, when are they not), everyone wants to go to denny's, angelica just wants to be included, and peggy is a party crasher (but in the best way possible). once again, i put two chapters into one, sorry but not sorry lmao. i hope it's okay!  
> username translations are as follows, just in case anyone forgot: whambamthankuham = alex, heavens2betsey = eliza, turtle = john, lagayette = lafayette, angel(ica) = angelica, margaritaville = peggy, h0rsefucker: hercules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first things first: still no trigger warnings, but i will tag appropriately if anything ever crops up! right now this isn't dealing with anything really serious, so i doubt i will ever be using TWs, but if in a later chapter u spot something that makes u uncomfortable, tell me so i can tag it!! okay, thank you all so much for the lovely comments you've been leaving!! they honestly make me SO happy. i've read and tried to respond to all of them without screaming too much and oMG every single one puts an enormous smile on my face. thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! pls be sure to stay tuned for the next chapter, cause the pride of mt vernon is about to join the Hamsquad™!! also, thanks very much to abby, who generously corrected a lot of my french in chapter 2. i've fixed as much as i could! abby, you're a sweetheart and i owe you my life.

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **margaritaville, turtle,** _and_ **h0rsefucker** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 

            **heavens2betsey:** wtf happened

            **heavens2betsey:** i woke up on the floor

            **heavens2betsey:** i’ve been asleep for at least 18 hrs according to the last message i sent in the chat

            **heavens2betsey:** and there’s cherry garcia ice cream stains on my rug

            **heavens2betsey:** and alex was RIGHT im fucking sick

            **heavens2betsey:** y’all have some explaining to do

            **lagayette:** short answer: alex drugged u with nyquil so u would nap, he publicly dragged john’s apparent love of his dick, john woke u up to get u to take his side but u just said watergate was a scam and then u passed out again, i made alex’s phone vibrate on his ass in a misguided attempt to get him to nut (thanks angelica), alex tried to kill me, i trapped him in an elevator, the end

            **heavens2betsey:** what the fuck

            **lagayette:** TLDR: w/o u, chaos reigned

            **whambamthankuham:** my mind is blown i can’t believe laf purposely tried to make me nut

            **lagayette:** that’s the only thing that’s gonna be blown after u dragged john last night lmao

            **whambamthankuham:** U FRENCH MOTHERFUCKER

            **turtle:** they’re right

            **whambamthankuham:** pls im sorry i love u don’t leave me

            **turtle:** no

            **turtle:** im only gonna fuck eliza now

            **heavens2betsey:** this is the greatest day of my whole life

            **margaritaville:** THIS IS SO DISGUSTING

            **angel(ica):** wE HAVE A BABY IN HERE PLS STOP THIS

            **margaritaville:** IM GONNA BE 20 BY THE END OF THE SUMMER IM NOT A BABY

            **angel(ica):** u r baby

            **margaritaville:** at least i don’t have to wear wrinkle cream

            **angel(ica):** u know what ?? fck this family and fcuk the police imf cuikign out of he re u disrespeictufl little

            **angel(ica):** fuck u all

            **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

            **margaritaville:** probably went to put on some anti-aging cream and look at her receding hairline

            **heavens2betsey:** u keep this behavior up and ur getting removed from the chat young lady

            **heavens2betsey:** FUCK

            **heavens2betsey:** NOT YOUNG LADY

            **heavens2betsey:** im sorry

            **margaritaville:** it’s ok we all make mistakes

            **heavens2betsey:** what i meant is that if u keep this behavior up ur getting removed from the chat u young whippersnapper

            **margaritaville:** a gender neutral chastisement wtf im so satisfied now thx lizzy

            **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** did someone say satisfied

            **margaritaville:** OK WE GET IT UR PERSONAL BRAND IS NEVER BEING SATISFIED CAN U STOP 

            **angel(ica):** im fuckening suIJNG u KNOW  WHAT PEGY GYH FUCK RIGHT OFF

            **lagayette:** peggy is my hero 

            **h0rsefucker:** yfip: peggy

            -not really named peggy

            -huge bully

            -seriously

            -they’re super cruel

            **turtle:** rekt

            **whambamthankuham:** im so sad im never getting laid again

            **heavens2betsey:** lmao u can still bang ME, even if john has forsaken ur dick this loyal hoe will never leave u

            **whambamthankuham:** GOD SAVES AND FORGIVES DAILY

            **turtle:** can we go to denny’s

            **margaritaville:** i don’t have any money

            **angel(ica):** it’s ok ur not invited

            **margaritaville:** FUCK U

            **angel(ica):** ur not even here ur in albany

            **angel(ica):** WAIT FUCK IM NOT THERE EITHER

            **turtle:** tag urself im angel forgetting that she doesn't fucking live here

            **angel(ica):** SHUT UP JOHN

            **lagayette:** it’s ok peggy i’ll skype u from denny’s

            **margaritaville:** im marrying lafayette

            **lagayette:** YES

            **lagayette:** who gets to wear the dress

            **margaritaville:** we can both wear the dress

            **lagayette:** like the same dress????

            **margaritaville:** I MEANT WE COULD BOTH WEAR DRESSES NOT THAT WE COULD SHOVE INTO THE SAME DRESS AT THE SAME TIME BUT YEAH THAT WORKS TOO IM LAUGHIGN       

            **h0rsefucker:** u can’t marry laf they’re mine

            **lagayette:** ok fine peggy won’t marry me they’ll just be my paramour

            **margaritaville:** omg ok

            **h0rsefucker:** fine

            **angel(ica):** MY SIBLING IS NOT UR PARAMOUR

            **whambamthankuham:** i wanna go to denny’s now are we going or not

            **h0rsefucker:** how many grand slamwiches do u think i can eat

            **heavens2betsey:** not as many as me

            **h0rsefucker:** ur sick no way u can go as hard as me

            **heavens2betsey:** try me

            **whambamthankuham:** DON’T TRY ELIZA OMG HERCULES I’VE SEEN HER EAT 15 SLAMWICHES IN 2 HOURS

            **h0rsefucker:** WHAT THE HELL

            **heavens2betsey:** let’s go

            **heavens2betsey:** someone come pick me up and by pick me up i mean literally come to my apartment, pick me up, and carry me down the stairs

            **whambamthankuham:** u have an elevator why do we have to carry u down the stairs

            **heavens2betsey:** do u love me or not

            **whambamthankuham:** WTF FINE john and i are coming

            **angel(ica):** except ur not ACTUALLY coming alex bc u dissed john lmao

            **whambamthankuham:** SEE U IN COURT ANGELICA UR GETTING SLAMMED WITH A LAWSUIT HOPE UR READY TO BE TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS

            **turtle:** IM SCREAMING

            **turtle:** I CAN’T BELIEVE Y’ALL ARE COVERING MY ASS LIKE THIS IM FUCKING YELLING THIS IS SO NICE

            **turtle:** GOD BLESS THIS CHAT

            **margaritaville:** i fucking hate y’all i wanna come to denny’s

            **lagayette:** LOVE U

            **h0rsefucker:** since ur now laf’s paramour does that make u my paramour

            **margaritaville:** if u want me to be ;)

            **h0rsefucker:** LOVE U

            **whambamthankuham:** UR A SINNER

            **margaritaville:** LOVE U BOTH

            **margaritaville:** be quiet ham ur the biggest sinner ever

            **whambamthankuham:** SPARE ME PLS

            **margaritaville:** fine this time im leaving ur ass alone

            **margaritaville:** looks like im not the ONLY person leaving ur ass alone @ laurens

            **whambamthankuham:** WTF U JUST SAID U WEREN’T GONNA DRAG ME AND THEN U DRAGGED ME?!

            **whambamthankuham:** FUCKING FAKE

            **angel(ica):** I WANT TO COME TOO

            **heavens2betsey:** next time don’t study abroad then

            **angel(ica):** FUCK U

            **heavens2betsey:** JOHN IS CARRYING ME DOWNSTAIRS IM SO EMO

            **h0rsefucker:** SEE U AT DENNY’S LMAO  

            **lagayette:** xoxo

            **heavens2betsey:** peace out girl scouts

            **turtle:** BYE U SINNER HOES

            **turtle:** (except for u, schuyler siblings ur all good and pure and definitely not hoes xoxo)

            **margaritaville:** ADIEU

-o-

            **whambamthankuham:** hey,

            **whambamthankuham:** so

            **turtle:** what’s wrong do u have another mystery rash

            **angel(ica):** IM FUCKING SCREAMING

            **whambamthankuham:** john shut the fuck up

            **whambamthankuham:** first of all, u’ve just made absolutely certain that i will never confide in u again about health issues

            **turtle:** how is that a bad thing for me

            **whambamthankuham:** second of all, peggy is in my home

            **turtle:** we live together

            **turtle:** WAIT WHAT

            **turtle:** PEGGY IS IN OUR HOME!?!

            **whambamthankuham:** yes

            **whambamthankuham:** john stop yelling ur going to wake peggy up

            **turtle:** WHERE          

            **heavens2betsey:** WHAT IS THIS

            **angel(ica):** GIVE US OUR SIBLING WHY R U HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE

            **whambamthankuham:** im literally not wtf

            **whambamthankuham:** they’re asleep on the couch

            **turtle:** how did they get in!??!

            **heavens2betsey:** ^

            **whambamthankuham:** they have our key

            **heavens2betsey:**??? why do they have ur key wtf

            **whambamthankuham:** in case they need to get in??

            **angel(ica):** they live in albany when they’re not at school why would they need to get in

            **whambamthankuham:** in case i need someone to water me and john’s plants obvi…

            **heavens2betsey:** im ur gf why wouldn’t u ask me

            **whambamthankuham:** idk i want peggy to feel involved in my life since im technically like their brother

            **heavens2betsey:** ok but why would they drive/take a bus/train/etc three hours just to water ur plants... i didn't even know u had plants

            **lagayette:** I JUST WOKE UP OMG PEGGY MY HERO/PARAMOUR IS IN TOWN WTF

            **whambamthankuham:** why do we all wake up at the same time

            **h0rsefucker:** bc the buzzing from this godforsaken chat wakes everyone up simultaneously

            **whambamthankuham:** ok that’s fair

            **angel(ica):** YES BUT WHY R WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT PEGGY IS ASLEEP ON UR COUCH

            **whambamthankuham:** omg there’s a post-it on their forehead

            **heavens2betsey:** WHAT DOES IT SAY

            **whambamthankuham** _sent an image:_ **tinysleepingangelbby.jpg**

 **angel(ica):** I CAN’T READ THAT WTF IT’S ALL PIXELATED

            **whambamthankuham:** fine let me type it out

            **whambamthankuham:** “this is 4 goin 2 denny’s w/o me :-)) xoxo pegs”

            **angel(ica):** FUCKING HELL

            **heavens2betsey:** peggy fucking memed us

            **lagayette:** how u say whole squad got mf memed on

            **turtle:** tbh im not surprised about this

            **whambamthankuham:** rt if i should sue peggy for abusing their key privileges, fav if i should let them sleep

            **angel(ica):** RT

            **heavens2betsey:** RT!!!

            **turtle:** fav omg life is so hard let this poor child nap for a bit

            **lagayette:** fav

            **lagayette:** pls leave my paramour alone

            **angel(ica):** ur not dating peggy

            **lagayette:** ;)

            **h0rsefucker:** fav ;)

            **heavens2betsey:** UR NOT DATING PEGGY

            **whambamthankuham:** ok but the real question is: do we want to go to denny’s again

            **h0rsefucker:** NOT AFTER ELIZA FUCKING HUMILIATED ME

            **h0rsefucker:** SHE’S LITERALLY TOO WEAK TO WALK AND YET??

            **h0rsefucker:** HOW TF DID SHE EAT 3 SLAMWICHES IN AN HOUR

            **heavens2betsey:** :-)

            **h0rsefucker:** RT IF I SHOULD SUE ELIZA FAV IF NO

            **whambamthankuham:** fav

            **turtle:** fav

            **lagayette:** fav

            **angel(ica):** fav

            **heavens2betsey:** OMG

            **h0rsefucker:** WTF THE FUCK        

            **h0rsefucker:** FINE LAF MY DICK IS NEVER GOING ANYWHERE NEAR UR ASS AGAIN

            **lagayette:** MON COEUR NO

            **lagayette:** PLES

            **lagayette:** DON’T

            **lagayette:** ok still fav tho

            **h0rsefucker:** WEIOJAIODJFAIO

            **h0rsefucker:** W T F T H E F U C K

            **angel(ica):** eliza is God

            **angel(ica):** i’d rather die than RT

            **lagayette:** SAME TBH

            **whambamthankuham:** ME AS HELL

            **turtle:** ok r we goin to denny’s again?? im broke but i'll still come

            **turtle:** if not i’ll make pancakes and u can all come over

            **heavens2betsey:** im actually really really sick :// i’ll probably be on the couch 4 dayz

            **lagayette:** napz on napz on napz on napz rt if u agree

            **heavens2betsey:** RT

            **turtle:** we can come to u?

            **heavens2betsey:** WTF U’D DO THAT FOR ME

            **turtle:** um duh

            **whambamthankuham:** ur God we’d do anything for u

            **h0rsefucker:** ok i still want to sue u but same

            **heavens2betsey:** IM CRYING

            **heavens2betsey:** IM SO EMO THAT’S SO NICE

            **lagayette:** i can bring coffee (& tea for u eliza)

            **whambamthankuham:** we have orange juice i’ll bring it

            **turtle:** k herc u get potatoes then

            **h0rsefucker:** on it

            **turtle:** betsey do u have eggs

            **heavens2betsey:** yes

            **angel(ica):** is this happening

            **turtle:** yes

            **whambamthankuham:** ok so we’re doing this

            **turtle:** ok see y'all

            **heavens2betsey:** I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HYPE FOR PANCAKES IN MY LIFE

  
            **angel(ica):** to quote herc, WTF THE FUCK ?!?! I WANT TO COME

            **heavens2betsey:** LIKE I SAID EARLIER DON’T STUDY ABROAD NEXT TIME THEN

            **angel(ica):** u know what fucking fuck u

            **heavens2betsey:** xoxo bye angel

            **angel(ica):** I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE PEGGY GETS TO HANG OUT WITH U GUYS AND IM IN LONDON STILL FUCK U ALL FUCK THAT FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHING IN PARTICULAR

            **whambamthankuham:** we love u

            **angel(ica):** GOD HATES ME GOODBYE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i've edited this chapter so many times trying to decide if i wanted peggy to show up IRL and i finally got tired and just posted it so i'm sorry if it seems weird or stilted RIP me :/ also i've never actually been to denny's...i just follow them on tumblr and i really like pancakes so i figured it wouldn't be much of a stretch that the hamsquad would like them too.


	4. the pride of mount vernon: george washingturnt!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with peggy showing up to hang with the hamsquad, angelica being sad that she couldn't join, and john being the best boyfriend ever and making pancakes. now peggy slays as usual, angelica is wildly bitter, lafayette and hercules take jokes way too far, alexander hates jefferson (what's new), and eliza is still sick (pray for her). oh, and washington is daddy.
> 
> username translations again with the addition of GWash (so you don't ever forget!): whambamthankuham = alex, heavens2betsey = eliza, turtle = john, lagayette = lafayette, angel(ica) = angelica, margaritaville = peggy, h0rsefucker: hercules, g.wash/grgwshngturnt = george washington

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings to date unless you are triggered by weave snatching jokes, in which case, i am sorry. (the schuyler siblings are loosely based off of things my older sis and i have said to each other, which is why they have zero boundaries) the comments you guys have been sending my way are legit making me tear up in public wtf i love y'all?! two people sent me asks on tumblr about this and YES i cannot accurately express how happy i am. thank you for your comments and kudos, and even if you're not doing either of those and you're just reading, thank you! the fact that you are all actively seeking out my writing is incredible to me omg. okay, anyway, GWASH IS HERE FINALLY. ur probably gonna see burr and jefferson in the next chapter! as always, hit me with that concrit if u see any issues. please check the end notes for some accuracy-related things xoxo see u on the other side (*burr voice* of the war)

**margaritaville:** eliza why did u never mention the fact that ur bf makes the best pancakes ever

               **heavens2betsey:** u never asked

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s not like i can just drop that in conversation

               **heavens2betsey:** “ah, yes, this is my bf, john laurens. he gives good head and makes really fluffy pancakes”

               **margaritaville:** maybe leave out the oral sex part but yeah that’s exactly how you should drop it in conversation

               **heavens2betsey:** oh ok

               **heavens2betsey:** john where u at

               **turtle:** waz good

               **heavens2betsey:** ^^^^

               **turtle:** ISDFIJSIDJF

               **turtle:** SCREAMS              

               **heavens2betsey:** peggy u see that?? that’s my bf, john laurens. he makes really fluffy pancakes

               **margaritaville:** good job

               **margaritaville:** thanks for keeping it safe for work

               **heavens2betsey:** thx i try

               **whambamthankuham:** wtf how come i don’t get an introduction

               **heavens2betsey:** peggy u see that?? that’s my other bf, alexander hamilton, the one i told u about before

               **margaritaville:** the one who is “compact but powerful like a prius and most likely to try and fight every member of any government on a local, state, or national level”?

               **heavens2betsey:** yep that’s him

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF HOW COME LAURENS GETS THE NICE ONE AND I GET COMPARED TO A PRIUS

               **lagayette:** u r, in fact, small and environmentally conscious so

               **whambamthankuham:** I WANNA BE THE CUTE ONE

               **angel(ica):** u can’t be the cute one wtf ellie is already the cute one

               **turtle:** i wanna be the smart one then if betsey gets to be the cute one

               **whambamthankuham:** WHO AM I

               **margaritaville:** jean valjean

               **whambamthankuham:** wtf?? im the dad one??

               **lagayette:** u can be MY monsieur le mayor

               **whambamthankuham:** WHAT IS THIS         

               **margaritaville:** laf no

               **margaritaville:** laf stop

               **margaritaville:** laf don’t

               **lagayette:** it’s ok peggy u will always have my heart

               **margaritaville:** aw bae <3

               **angel(ica):** WTF UR NOT DATING PEGGY

               **angel(ica):** I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT U CAN’T DATE THEM

               **angel(ica):** UR AWARE OF THAT RIGHT

               **angel(ica):** UR NTO DATING NHINGIADIFAN

               **h0rsefucker:** wtf what about me

               **lagayette:** u have my heart too

               **lagayette:** i have a big heart

               **lagayette:** among other big things

               **margaritaville:** JDFIOJSDFIOJJ

               **angel(ica):** DELETE THIS NOW

               **heavens2betsey:** IM FUCKING CRYING

               **whambamthankuham:** i can’t belive im just the valjean one

               **turtle:** it’s ok ily

               **whambamthankuham:** ok ily2 but?? wHY AM I THE DAD ONE

               **angel(ica):** 1\. YES KEEP BELIVE GOING KEEP THE MEME ALIVE 2. lafayette and hercules u cannot date peggy

               **turtle:** tbh i always felt like valjean was a sex symbol

               **lagayette:** I KNOW?? ME TOO

               **lagayette:** HE’S A DADDY

               **lagayette:** LIKE HE’S A DADDY, BUT HE’S ALSO DADDY

               **turtle:** I GET THAT

               **heavens2betsey:** fun activity for this weekend: a group trip to church

               **angel(ica):** open a fucking Bible lafayette if u think valjean is daddy u cannot date peggy

               **lagayette:** peggy is daddy

               **margaritaville:** DELETE

               **heavens2betsey:** u absolutely cannot date peggy

               **h0rsefucker:** peggy is daddy and valjean is daddy

               **whambamthankuham:** IM SO??? IF IM THE VALJEAN ONE DOES THIS MEAN U GUYS THINK IM A DADDY

               **turtle:** no

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF WE’RE DATING WHY AM I NOT DADDY

               **turtle:** yeah but ur broke so u can’t be daddy

               **lagayette:** ^

               **heavens2betsey:** ^

               **margaritaville:** i can be ur father figure

               **margaritaville:** put ur tiny hand in mine

               **margaritaville:** i will be ur preacher, teacher

               **margaritaville:** put away a life of crime

               **whambamthankuham:** peggy if im not daddy u cannot be daddy

               **lagayette:** someone add washington in here if we’re gonna keep talkin about daddies

               **heavens2betsey:** STOP

               **h0rsefucker:** OK T B F H someone do it

 **angel(ica)** _added_ **g.wash** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **whambamthankuham:** ET TU, ANGELICA

               **g.wash:** where am I

               **margaritaville:** GEORGE WASHINGTURNT UP IN THE HOUSE

               **whambamthankuham:** please God no

               **g.wash:**???

               **margaritaville:** IT'S ME, MARGARITA SCHUYLER

               **g.wash:** Hello, Peggy.

               **lagayette:** wtf why are u using punctuation

               **g.wash:** Hello Peggy

               **g.wash:**???

               **margaritaville:** HELLO

               **margaritaville:** GEORGE WILL U DO ME A FAVOR

               **whambamthankuham:** peggy no

 **whambamthankuham:** OK ALSO WTF PEGGY U CAN’T CALL WASHINGTON BY HIS FIRST NAME

 **margaritaville:** ham, shhh

 **margaritaville:** WILL U CHANGE UR USERNAME TO “grgwshngturnt”

               **g.wash:** Are vowels not accepted anymore?

               **margaritaville:** if u love me u will do it

               **angel(ica):** stop bribing people with ur affections

               **grgwshngturnt:** Okay, but what does turnt mean?

               **whambamthankuham:** SIR NO

               **lagayette:** more like what does turnt MEME

               **margaritaville:** OMG HE DID IT U GUYS G WASH LOVES ME

               **heavens2betsey:** this chat has really gone off the rails

               **grgwshngturnt** : Why am I here??

               **lagayette:** sir

               **margaritaville:** DON'T SAY SIR THAT MAKES IT SOUND KINKY

               **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY U CAN'T SAY KINKY IN A CHAT WITH A SENATOR

               **grgwshngturnt:** ……………………….

               **lagayette:** SIR

               **lagayette:** are u aware of,,,,, daddy subculture

               **margaritaville:** omg that was almost Hamiltonian how tf did u make daddy kink sound scholarly

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF AM I AN ADJECTIVE NOW

               **grgwshngturnt:** What is happening right now.

               **grgwshngturnt:** I GOOGLED IT.

               **margaritaville:** HOLY SHIT

               **whambamthankuham:** peGGY U CAN’T CURSE IN A CHAT WITH A SENATOR STOP

               **margaritaville:** fuck that

               **heavens2betsey:** IM HOWLING

               **grgwshngturnt:** PLEASE TAKE ME OUT OF THIS CHAT.

               **h0rsefucker:** THIS IS ANOTHER LAF SITUATION IM SCREAMING

               **grgwshngturnt:** Hercules, take me out of here.

               **h0rsefucker:** wtf how’d u know it was me??

               **grgwshngturnt:** ….h0rsefucker?? Really? It couldn’t get any more obvious.

               **margaritaville:** IFSIDJOIAJFIJ

               **h0rsefucker:** WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I FUCK HORSES

               **grgwshngturnt:** Why does your username imply that you fuck horses?

               **h0rsefucker:** IM DELETING

               **angel(ica):** I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL

               **heavens2betsey:** sen washington

               **grgwshngturnt:** Eliza, I've told you several times that it's okay if you call me George.

               **turtle:** WTF BETSEY GETS TO CALL U GEORGE?!

               **grgwshngturnt:** …..

               **heavens2betsey:** i know but i feel weird about it

               **heavens2betsey:** laf thinks ur daddy

               **lagayette:** ET FUCKING TU, BETH

               **grgwshngturnt:** Why does Eliza have a bunch of different nicknames? And Gilbert? What does this mean?

               **lagayette:** it doesn't mean anything beth is high off cold medicine

               **heavens2betsey:** just cause im high off cold medicine doesn't mean i don't know anything u french fuck

               **lagayette:** SO U ADMIT UR HIGH OFF COLD MEDICINE

               **h0rsefucker:** on some level we r all eliza

               **turtle:** tag urself im french fuck

               **grgwshngturnt:**???

               **turtle:** pick something u identify with

               **grgwshngturnt:** Oh

               **grgwshngturnt:** Tag yourself, I'm “just because I'm high doesn't mean I don't know anything”.

               **margaritaville:** DID GWASH JUST USE A MEME

               **margaritaville:** FURTHERMORE, DID GWASH JUST USE A MEME TO HINT THAT HE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE HIGH BUT ALSO RIGHT

               **margaritaville:** tbh being high but also right is my constant state

               **heavens2betsey:** look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now

               **angel(ica):** history is happening in manhattan

               **margaritaville:** AND WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE IN THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD

               **h0rsefucker:** did y'all just randomly spit a verse or was that rehearsed

               **margaritaville:** we spit a verse cause some people can rock wit it unlike u

               **h0rsefucker:** peggy we're dating u can't treat me this way

               **h0rsefucker:** and u can’t just say “rock wit it” unironically

               **margaritaville:** if we’re dating then u can’t make fun of me for saying rock wit it unironically

               **h0rsefucker:** u strike a hard bargain

               **lagayette:** that’s not the only hard thing to strike around here

               **grgwshngturnt:** Please… Let me out of here…

               **heavens2betsey:** TAG URSELF IM WASHINGTON

               **angel(ica):** U! R! NOT! DATING! PEGGY!

               **grgwshngturnt:** Hercules is dating Peggy?

               **lagayette:** and me

               **grgwshngturnt:** It is an unusual pairing, but it is nice to see young love.

               **heavens2betsey:** GEORGE STOP

               **grgwshngturnt:** Tag yourself, I'm Eliza finally using my real name.

               **whambamthankuham:** Dragged™

               **heavens2betsey:** KFJDNSKD

               **turtle:** IM “IT IS AN UNUSUAL PAIRING, BUT IT IS NICE TO SEE YOUNG LOVE.”

               **angel(ica):** LAF AND HERC U R NOT DATING PEGGY UR JOKING PLS ST OP

               **lagayette:** ;)

               **h0rsefucker:** ;)

               **margaritaville:** ;)

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group_ : **‘hamsquad’**

               **grgwshngturnt:** TAKE ME WITH YOU.

               **margaritaville:** to quote eliza, get comfy bih

               **whambamthankuham:** STOP SWEARING WE’RE IN A CHAT WITH MY BOSS

               **lagayette:** i feel like if we’ve already ruined things enough for ourselves by talking about daddy subculture

               **margaritaville:** um that one’s on u

                **h0rsefucker:** yeah that one is laf’s fault

               **turtle:** rt if u think washington should fire alex

               **h0rsefucker:** IM SCREAMING

               **h0rsefucker:** THAT GOT SERIOUS SO FAST

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF

               **whambamthankuham:** JOHN WE LITERALLY WORK AT THE SAME PLACE U CANNOT CONSPIRE TO GET ME FIRED WITHOUT IT REFLECTING V POORLY ON U

               **turtle:** IM CRYING I TAKE THAT BACK

               **grgwshngturnt:** That was tragic.

               **lagayette:** if i tell u how to leave the chat will u promise not to fire me

               **grgwshngturnt:** I’m not going to fire any of you, even if it is sort of unprofessional to drag me into conversations about your kinks. I guess it’s an underhanded compliment to be “daddy”, so thanks. But, I will hold you in slightly higher esteem if you tell me how to leave.

               **lagayette:** OMG OK IM SOLD

               **whambamthankuham:** wtf the fuck

               **whambamthankuham:** ET TU, LAF?!

               **margaritaville:** wtf george don’t leave

               **whambamthankuham:** peGGY U CAN’T BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH WASHINGTON PLEASE DELETE THIS

               **margaritaville:** :-)

               **grgwshngturnt:** :-)

               **whambamthankuham:** goodbye

 **h0rsefucker:** since we’re here someone should add burr

               **whambamthankuham:** oK NO I DRAW THE LIINE THERE WTF THE FUCK

               **whambamthankuham:** NO

               **whambamthankuham:** NO BURR

               **grgwshngturnt:** What’s his username?

               **whambamthankuham:** SIR

               **margaritaville:** please… stop with the sir

               **whambamthankuham:** IM BEING RESPECTFUL I GUESS U’VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT

               **lagayette:** tbh it does sound oddly kinky

               **whambamthankuham:** sIR

               **grgwshngturnt:** Alexander, calm down. I’m sorry to change the subject, but I have a memo I’d like you to draft, and Gilbert, I need you to review our schedule for the meeting with Morris tomorrow. However, this weekend, I sincerely recommend a fun (long) trip to A) the Human Resources department, where you can learn more about things you should and maybe should NOT say to me, or B) TO CHURCH.

               **lagayette:** tbh i feel attacked sir

               **margaritaville:** GWASH JUST DRAGGED YOUR ASS TO HELL AND BACK WTF

               **heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe this

               **h0rsefucker:** prayer circle for laf

               **whambamthankuham:** no worries sir im already outside ur office door i wrote that memo weeks ago i just need you to sign off on me sending it out :)

               **grgwshngturnt:**...How long have you been out there…?

               **whambamthankuham:** like an hour

               **whambamthankuham:** i can smell ur lunch

               **grgwshngturnt:** Good God.

               **turtle:** tag urself im the lunch

               **margaritaville:** how long have u been waiting to say that

               **turtle:** literally this whole time

               **turtle:** i’ve been trying to think of a way to insert myself

               **margaritaville:** omg laurens that’s so sad

               **margaritaville:** ok tag urself im the memo

               **grgwshngturnt:** I’m myself.

               **lagayette:** im alex

               **whambamthankuham:** pls sir let me in

               **grgwshngturnt:** Tag yourself first.

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF

               **whambamthankuham:** SIR

               **grgwshngturnt:** :-)

               **whambamthankuham:** FINE

               **whambamthankuham:** TAG URSELF IM ME TRYING TO DO MY GODDAMN BEST

               **grgwshngturnt:** Okay, that’s fair. Come in.

               **whambamthankuham:** THANK YOU

               **whambamthankuham** _sent an image:_ **gtgchicken.jpg**

 **grgwshngturnt:** Gilbert, don’t forget about the meeting.

               **margaritaville:** OK NOT TO INTERRUPT BUT WHO TF IS GILBERT

               **lagayette:** …..

               **h0rsefucker:** …..

               **heavens2betsey:** …………

               **grgwshngturnt:** ………

               **turtle:** ……………………………………………………………………….

               **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** …..

               **angel(ica):** oh r we doing that now

               **angel(ica):** k

               **angel(ica):** …………………

               **margaritaville:** STOP BULLYING ME

               **margaritaville:** I’VE KNOW U ALL FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES

               **margaritaville:** FUCK THIS FAMILY Y’ALL ARE FUCKING TOXIC

               **lagayette:** fine u get a pass but only cause ur cute

 **lagayettee:** it me

               **lagayette** : Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch GILBERT du Motier de La Fayette, Marquis de La Fayette

               **margaritaville:** do u just keep that to copy and paste

               **lagayette:** tbh yes

               **margaritaville:** UR FIRST NAME IS MARIE???

               **lagayette:** STOP IM INSECURE ABOUT IT

               **h0rsefucker:** IM LAUGHING SO HA R D STOP

               **margaritaville:** wtf that’s so long tho

               **margaritaville:** what does that feel like to say in bed

               **lagayette:** why don’t u come find out

               **margaritaville:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

               **grgwshngturnt:** PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

               **h0rsefucker:** lmao that’s exactly what i sound like in bed

               **grgwshngturnt:** STOP. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN TYPE FASTER THAN ME DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU GET TO TWIST MY WORDS.

               **grgwshngturnt:** SET ME FREE

               **margaritaville:** RT if i should set gwash free

               **grgwshngturnt:** RT!!!!!

               **lagayette:** rt

               **heavens2betsey:** rt

               **h0rsefucker:** ignore

               **turtle:** RT             

               **whambamthankuham:** RT PLEASE LET HIM OUT SO WE CAN SEND THIS MEMO

               **grgwshngturnt:** THE MAJORITY WINS

               **grgwshngturnt:** Finally the majority wins over something I actually agree with. What a change.          

               **margaritaville:** OMG THAT WAS SO SAD

               **grgwshngturnt:** Republicans, y’all.

               **margaritaville:** YADHYFAIODFIOJoi

               **margaritaville:** ok george my dude be free

               **margaritaville** _has removed_ **grgwshngturnt** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

-o-

 **lagayette:** ANGELICA IM GOING TO KILL U

               **lagayette:** I CAN’T BELIEVE U ADDED GWASH

               **lagayette:** IM GONNA KILL U

               **lagayette:** ANGELICA WHERE ARE U

               **angel(ica):** IM NOT THE ONE WHO CALLED HIM DADDY IN THE FIRST PLACE

               **lagayette:** HAVE U SEEN HIS ARMS

               **heavens2betsey:** THIS IS GOING DOWNHILL SO FAST

               **heavens2betsey:** TBH LAF QUIT UR JOB

               **angel(ica):** I DID IT BC U CAN’T DATE PEGGY

               **angel(ica):** UR NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO “FAKE” DATE PEGGY

               **angel(ica):** PUBLICLY AGREE TO STOP THE CHARADE AND THE HUMILIATION ENDS

               **lagayette:** FINE

               **angel(ica):** HERCULES YOU TOO 

               **h0rsefucker:** fine

               **lagayette:** i lied

               **h0rsefucker:** me too lmao

               **margaritaville:** IM LAUGHIGJN S O HA R D FUCKCK KC

               **angel(ica):** I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU WHAT THE FUCK

               **whambamthankuham:** i hate this friend meme but also this is so fucking funny i can’t breathe y’all

               **heavens2betsey:** I REALLY DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

               **heavens2betsey:** DO I HATE THIS MEME

               **heavens2betsey:** YES ABSOLUTELY

               **heavens2betsey:** BUT

               **heavens2betsey:** IS ANGELICA’S REACTION THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

               **heavens2betsey:** AGAIN, YES, ABSOLUTELY

               **heavens2betsey:** IM FUCKING WHEEZING

               **turtle:** TAG URSELF IM LAF

               **angel(ica):** U KNOW WHAT

               **angel(ica):** NO

               **angel(ica):** FUCKENING NO

               **angel(ica):** NO TAG URSELF

               **angel(ica):** THERE WILL BE NO TAGGING AND ABSOLUTELY N O D A T I N G OF ANY KIND HERE

               **whambamthankuham:** im herc

               **h0rsefucker:** im peggy

               **lagayette:** im angelica

               **heavens2betsey:** I WANT TO TAG MYSELF BUT I DON’T WANT TO LOSE A SISTER

               **margaritaville:** im eliza

               **angel(ica):** i fucking hate all of u

               **angel(ica):** tbh this family is toxic and ugly and i want to leave

               **heavens2betsey:** ALL OF Y’ALL STOP CALLING THIS FAMILY TOXIC

               **heavens2betsey:** WE ARE A GOOD, HAPPY, PURE FAMILY

               **heavens2betsey:** THIS IS A HEALTHY SUPPORT SYSTEM EVEN IF WE’RE ALL WEIRD AND HALF OF US REALLY NEED TO BE ATTENDING CHURCH ON A WEEKLY (MAYBE BI WEEKLY) BASIS

               **heavens2betsey:** I’VE BUILT THIS FRIEND GROUP FROM THE GROUND UP AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF ANY OF Y’ALL RUINS IT

               **whambamthankuham:** stop saying y’all wtf is this

               **heavens2betsey:** u know what stop targeting me for this i had to email jefferson a few times and it caught on

               **whambamthankuham:** U WERE EMAILING JEFFERSON

               **heavens2betsey:** OMG STOP        

               **turtle:** BETSEY WTF

               **heavens2betsey:** PLEASE I JUST NEEDED HIS NOTES

               **whambamthankuham:** IT’S SUMMER?! UR NOT IN SCHOOL

               **whambamthankuham:** FAKE

               **heavens2betsey:** ….im taking summer classes

               **whambamthankuham:**...what

               **heavens2betsey:** ….

               **turtle:** Lord In Heaven, Hallowed Be Thy Name

               **heavens2betsey:** how did you not know this

               **margaritaville:** omg fuck

               **margaritaville:** lizzy comin in strong with the formal you

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s getting so real right now

 **whambamthankuham:** I DON’T KNOW

               **lagayette:** THIS IS LITERALLY HORRIFYING

               **lagayette:** TBH MY LIFE IS FLASHING

               **lagayette:** HOW U SAY?? IN FRONT OF MY FACE

               **heavens2betsey:** NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR ME TO EXPLAIN IDIOMS TO U

               **heavens2betsey:** im sorry that was rude of me

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s “my life is flashing before my eyes”

               **lagayette:** OMG THANK U

               **heavens2betsey:** xoxo

               **whambamthankuham:** I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

               **heavens2betsey:** im uninviting u from everything in my life please delete urself now

               **whambamthankuham:** OH MYG OD STOP 

               **heavens2betsey:** which friend-children do i keep in this divorce

               **turtle:** no i hate this

               **whambamthankuham:** WHO R U CHOOSING JOHN

               **turtle:** ……

               **whambamthankuham:** tbh the fact that u didn’t say me immediately is gross and ur fired

               **turtle:** u can’t fire me

               **whambamthankuham:** that’s fair ur not fired

               **heavens2betsey:** choose me or ur fired john

               **turtle:** wtf no im dumping both of u then

               **heavens2betsey:** IC HAGNED MY MIND IM FUCKNI GJG I SCREAMIGN

               **whambamthankuham:** DELET E THIS NOW

               **heavens2betsey:** NEVER FUCKING MIND

               **margaritaville:** angelica look what u’ve done

               **angel(ica):** THIS ISN’T MY FAULT WTF

               **margaritaville:** IF U WEREN’T SO GODDAMN PERSNICKETY

               **angel(ica):** MAYBE IF U WEREN’T SO INSISTENT ON FAKE DATING PEOPLE AND RUINING MY LIFE

               **margaritaville:** MAYBE IF U WEREN’T SO FUCKING FAKE

               **angel(ica):** MAYBE IF U DIDN’T WEAR WEAVE

 **margaritaville:** …… stop.

 **lagayette:** bye

               **h0rsefucker:** bye

               **heavens2betsey:** bye

               **turtle:** bye

               **whambamthankuham:** U CAN’T FUCKIN GLEAVE?? NOT WHILE IM ASHAMED

               **margaritaville:** WTF U THINK UR ASHAMED? ANGELICA JUST ACCUSED ME OF WEARING WEAVE

               **turtle:** do i make a joke here or do i leave it alone

               **angel(ica):** if it’s what i think ur thinking, u leave it alone

               **turtle:** ok fair

               **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA IM SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT UR SUMMER CLASSES

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s ok i guess

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s just an extra history class for some more credits it’ll be over in 4 weeks

               **whambamthankuham:** wtf if it’s history why didn’t u ask me for help

               **heavens2betsey:** babe…

               **heavens2betsey:** i love u soOOOOosoOOosoOSOSOSOSOSOSO much…

               **whambamthankuham:** ….

               **heavens2betsey:** but i canNOT read ur handwriting and if i ask u a question the answer is a lecture

               **whambamthankuham:** tbh i got offended when i read that and then i thought about it and honestly that’s true

               **whambamthankuham:** if u wanted help tho anyone would be better than jefferson

               **whambamthankuham:** he’s a meninist

               **whambamthankuham:** a MENINIST

               **margaritaville:** r u kidding

               **whambamthankuham:** NO

               **whambamthankuham:** he’S UGLY 

               **heavens2betsey:** he also takes accurate, surprisingly detailed notes

               **whambamthankuham:** BET U FIVE BUCKS THEY’RE COVERED IN KRAFT CHEESE STAINS

               **heavens2betsey:** …. bye

               **whambamthankuham:** J’ACCUSE

               **whambamthankuham:** KNEW IT

               **lagayette:** he’s not ugly wtf

               **lagayette:** some people say he looks like me with my hair down

               **lagayette:** i don’t know how i feel about that tbh

               **lagayette:** but if there is even a shred of resemblance then u can’t call him ugly

               **whambamthankuham:** I MEANT ON THE INSIDE

               **whambamthankuham:** HE’S PETTY AS FUCK

               **whambamthankuham:** TRASH ASS DIRTY ASS DUMPSTER JUICE ASS

FILTHY ASS RAT ASS NASTY ASS INSIDE OF A THIN MINT LOOKIN PETTY ASS SMELLY ASS

               **lagayette:** subject change: anyone else get turned on by those calligraphy videos on tumblr

               **margaritaville:** go to church

               **margaritaville:** im kidding, yes i do

               **h0rsefucker:** WTF ME TOO

               **heavens2betsey:** tHE ONES WHERE THEY DRAW POPULAR LOGOS

               **heavens2betsey:** GODDDD

               **angel(ica):** y’all are nasty

               **margaritaville:** no we just appreciate art

               **angel(ica):** i’d HAVE to appreciate art to be able to look at those tracks on ur weave :-)

               **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** WTF

               **heavens2betsey:** OKAY I CHANGED MY MIND YOU ARE ALL TOXIC

               **lagayette:** im fuckiNG G CRYIGNGIn

               **angel(ica):** no regrets

               **whambamthankuham:** IM FUCKING SQUEALIGN

               **turtle:** this has gone too far

               **whambamthankuham:** can we go to denny’s again

               **turtle:** NO

               **whambamthankuham:** fine

               **whambamthankuham:** eliza can we come over

               **heavens2betsey:** if u bring dayquil and help me with flashcards

               **whambamthankuham:** SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT DATE

               **whambamthankuham:** open the door

               **heavens2betsey:** STOP SHOWING UP PLACES UNCANNILY QUICKLY

               **whambamthankuham:** john insisted that i ask first

               **turtle:** yes i did i can be responsible

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s unlocked come in

               **whambamthankuham:** OK SEE U IN LITERALLY A SECOND BYE

               **angel(ica):** IM SO ALONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK U FOR SINNING WITH ME YET AGAIN, SEE U BACK HERE TOMORROW, SAME TIME, SAME PLACE. (i have a group project due this monday so if im not here at the same time and same place tomorrow, i am sorry) tbh i felt iffy about this chapter but no amount of editing seemed to fix it so i decided to shove it out into the world. no regrets, am i right? also, all of the chat about 8 week summer courses and stuff is based off of my own personal community college experiences, so if it seems odd to you, i am sorry, and if you have college things you would like to contribute for the sake of accuracy and easier understanding, hmu on tumblr and twitter (u know where to find me)! again, thanks for reading and i hope u enjoyed it xoxo


	5. it's a TURTLE, not a tortoise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so we left off with john, eliza, and alex all hanging out. washington now knows that everyone thinks he's daddy, and lafayette still needs to go to church. now john makes a mistake, angelica REALLY makes a mistake, peggy is a hero as usual, eliza is the Mom Friend (again, as usual), and alexander just needs a break. 
> 
> username translations are as follows, just in case anyone forgot (with the addition of burr and jefferson): whambamthankuham = alex, heavens2betsey = eliza, turtle = john, lagayette = lafayette, angel(ica) = angelica, margaritaville = peggy, h0rsefucker: hercules, callmemacaroni = jefferson, yrobdntsrvnt = burr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG ok so! john barker church makes an appearance in the next chap! also THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR COMMENTS, i scrolled through them before bed and THEY ARE ALL SO SWEET THANK YOU SO MUCH. my email is glitching out so i don't actually get notified for your comments so if i don't respond to one of them, that's why! i'm sorry! but i am appreciating them! thank you so much for reading! i can't think of anything else important so without further ado: HAMSQUAD

**margaritaville:** rt if i should kick jefferson in the nuts

               **heavens2betsey:** if i could pick one of us to be “most likely to get shot”, it would be u

               **angel(ica):** no i think most likely to get shot is alex

               **heavens2betsey:** idk remember what peggy did to get a gender neutral bathroom when we were in HS together

               **angel(ica):** fuUCK

               **whambamthankuham:** 1\. RT 2. what

               **margaritaville:** i emptied the local animal shelter and locked 47 cats into the teacher’s lounge for an hour

               **whambamthankuham:** WHAT        

               **margaritaville:** there was piss everywhere, i got my gender neutral bathroom, and all the cats got adopted!!

               **margaritaville:** my methods are unorthodox, but i get shit done

               **lagayette:** that was the best story i’ve ever heard?? were all the cats ok

               **margaritaville:** ofc i made sure they were fine

               **margaritaville:** was it risky? yah. but do i regret? no

               **lagayette:** but i still think alex is the most likely to die first

               **lagayette:** he found out burr's gf was pregnant first and then he dropped the bomb on burr in the middle of a debate

               **lagayette:** even though all it did was make burr develop an eye twitch like goddamn that man is stoic

               **angel(ica):** let’s do some research

               **angel(ica)** _has added_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica)** _has added_ **yrobdntsrvnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** hello i have a question for u gents

               **angel(ica):** if alexander pissed u off REALLY bad would u shoot him

               **callmemacaroni:** is a gun our only option or could we get in a really good stab

               **callmemacaroni:** bc like?? shooting is fine but i feel like stabbing him would be SOOOO satisfying

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF THE FUCK WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH U

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** i don’t want to answer

               **whambamthankuham:** BURR WOULDN’T KNOW DECISIVENESS IF IT PERFORMED FELLATIO ON HIS FATHER IN FRONT OF HIM

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** I’d shoot him.

               **whambamthankuham:** @ peggy i know a thing or two about unorthodox methods

               **margaritaville:** IM CSCSMREMAIGN

`              **margaritaville:** im not sure how getting people to admit that they’d happily murder u is a success but i admire ur methods

               **margaritaville:** wait macaroni man is this the meninist

               **callmemacaroni:** STOP TELLING PEOPLE I’M A MENINIST, HAMILTON

               **margaritaville:** so ur NOT a meninist

               **callmemacaroni:** an equalist, yes, but a meninist?

               **angel(ica)** _has removed_ **callmemacaroni** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** that’s enough of that

               **heavens2betsey:** yes i think so

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** agreed

               **whambamthankuham:** SO UR FINALLY TAKING A STANCE  

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** hamilton, fair treatment of women is the one thing i will take a definitive stance on, and if you thought otherwise, you really don’t know me at all

               **lagayette:** YOINKS

               **angel(ica):** RT IF U THINK WE SHOULD BRING TJEFF BACK IN HERE TO FIGHT BURR

               **lagayette:** RTTTT

               **turtle:** yo sorry to break this up but should i get a tattoo

               **angel(ica):** john wtf

               **turtle:** just asking

               **heavens2betsey:** no

               **turtle:** um

               **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **oopsididitagain.jpg**

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF THE FUCK

               **heavens2betsey:** ^

               **turtle:** i was talking to my dad

               **whambamthankuham:** john no

               **heavens2betsey:** babe...no

               **turtle:** and he said some shit

               **whambamthankuham:** IM SWEATING

               **turtle:** so i got a tattoo?

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** honestly, a lot is happening right now and i’m not sure how i feel about being involved in this

               **margaritaville:** shut up budd this isn’t about you

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** it’s burr…

               **margaritaville:** OMFG

               **margaritaville:** UR KIDDING

               **yrobdntsrvnt:**...no, i’m really not.

               **margaritaville:** OMG SO ALEX HAS BEEN SAYING mr. BURR, sir ALL THIS TIME!?

               **whambamthankuham:** WHY WOULD I RHYME BUDD AND SIR WTF

               **margaritaville:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST REALLY REALLY BAD AT RHYMIGN AND ALSO AT PRONUNCIATION?

               **heavens2betsey:** IM CRYING

               **margaritaville:** ERIN BURR?!?

               **yrobdntsrvnt:** OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, WHAT THE FUCK

               **yrobdntsrvnt** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

               **angel(ica):** y’all are a mess…

               **margaritaville:** WTF IS HIS NAME THEN

               **angel(ica):** it’s AARON? wh AT T HTEF CUk IM SCREAMIGN

               **heavens2betsey:** OK I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS BUT WE NEED TO GO BACK TO JOHN

               **heavens2betsey:** A TATTOO?!!!!

               **angel(ica):** OF A TORTOISE??

               **turtle:** …

               **whambamthankuham:** angel no

               **turtle:**...TURTLE

               **turtle:** FUKC  YOU

               **turtle:** I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF PEOPLE REFUSING TO LEARN BASIC HERPETOLOGY

               **turtle:** FUCK THIS

               **turtle:** TORTOISES LIVE ON LAND

               **turtle:** TURTLES LIVE IN WATER

               **turtle:** TERRAPINS CAN DO BOTH              

 **turtle:** ENOGUH OF HTIS

               **whambamthankuham:** ok would u mind rewinding for a sec. can we talk about WHY u got a turtle tattoo

               **turtle:** I WAS MAD

               **turtle:** and frankly im a little drunk

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s like 3 pm?

               **turtle:** I KNOW

               **turtle:** anyway im a little mad and a little drunk but i think im sober enough to fool everyone BC I HAVE A TATTOO NOw

               **turtle:** holy shit

               **turtle:** I HAVE A TATTOO NOW!!1

               **whambamthankuham:** john u can’t stay home alone any more

               **whambamthankuham:** can someone please go over and watch him till i get off work

               **turtle:** sINCE I HAVE A TATTOO NOW SHOULD I  GET PIERECINGS

               **heavens2betsey:** IM IN CLASS

               **angel(ica):** IM IN LONDON              

               **margaritaville:** im coming home

               **turtle:** YAS PEGGY COME HANG OUT

               **turtle:** do u wanna live with me and alex

               **margaritaville:** sure my dude

               **margaritaville:** let’s talk about that when ur sober though?

               **turtle:** I WILL STILL SAY THE SAME THING

               **turtle:** BEBCAUSE I OV E U

               **turtle:** I LOVE ALL OF U SO MCUH

               **margaritaville:** touching tbfh

               **angel(ica):** LOVE U JOHN

               **turtle:** UR A BADASS ANGEL IM EMO

               **turtle:** ALLMOF U AR E SO STRONG AND TALENTED AND GAY FCUK IM CYRING

               **lagayette:** IM SO?? HOLYS HSITH

               **lagayette:** u leAVE TO HAVE SEX FOR ONE SECOND

               **turtle:** IT ONLY TAKES U ONE SECOND TO HAVE SEX OMG LAF

               **h0rsefucker:** STOP

               **h0rsefucker:** MY PHONE WOULDN’TS TOP BUZZING AND I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG

               **margaritaville:** u keep ur phone on during sex?

               **h0rsefucker:** YEs IN CASE ONE OF U DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS GETS A TATTOO

               **turtle:** tbh @ me next time

               **h0rsefucker:** how r u offended about this

               **heavens2betsey:** im sorry am i the only one still stuck on the fact that john has a TURTLE ON HIS BODY NOW

               **heavens2betsey:** wait what kind of turtle

               **turtle:** a soft shelled one

               **lagayette:** JOHN NO

               **lagayette:** MON AMI THE SOFT SHELL TURTLES LOOK LIKE? UGH HOW U SAY

               **lagayette:** PLEASE HELP 

 **lagayette:** THE FLOPPY PART ON A DICK THE WORD IS ESCAPING ME

               **whambamthankuham:** ….foreskin??

               **lagayette:** YES

               **whambamthankuham:** i am very afraid

               **whambamthankuham:** does my boyfriend have a penis turtle on his body

               **margaritaville:** everyone calm down okay

               **heavens2betsey:** ^ it’s going to be fine alexander and john

               **heavens2betsey:** john, peggy is coming home and you will be fine

               **turtle:** i KNOW i’ll be fine if i want a penis turtle on my hip then by God i am KEEPING a penis turtle on my hip   

               **margaritaville:** ur damn right u are my man now please come unlock the door

               **h0rsefucker:** ok me and laf are going now

               **margaritaville:** hopefully u both last longer than a second lmao

               **h0rsefucker:** join us and find out next time

               **angel(ica):** TBH DELETE

               **h0rsefucker:** OK I WAS KIDDIN GIM SORRY I COULDN’T PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY

               **h0rsefucker:** GOODBYE

               **turtle:** PEGGY BROUGHT ME WATER PEGGY IS MY HERO

               **heavens2betsey:** omg peggy is my hero too babe

               **margaritaville:** hell fucking goddamn right i am

               **margaritaville:** since the best pancake maker is out of commission will one of u bring home a pizza? maybe two? three even

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF DO U THINK IM MADE OF MONEY

               **margaritaville:** ask washington

               **turtle:** OMG YES ASK HIM             

               **lagayette:** DADDY

               **angel(ica):** I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE SEX

               **lagayette:** WE ARE

               **angel(ica):** WHY ARE U ON UR PHONE U NEED TO GO TO CHURCH

               **lagayette:** BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WERE ALL GOING TO BE OK

               **lagayette:** hercules says hi

               **margaritaville:** what is wrong with you

               **lagayette:** u can’t be mean to me we’re dating

               **margaritaville:** fair

               **heavens2betsey:** Y’ALL LET THAT MEME DIE RIGHT NOW OR UR GROUNDED AF

               **margaritaville:** are u asking george about the pizza or not

               **whambamthankuham:** iM AFRAID

               **angel(ica):** i did it

               **whambamthankuham:** U ASKED GW??

               **angel(ica):** no i made my bf order you domino’s online

               **angel(ica):** think twice before u ever diss my weave again love u xoxo

               **margaritaville:** WHAT BOYFRIEND

               **angel(ica):** omg shit

               **margaritaville:** W T F T H E F U C K

               **margaritaville:** OIEHDAFETDCRGIJOM

               **heavens2betsey:** WTF THE FUCK WHAT THE FUK  

               **heavens2betsey:** WHE TH EJU CFK

               **turtle:** iM SCREAMIGN PEGGY JUST THREW THEIR PHONE

               **turtle:** IT KNOCKED OVER A GLASS OF WATER

               **heavens2betsey:** WHTA THE UK

               **lagayette:** i gtg goodbye

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF THE FUCK

               **whambamthankuham:** I ALMSOT MADE GW CRASH THE CAR BC I SHRIEKED

               **heavens2betsey:** omg is george driving u home please thank him nicely

               **whambamthankuham:** of course i will

               **whambamthankuham:** ANGELICA YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ANY OF US??

               **turtle:** are either of u close to home peggy legit has not stopped howling since they read that message

               **angel(ica):** i gtg

               **heavens2betsey:** it’s ok john im in the elevator

               **heavens2betsey:** who is ur bf tho

               **angel(ica):** u remember john barker church

               **turtle:** should i ask peg if they remember jbc?

               **angel(ica):** DON’T

               **turtle:** TEHY’RE GETTIGNT TEHYEIR PHONE I FUCKIED UP

               **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** JOHN. BARKER. CHURCH.

               **heavens2betsey:** you know what

               **heavens2betsey:** i am not being the nice sister anymore.

               **heavens2betsey:** goodbye

 **heavens2betsey** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** no… john baker church isn’t that one guy who

               **whambamthankuham:** oh no

               **angel(ica):** I FUCKED UP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the reason why i had everyone low key hate john barker church is because i read that he was kinda boring? so i wanted to convey that accurately. ALSO i had john get a soft shelled turtle tattoo because apparently that was the kind of turtle he drew. and i also wrote his dad in as a dick bc, well, i heard that he was a dick. that's all for now folks, bye!


	6. thomas jefferson's comin home--jk ANGELICA'S comin home.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so we left off with everyone being salty @ john barker church, john got a tattoo (pray for him), and laf and hercules were being gay. (when are they not amirite lmfao). now peggy and laurens are partying, angelica is headed home, rita ora is a little gay for peggy (yes you read that right), and everyone loves eliza. TLDR: eliza is probably a deity and everyone would die for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS SO LONG OH MY GOD YIKES. shout out to my friend enj for the king george idea! also i noticed in the last chapter that i put john BAKER church, not BARKER church. im sorry. also, i WAS going to put him in the chat but then i thought about laurens and peggy partying and i liked that better so i skipped him. i noticed some people were confused about why everyone hates JBC. i mention the reason why in this chap so pay attention! also! im experimenting with different types of media. im putting in separate group chats in this one (like separate ones for privacy, so ham, eliza, and john have their own, etc), and there's also a part that's meant to be laurens and tjeff texting. in the next chap i might make each of the hamsquad their own twitter and have that be a thing that i do sometimes. idk though, let me know what you think if you want in the comments! as always, let me know if i misgender laf or peggy bc i do slip up sometimes (yikes) and i need to fix it. thank you for reading xoxo

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **turtle:** hey alex what time r u getting home

            **whambamthankuham:** idk around 6

            **turtle:** do u and betsey wanna have date night tonight? i can take peggy out

            **heavens2betsey:** ok YES, but peggy is also a handful

            **turtle:** they're an adult they'll be ok with me

            **whambamthankuham:** what r u gonna do

            **turtle:** dinner and a movie maybe

            **turtle:** or dinner and drinks

            **heavens2betsey:** that's fine

            **heavens2betsey:** just don't tell angel i said it was okay

            **turtle:** okay sweet

            **turtle:** OR i heard this new club called independence hall just opened up

            **heavens2betsey:** it’s okay if u watch them to make sure they don't do anything dumb

            **heavens2betsey:** last time we went clubbing together they got their septum pierced in the corner by a bouncer and made out with ariana grande

            **turtle:** WTF

            **turtle:** WHY WAS ARIANA GRANDE THERE IM SHRIEKING

            **heavens2betsey:** THAT'S WHY IM SAYING BE CAREFUL

            **heavens2betsey:** I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OMG WHY IS ARIANA GRANDE ANYWHERE??

            **whambamthankuham:** to be fair their septum does look really neat

            **heavens2betsey:** i mean yeah but also i don't want that to happen again

            **heavens2betsey:** and jack

            **turtle:** yah

            **heavens2betsey:** no more tattoos for now, yes?

            **turtle:** omg betsey don't worry i’ll be good

-o-

            **turtle:** i asked peggy, they said yes, but apparently their definition of pre gaming is eating ice cream on the couch while watching george michael music videos

            **heavens2betsey:** omg babe don't worry that’s just their ritual they're the life of the party afterwards

            **turtle:** im not complaining tbh george michael is a total fox

            **whambamthankuham:** TRU

 **turtle:** what r u doing for date night

            **heavens2betsey:** we're at mine, netflix and chillin

            **turtle:** classy

            **whambamthankuham:** shut up we're seeing an interpretive dance performance afterwards too we can be sleazy AND esoteric in one evening

            **turtle:** fine

            **heavens2betsey:** im friends with this girl maria and her friend dolley is in it so we're going

            **heavens2betsey:** plus one of the dancers low key looks like oscar isaac

            **turtle:** ugh i can't believe ur gonna ogle someone without me

            **heavens2betsey:** it's okay babe i’ll save u a program

            **turtle:** thanks baby girl

            **whambamthankuham:** ok we're going to chill now bye i love you

            **turtle:** i love you too

            **heavens2betsey:** LOVE U JACK

            **turtle:** I LOVE U BETSEY

            **whambamthankuham:** be safe and text us when u get home

            **heavens2betsey:** don't let peggy bully u

            **turtle:** i won't! now go chill

            **whambamthankuham:** jdjfj

            **whambamthankuham:** SORRY I SAT ON MY PHONE

            -o-

            **heavens2betsey:** y'all ok? we're going into the dance performance so we r gonna have our phones off, hope peggy isn't running u ragged

            **turtle:** GAH DAMN PEGGY CAN HOLD THEIR LIQUOR

            **whambamthankuham:** OMG

            **heavens2betsey:** I TOLD U

            **turtle:** WE'RE FINE BUT! PEGGY IS MAKING OUT WITH THAT GIRL KITTY LIVINGSTON SO I GTG

            **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY IS WHAT

            **heavens2betsey:** ALEXANDER TURN UR PHONE OFF, I TRUST JACK TO HANDLE THIS

-o-

            **whambamthankuham:** yo it’s been like 3 hours, u good?

            **heavens2betsey:** Sweats™

 **heavens2betsey:** LOOK AT PEGGY'S SNAPCHAT STORY

            -o-

            **turtle:** i THINK IM APART OF PEGGY'S SQAUD NOW

            **turtle:** burr’s gf is here

            **turtle:** please pray for her bc peggy is flirting the pants off of her

            **whambamthankuham:** FHYAJDKXDHAH

            **turtle:** ALSO PEGGY HAS HAD LIKE 6 SHOTS AND THEY STILL SEEM VERY SOBER WHAT IS THIS

-o-

            **heavens2betsey:** john it's 1 AM, r u alive

            **turtle:** hey we’re getting pizza

            **heavens2betsey:** really

            **turtle:** yes

            **turtle:** go to bed betsey i love you

-o-

            **turtle:** remember when u said no tattoos

            **turtle:** don't worry i didn't get one

            **turtle:** but peggy talked theodosia into getting one

            **turtle:** i hope y'all are asleep

-o-

            **turtle:** im trying to wrap it up out here

            **turtle:** i thought peggy could drink but MAN can they eat

            **turtle:** they're not even bloated and they've had like three slices of pizza meanwhile ya boy out here reppin violet bereaugard post-blueberry gum disaster

            **turtle:** look im not sober enough to spell beaurrgaurd

            **turtle:** im trying real hard

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** remember when we all said we were gonna brunch tomorrow?

            **margaritaville:** let's push that back to like 2 PM, yes?

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **turtle:** trying to get an uber home im poor

            **turtle:** hey and we met rita ora!

-o-

_1 New Message from: J. Laurens_

**J Laurens:** hey Thomas I know we don't talk a lot but do u have an Uber friend code I can use

 **T Jeff:** Do I want to ask?

 **J Laurens:** I'm with Eliza's lil sib and Rita Ora, so no, you don't want to ask   
**T Jeff:** What??  
****T** Jeff: ** If you're with Rita Ora, why can’t she pay?  
****J** Laurens: ** Can I use your code I know you have one you're instagram famous everyoje who's insta famous has one  
****T** Jeff: ** XmacaroniX  
****T** Jeff: ** Nice typo  
****J** Laurens: ** I’m not sober enough for this  
****J** Laurens: ** Thanks though  
****T** Jeff: **I gotchu

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **turtle:** WE'RE HOME

            **turtle:** peggy is still up and running they asked if we can order chinese

            **turtle:** IM POOR

            **turtle:** OH YEAH AND RITA ORA IS STILL WITH US?

            **turtle:** yo rita ora is ordering chinese

            **turtle:** this is surreal

-o-

 **turtle:** 4 AM GOIN STRONG

            **turtle:** rita ora is spending the night

            **turtle:** imma get some water into peggy and then im going to bed

            **turtle:** if i don't say anything by 11, come check on us to make sure that we haven't died

-o-

            **heavens2betsey:** WHAT HAPPENED

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** anyone mind if we bring rita ora to brunch

            **margaritaville:** she won't stay for long i swear

            **turtle:** why is rita ora in our bed

            **turtle:** why are U in our bed

            **lagayette:** 1\. What 2. WHAT

            **whambamthankuham:** JOHN WTF RITA ORA IS NOT ON UR LIST OF CELEBRITY FREE PASSES WYD

            **heavens2betsey:** WTF IS GOING ON

 **turtle:** did i have sex with rita ora…

            **turtle:** peggy did YOU

            **margaritaville:** no i don't think so

            **margaritaville:** we were uncomfortable on the couch though and you said we could stay in your bed though

            **margaritaville:** NGL i thought u were gonna go somewhere else but you just threw off the blankets and then passed out again immediately

            **turtle:** k im going to get some water, please turn down ur phone brightness i am in pain

            **turtle:** u want some?

            **margaritaville:** yah

            **margaritaville:** can rita borrow one of ur shirts

            **margaritaville:** she said she’s cold

            **turtle:** yeah that’s fine

            **turtle:** ok ya boy comin in hot with coffee, water, nd aspirin, come open the bedroom door

            **turtle:** do u love me or what

            **margaritaville:** WE LOVE U

            **heavens2betsey:**...what’s the word on brunch

            **turtle:** im fine for it, i gotta shower first though

            **turtle:** i didn’t have half as much as peggy did tbh im still alive

            **margaritaville:** yah i’ll be fine let’s do it

            **margaritaville:** one of u has gotta bring me sunglasses though

            **margaritaville:** rita may or may not be coming

            **margaritaville:** ellie and ham wanna come pick us up

            **whambamthankuham:** sure?

            **heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe

            **turtle:** how was the interpretive dance?

            **heavens2betsey:**!!! it was good! madison was there with tjeff

            **turtle:** tbh God bless tjeff… he gave me his uber code last night i wouldn’t have gotten peggy home without him

            **heavens2betsey:**?? WTF

            **heavens2betsey:** we saw the oscar isaac dancer i died

            **turtle:** OMG ME

            **turtle:** WHAT WAS HIS NAME

            **heavens2betsey:** thomas pinckney

            **margaritaville:** was maria there

            **heavens2betsey:** u don’t even know maria

            **margaritaville:** yeah but i know dolley and she’s always snapchatting photos with maria

            **heavens2betsey:** OH RIGHT

            **heavens2betsey:** she was, she did well

            **heavens2betsey:** OMG WAIT HAVE U TALKED TO ANGELICA 

            **margaritaville:** NO SHE CAN SUCK MY LEFT NUT

            **heavens2betsey:** I JUST REALIZED SHE MUST BE WORRIED ABOUT U IF SHE WATCHED UR SNAPCHAT STORY

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

            **margaritaville:** maria’s so hot im gay

            **turtle:** peggy you’ve exceeded ur 24 hour flirting limit

            **turtle:** u almost got matching tattoos with theodosia

            **turtle:** stop being gay

            **margaritaville:** wtf u enormous gaymo U stop being gay

            **turtle:** i deserved that

            **angel(ica):** good morning darlings

            **margaritaville:**...anyways

            **angel(ica):** im coming home tomorrow

            **margaritaville:** lmao

            **margaritaville:** are y’all gonna judge me if i wear last night’s eyebrows to brunch

            **heavens2betsey:** hell no u do u

            **heavens2betsey:** hey angelica are u ready to talk about ur boyfriend now

            **angel(ica):** WTF ARE U STILL MAD AT ME

            **heavens2betsey:** yes :)

            **angel(ica):** WTF OKAY IM SORRY BUT BURR IS TEXTING ME

            **whambamthankuham:** DON’T ADD HIM

            **angel(ica):** I GOTTA

            **angel(ica):** SORRY

 **angel(ica)** _has added_ **yrobdntsrvnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** so. do any of you know anything about theo’s TATTOO

            **margaritaville:**...guilty

            **yrobdntsrvnt:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

            **margaritaville:** look she’s the one who said she’s always dreamed of getting a hip tattoo

            **margaritaville:** is it my fault that it’s an oscar wilde quote? no

            **margaritaville:** plus actually it looks pretty good

            **margaritaville:** ask her if she regrets it before you yell at me

            **angel(ica):** peggy what did you DO

            **heavens2betsey:** y’all get ready

            **heavens2betsey:** alexander and i are on the way

            **heavens2betsey:** has anyone heard anything from laf and herc

            **turtle:** no

            **yrobdntsrvnt:** ….peggy…

            **margaritaville:** what

            **yrobdntsrvnt:** i’m not blaming you but… don’t do that again maybe

            **margaritaville:** fair is fair xoxo

            **yrobdntsrvnt** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** so…

            **whambamthankuham:** do u want to skype us at brunch and we can all talk about jbc

            **lagayette:** SORRY HERCULES AND I WERE NETFLIX AND CHILLING

            **lagayette:** that’s a lie we were just chillin lmao

            **heavens2betsey:** brunch?

            **lagayette:** def

            **lagayette:** ok but why do we all hate john barker church

            **heavens2betsey:** BC HE’S BORING AND ANGELICA IS A GODDESS?

            **heavens2betsey:** THEY’VE ALREADY DATED ONCE AND HE CHEATED ON HER WITH MARIA??

            **heavens2betsey:** BC HE LOOKS LIKE A SQUASHED TAQUITO??

            **heavens2betsey:** BC HE’S GARBAGE??

            **heavens2betsey:** DO I NEED TO CONTINUE??

            **heavens2betsey:** alexander’s phone is dying but he just said i should tell u that he says ‘lmao me’

            **lagayette:** those are fair points

            **turtle:** hey is peggy already in the car? they’ve been suspiciously quiet

            **heavens2betsey:** no we’re not there yet

            **turtle:** i thought i heard a door close maybe they’re going to the bathroom or something

            **heavens2betsey:** maybe

            **heavens2betsey:** is rita ora legitimately coming to our brunch

            **turtle:** i don’t know

            **turtle:** she put her number on a post it on my fridge

            **turtle:** am i friends with rita ora??

            **heavens2betsey:** idk? r u?

            **lagayette:** tbh i can’t belive that i missed this?

            **angel(ica):** KEEP THE MEME ALIVE

            **heavens2betsey:** i belive in memes, i belive in miracles,

            **margaritaville:** can i stay in new york with u guys forever

            **turtle:** where are u

            **margaritaville:** i just made out with rita ora in the back of a cab

            **turtle:** WHAT

            **lagayette:** WHAT

            **h0rsefucker:** IAHDJDMALKONXIOOIAD

            **h0rsefucker:** WTF THE FUCK

            **angel(ica):** IS THIS EVEN REAL

            **margaritaville:** to answer ur question, no she is not coming to brunch

            **turtle:** WTF THE FUCK SHE HAS MY SHIRT

            **margaritaville:** oh man :( sorry

            **heavens2betsey:** WE’RE PULLING UP PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELVES

            **margaritaville:** LAURENS U COMING DOWN?

            **turtle:** yeah i’ll be there in a sec let me get dressed real quick!

            **heavens2betsey:** OK

            **heavens2betsey:** IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A LOT TO DISCUSS

            **angel(ica):** could y’all not have waited for me to get home to do some crazy shit

            **heavens2betsey:** no and i guess you couldn’t bother to tell us about ya bf huh

            **angel(ica):** GTG!

            **turtle:** coming down

            **lagayette:** ok are we going to cup & cup or denny’s?

            **heavens2betsey:** i vote cup & cup since we went to denny’s so recently

            **lagayette:** fair

            **lagayette:** how are u getting there

            **heavens2betsey:** i asked jefferSIN for his code on uber lmao

            **turtle:** OMG

            **turtle:** JEFFERSIN MUST BE DROWNING IN FREE RIDES WTF

            **whambamthankuham:** LET’S GO STOP TALKING ABOUT UBER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

            **angel(ica):** WHY DOES EVERY CONVO END WITH ME BEING ALONE

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **angel(ica):** y’all can we talk or are you still mad

            **angel(ica):** i’ve been compromised

            **heavens2betsey:** who are they and what did they do

            **margaritaville:** i’ll fucking kill them let’s go square the fuck up

            **margaritaville:** don’t even play fam i’ll shred them like a cheese grater with my teeth

            **angel(ica):** WTF IM SCREMAING

            **angel(ica):** NO IT’S OK IT’S JUST JBC DUMPED ME? IM A LITTLE EMO IM NOT SURE WHY HE DID IT RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT BUT IT’S CHILL

            **margaritaville:** MMMM DON’T EVEN PLAY RN

            **margaritaville:** I’LL DO IT

            **margaritaville:** IM BRUSHING MY TEETH RIGHT NOW

            **heavens2betsey:** tbh me

            **heavens2betsey:** IM NOT CHILLIN RN

            **angel(ica):** okay look it’s fine i mean? u were right he was a dick

            **angel(ica):** anyway? i missed my flight bc i was being emo

            **angel(ica):** and dad doesn’t want to pay for a new ticket and the airline won’t let me transfer

            **heavens2betsey:** bby no :( it’s ok! me and peggy are here for u and we will figure this out together dw!

            **margaritaville:** ur damn right we will we gotchu

            **margaritaville:** should we be trying to buy u a ticket rn? bc we can pool our funds

            **angel(ica):** OMG WTF I LOVE U GUYS BUT! the second part of that story is that i have this super rich classmate named george and he is like? literally royalty? he has one of those aesthetic rich kid instagrams lmao but anyway we’re low key best friends and i was complaining to him and hE’S HOOKIGN ME UP WITH HIS PRIVATE JET

            **margaritaville:** WHAT

            **angel(ica):** according to some weird monarchist bullshit, george is like?? positioned to LITERALLY be the king of england after a couple people to die so? he could literally blow a thousand dollars every day for a year and still be rolling in it...so he pretty much just threw money for my ticket at me to make up for what i lost and THEN SAID I COULD USE HIS FAM’S JET

            **angel(ica):** the important part here is that hE’S COMING WITH ME? he’s always wanted to visit america and he said it “wouldn’t be chivalrous” to let me fly alone which i know is george-speak for “im using u as an excuse” but it’s ok he’s a total sweetheart so get ready to meet him i guess im yelling

            **angel(ica):** SO! WE’RE DRIVING TO THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW

            **heavens2betsey:** THIS IS GREAT

            **heavens2betsey:** wait

            **heavens2betsey:** angelica...does he? kinda look like that guy off glee? the one who played jesse st. james. what’s his name? jonathan g-something. i don’t remember. does he look like that guyh. d o des he im sweating

            **angel(ica):** lMAO YES? HE’S CUTE AF

            **angel(ica):** TOO BAD HE’S SSUPER GAY

            **angle(ica):** HE PRETENDS TO BE STRAIGHT BUT HE IS NOT DOING A V GOOD JOB

            **heavens2betsey:** ANGLEIC AI M HOWLING

            **margaritaville:** IS THIS

            **margaritaville:** NGL THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THAT GUY ALEX WAS TALKING ABOUT AT BRUNCH

            **heavens2betsey:** I THINK IT IS

            **heavens2betsey:** angelICA WHAT’S HIS USER

            **angel(ica):** r.oyal.ty

            **heavens2betsey:** OH NO

            **margaritaville:** he’s so subtle lmao

            **margaritaville:** THAT’S SO FUNNY WTF

            **heavens2betsey:** ANGELICA OMG ALEX IS IN LOVE WITH GEORGE

            **heavens2betsey:** WE’VE GIVEN HIM A FREE CELEB PASS IM SCREAMING IF HE EVER MEETS GEORGE THEY’RE ALLOWED TO BANG

            **angel(ica):** GET THE HELL OUT

            **angel(ica):** OMG I LOVE THIS

            **angel(ica):** let’s make a sibling pact rn. no one tell alex about george. ellie u can’t even tell john. then we have brunch when i get there and we watch him lose his shit.

            **heavens2betsey:** I LOVE THIS

            **margaritaville:** why we always havin brunch tho

            **margaritaville:** that’s such an old person thing

            **angel(ica):** what part of getting up late for breakfast and hanging out with ur friends is old person stuff

            **angel(ica):** why aren’t u hype about sleeping and then being gay

            **margaritaville:** fair

            **margaritaville:** but i hate the name it’s ugly

            **heavens2betsey:** angel if you even TRY to jump in with a ‘they’re ugly’ i’ll kick you out

            **angel(ica):** good call ellie

            **heavens2betsey:** GOD i have to do everything in this family

            **heavens2betsey:** okay pegs are we done being mad at angel

            **margaritaville:** yes i forgive you angel

            **margaritaville:** i’ll let it slide

            **angel(ica):** im gonna give u such a big hug u don’t even KNOW

            **margaritaville:** ily!

            **angel(ica):** ily2!

            **heavens2betsey:** i think im gonna cry

            **heavens2betsey:** oh

            **heavens2betsey:** there it is

            **heavens2betsey:** IM CRYING NOW

            **margaritaville:** thank u for being a peacemaker

            **angel(ica):** we’d be lost without u and we love u

            **margaritaville:** yes we do

            **heavens2betsey:** STOOOP IM WAILING

            **heavens2betsey:** I LOVE U IM DEAD AND GONE

            **margaritaville:**!! this is good i like this

            **angel(ica):** me too     

            **angel(ica):** peggy r u done with ur irrational anger

            **margaritaville:** angel i will NEVER be done with irrational anger

            **angel(ica):** that’s exactly what i thought

            **angel(ica):** alright y’all, im getting on the plane

            **angel(ica):** the party’s comin to town

            **margaritaville:** hell yeah fuckin right

            **margaritaville:** r u staying with ellie when u get here

            **angel(ica):** ellie what’s the word r u cool with george comin with me

            **heavens2betsey:** LMFAO YES ALEX IS GONNA DIE

            **heavens2betsey:** WAIT

            **heavens2betsey:** LET’S GO TO BRUNCH BUT U SHOULD LEAVE GEORGE AND PEGGY AT HOME

            **heavens2betsey:** WE’LL SAY PEGGY IS ON THEIR PERIOD AND DOESN’T WANT TO GET OUT OF BED

            **heavens2betsey:** WE’LL ORDER THEM EXTRA FOOD AND THEN WE’LL MAKE EVERYONE COME BACK WITH US TO MY APARTMENT TO “VISIT” THEM IN THEIR ILLNESS  

            **heavens2betsey:** AND GEORGE WILL JUST BE THERE CHILLIN WITH THEM ON THE COUHC

            **margaritaville:** 1\. i like the idea of chillin with george lmfao 2. i’m putting in my order rn, i want pancakes and bacon 3. this is good

            **angel(ica):** I LOVE ALL OF THIS LET’S MAKE THSI HAPPEN

            **angel(ica):** K IM GETTING ON THE PLANE LET’S CHAT LATER XOXO LOVE YOU!

            **margaritaville:** peace out girl scout

            **heavens2betsey:** fly safe angel we’ll be waiting for you when you touch down!

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** hey what does our schedule look like tomorrow

            **heavens2betsey:** angelica’s coming home and she’s staying with me

            **heavens2betsey:** so i can take peggy from u boys and bring them home with me so we can have a sibling reunion

            **turtle:** tomorrow’s saturday right

            **turtle:** GW had me make an appointment with herc for tomorrow so i think we’ll be busy in the morning y’all weren’t thinking brunch were u? we’ll be free any time after 12 which puts us in solid lunch/dinner territory

            **heavens2betsey:** darling we’re ALWAYS thinking brunch

            **heavens2betsey:** what about breakfast for dinner? i feel bad for angel since she missed all the denny’s and rita ora

            **whambamthankuham:** im going with GW to make sure the suit fits right

            **heavens2betsey:** omg alexander that’s gay

            **whambamthankuham:** STOP

            **whambamthankuham:** i know tho those shoulders got me weak every damn day

            **turtle:** why are we dating

            **whambamthankuham:** bc ur gay

            **heavens2betsey:** what about me

            **whambamthankuham:** bc ur God

            **turtle:** OK TRUE

            **turtle:** i never got the God is a woman thing until i met eliza

            **turtle:** i always thought God was low key genderless but eliza is either God or an actual angel

            **heavens2betsey:** wtf stop im going to cry??

            **whambamthankuham:** lmao me

            **whambamthankuham:** she is the best of girlfriends, and the best of women. what would we do without her. i love eliza more every hour

            **turtle:** tbh

            **heavens2betsey:** stop im gone

            **whambamthankuham:** okay what if we do this      

            **whambamthankuham:** john and i will be going into the office tomorrow w/ GW, then from there we r going to herc’s store for the suit

            **whambamthankuham:** so what if we have laf go to herc’s, then me, john, laf, nd herc uber to cup & cup? that way u can get peg nd angel nd meet us there?

            **heavens2betsey:** that’s complicated but also sounds good? ask GW if he wants to come

            **turtle:** he has lunch with martha and then a meeting with the south carolinian senators

            **heavens2betsey:** I HATE THE SC SENATORS THEY’RE ALWAYS THREATENING TO WALK OUT OF EVERY MEETING 

            **turtle:** aGREED

            **whambamthankuham:** that’s hot that u pay attention to the senators

            **whambamthankuham:** marry me maybe

            **heavens2betsey:** we can get married once we stop ubering everywhere and we get an actual car and money

            **whambamthankuham:** wtf those are such particular stipulations

            **whambamthankuham:** fine

            **turtle:** wtf so i don’t get to get married

            **whambamthankuham:** u can be our live-in boyfriend

            **heavens2betsey:** if u want U can marry me and alexander can be the live-in bf

            **heavens2betsey:** or u could marry each other

            **heavens2betsey:** but then u wouldn’t get straight passing privilege

            **turtle:** it’s ok i’ll be alex’s best man and then slow dance with u long enough that people start getting uncomfortable

            **heavens2betsey:** AWESOME

            **whambamthankuham:** I LOVE THIS PLAN

            **whambamthankuham:** i love YOU

            **turtle:** which one of us

            **whambamthankuham:** both of u

            **whambamthankuham:** my dear laurens ur a genius but ur fucking stupid

            **turtle:** ok fair

            **heavens2betsey:** boys

            **heavens2betsey:** enough

            **turtle:** i love you both

            **whambamthankuham:** i love you too

            **heavens2betsey:** i love you both too

            **whambamthankuham:** y’all know that guy on the $10 bill

            **whambamthankuham:** i honestly can’t remember his name

            **whambamthankuham:** but he was super interesting

            **whambamthankuham:** and once he wrote this letter to his wife

            **whambamthankuham:** it was like?? “the sweet softness and delicacy of your mind,the elevation of your sentiments, the real goodness of your heart, its tenderness to me, the beauties of your face and person, your unpretending good sense and that innocent simplicity and frankness which pervade your actions; all these appear to me with increasing amiableness and place you in my estimation above all the rest of your sex”

            **whambamthankuham:** ngl, that last part is unnecessary we don’t need to compare u to other women ur just perfect already

            **whambamthankuham:** but that’s me @ u

            **heavens2betsey:** IM GOING TO FAINT

            **heavens2betsey:** ENOUGH O F THIS

            **turtle:** i agree with all of this and i’d like to add that if i could i’d be 100% straight for u betsey

            **turtle:** as such is impossible, please let it suffice that i think you are the best thing ever

            **heavens2betsey:** THIS IS

            **heavens2betsey:** IMS O EMO I MIGHT CRY

            **whambamthankuham:** it’s okay

            **whambamthankuham:** tbh don’t get me started on john or i will hit character limit

            **whambamthankuham:** john turned me into a sap i hate him

            **turtle:** WTF U CALL ELIZA THE BEST OF HER GENDER AND YET U HATE ME

            **whambamthankuham:** by hate i mean i think we were born to be together

            **whambamthankuham:** i am not myself when i am not with you

            **whambamthankuham:** when i am near you i think sometimes that words will fail me because i can’t define my feelings for you with the depth that you deserve

            **whambamthankuham:** and yes i am mad that my role as the cold machiavellian genius is compromised but my dearest darling laurens since we are usually indulgent of those that we love i won’t blame u for it and u will always be the sole recipient of the overwhelming affection that u have instilled in me

            **heavens2betsey:** THAT WAS GAY

            **turtle:** i think i just swooned GW looked at me weird

            **turtle:** okay okay okay enough of this gayness

            **turtle:** im getting emo because i can’t kiss either one of u

            **heavens2betsey:** ME EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE WTF THE FUCK

            **heavens2betsey:** okay i have a meeting with the learning center board of directors, let’s get our shit done

            **heavens2betsey:** peggy said they want to go out with theodosia

            **heavens2betsey:** im hoping there will be no tattoos involved im trusting them

            **heavens2betsey:** when u guys get off work can i come over

            **heavens2betsey:** john we can make up for our lost date night

            **turtle:** IM HERE FOR THAT

            **whambamthankuham:** hooOOLY SHIT YES BETSEY

            **whambamthankuham:** whenever ur ready just let urself in

            **whambamthankuham:** u have ur key right

            **heavens2betsey:** yes

            **heavens2betsey:** alright im going in

            **heavens2betsey:** be good and finish up ur work on time

            **turtle:** we love you!

            **whambamthankuham:** ^ so much

            **heavens2betsey:** i love you too!

            **whambamthankuham:** aight let’s shut this shit down

            **whambamthankuham:** john wanna see if GW will drive us home

            **turtle:** yes but u should ask him i think he likes u more

            **whambamthankuham:** fair

            **whambamthankuham:** okay let’s finish up this speech draft and then u can pack up and i’ll beg GW

            **turtle:** done and done. let’s do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW FOR ONCE IT DIDN'T END WITH ANGELICA BEING LONELY LMAO. ALSO, the club name is a reference to where the constitutional convention was held. and i mentioned the south carolinian senators not bc i hate the modern day south carolinian government, but bc i read somewhere that during meetings like the constitutional convention, the SC delegates would threaten to walk out if they didn't get their way, and the new american government really wanted everyone to vote unanimously, so they would have to crumple to the carolinian's demands lmfao yikes. also, i really WANTED to post every day but that schedule doesn't seem feasible, especially since i'm going to be on spring break soon and i'll be away from my computer a lot, so just so y'all know: i'm just going to be posting as much as i can but i make zero promises. also, kudos to you if you caught the references to hamilton's letters to eliza and laurens at the end!


	7. his excellency, king george the NERD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with angelica being on her way home, eliza, laurens, and ham being SUPER GAY, and peggy low key crushing on rita ora (yes you read that right). so now we have the gang headed to brunch, eliza thirsting over her boyfriends, a special surprise for alex, and general shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY IT'S BEEN A WHILE! i'm sorry for the lack of posting. i've been trying to make the most of my v short break and also i was STUDYING bc i had a HUGE AMOUNT OF HOMEWORK even though we were on BREAK because here in college they HATE US (don't go to college kids it's a lie). first of all, i just want to shout out people who are writing stuff inspired by this because that's AMAZING! i'm glad you enjoy this, and i am soOOOOooo happy that you're making your own things too!! if you write something inspired by this, please tag me in it/send it to me/let me know about it somehow because I WANT TO READ IT!! also i wrote this on nat'l pancake day but didn't post it then oops sorry! second of all, this chapter went way off the rails? OOPS. LAST OF ALL, my beautiful friend enj who is (@OBLWAN_ on twitter pls go talk to them) wrote this amazing les mis chat fic called les amemes (find it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6261430/chapters/14347369) and some time in the future we're gonna do a little crossover thing since some of the hamsquad spends time in france, so go check it out! thank you and sorry for the trainwreck that is this chapter.

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **angel(ica):** ELLIE

               **angel(ica):** U HOME

               **heavens2betsey:** no

               **heavens2betsey:** do i need to be

               **angel(ica):** it would be nice

               **heavens2betsey:** i left peggy there to open the door for u

               **heavens2betsey:** PEGGY GET UP NOW

               **margaritaville:** WTF

               **margaritaville:** FINE

               **margaritaville:** i just want u all to know that i will not be making a habit of A) doing u favors or B) wearing a bra so don’t get used to this

               **angel(ica):** good to know

               **margaritaville:** REMEMBER HOW WE SAID I WAS GONNA PRETEND TO HAVE MY PERIOD

               **margaritaville:** KARMA GOT ME AND I ACTUALLY HAVE IT NOW

               **margaritaville:** PLEASE BRING SUPPLIES WHEN U RETURN, IM WORKING WITH A THIRD OF WHAT OUR CONGRESS HAS PROMISED US

               **heavens2betsey:** stop making refs to the american revolution

               **heavens2betsey:** dw babe i always gotchu check the bathroom cabinet

               **margaritaville:** OMG

               **margaritaville:** ELLIE IS GOD, 100% CONFIRMED YET AGAIN

               **angel(ica):** where are u anyway ellie

               **angel(ica):** what do u have to do that’s more important

               **heavens2betsey:** my boyfriends

               **margaritaville:** LMFAO

               **angel(ica):** OK FAIR

               **margaritaville:** HOLY SHIT

               **margaritaville:** OMG GEORGE IS SO CUTE

               **angel(ica):** stop he is my gay u can’t have him

               **margaritaville:** wtf that was problematic

               **angel(ica):** IM IN TEARS I MEANT *GUY

               **angel(ica):** I SWEAR I MEANT GUY

               **angel(ica):** I HONESTLY TYPE GAY SO MUCH THAT MY PHONE DOESN’T THINK GUY IS A REAL WORD ANYMORE

            **margaritaville:** IM LAUGHGIJNG SO HRARD

               **margaritaville:** IT’S OK

               **heavens2betsey:** omg alexander is gonna lose it

               **heavens2betsey:** i am the best gf ever

               **heavens2betsey:** speaking of being the best gf ever, i gotta blast

               **heavens2betsey:** and by blast i mean have another orgasm or so before i leave for home

               **margaritaville:** NASTY

               **angel(ica):** IDK WHY U ALL USE UR PHONES DURING SEX

               **margaritaville:** I DON’T

               **angel(ica):** PEGGY U DON’T HAVE SEX

               **margaritaville:** okay fair

               **heavens2betsey:** au revoir               

 **heavens2betsey:** ttyl xoxo

               **margaritaville:** xoxo

               **angel(ica):** xoxo

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** are u done getting GW’s suit

               **turtle:** IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS

               **turtle:** IM SCREAMING

               **turtle:** ALEX HAS CHECKED OUT GW’S SHOULDERS FROM EVERY ANGLE BY NOW??

               **heavens2betsey:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD

               **heavens2betsey:**  BUT TODAY IS NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY

               **heavens2betsey:** I KNOW GETTING BREAKFAST FOODS AT GREASY INDIE DINERS BC WE’RE STARVING ARTISTS IS LIKE OUR PERSONAL BRAND BUT IF WE GO TO IHOP WE CAN GET REALLY CHEAP SHORT STACKS

               **turtle:** oh that

               **turtle:** let’s do that

               **turtle:** what do you think of a green suit

               **turtle:** like emerald tho

               **heavens2betsey:** for u?

               **turtle:** NO LMFAO FOR GW

               **heavens2betsey:** idk tbh

               **turtle:** ok bc herc wants him to buy it

               **heavens2betsey:** herc works in a very unstable industry ofc he wants him to buy it

               **heavens2betsey:** damn though see if there’s one in alexander’s size

               **heavens2betsey:** it’d have to be a really really REALLY dark green like u said emerald but im thinkin forest

               **turtle:** GAH DAMN GAH DAMN GAH DAMN

               **turtle:** im gonna ask about it

-o-

               **whambamthankuham:** is it reasonable to wear a three piece suit to ihop

               **whambamthankuham:** im feelin myself

               **heavens2betsey:** maybe if u unbutton most of the buttons

               **turtle:** HE LOOKS SO HOT             

 **turtle:** IM SO GAY SUDDENLY

               **heavens2betsey:** pics or it didn’t happen

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **succthenut.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey:** IIM SCREAMIGN

               **heavens2betsey:** IM COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL SUDDENLY

               **heavens2betsey:** WEAR THAT EVERYWEHRE MAYBE??

               **heavens2betsey:** TAKE IT OFF BUT ALSO  LEEAVE IT ON

               **heavens2betsey:** WHAT IS THIS

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **imcompletely100percentstraight.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **therumorswerewrongimstraight.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **aintitfunbeinheterosexual.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **ilovedick.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **takeyourpantsoff.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **YAS.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **time2succ.jp**

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **thatassislifechanging.jpg**

               **turtle:** BETSEY STOP IM LAUGHING SO HAR D

               **turtle:** WHAT IS THIS

               **turtle:** I CAN’T BREATHE

               **whambamthankuham:** THIS IS SO FUNNY WHAT THE FUCK

               **heavens2betsey:** IM SMCMREIAFOAIJDC

               **heavens2betsey:** I’VE ASCENDED

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** what did you say to ellie she fell off the couch

               **turtle:** wE SENT HER A PHOTO OF ALEX IN A SUIT

               **margaritaville:** JOHN NO

               **margaritaville:** DO U WANT HER DEAD OR WHAT

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **succthenut.jpg**

 **margaritaville:** Suddenly, I Am Heterosexual

               **angel(ica):** GAH DAMN??

               **angel(ica):** HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

               **lagayette:** Suddenly, I Am Gay

               **margaritaville:** SAME LAF

               **h0rsefucker:** LOOK AT MY SON

               **h0rsefucker:** pride is not the word i’m looking for

               **h0rsefucker:** there is so much more

               **margaritaville:** ^ WHAT’S MORE IS THAT I FEEL ODDLY STRAIGHT

               **h0rsefucker:** there is so much more inside me now

               **lagayette:** ^ like my dick

               **whambamthankuham:** HOW ARE U ALREADY FUCKING WTF U WENT IN THE BACK FOR MORE FABRIC LIKE 5 SECONDS AGO

               **turtle:** OH MYG D

               **whambamthankuham:** GW ALREADY AGREED TO DRIVE US BUT WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO GET A CAB OR SOMETHING IF YOU TAKE ANY LONGER

               **margaritaville:** SUCC FASTER

               **lagayette:** STOP RUSHING US

               **margaritaville:** SUCC

               **angel(ica):** SUCC

               **h0rsefucker:** SUCC

               **whambamthankuham:** SUCC

               **turtle:** SUCC

               **heavens2betsey:** SUCC

               **lagayette:** lmao

               **lagayette:** done

               **heavens2betsey:** WTF THAT WAS FAST LMFAO HERC

               **h0rsefucker:** WHEN UR DICK IS GETTING VACUUM SUCKED AND ALL UR FRIENDS ARE YELLING AT U TO NUT IT’S HARD TO LAST SHUT THE FUCK UP

               **heavens2betsey:** stoP IM LAUGHGIN SO FUCKING HRAD

               **heavens2betsey:** ok we’ll meet u at ihop

               **margaritaville:** will u guys bring pancakes back for me? i have cramps i don’t think i can come :((

               **whambamthankuham:** OMG PEGGY IM SORRY

               **whambamthankuham:** do u want anything else?

               **whambamthankuham:** HEATING PAD?? IBUPROFEN??

               **margaritaville:** all of those and extra syrup

               **whambamthankuham:** I GOTCHU

               **heavens2betsey:** wtf ur so considerate

               **turtle:** that’s hot

               **heavens2betsey:** agreed

               **lagayette:** 1\. stop being gross 2. peggy i also gotchu do u want me to get you one of those fancy red velvet lattes that you like

               **margaritaville:** WTF I DON’T WANT TO MAKE U GO OUT OF UR WAY

               **lagayette:** alex is showing me up and ur supposed to be my paramour

               **angel(ica):** WTF?? I THOUGHT THAT MEME HAD DIED HONESTLY CUT IT OUT

               **margaritaville:** our love will never die

               **margaritaville:** in that case it would be very nice, thank you

               **lagayette:** ok ily

               **lagayette:** are u at ellie’s

               **margaritaville:** ily2

               **heavens2betsey:** yah they are

               **lagayette:** ok can we all go there afterwards so we can drop off the stuff

               **heavens2betsey:** that’s fine with me

               **margaritaville:** Y’ALL R THE BEST

               **whambamthankuham:** OK WE R IN THE CAR WITH GW WE’RE GOING TO IHOP

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **margaritaville:** OMG THEY ALL FELL FOR THAT

               **heavens2betsey:** I ALMOST FEEL BAD

               **angel(ica):** I ALMOST FEEL BAD tOO EXCEPT PEGGY DESERVES CHOCOLATE AND EXTRA SYRUP ALWAYS ANYWAY SO IT DOESN’T MATTER

               **heavens2betsey:** JSDJODJIJFA

               **heavens2betsey:** TBH TRUE IF Y’ALL THINK IM GOD PEGGY IS AT LEAST ONE OF MY ANGELS

               **margaritaville:** STOP OR I WILL DIE

               **angel(ica):** HOW IS GEORGE HOLDING UP

               **margaritaville:** HE’S DOING FINE WE ARE CUDDLING AND WATCHING HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

               **angel(ica):** WTF YOU MET HIM LIKE THREE SECONDS AGO HOW ARE U ALREADY CUDDLING

               **margaritaville:** IM CUTE

               **margaritaville:** IT USUALLY DOESN’T TAKE MUCH MORE THAN THAT

               **heavens2betsey:** MEEEEEEEE

               **heavens2betsey:** OK WE ARE GOING IN, I’LL MESSAGE U WHEN WE ARE COMING UR WAY

               **margaritaville:** sounds good xoxo

-o-

 _New Messages from:_ **His Excellency, G-Man**

 **His Excellency, G-Man:** Hey, I hope everything is going well.

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** Are you legitimately bringing Eliza’s boyfriend here

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** Is he allowed to fuck other people

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** HE COMMENTS ON MY INSTAGRAM SO MUCH THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW HIS USERNAME

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** ANGELICA I HAVE OVER 1M FOLLOWERS DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE IT IS FOR ME TO RECOGNIZE USERNAMES

               **Angel:** yes, and yes

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** WHAT

               **Angel:** eliza and john put u on his list of free celebrity passes

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** Angelica, I am dead

               **Angel:** ME AF

               **Angel:** OKAY OKAY CHILL

               **Angel:** is peggy treating u well

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** YES, THEY’RE VERY COOL.

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** WE’RE WATCHING HTGAWM

               **Angel:** ok don’t go past season 1 though

               **Angel:** i want to watch season 2 w/ u

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** OK!

               **His Excellency, G-Man:** I’ll let you get back to lunch. Bye!

               **Angel:** thx! bye xoxo

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **heavens2betsey:** pegs we have ur pancakes and other supplies and we r on the way

               **margaritaville:** i’ll see u on the other side of the war

               **heavens2betsey:** ur dead if u keep doing that wounded soldier shit

               **margaritaville:** WTF THE FUCK

               **margaritaville:** FINE

               **angel(ica):** what r u doing with george

               **margaritaville:** we r chillin

               **margaritaville:** I MEAN LITERALLY CHILLIN WE AREN’T FUCKING

               **margaritaville:** imma have him open the door when y’all get here so alex will die

               **angel(ica):** I LOVE THIS

-o-

               **heavens2betsey:** COMING UP

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** I CAN’T BELIEVE ALEX PASSED OUT

               **whambamthankuham:** I CAN’T FUKCING BELIVE THIS SHIT

               **angel(ica):** it’s been weeks omfg i love that we’re still using one of my typos as a meme

               **whambamthankuham:** GEORGE IS SO HOT IN PERSON

               **whambamthankuham:** I THINK I MIGHT BE DEAD

               **whambamthankuham:** ITHINK I AMM DEDAD

               **turtle:** THIS IS SO FUNNY

               **heavens2betsey:** I AM THE BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER

               **lagayette:** OMFG

               **lagayette:** I AM

               **lagayette:** HOW U SAY

               **lagayette:** AWAKE BECAUSE OF THIS

               **h0rsefucker:** babe it’s “living for this”

               **lagayette:** OMG THANKS

               **turtle:** tag urself im awake because of this

               **margaritaville:** im how u say

               **whambamthankuham:** im FUCKINHG SCREMAING, tHAT’S WHAT I AM

               **whambamthankuham:** HOLY SHIT

               **whambamthankuham:** I CAN’T BEIVE THIS

               **whambamthankuham:** I M GOIJNG TO FAINT AGAIN

               **margaritaville:** WAS THAT EVEN REAL OR DID WE ALL COLLECTIVELY DREAM THAT YOU PASSED OUT BC UR HONESTLY TOO GAY

               **heavens2betsey:** IOSAJDFIOAJDICJC

               **heavens2betsey:** I AM AWAKE BECASUE OF THIS

               **whambamthankuham:** I M SO EMBARRASSED

               **angel(ica):** IM IOSDFJAIODJFAIHSC

               **angel(ica):** THIS IS PURE GOLD

               **angel(ica):** I WANT TO BOTTLE THIS MOMENT AND LIVE IN IT FOREVER

 **angel(ica)** _has added_ **theOGgeorge** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **theOGgeorge:** Alexander, are you okay?

               **whambamthankuham:** ujmsMIDFIMSD

               **whambamthankuham:** LMAO YEAH IM FINE

               **whambamthankuham:** IM OK

               **whambamthankuham:** THANKS FOR ASKING

               **theOGgeorge:** :)

               **margaritaville:** i love that george’s name implies that he is an original gangster who’s been chilling in the ghetto all his life, takin names nd crackin skulls, when in fact he is a smol white boy who shits silver spoons and has ferragamo loafers that he sometimes wears unironically

               **theOGgeorge:** PEGGY

               **theOGgeorge:** WTF

               **theOGgeorge:** WHAT A DRAG

               **theOGgeorge:** Honestly, that’s fair though

               **angel(ica):** I MADE IT FOR HIM

               **angel(ica):** IT’S MORE OF PERFORMANCE ART THAN ANYTHING ELSE

               **angel(ica):** HE IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM AN OG THAT I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE THIS WHITE

               **angel(ica):** I ONCE CAUGHT HIM MIXING BLACK BEANS WITH TACO SEASONING AND PASTA

               **turtle:** MY SOUL JUST SCREAMED IN FOURTEEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES

               **turtle:** GEORGE WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

               **theOGgeorge:** To be fair, I was very hungry

               **heavens2betsey:** NO SHADE BUT UR ROLLIN IN DOUGH

               **heavens2betsey:** order in, perhaps???

               **theOGgeorge:** PLEASE

               **theOGgeorge:** MUST I BE JUDGED FOR MY PAST TRANSGRESSIONS

               **angel(ica):** george’s full title is gonna be Majesty George the Third, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas King, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India (in Latin: George VI, Dei Gratia Magnae Britanniae, Hiberniae et terrarum transmarinarum quae in ditione sunt Britannica Rex, Fidei Defensor, Indiae Imperator.) (Sovereign of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Sovereign of the Most Illustrious Order of Saint Patrick, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, Sovereign of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Sovereign of the Distinguished Service Order, Sovereign of the Imperial Service Order, Sovereign of the Most Exalted Order of the Star of India, Sovereign of the Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Sovereign of the Order of British India, Sovereign of the Indian Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Burma, Sovereign of the Royal Order of Victoria and Albert, Sovereign of the Royal Family Order of King Edward VII, Sovereign of the Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of the Companions of Honour, Sovereign of the Royal Victorian Order, Sovereign of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John of Jerusalem.) he is not an OG

               **whambamthankuham:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

               **whambamthankuham:** can’t wait to say THAT in bed

               **theOGgeorge:** OMG

               **theOGgeorge:** ALEXANDER

               **theOGgeorge:** I’M SCREAMING

               **heavens2betsey:** CAN U EVEN BELIVE

               **theOGgeorge:** Okay but that’s actually mine will prob just be “George the Third, by the Grace of God, King of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, [Defender of the Faith](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fidei_defensor), and so forth”

               **turtle:** i like how it’ll “just be” a couple esoteric titles plus a “so forth” that implies u own EVERYONE’S asses

               **theOGgeorge:** As opposed to a paragraph, I think it has its charms

               **turtle:** fair enough

               **whambamthankuham:** lmfao this ass will gladly be owned

               **heavens2betsey:** IM LAGUHGIN SO HARD

               **angel(ica):** IM HOWLIHGN GEORGE IS BLUSHING SO HARD

               **theOGgeorge:** PLEASE

               **theOGgeorge:** ANGELICA

               **theOGgeorge:** WHy

               **lagayette:** george that’s so relatable

               **theOGgeorge:**?

               **lagayette:** it me

               **lagayette:** Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette

               **lagayette:** that’s like not even my title that’s just my name

               **theOGgeorge:** OMG

               **theOGgeorge:** POOR YOU

               **margaritaville:** ISN’T IT FUCKING HILARIOUS THAT THEIR FIRST NAME IS MARIE

               **theOGgeorge:** I WASN’T GOING TO MENTION IT

               **theOGgeorge:** BUT HONESTLY THAT’S REALLY FUNNY

               **lagayette:** BYEEE

               **lagayette:** TBH IM SO INSECURE ABOUT IT

               **h0rsefucker:** NOOO

               **margaritaville:** JSYK JUST AS FUN TO SAY IN BED AS IT SOUNDS

               **angel(ica):** NO

               **angel(ica):** TBH?? END THIS

               **angel(ica):** I HATE THIS

               **angel(ica):** PLEASE STOP THIS NOW

               **angel(ica):** THANK YOU

               **angel(ica):** DISGUSTING

               **angel(ica):** GARBAGE

               **angel(ica):** TRASH

               **angel(ica):** REFUSE

               **angel(ica):** WASTE

               **lagayette:** ;)

               **h0rsefucker:** ;)

               **margaritaville:** ;))))))))

               **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** OMFG

               **heavens2betsey:** IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENED

               **heavens2betsey:** I’D HAVE LIKE 5 DOLLARS BUT THAT’S STILL EXCITING

               **margaritaville:** IM DYINNNNGGGG

               **theOGgeorge:** WHAT IS THIS

               **whambamthankuham:** IT’S A MEME

               **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY AND LAF AND HERC LIE ABOUT THE TRUE NATURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO PISS ANGEL OFF

               **lagayette:** BUT ARE WE LYING

               **h0rsefucker:** ARE WE REALLY

               **margaritaville:** AREEE WE?

               **heavens2betsey:** PLS KEEP THIS MEME TO URSELVES

               **heavens2betsey:** IM ADDING ANGEL BACK IN

               **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** i hate you all

               **theOGgeorge:** :’)

               **angel(ica):** NOT U

               **angel(ica):** U R PURE

               **h0rsefucker:** not to sound picky but

               **angel(ica):** HERCULES DON’T       

               **lagayette:** ngl herc u r the light of my life but i know ur boutta whip out an angry critique of monarchism and i must remind u that although OG over there is a part of an anachronistic system he is not personally responsible for it and may not even have a chance to fully subscribe to it even though he does unfairly benefit from it, pLEASE DON’T DESTROY ANOTHER FRIENDSHIP OVER THIS

               **h0rsefucker:** okay u know what

               **h0rsefucker:** that’s fair

               **h0rsefucker:** but peggy was gonna let me go off so i like them better than u now

               **lagayette:** PEGGY DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING

               **lagayette:** WTF

               **margaritaville:** SILENCE IN THE FACE OF A PROBLEM IS TACIT AGREEMENT WITH THE ISSUE AT HAND EVEN IF THE UNVOICED OPINION DIFFERS

               **whambamthankuham:** holy shit

               **whambamthankuham:** ngl y’all are kind of ruining my chances at getting a dicking down but i am fueled by confrontation please keep letting this spiral out of control

               **theOGgeorge:** I’m sweating honestly

               **theOGgeorge:** Is there a good way for me to apologize for a political system

               **h0rsefucker:** nah we good we good im chillin

               **lagayette:** wHEN HAVE U EVER CHILLED IN UR ENTIRE LIFE

               **h0rsefucker:** i’ve chilled with u

               **margaritaville:** DELETE

               **heavens2betsey:** TBH NOT SURE IF UR SAYING “I’VE CHILLED WITH U” AS A STATEMENT ABOUT THE FACT THAT LAF SOFTENS UR ORDINARILY ABRASIVE BEHAVIOR OR AS A JIBE BC U’VE FUCKED BUT EITHER WAY UR BOTH GETTING RAKED THROUGH THE MUD STOP THIS

               **margaritaville:** no let the conflict continue i want to be the favorite

               **theOGgeorge:** Is this about me still

               **lagayette:** NO IT’S PERSONAL NOW

               **h0rsefucker:** TRUE

               **h0rsefucker:** IM DUMPING GILBERT

               **margaritaville:** HOO SHIT

               **theOGgeorge:** Why is it an insult for you to use one of their first names

               **lagayette:** BECAUSE IT’S FAKE

               **h0rsefucker:** UR FAKE

               **h0rsefucker:** DISGUSTING

               **margaritaville:** I CHANGED MY MIND THIS IS HORRIFYING

               **turtle:** yo i’ve been sittin back here this whole damn time trying to justify black beans with pasta and taco seasoning and i got nothing

               **turtle:** i have to know the truth

               **turtle:** WHY

               **lagayette:** ^LMFAO ME RN

               **theOGgeorge:** I liked it better when you were fighting each other.

               **whambamthankuham:** with every inflammatory message my chance of getting that dick shrinks

               **lagayette:** OMG RIP

               **angel(ica):** tbh still salty about this laf/herc/peggy meme

               **lagayette:** angelica this is SO not about u rn

               **whambamthankuham:** DID Y’ALL READ MY MESSAGE OR

 **theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **gottablast.jpg**

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH DELETE

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m kidding, Alexander

 **theOGgeorge:** There is not much that could hurt your chances of a ‘dicking down’

 **turtle:** HOOOOOOOLY SHIT

 **turtle:** THIS IS AMAZING

 **turtle:** THIS IS SOOOO GAY IM LIVING

 **theOGgeorge:** How do you not feel awkward with me offering to dick your boyfriend down though

 **theOGgeorge:** NO SHADE INTENDED

 **turtle:** nah i feel that

 **turtle:** im not worried? idk we all have our list of free passes and they must be respected

 **turtle:** WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR SO LONG IM NOT REALLY SURE IT’S POSSIBLE FOR ANYTHING TO COME BETWEEN US?

 **heavens2betsey:** EXCEPT ME LMAO

 **turtle:** yeah but u LIKE coming between us don’t u

 **theOGgeorge:** TBH I’M SCREAMING

 **lagayette:** SOMEONE LOCK THE SOULMATES UP

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH IM TOUCHED

 **whambamthankuham:** EMOTIONALLY TOUCHED, HOPING TO BE PHYSICALLY TOUCHED

 **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** YAYDAHFDoiSDFOJASDFIOJ

 **theOGgeorge:** DEAD.

 **lagayette:** THE ONLY REASON I’M STAYING IN HERE IS BC ME AND HERC SUBJECT U TO THIS SAME PAIN ON THE DAILY

 **heavens2betsey:** ANGELICA JUST TEXTED ME AND SAID ‘@ LAF HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WITNESS THE SAME HORROR I DO EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I SEE YOUR MESSAGES TO PEGGY HHOW DOES IT FEEL NOW’

 **lagayette:** HOOO MY FUCKING GOD

 **h0rsefucker:** i hate y’all

 **lagayette:** :(

 **h0rsefucker:** :)

 **h0rsefucker:** OMG EVERYONE SHARE UR BEST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES 1 2 3 GO

 **heavens2betsey:** omg wait angel and pegs gotta be here for this

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _and_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** HERC WANTS US ALL TO SHARE OUR BEST SEX STORIES

               **angel(ica):** YOOOO

               **margaritaville:** mine’s gonna be rita ora when she’s back in town lmfao

               **whambamthankuham:** LMAO ME

               **whambamthankuham:** MINE’S GONNA BE GEORGE

               **turtle:** #rude

               **heavens2betsey:** #relatable

               **angel(ica):** ooohhhh y’all when i was in france for the week a while back...goddamn…

               **angel(ica):** i got the best head of my LIFE from this guy i met there, never saw him again

               **angel(ica):** IT WAS DARK TOO  SO I WILL NEVER EVEN BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE HIM :((

               **angel(ica):** IDK IF Y’ALL HAVE EVER GOTTEN EATEN OUT TO LA VIE EN ROSE BUT I DID AND I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE

               **heavens2betsey:** NVM I HATE THIS GAME

               **lagayette:** IM WAILING

               **lagayette:** ME THO

               **lagayette:** I GOT HEAD FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON

               **whambamthankuham** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** WTF THE FUCK

               **h0rsefucker:**???

               **lagayette:** HE WAS VISITING FRANCE ONCE WITH HIS PARENTS LMFAO

               **lagayette:** AND OUR PARENTS MET UP AND HAD DINNER TOGETHER

               **lagayette:** AND THOMAS HAD M E FOR DINNER

               **heavens2betsey:** IM HSOIDJCKMSKAKLM

               **h0rsefucker:** I HONESTLY CANNOT BREATHE

               **angel(ica):** u know what’s weird is that i’ve actually never met tjeff

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** alexander omg angelica says she’s never met tjeff

               **whambamthankuham:** UR BETTER OFF FOR IT

               **whambamthankuham:** wait but?? im p sure u met him at that office party a while back?

               **angel(ica):** no i was supposed to but ellie was so busy dragging me to meet all of ur politician friends that i never ended up seeing him

               **angel(ica):** there were SOOO many people there

               **whambamthankuham:** but u know what he looks like right

               **whambamthankuham:** UGLY

               **lagayette:** STOP SAYNIG HE’S UGYLY

               **lagayette:** MADISON SAYS HE LOOKS LIKE ME WITH MY HAIR DOWN U ARE ABSOLUTLEY NOT ALLOWED TO SA Y HE’S UGLY OR IM UGLY

               **heavens2betsey:** isn’t it weird that madison low key looks like herc

               **h0rsefucker:** WTF THE FUCK

               **h0rsefucker:** UR BLOWING MY MIND RN

               **whambamthankuham:** WTF THAT’S WEIRD STOP THAT

               **turtle:** peggy low key looks like maria tho

               **margaritaville:** DELETE

               **margaritaville:** IM NOT INTO SELFCEST

               **heavens2betsey:** SEDLJFISDJFIJ

               **theOGgeorge:** I’m dead

               **angel(ica):** at least we don’t know anyone who looks like george

               **heavens2betsey:** yah cause we don’t have any white friends

               **turtle:** YIKES YIKES YIKES

               **heavens2betsey:** ILY THO GEORGE

               **theOGgeorge:** :)

 **margaritaville:** can we talk about how george uses correct punctuation & smileys

 **theOGgeorge:** PLEASE LET ME LIVE

 **margaritaville:** no

 **margaritaville:** what kind of neophyte nonsense

 **theOGgeorge:** WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING ME

 **angel(ica):** that’s how they show love

 **angel(ica):** the harder they drag the more they love you

 **margaritaville:** not true

 **margaritaville:** i don’t drag you because i love you i drag you because i think ur problematic

 **angel(ica):** UM NOAH FENCE BUT GO FUCK URSELF PERHAPS SWEATY

 **theOGgeorge:** ME

 **lagayette:** this is off topic but i can’t find my glasses

 **turtle:** laf get ur shit together

 **turtle:** we’ve all been sitting in betsey’s living room for an hour how tf did u lose ur glasses

 **lagayette:** I DON’T KNOW!!!

 **lagayette:** I NEED THEM

 **turtle:** it’s ok we can look before we go

 **heavens2betsey:** yeah it’ll be fine

 **angel(ica):** JSIOFDJAIJ GEORGE JUST FELL ASLEEP

 **whambamthankuham:** OMG

 **whambamthankuham:** GUESS I GOTTA WAIT TILL AFTER THE JET LAG PASSES

 **margaritaville:** SO MUCH STANDS IN THE WAY OF ALEX GETTING DICK AND YET HE PERSEVERES

 **margaritaville:** I WANT TO BE AS STRONG AND AS GAY AS THAT SOME DAY

 **h0rsefucker:** I’VE BEEN SITTING ON LAF’S GLASSES

 **lagayette:** I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU

 **h0rsefucker** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** OIDJFAISJDFIOSJ

 **margaritaville:** tfw ur bf fucks up

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** I LIVE FOR THIS MEMEING

 **margaritaville:** ME TOO

 **whambamthankuham:** I THINK LAF IS TRYING TO MURDER HERCULES FOR REAL

 **turtle:** WTF THE FUCK

 **turtle:** LET’S GO TAKE CARE OF THAT MAYBE

-o-

_1 New Message from: Unknown_

**Unknown:** HEY LAURENS

 **J Laurens:** Who is this

 **Unknown:** RITA!

 **J Laurens:** HEY GIRL HEY

 _You have updated this contact to:_ **Rita Ora (HOLY SHIT)**

 **Rita Ora (HOLY SHIT):** i have ur shirt can u send me ur address

 **J Laurens:** yes

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **turtle:** can u believe someone invented mayonnaise

 **turtle:** who was sitting around one day and decided to mix eggs and vinegar and slap it on a slice of bread like what the actual fuck

 **whambamthankuham:** oh john

 **whambamthankuham:** my dear, dear laurens

 **whambamthankuham:** i love you so incredibly much

 **heavens2betsey:** #thingshesaysrightbeforehegoestofuckanotherman

 **whambamthankuham:** betsey that tag will never catch on it’s far too long

 **heavens2betsey:** ok let me live my life

 **turtle:** LMAO YES WHEN R U GOING TO FUCK GEORGE ANYWAY

 **heavens2betsey:** FUCK OR BE FUCKED

 **whambamthankuham:** UMM WE’RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER

 **whambamthankuham:** iM KIDDING I WAS WAITING TILL THE NEXT TIME EVERYONE WAS OUT OF OUR APARTMENT

 **heavens2betsey:** IN HIS OWN HOUSE

 **turtle:** IN HIS OWN HOUSE?!

 **heavens2betsey:** DAMN.

 **turtle:** HAVE U READ THIS SHIT?

 **heavens2betsey:** ALEXANDER HAMILTON HAD A TORRID AFFAIR

 **turtle:** AND HE WROTE IT RIGHT THERE!

 **heavens2betsey:** DAMNNNN

 **whambamthankuham:** i hate that y’all are so in sync that you accidentally spit verses just by speaking

 **heavens2betsey:** HAVE U READ THIS SHIT

 **turtle:** HAVE U EVER SEEN SOMEONE RUIN THEIR OWN LIFE

 **heavens2betsey:** hIS POOR WIFE

 **turtle:** (and husband)

 **heavens2betsey:** LMFAO REAL AS FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** delete

 **heavens2betsey:** im kidding me and john will have date night

 **turtle:** and then u n george can have date night too lmao

 **whambamthankuham:** honestly not sure what i’d do without you though

 **heavens2betsey:** we always have ur back

 **turtle:** and ur ass

 **heavens2betsey:** LMAO ME AS FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** just asking for a friend can i come over before u do this though i am A) bored and B) cold and all of our friends are asleep on my couch

 **turtle:** yes

 **turtle:** u know we’re sitting right next to u right

 **turtle:** just come home with us

 **heavens2betsey:** JUST ASKING NICELY

 **whambamthankuham:** ME

 **whambamthankuham:** do u want to go now

 **heavens2betsey:** YES

 **turtle:** ok everyone regroup on the sidewalk in five

 **heavens2betsey:** OK BYE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap might be a little confusing but have no fear my children because i am setting up future storylines so this fic can go in other directions besides sex and denny's! like every writer ever i have no idea what i'm doing but i'm figuring it out along the way i swear. also lmao i know george seems nice and pure right now but i absolutely promise you that he will be a Roast God within the next few chapters. also his "full title" wasn't actually that paragraph but i stole that off wikipedia bc i figured he should just be outlandish as fuck and this is a chat fic about the founding fathers so it's not exactly historically accurate. also im not really sure why rita ora keeps popping back up again i do not know her personally im just running in a million diff directions sorry. also i should be posting more often once i turn in my research project (it's about hamilton LMFAO) and take some exams! i love all of you and thank you for reading xoxo


	8. let's talk about sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with eliza, john, and ham headed home to chill. king george showed up, alex is thirsty, and no one is surprised. now everything gets gay, there are more than a few discussions about KG's dick, and peggy has a crush!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE. sorry i haven't been updating, my friend enj wasn't working on one of their assignments for school so to punish them i didn't put anything new out...this is all enj's fault go yell at them. um. ok while i was writing this chapter i was listening to a LOT of salt n pepa so it's slightly autobiographical :') AND I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO IN THE HEIGHTS SHOUT OUT TO U IF U SPOT THE REFS IN HERE! ALSO DOLLEY IS COMING IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!! this whole thing is a MESS im sO SORRY. thank u for ur comments imma try and get back with y'all ASAP! im so sorry that i haven't been active, college is kILLING MEEE but i have an exam tomorrow and then the rest of the day off so i might update again! enjoy and hmu if you see any inaccuracies ty!

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **turtle:** hello

 **whambamthankuham:** baby turn down ur phone brightness u r hurting me

 **turtle:** SRRY

 **turtle:** betsey where did u go

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah?? wya

 **turtle:** she probably went to get coffee

 **whambamthankuham:** mm

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** good morning my friends where the fuck is eliza

 **angel(ica):** YOU LOST HER??

 **lagayette:** YOU LOST THE ONLY ONE OF US WHO IS WORTH ANYTHING WHAT THE HELL

 **whambamthankuham:** first of all rude

 **whambamthankuham:** second of all?? idk  me n john woke up and she was GONE

 **whambamthankuham:** has she messaged any of u

 **whambamthankuham:** she’s not answering her texts

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH THE LONGER I TALK THE MORE CONCERNED I GET LOL SOMEONE ELSE SAY SOMETHING

 **angel(ica):** ur ugly

 **whambamthankuham:** fair

 **turtle:** WTF THEF UCK

 **turtle:** STOP FREAKING OUT

 **turtle:** EVERYTHING IS FINE

 **turtle:** ELIZA IS AN ADULT AND SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF

 **turtle:** i lied

 **turtle:** im scared

 **lagayette:** WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU

 **lagayette:** WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

 **h0rsefucker:** AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING

 **h0rsefucker:** sorry i don’t know what’s going on  lmao laf just asked me to finish it

 **whambamthankuham:** that was so ugly

 **h0rsefucker:** UR so ugly

 **turtle:** ENOUGH

 **angel(ica):** 1\. true lol ham’s hairline is disappearing quicker than polar ice caps 2. how the FUCK did you fuck up THIS BAD

 **turtle:** STOP

 **turtle** _has removed_ **angel(ica)** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** STOP THIS

 **whambamthankuham:** tbh im so,, offended

 **whambamthankuham:** fuckenigng rude

 **turtle:** shut up alex

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf THE FUCK

 **turtle:** go put pants on

 **turtle:** we’re finding eliza

-o-

 **turtle** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** so we can’t find eliza

 **margaritaville:** IM SORRY WTF

 **margaritaville:** U LOST A GROWN WOMAN

 **margaritaville:** UR BITCH ASS DONE FUCKED UP JOHN

 **angel(ica):** YO WE’RE ALL MAD BUT THERE’S NO NEED FOR GENDERED SLURS

 **margaritaville:** ok ur right. sry

 **margaritaville:** *UR MISERABLE DUMPSTER JUICE ASS DONE FUCKED UP JOHN

 **angel(ica):** yeah there we go

 **h0rsefucker:** OK BUT?? WHERE SHE GO

 **lagayette:** YEAH I DON’T GET THIS

 **theOGgeorge:** Hi what’s up

 **margaritaville:** HAM AND JOHN FUCKED EVERYONE WITH THE ENORMOUS DILDO OF LIFE THAT’S WHAT

 **angel(ica):** STOIJAISDFJAISDFJAIOJS

 **theOGgeorge:** ….I’m going back to sleep

 **lagayette:** ME

 **angel(ica):** it’s only been like 3 hours im sure she’ll turn up?

 **h0rsefucker:** it sounds like she’s a cat

 **whambamthankuham:** a cat would have left a dAMN NOTE

-o-

 **angel(ica):** ok it’s been like 8 hours…

 **margaritaville:** 9hr 23m

 **angel(ica):**?

 **margaritaville:** if eliza is dead im only gonna have u

 **margaritaville:** im worried

 **margaritaville:** i’ve been keeping track

 **margaritaville:** sue me

 **lagayette:** LORD

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** omg wtf the fuck

 **whambamthankuham:** oH MY FUCKNNIG GOD

 **turtle:** WHERE THE FUCK

 **margaritaville:** WHAT THE SHIT

 **heavens2betsey:** sorry omg i was asleep

 **turtle:** IT’S BEEN A DAY

 **turtle:** wELL

 **margaritaville:** 21hr 6m

 **turtle:** THANKS

 **whambamthankuham:** WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU??

 **heavens2betsey:** in the study?? what the hell

 **turtle:**...oh my God

 **whambamthankuham:** THE STUDY IS LITERALLY FULL OF GARBAGE ELIZA WHY

 **angel(ica):** please explain

 **heavens2betsey:** alexander n john have this closet in their apartment that is just big enough to fit like two people, laptops, and snacks

 **heavens2betsey:** so we called it the study bc the three of us would slide in there even though it’s really not big enough and cram for tests together

 **heavens2betsey:** but alexander is fucKING LAZY when he gets into a project and for like 5 months it was full of coffee cups and cheeto bags that he reFUSED to take out and me and john weren’t gonna do it

 **heavens2betsey:** and last night i had something i wanted to work on so i pulled an all nighter and cleaned out the study and then was up late writing

 **heavens2betsey:** and then i fell asleep

 **heavens2betsey:** and just woke up now

 **heavens2betsey:** why didn’t u guys look in there

 **whambamthankuham:** BC?? IT WAS FULL OF BIOHAZARD MATERIAL UNTIL LAST NGIHT APPARENTLY WHAT THE FCK

 **heavens2betsey:** well? oops :)

 **margaritaville:** WE LITERALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD??

 **heavens2betsey:** LOL U WILD, WYD THO….

 **turtle:** i can’t believe we were this stupid

 **whambamthankuham:** IT WAS WAIST HIGH IN FUCKING CHEEETO BAGS EXCUSE ME IF I DIDN’T WNAT TO OEPNE THE DOOR

 **heavens2betsey:** dDIDN’T YOU SEE THE CHEETOS BAGS INT EH TRASH

 **heavens2betsey:** THIS LITERALLY WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD CLEANED IT OUT HALF A YEAR AGO LIKE I ASKED

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH? I AM A DELICATE GENIUS? I DON’T NEED THIS CRITICISM

 **angel(ica):** im very kindly not interjecting with a mean joke here

 **whambamthankuham:** :)

 **theOGgeorge:** OK I’m back

 **theOGgeorge:** Let me get this straight

 **theOGgeorge:** Alex is literally so fucking filthy that he lost his own girlfriend in his garbage?

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH IF U KEEP THIS UP IM NOT BOTTOMING IF WE EVER GET TO BANG

 **whambamthankuham:** im kidding im still gonna bottom

 **whambamthankuham:** i’ve seen u in sweatpants im definitely bottoming

 **lagayette:** lMAO ME

 **margaritaville:** OK SAME

 **margaritaville:** I’VE SEEN THE MAN

 **margaritaville:** BOY GOT THE TRIPOD JUNK WALK

 **margaritaville:** THE YES-MY-SHOE-SIZE-IS-PROPORTIONATE WALK

 **angel(ica):** he got the “girl we gotta push back brunch im going for round 2” walk

 **lagayette:** the “daddy just might slip out of my mouth once he puts it in” walk

 **h0rsefucker:** got the “i said ‘yAS MORE’ and he aCTUALLY HAD MORE” walk

 **heavens2betsey:** can i do this

 **heavens2betsey:** im doing it

 **heavens2betsey:** he got the “i need mental preparation before he goes all the way” walk

 **theOGgeorge:** OHDIAFOJSDIFJAIDSJ

 **angel(ica):** AY BETSEY GET IT

 **whambamthankuham:** ENOGHUGHG

 **turtle:** i love this

 **turtle:** please drag alex to hell and back for being a thirsty bottom

 **whambamthankuham:** DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED JOHN LAURENS

 **margaritaville:** anyway

 **margaritaville:** he got the king kong walk

 **angel(ica):** LORD

 **horsefucker:** he got the hall of fame walk

 **lagayette:** he got the “hard limits are melting away as we speak” walk

 **heavens2betsey:** the “got me salivating every time i look down” walk

 **theOGgeorge:** PLEASE….

 **theOGgeorge:** I’M CRYING…

 **h0rsefucker:** the “buying magnums just in case” walk

 **heavens2betsey:** the “ain’t enough lube in the world” walk

 **h0rsefucker:** DEAD.

 **heavens2betsey:** the “8th wonder of the world” walk

 **lagayette:** the “packing a stretch limousine” walk

 **whambamthankuham:** stOOOOP

 **margaritaville:** as long as he keeps it clean ;)

 **lagayette:** FUCK

 **angel(ica):** the “moby DICK” walk

 **margaritaville:** he’s gonna be ur white whale alright

 **lagayette:** in conclusion your dick looks ENORMOUS

 **theOGgeorge:** UNBELIEVABLE.

 **whambamthankuham:** when all ur friends r speculating but ur the one who gets to go for a ride on the last train thru blue moon canyon

 **whambamthankuham** _has sent an image:_ **giddyonupgiddyonout.jpg**

 **turtle:** IM GOING TO PASS OUT

 **margaritaville:** fUCK

 **lagayette:** OH MY GOD

 **heavens2betsey:** FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** FUFCKAJSCJAID

 **angel(ica):** is blue moon canyon anal slang that i’ve never heard of

 **whambamthankuham:** no lmao it’s a reference to the hardy boys books

 **h0rsefucker:** I THOUGHT THAT SHIT SOUNDED FAMILIAR

 **h0rsefucker:** fUCK YOU ALEX IM WHEEZING

 **theOGgeorge:** Tbh that’s my job

 **turtle:** iM HOWLING

 **whambamthankuham:** hopefully i will be too

 **lagayette:** Y’ALL KEEP WALKING INTO THESE

 **h0rsefucker:** LORDDD

 **heavens2betsey:** im comin out my cage and im doin jus fine

 **whambamthankuham:** u have literally been asleep for 21 hours in a dirty trash closet u r not doin jus fine

 **heavens2betsey:** negativity all around me

 **heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **mmmblockinoutthh8rs.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey:** COMIN OUT MY CAGEEEE

 **heavens2betsey:** DOINNN JUS FINNNEEEE

 **heavens2betsey:** lol not really though

 **heavens2betsey:** my leg is asleep

 **heavens2betsey:** someone come get me out of the closet

 **turtle:** goddammit eliza

-o-

 _1 New Message from_ **alexander**

 **alexander:** hi

 **George:** Hello

 **alexander:** just asking for a friend

 **alexander:** do u want to come over tonight

 **alexander:** no one else is home

 **George:** Okay

 **George:** What time?

 **alexander:** i mean

 **alexander:** actually, now

 **alexander:** come now

 **George:** Okay!!

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** hi george is coming over can y’all clear out

 **heavens2betsey:** wow rude

 **heavens2betsey:** IM KIDDING YES

 **turtle:** fine

 **turtle:** i WAS going to make a grilled cheese but i GUESS

 **whambamthankuham:** :)))))

 **turtle:** eliza can we go see batman vs superman

 **heavens2betsey:** did u mean *wonder woman: dawn of slayage

 **turtle:** yes that’s exactly what i meant

 **turtle:** betsey can we go see wonder woman: dawn of slayage

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF LITERALLY DON’T GO WITHOUT ME

 **heavens2betsey:** yes! wear a big jacket so i can tape snacks to your chest

 **turtle:** ok

 **turtle:** wear that puffy skirt u have so we can tape stuff on ur thighs then

 **heavens2betsey:** i gotchu bby

 **heavens2betsey:** im waiting downstairs can u get my phone charger

 **turtle:** i already have it and ur earbuds too u left them on my side of the bed

 **heavens2betsey:** my life = SAVED my skin = CLEAR my bank account = FULL my crops = THRIVING my GPA = 4.0 SUDDENLY

 **heavens2betsey:** bless ur heart

 **whambamthankuham:** R U SERIOUSLY GOING TO SEE WW DAWN OF SLAYAGE W.O ME WOW FUCK Y’ALL

 **heavens2betsey:** ur getting laid IN OUR BED

 **heavens2betsey:** this is only fair

 **turtle:** in his own house

 **heavens2betsey:** IN HIS OWN HOUSE

 **turtle:** DAMN.

 **whambamthankuham:** oh God not this again

 **heavens2betsey:** alexander hamilton had a torrid affair

 **turtle:** and he wrote it right there ^^^

 **heavens2betsey:** HIGHLIGHTSSSS

 **whambamthankuham:** wow r these new verses?

 **turtle:** the charges placed on him were those of unlawful speculation with a mr. king george

 **heavens2betsey:** HIS REAL CRIME WAS AN AMOROUS CONNECTION WITH THE SAME MAN, FOR A REASONABLE TIME, WITH OUR KNOWING CONSENT

 **turtle:** mrs. schuyler and her boyfriend being absent on a visit to the theater

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF SHE’S NOT EVEN MRS. HAMILTON?? Y’ALL TRYNA WRITE ME OUT OF THIS STORY COMPLETELY

 **heavens2betsey:** IN HIS OWN HOUSE

 **turtle:** IN HIS OWN HOUSE

 **heavens2betsey:** D A M N.

 **turtle:** HAVE U READ THIS?!

 **heavens2betsey:** WELL HE NEVER GON BE PRESIDENT NOW

 **turtle:** never gon be president now

 **whambamthankuham:** WHEN DID THIS TURN INTO A COMMENTARY ON MY FUTURE CAREER FUCK Y’ALL

 **turtle:** the problem is that ur NOT fucking us

 **heavens2betsey:** LMAO

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT’S ONE LESS THING 2 WORRY ABOUTTTT

 **turtle:** 1 less thing 2 worry aboutttttt

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** ANGELICA

 **heavens2betsey:** SPIT A VERSE

 **turtle:** ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON? DAMN.

 **whambamthankuham:** ANGELICA FINALLY SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT IM STRUGGLING HERE TO DO

 **angel(ica):** ….im not here for you.

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF THE FUCK

 **angel(ica):** y’all ready lmao

 **turtle:** LAY IT ON US

 **angel(ica):** i know my sister like i know my own mind you'll never find anyone as trusting or as kind i love my sister more than anything in this life i will put her happiness over mine every time

 **angel(ica):** put what we had aside

 **angel(ica):** im standing at her side

 **angel(ica):** you can never be satisfied

 **angel(ica):** GOD, i hope you’re satisfied.

 **turtle:** OOOOH

 **heavens2betsey:** tbH THE RHYMES WERE SO SOLID

 **turtle:** DAMNNNNN

 **angel(ica):** someone show ham to the scalp care department cause a bitch just exposed his goddamn weave

 **whambamthankuham:** I HATE THIS

 **angel(ica):** im out

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** LIFE

 **turtle:** ok we’re leaving now

 **turtle:** love you!!

 **heavens2betsey:** love you!

 **whambamthankuham:** if u spoil dawn of slayage u ded 2 me

 **heavens2betsey:** ;)

 **turtle:** we ride @ midnight, manhattan in the distance

 **heavens2betsey:** meanwhile ham is in dire need of assistance

 **whambamthankuham:** STOP

 **heavensbetsey:** PEACE OUT

-o-

 _New Messages from:_ **George (the dick one not the boss)**

 **George (the dick one not the boss):** Hello

 **George (the dick one not the boss):** I am downstairs

 **A . Ham:** HELLO PLEASE COME UP

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **margaritaville** _has added_ **turtle** _to the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **margaritaville:** hello my friends

 **margaritaville:** so can we

 **margaritaville:** Chat

 **angel(ica):** hi

 **angel(ica):** i think ellie n john r still in ww dawn of slayage

 **margaritaville:** dawn of slayGAYage

 **angel(ica):** ok me

 **angel(ica):** what’s going on

 **margaritaville:** im emo

 **margaritaville:** I MEAN

 **margaritaville:** WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH

 **margaritaville:** EW NASTY

 **angel(ica):** WHO ARE THEY

 **margaritaville:** ok laf told me about this coffee shop (libertea omg isn’t that fucking cute)  they’ve been going to so i went in and? dollEY WORKS THERE

 **margaritaville:** and she’s RLLY CUTE DID I SAY THAT

 **angel(ica):** omg omG OMG

 **angel(ica):** i didn’t know dolley worked there? i didn’t even know dolley was in town

 **margaritaville:** SHE IS

 **margaritaville:** SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL

 **margaritaville:** AND SHE WAS WEARING A GHIBLI SHIRT

 **margaritaville:** AND STANDING IN A CLOUD OF STEAM FROM THE CAPPUCINO MACHINE AND AJADJIJF

 **margaritaville:** SHE HAS RLLY SHORT PINK HAIR NOW

 **margaritaville:** ANDKSJDIFJASDIJF IM GAY??!?!

 **margaritaville:** she might be an angel

 **margaritaville:** im very serious

 **angel(ica):** oh my GOD

 **angel(ica):** that’s gay lmao ask her out

 **margaritaville:** or i could NOT

 **margaritaville:** that’s HORRIFYiNG

 **margaritaville:** whAT IS ROMANCE/?  AND WHAT IS LIFE

 **angel(ica):** get it together u gay lil hoe

 **margaritaville:** ok ur right sorry

 **margaritaville:** i haven’t seen her since like. last summer but i watch her snapchats all the time

 **margaritaville:** I Am An Emo

 **angel(ica):** OMG BBY IT’S OK!!!

 **angel(ica):** u should go back tomorrow and talk to her

 **margaritaville:** :’’’’’’’’’’’)

 **margaritaville:** u know what would be a fun prank lol

 **margaritaville:** if u came with me for moral support haha

 **angel(ica):** lmao ok

 **angel(ica):** haha emotional intimacy hHAHA punk’d

 **margaritaville:** LOL

-o-

 **whambamthankuham:** omg… y’all…

 **heavens2betsey:** waz good babycakes

 **whambamthankuham:** GEORGE’S DICK IS SO BIG

 **turtle:** OH MY GOD

 **whambamthankuham:** YESSSS

 **whambamthankuham:** h E ASKED ME IF I WAS BUSY THE NEXT DAY AND I SAID NO WHY AND HE SAID BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE WALKING ANYWHERE FOR A WHILE IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT AND I THINK I PASSED OUT AFTER THAT

 **heavens2betsey:** YGULRYGUHNIJMK

 **turtle:** OIDJFIAOJSDIOJ

 **turtle:** HOISAJDFIOJASIODFJ

 **turtle:** IODJFOAIFJIO

 **turtle:** IM JUST SAYIN IF U REALLY LOVED ME U WOULD SHARE HIM

 **whambamthankuham:** HA

 **whambamthankuham:** IM CRYING

 **whambamthankuham:** IMMMMM

 **whambamthankuham:** I WANNA KEEP HIM

 **heavens2betsey:** john is he allowed to have an extra boyfriend

 **turtle:** no lmao don’t get greedy u feel

 **heavens2betsey:** that’s what i was thinking

 **whambamthankuham:** WT F WHY R U TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE IM NOT HERE I SHOUDL GET A SAY IN THIS

 **heavens2betsey:** anyways

 **turtle:** tbh i’ll have to examine the situation at a later date when im not fucking tired

 **turtle:** anyway can we talk abt what’s happening right now because?

 **turtle:** why are u listening to salt n pepa so loud it’s 6 AM

 **heavens2betsey:** none of ya business

 **turtle:** that was rude

 **heavens2betsey:** no i mean im listening to ‘none of your business’ right now

 **heavens2betsey:** come listen to it with me

 **turtle:** IT’S ON SUPER LOUD I CAN HEAR IT

 **heavens2betsey:** WHATEVER

 **heavens2betsey:** UR IN MY APARTMENT THESE R MY RULES

 **heavens2betsey:** IM TRYING TO WRITE SOMETHING

 **whambamthankuham:** tbh as soon as i thought about u being an author i got really turned on what are u writing

 **heavens2betsey:** OIDJOFAJDIF

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s a secret but OHMYG OD

 **turtle:** BETSEY I CAN  T BELIVE U JUST CHANGED THE SONG TO ‘LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX’

 **heavens2betsey:** let’s talk about sex baby let’s talk about u and me

 **heavens2betsey:** what im saying right now is let’s have sex

 **turtle:** i thought u were writing

 **turtle:** I Can’t Believe I Have To Be The Responsible One Here

 **heavens2betsey:** let’s talk aboooouuuuttt seexxxxx

 **turtle:** it’s literally so early im going to kill you

 **heavens2betsey:** please unlock the bedroom door

 **turtle:** NO

 **turtle:** suffer the consequences for waking me up early

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF DON’T HAVE SEX WITHOUT ME?? GEORGE IS STILL HERE

 **turtle:** why r u searching for a dicking down every waking moment like how u gonna leave our place after getting dick and come here for mine

 **whambamthankuham:** oh fuck off

 **heavens2betsey:** angel ur alarm was set for 6:05 i didn’t wake u up THAT early

 **turtle:** I COULD HAVE DONE SOOO MUCH WITH THOSE FIVE MINUTES AKA I COULD HAVE FINISHED MY DREAM ABOUT BEING A MARINE BIOLOGIST

 **turtle:** it’s 6:06 now

 **turtle:** FUCK Y’ALL

 **heavens2betsey:** that’s literally the point

 **turtle:** ELIZA STOP REPLAYING THE BEGINNING OF LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

 **heavens2betsey:** BABY LET’S TALK ABOUT ITTTTT

 **turtle:** FUCK OFF

 **heavens2betsey:** PLSSSS

 **heavens2betsey:** UR IN MY BED IN MY APARTMENT DENYING ME MY GIRLFRIEND PRIVILEGES

 **turtle:** DID U JUST FUCKING SHOVE UR PHONE UNDER THE DOOR

 **turtle:** GOD THE SPEAKERS ON THAT THING ARE SO FUCKING LOUD

 **turtle:** FINE IM GETTING UP

 **heavens2betsey:** YASSSS

 **whambamthankuham:** yas get it betsey  
**heavens2betsey:** IM GONNA

 **turtle:** WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING PANTS

 **heavens2betsey:**?? im prEPARED

 **heavens2betsey:** TIME IS MONEY AND IM NOT RICH I AIN’T ABOUT TO WASTE IT

 **turtle:** GOD I HATE U

 **heavens2betsey:** TBH?? I SHAVED MY LEGS LIKE 2 DAYS AGO U SHOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT I PUT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP

 **turtle:** FINE LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

 **heavens2betsey:** YASSSSSS

 **whambamthankuham:** on my own, pretending he’s besideeee meee

 **whambamthankuham:** JK HE’S ACTUALLY BESIDE ME AND IM GETTING DICK AGAIN LOL

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** OK I KNOW WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT SEX IN HERE BUT OH MY GOD

 **margaritaville:** ….if you already know then stop talking right now…

 **heavens2betsey:** OK ME ANDD JOHN WERE IN BED TODAY AND JOHn SAT UP SO FAST HE HIT ME IN THE FOREHEAD AND SAID “holy shit are baby carrots just mutilated adult carrots”

 **heavens2betsey:** I LITERALLY HAVE A BRUISE ON MY FACE FROM WHERE HE KNOCKED INTO ME

 **whambamthankuham:** IM SO SAD THAT I MISSED THIS

 **margaritaville:** OmG OK NVM THAT WAS A GOOD STORY

 **turtle:** LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHY IM BEING BULLIED FOR THIS

 **turtle:** ELIZA IS THE ONE WHO PLAYED SALT N PEPA’S ‘GITTY UP’ IN THE MIDDLE OF IT SO LEAVE ME ALONE??

 **angel(ica):** STOJSEIFOJASDIO

 **angel(ica):** I FUCKING HATE THIS FAMILY

 **lagayette:** eliza is me

 **h0rsefucker:** legit

 **h0rsefucker:** laf only plays gitty up and pony if they bottom

 **lagayette:** i figured u’d appreciate it since u fuck horses

 **h0rsefucker** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** mfuccKK

 **margaritaville:** JODIFJASDIOJIOJACJSODIJA

 **heavens2betsey:** ok isn’t gitty up classic tho

 **lagayette:** HONESTLY

 **angel(ica):** if we’re talking s n p i gotta say ‘you showed me’ tho

 **angel(ica):** remember when i got that rib tattoo that says ‘i play like a rose but i live like a thorn’

 **angel(ica):** it’s not a good sex song but i still live by that line

 **heavens2betsey:** OK THAT’S FAIR

 **margaritaville:** i wish u would all go to church

 **margaritaville:** boy toy is life

 **lagayette:** NAH IF IM RIDING A DICK IT’S GOTTA BE GITTY UP OTHERWISE IT’S A MISSED OPPORTUNITY

 **margaritaville:** OK WE’RE BREAKING UP

 **angel(ica):** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

 **lagayette:** ok but just listen to gitty up

 **margaritaville:** I HAVE AND I LIKE BOY TOY BETTER

 **lagayette:** FUCK U

 **margaritaville:** tHAT’S THE POINT

 **whambamthankuham:** im cYRHIGN

 **turtle:** life imitates art betsey

 **margaritaville:**??

 **heavens2betsey:** i literally said that exact same thing this morning to john

 **angel(ica):** TBH YOU ARE ALL DISGSUTING AND HORRIBEL

 **margaritaville:** IM WHEEZIZNGIN

 **turtle:** i’d just like to say that you SUCK because i forgot my lucnh

 **turtle:** i made myself a PANINI

 **turtle:** and i FORGOT IT

 **heavens2betsey:** SORRRYYYYY

 **heavens2betsey:** IIIIIIIIIIII LOVE UUUUUU

 **turtle:** honestly?? i love you too?? but ur toxic

 **heavens2betsey:** IM? TOXIC

 **heavens2betsey:** i swear to GOd

 **heavens2betsey:** U ABOUT TO GET UR ASS DRAGGED LIKE A PLOW THROUGH A CORNFIELD M8

 **turtle:** changed my mind gtg lmao

 **whambamthankuham:** IDJFOAFIJ

 **whambamthankuham:** me

 **angel(ica):** john r u @ gwash’s office today

 **turtle:** ye

 **angel(ica):** if ellie can’t i can go get ur panini and bring it to u at work

 **turtle:** MMMMMMMMYAAAAAAS

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf bring me lunch too

 **angel(ica):** IM NOT HERE FOR U

 **turtle:** DAMN

 **whambamthankuham:** STOP

 **angel(ica):** ok ur right i already snatched u once i’ll let u rest

 **whambamthankuham:** LOL SOMEONE TELL GW IMMA BE LATE BC OF THE OTHER GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** LMAO

 **angel(ica):** y’all gays r out of control

 **angel(ica):** omw

-o-

 **angel(ica):** JOHN I HAVE UR PANINI CAN I COME INSIDE UR OFFICE

 **turtle:** yah but tjeff is in here bothering me and alex’s hoe asses so just beware

-o-

 **angel(ica):** y’all….um…..

 **angel(ica):** so….  i’ve met thomas jefferson before….

 **whambamthankuham:** did you say something to him at that office party?? i THOUGHT he was sweating a lot today

 **whambamthankuham** _has added_ **grgwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** SIR HAS ANGELICA MET THE DEVIL BEFORE

 **grgwshngturnt:** Yes? I thought that she was already friends with you.

 **whambamthankuham:** TBH WTF

 **margaritaville:** MY MAN GW COMIN IN HOT

 **grgwshngturnt:** ;)

 **angel(ica):** no um

 **angel(ica):** i

 **angel(ica):** remember when i said i’d gotten really good head in france that weekend

 **heavens2betsey:** no

 **turtle:** NO

 **turtle** _has added_ **h0rsefucker** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** NO

 **h0rsefucker:** what r we saying no about?

 **lagayette:** ANGLEIADJAIOSJDCIOA H

 **margaritaville:**...no...oh my Lord

 **grgwshngturnt:** NO.

 **angel(ica):**...yes….

 **angel(ica):** i didn’t know his face but

 **angel(ica):** i’d know that VOICE anywhere

 **lagayette:** OMG

 **lagayette:** ANGLEICA CAN WE GET MATCHING T SHIRTS

 **grgwshngturnt:** Oh my God.

 **grgwshngturnt:** Alexander just passed out…

 **heavens2betsey:** FGYHUNOJIMK

 **turtle:** JESUS TAP DANCING TITTY H. CHRIST

 **heavens2betsey:** OIDHFAIOJDF

 **lagayette:** this is?? onarchy

 **lagayette:** shit how u say

 **lagayette:** ANARCHY

 **h0rsefucker:** well done babe

 **lagayette:** thank u :D

 **heavens2betsey:** OIDJFAIJFDSIFJS

 **margaritaville:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

 **margaritaville:** IM GONNA PASS OUT

 **angel(ica):** you guys….im….

 **angel(ica):** who am i now……

 **heavens2betsey:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **angel(ica):** i gotta go

 **lagayette:** (gotta go my own wayyy)

 **angel(ica):** NOW IS NOT THE TIME

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **margaritaville:** my life is a lie

 **margaritaville:** i can’t believe this

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** thomas….

 **callmemacaroni:** what’d i miss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMFAO THE CONVO ABOUT GEORGE'S DICK IS LOOSELY BASED OFF A REAL CONVO I'VE HAD WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS ABOUT DAVEED RIP. how many of u called that angelica/tjeff tho . btw i changed my twitter! i am now at twitter.com/jamesmadisin. thank u for reading xoxo hopefully we'll see each other again soon.


	9. warm disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with angelica discovering she'd slept with thomas jefferson, and alex finally getting to ride king george into the sunset. now everyone is gay for aaron tveit and vanessa hudgens, peggy still has a crush, eliza really needs to stop throwing sleepovers, and hamilton is being problematic (as always). also, thomas jefferson might be a vape god (and james madison might be a little done).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI omg it's been a while! this chapter has not been read by anyone else besides me so it's a bit of a mess. hit me up if you spot any errors. thank you, as always, for your sweet comments. i read every one of them even if i don't reply and i am so grateful. THANK YOU FOR THE ANONS ON TUMBLR AS WELL! since so many of you have been hitting me up on tumblr i just want to say that if you have any writing prompts (for hamilton or any other fandom that im in) you should drop them in my askbox! i do actually write things other than chat fic lmao and i am in need of inspiration. also, alohomoralarry commented asking if anyone was gonna write alexander/george for real. i am working on writing that rn actually but omg i'd love to see what other people come up with too! hmu on twitter/tumblr if you have any questions or suggestions for that. lastly, i apologize for the disaster that is king george's character... he's more like groff is irl than anything else. sorry not sorry.

**heavens2betsey:** hi

 **callmemacaroni:** hi

 **callmemacaroni:** what’s up

 **heavens2betsey:** can we talk about um

 **margaritaville:** HOW U GAVE ANGELICA THE BEST HEAD OF HER LIFE APPARENTLY

 **margaritaville:** can we also talk about why la vie en rose is your sex song LMAO

 **callmemacaroni:** ….Lord

 **lagayette:** HI THOMAS IS IT COOL WITH U IF ME AND ANGEL GET MATCHING T SHIRTS SAYING THAT WE GOT JEFFERSON’D

 **callmemacaroni:** LMAO YES THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT THE FUFKVCC

 **h0rsefucker:** HOLY SHIT IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

 **callmemacaroni:** ;) ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ;;;;;))))

 **h0rsefucker:** maybe there’s a reason that laf only fucked you once

 **lagayette:** how u say

 **lagayette:** YIKES YIKES YIKES!

 **callmemacaroni:** tbh? unnecessary

 **h0rsefucker:** lol didn’t realize we were still talking about u? :)

 **callmemacaroni:** WHAT THE HELL

 **callmemacaroni:** LIKE THIS WHOLE TIME I HAVEN’T BEEN WAITING FOR THEM TO COME BACK TO ME WHEN THEY GET TIRED OF YOUR WEAK ASS BABY CARROT DICK GAME

 **heavens2betsey:** i can hear herc rubbing his roast hands together

 **h0rsefucker:** yo my ass been on pause this whole damn time but imma press play in a fucking millisecond if you act up again boy

 **callmemacaroni:** T R Y  I T FUCK WITH ME IF U WANT TO

 **h0rsefucker:** iM SORRY DID YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME

 **h0rsefucker:** THEY HAVE NOT COME BACK TO YOU SWEETIE BECAUSE THIS DICK IS LIKE THE HIT CW SHOW SUPERNATURAL IT AIN’T NEVER GONNA STOP

 **lagayette:** I JUST SCREAMED

 **turtle:** what the fuck did i come back to

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **kermitinflames.jpg**

 **callmemacaroni:** STOP OH MY GOD

 **h0rsefucker:** MOSTLY?

 **h0rsefucker:** TAKE YOUR ADAM SANDLER LOOKIN ASS OUTSIDE AND FUCK ON OUTTA HERE

 **callmemacaroni:** PLEASE SOTPASIJDOIJAFJDAIOSJC

 **callmemacaroni:** IM? JUST FUCKING SITTING HERE WHAT THE FUCK

 **h0rsefucker:** y’all hear this shit

 **h0rsefucker:** ‘just sitting here’ like your existence isn’t enough of a test

 **h0rsefucker:** like imma fuck with that

 **h0rsefucker:** ya dick game weaker than a salsa at taco cabana, ya skin bumpier than an oklahoma freeway, ya ass flatter than a board

 **h0rsefucker:** not even worth my damn time

 **h0rsefucker:** i’ll tell you one thing though i will give you a present if you try that again and it’s gonna be a BRAND NEW ASSHOLE get ready for motherfucking CHRISTMAS MORNING

 **margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **LordHelpThisChild.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey:** FUJDIOJACSIJAOIND

 **lagayette:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **lagayette:** PLEA SE

 **lagayette:** STOP

 **lagayette:** OH MY GOD

 **lagayette:** WHER E IS YOUR CHILL

 **h0rsefucker:** anyway

 **h0rsefucker:** im on pause

 **theOGgeorge:** Hercules is my new god

 **h0rsefucker:** love my fans <3

 **callmemacaroni:** lmao tell angelica i said hi ;) im out

 **margaritaville:** boy

 **margaritaville:** BOY

 **margaritaville:** bOY I AM ON YOUR ASS LIKE THE  PLAQUE ON THOSE JANKY CROOKED UNDERFUNDED CEMETERY TEETH

 **heavens2betsey:** an elaborate drag but u made it work

 **margaritaville:** DO NOT SHAKE ME IF YOU AIN’T READY TO BE SHOOK BACK

 **margaritaville:** MMMMM BUILD A BRIDGE SO YOU CAN GET OVER YOURSELF BEFORE I RUIN YOUR MESSY BOWLEGGED RATCHET ASHY KNEED ASS!! I WILL SNATCH THAT BRILLO PAD WEAVE CLEAN OFF YOUR SHRUNKEN SCALP YOU FUCKING FOOL

 **callmemacaroni** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette:** OH MY GOD

 **lagayette:** WHAT IS THIS

 **turtle:** alex is going to be so sad that he missed this

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy can we please get friendship bracelets

 **margaritaville:** ofc!! <3

 **heavens2betsey:** LMAO YOUR PETTY ASS GOES FROM ROAST TO BABY ANGEL REAL QUICK

 **margaritaville:** i am ALWAYS an angel

 **lagayette:** so was lucifer

 **margaritaville:** sweaty

 **lagayette:** shh u know ilySM

 **h0rsefucker:** tbh? that was wild as FJUCK i wanna marry peggy

 **h0rsefucker:** im super gay but can we get friend married

 **margaritaville:** i might be a lil aromantic maybe but yes

 **whambamthankuham:** IM ALIVE

 **whambamthankuham:** I AM SO HAPPY

 **whambamthankuham:** I GENUINELY TEARED UP READING THAT

 **whambamthankuham:** I FEEL WARM INSIDE

 **whambamthankuham:** IM BLESSED

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCK IT UPPP

 **whambamthankuham:** MY LIFE IS COMPLETE

 **grgwshngturnt:** Oh my God……

 **grgwshngturnt:** I can’t believe this.

 **grgwshngturnt:** You took a shit on his ENTIRE LIFE and I respect that SO MUCH DOISJAFSIODJF IO GTG GTG GTG

 **grgwshngturnt** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** TFUGYHINJMKL

 **lagayette:** IM IN TEARS

 **lagayette:** IM SENDING THESE SCREENSHOTS TO ANGELICA IMMEDIATELY

 **heavens2betsey:** GOD BLESS AMERICA

 **margaritaville:** my favorite alex meme is the fact that he can’t stop melodramatically fainting like boy that is so damn gay

 **whambamthankuham:** please leave me alone

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **angel**

 **angel:** SLAYED

 **Peggy:** always gotcha back sis

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **angel**

 **angel:** SNATCH THA WEAVE

 **herc:** weave. snatched.

 **angel:** LIFE

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **baby doll(ey)**

 **baby doll(ey):** HI PEGGY IT’S DOLLEY MY SHIFT ENDS EARLY TODAY WANNA HANG OUT?

 **Peggy:** YES!!

 **baby doll(ey):** COME BY LIBERTEA TODAY AND WE CAN LEAVE TOGETHER

 **Peggy:** OK!!!!

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** dudes

 **margaritaville:** im gay

 **turtle:** yo me too

 **angel(ica):** ^^^

 **whambamthankuham:** ^

 **theOGgeorge:** ^

 **heavens2betsey:** ^

 **h0rsefucker:** ^

 **lagayette:** ^

 **theOGgeorge:** why tho

 **margaritaville:** nice use of lowercase, very casual

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m working on it

 **margaritaville:** ME AND THIS GIRL DOLLEY ARE HANGING OUT LATER TODAY SO. IM HYPE AND ALSO GAY

 **heavens2betsey:** YASSSSS

 **heavens2betsey:** DOLLEY IS LIFE

 **theOGgeorge:** When you missed all the action by living in Britain for half your life and now you’re struggling

 **whambamthankuham:** RIP

 **margaritaville:** you know what we should do

 **margaritaville:**  take george out and assimilate him

 **whambamthankuham:** :D

 **margaritaville:** not tonight tho i’ll kill you all if u go without me

 **angel(ica):** WTF CHILL

 **theOGgeorge:** Peggy is me

 **angel(ica):** OK true unnecessary death threats are exactly ur style

 **heavens2betsey:** im making pasta tonight do u guys wanna come over?

 **margaritaville:** tbh? rude

 **lagayette:** LIFE

 **h0rsefucker:** what kind of pasta

 **heavens2betsey:** alfredo

 **h0rsefucker:** FUCK ME UP

 **h0rsefucker:** COULDN’T KEEP ME AWAY

 **turtle:** i wanna come

 **heavens2betsey:** ur literally on my couch rn u bum im looking at you from the kitchen

 **turtle:** LMAO SAME

 **whambamthankuham:** I WANNA COME

 **heavens2betsey:** WHT TEH FUCK UR ACTUALLY STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME

 **lagayette:** y’all are a

 **lagayette:** how u say?

 **lagayette:** warm disaster

 **theOGgeorge:** Did you mean “hot mess”?

 **lagayette:** OUI

 **h0rsefucker:** IM SCRYA8DHGNAIDOFNAIO

 **h0rsefucker:** TAG URSELF IM WARM DISASTER

 **margaritaville** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘warm disasters’**

 **lagayette:** STOOOP

 **turtle:** IM GRACDHASUDHCNAIOSDCAS

 **turtle:** OIDJFAIOJDIOASJCIOAJ

 **turtle:** JOIIDJAIODJFIOJ

 **turtle:** THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY

 **lagayette:** LOOK IM JUUST A KID TRYNA HACK IT

 **whambamthankuham:** jNNFSDSKJAL

 **whambamthankuham:** my fAVORTIE LAF MEME IS WHGEN TEHY USE OUTDATED COLLOQUIALISMS BC THEY LEARNED ENGLISH BY WATCHING 80S MOVIES

 **lagayette:** WHATEVER IM GAY AND I DON’T NEED THIS

 **margaritaville:** and in that moment, i swear we were all warm disasters

 **lagayette:** God peggy i fuckin g ha TE you

 **heavens2betsey:** proud 2 be a warm disaster

 **angel(ica):** let’s all get matching hats that say “warm disaster” across the front

 **theOGgeorge:** I love that you said “y’all” but also used “hot mess” incorrectly

 **theOGgeorge:** You tried, but also you FAILED MASSIVELY

 **lagayette:** jefferson be like “bonjour y’all” tryna fit his francophile ass in with me

 **whambamthankuham:** OH SHIT

 **heavens2betsey:** YIKEK SK S DIFAJD

 **h0rsefucker:** TBH DEAD

 **theOGgeorge:** A miraculous recovery

 **margaritaville:** BEAUTIFUL

 **turtle:** im gay

 **whambamthankuham:** thanks for the bulletin

 **turtle:** NO I MEAN IM GAY FOR A REASON SORRY I SENT THAT BEFORE I COULD FINISH IT

 **turtle:** THEY PUT GREASE LIVE ON NETFLIX

 **heavens2betsey:** JUST KIDDING IM NOT MAKING DINNER WE’RE WATCHING THIS RIGH TNOW

 **angel(ica):** i’d eat ass for tveit

 **heavens2betsey:** like you don’t already

 **angel(ica):** PLEASE

 **lagayette:** i’d do anything for aaron tveit

 **margaritaville:** ok but vanessa hudgens as rizzo though

 **margaritaville:** Noah Fence but i’d take a bullet for her

 **theOGgeorge:** Not to be gay, but I always thought Rizzo and Frenchy were dating

 **whambamthankuham:** thEY ARE AND ALSO KENICKIE AND DANNY HAVE FUCKED IN THEIR CAR

 **whambamthankuham:** RIZZO AND FRENCHY AND KENICKIE AND DANNY ALL PRETEND TO DATE EACH OTHER SO THEY CAN PASS AS STRAIGHT BUT WHEN THEY GO UP TO LOOKOUT POINT THEY DO A CHINESE FIRE DRILL AND GET GAY

 **whambamthankuham:** ALSO FRENCHY IS ASEXUAL I DON’T MAKE THE RULES BUT I MUST ENFORCE THEM

 **turtle:** RIZZO AND KENICKIE ARE BI

 **margaritaville:** DANNY IS NOT CIS

 **margaritaville:** THE LAW IS HARD BUT IT IS THE LAW AND THE CIS CANNOT HAVE MY SON DANNY

 **lagayette:** i’ve never seen grease

 **heavens2betsey:** HWATH E FHTEUFKC

 **heavens2betsey:** COME OVER IMMEDITATLELEY

 **h0rsefucker:** Noah Fence but sandy is a lesbian and doesn’t actually fuck with danny

 **whambamthankuham:** how mANY BEARDS DOES DANNY HAVE

 **h0rsefucker:** HE HAS ALL OF THEM

 **angel(ica):** NOAH FENCE BUT JAN IS ARO  AND TOO GOOD FOR EVERYONE

 **h0rsefucker:** ALSO NOAH FENCE BUT CHA CHA IS PAN AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE CAN TUCK A NAPKIN INTO THEIR COLLAR AND EAT MY WHOLE GODDAMN ASS!

 **turtle:** ^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** GODDDD CHA CHA

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCK WHEN AARON HUMPS CHA CHA I SWEAR MY WATER BREAKS

 **heavens2betsey:** HONESTLY? ME

 **whambamthankuham:** I CAN’T BELIVE HOW GAY I AM FOR THIS SHOW

 **heavens2betsey:** everyone come over ASAP

 **margaritaville:** wait can i bring dolley?

 **heavens2betsey:** ABSOLUTELY

 **margaritaville:** YAAAAAAAS

 **heavens2betsey** _has changed the group name to:_ **'hamsquad'**

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **pegleg**

 **pegleg:** hi how do u feel about grease

 **dolley:** LOVE IT

 **pegleg:** did u see grease live

 **dolley:** I MISSED HALF OF IT CAUSE OF WORK :/

 **pegleg:** wanna come over and watch it with me and my family

 **dolley:** YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS

 **dolley:** just u and angelica and eliza right?

 **pegleg:** by family i mean laf n herc n hamilton n laurens n hamilton’s side hoe george too

 **dolley:** DAMN OK

 **dolley:** IM STILL IN THO

 **dolley:** LMAO HAM INVITES HIS SIDE HOE TO THE SAME PARTY AS HIS PARTNERS???

 **pegleg:** LMAO YAS THE SIDE HOE WAS ACTUALLY ELIZA  AND JOHN’S IDEA

 **dolley:** WTF RELATIONSHIP GOALS LMAO WHAT THE HELL

 **pegleg:** SAMEEEE

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** bruhhhhhhh

 **heavens2betsey:** can we talk about how cute dolley is

 **margaritaville:** I KNOW

 **angel(ica):** stop typing ur being obvious

 **whambamthankuham:** DATE HER

 **margaritaville:** IM TRYIN

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **heavens2betsey:** dolley has been approved

 **angel(ica):** **✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓**

 **margaritaville:** THX

 **margaritaville:** I AM JUST A SIMPLE EGG

 **margaritaville:** BUT SHE IS VERY CUTE

 **angel(ica):** TRUUU

 **heavens2betsey:** OK but u know what we haven’t done this year

 **angel(ica):** I KNOW

 **angel(ica):** WE HAVEN’T PLANNED OUR ANNUAL FAMILY TRIP

 **margaritaville:** OMG I FORGOT I HATE MYSELF

 **margaritaville:** are we gonna bring everyone with us or is it just gonna be the three of us

 **heavens2betsey:** it used to be just us cause that WAS our family

 **heavens2betsey:** what if we have two trips this year

 **heavens2betsey:** we can bring our extended squad family on one and then the three of us will go on another one on the last week of summer or during winter break??

 **margaritaville:** approved

 **angel(ica):** approved

 **margaritaville:** ok but where do we go with the squad

 **heavens2betsey:** what if we could get lafayette to let us stay with their parents in france

 **angel(ica):** OMG IM LIVING

 **angel(ica):** that would be so cool wtf

 **margaritaville:** genius

 **angel(ica):** motion to pause this conversation, im super tired and would like to fall asleep on eliza’s couch in peace

 **heavens2betsey:** y'all can't keep sleeping over here my couch is getting dented

 **margaritaville:** eliza overruled, motion accepted

 **angel(ica):** goodnight love u

 **margaritaville:** ok

 **angel(ica):** i SAID love u

 **margaritaville:** and i said ok

 **heavens2betsey:** stop being ugly peggy

 **heavens2betsey:** i love u angelica and i love u peggy but ur not allowed to be related to me anymore if u don't go pick up something for breakfast tomorrow im not cooking do u understand me

 **margaritaville:** IM NOT UGLY

 **heavens2betsey:** IM SORRY THAT WAS MEAN U ARE SOOO GORGEOUS but also dead to me if u don't do as i say

 **margaritaville:** WTF FINE I LOVE U BOTH GN

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** good morning tell everyone to leave immediately so we can have sex

 **turtle:** U NEVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT SEX

 **heavens2betsey:** weLL U GOT RIGHT TO IT

 **whambamthankuham:** listen my guy,,, my buddy,,,, my bro man,,,, first of all wanna let me make my own lifestyle choices?? second of all wanna,,, fuck right off???

 **turtle:** ok my pal then im rescinding the offer of a morning handjob because ur so rude lol played yaself

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** ur not getting the handjob srry i let george and peggy and i think dolley sleep in my bed

 **whambamthankuham:** STOP THROWING SLEEPOVERS I HAVE NEEDS

 **heavens2betsey:** when am i not attending to ur needs

 **turtle:** ^ when have we ever neglected u

 **whambamthankuham:** LOOK

 **whambamthankuham:** IM

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCK OFF

 **turtle:** LOL P L A Y E D Y A S E L F

 **whambamthankuham:** betsey where r u sleeping then at least come cuddle me

 **heavens2betsey:** floor behind couch

 **whanbamthankuham:** WTF U LET ME AND JOHN HAVE THE AIR MATTRESS AND YET U SLEPT ON THE FLOOR

 **heavens2betsey:** ANGEL NEEDED THE COUCH AND LAF AND HERC HAVE THE ROLLAWAY BED

 **turtle:** bruh,,,,, come over

 **heavens2betsey:** THIS IS MY HOUSE I CAN'T LEAVE EVERYONE IN HERE

 **turtle:** yeah but if u come back to ours u can get in our real bed and have noisy sex bc ur friend-children won't be there and i’ll make pancakes afterwards

 **heavens2betsey:**...sold

 **whambamthankuham:** get dressed we’ll meet u downstairs

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **best fren**

 **best fren:** ham where ya @

 **A . Ham:** morning peggy me and john took betsey back to our place

 **best fren:** gross, spare me details

 **best fren:** we have collectively stocked eliza’s kitchen according 2 her vague death threats

 **best fren:** probs gonna go back 2 bed

 **A . Ham:** k thx best fren i love u

 **best fren:** love u too bestie

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** ALEX STOP EATING ALL THE PANCAKES

 **whambamthankuham:** FUKC YOU

 **heavens2betsey:** STOPPP

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **turtle:** hello

 **lagayette:** why did you make another squad chat we already have one of those

 **turtle:** this one doesn’t have alex in it bc i wanna talk about him

 **turtle:** what’s the grossest/laziest/most problematic thing u’ve ever seen him do

 **heavens2betsey:** OMG ONCE HE WASHED HIS HANDS WITH MY EXPENSIVE JOJOBA OIL SHAMPOO BC HE WAS TOO LAZY TO FILL UP THE SOAP DISPENSER LIKE I ASKED HIM TO

 **heavens2betsey:** IT WASN’T GROSS BUT IT WAS MEAN

 **turtle:** i just watched him spill syrup on his leg and then rub it in like lotion bc he was too lazy to get a napkin and didn’t realize i was looking at him

 **lagayette:** FUCK

 **lagayette:** once when he spent a month or so with me in france he couldn’t figure out where my knives were so he rubbed some butter on his hand and used his palm like a knife to put butter on his bread

 **margaritaville:** once he invited me over while he was working on a paper and made me sit and watch him type for six hours because he “works better with an audience”

 **angel(ica):** OPIJAIJDFIOJ

 **angel(ica):** we went to the park and his gum fell out of his mouth and got covered in dirt and he thought i wasn’t looking so he picked a piece of mulch off of it and shoved it back in his mouth

 **heavens2betsey:** NOOO

 **heavens2betsey:** OH MY GOD I JUST HAD A FULL BODY SHUDDER

 **h0rsefucker:** that’s the man who eats you out eliza how do you feel

 **turtle:** FUKCK

 **h0rsefucker:** brother got mulch tongue

 **heavens2betsey:** OH GOD

 **heavens2betsey:** worth it!

 **h0rsefucker:** GTG

 **h0rsefucker:** he moved in with me when he first moved to new york and he used the same reusable water bottle for six months without washing it because he “didn’t want the straw to taste like dish soap”

 **h0rsefucker:** it had its own ecosystem

 **heavens2betsey:** I WISH I WAS DEAD WHY DID YOU START THIS

 **margaritaville** _has added_ **grgwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **margaritaville:** george what’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen ham do

 **grgwshngturnt:** Once, he scooped fresh cat poop out of a litterbox with his bare hands and blended it with iced coffee to give to Jefferson.

 **turtle:** THOSE HANDS HAVE BEEN ON MY DICK

 **heavens2betsey:** IM HONETSTLY IN TEARS

 **angel(ica):** THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED??

 **h0rsefucker:** IM CRYGIN THIS CHAT IS SO UGLY

 **grgwshngturnt:** That’s not even the grossest thing I’ve seen him do. It’s up there, but it’s not the worst.

 **lagayette:**...whose cat was it

 **grgwshngturnt:**...I never thought to ask. It never made it all the way to Jefferson’s office because I intercepted it.

 **lagayette:** WTF LET HIM HAVE HIS JUST DESSERTS

 **grgwshngturnt:** But that’s so mean. :/

 **lagayette:** THAT’S THE POINT SIR

 **angel(ica):** the first thing ham said to me when i met him was “bartender lemme get an amaretto sour for this ghetto flower how are u SOOO pretty u had me at hello u know u need me, truly, madly, lez get freaky oh i get it i see ur the strong n silent type well im the caribbean island type and i can drive you wild ALLL night but i digress say somethin so i don’t stress”

 **heavens2betsey:** N NOOOO

 **heavens2betsey:** THT’AS SO UGNGLY

 **heavens2betsey:** AFTER HE SAID THAT TO YOU WHY WOULD YOU INTRODUCE HIM TO ME?? WHAT THE FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU TOLD ME HE WAS SMART AND FUNNY AND HAD AN AMAZING CONVERSATION WITH YOU AND YOU KNEW HE WOULD BE PERFECT FOR ME

 **heavens2betsey:** yOU DON’T EVEN LIKE AMARETTO SOURS WHAT THERUFIKC

 **angel(ica):** HONESTLY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY

 **angel(ica):** HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE’D ACTUALLY BE NICE TO U

 **heavens2betsey:** SO SOME BOZO AT A PARTY WALKS UP TO YOU AN FREESTYLE RAPS AN INTRODUCITION aAND YOU THINK THAT YOU SHOULD INTRODUCE HIM TO ME

 **angel(ica):** WELL THINK OF IT THIS WAY

 **angel(ica):** UR BASICALLY ENGAGED TO A MAN WHOSE OPENING LINES INCLUDE “U HAD ME AT HELLO U KNOW U NEED ME, TRULY, MADLY, LEZ GET FREAKY”

 **angel(ica):** THE FAULT LIES WITH U

 **turtle:** GOD

 **turtle:** IM basically engaged to someone who called angelica a GHETTO FLOWER

 **turtle:** IM CRYING

 **heavens2betsey:** UFUFJCK

 **margaritaville:** FUCVKNGIGN PRAYER CIRCLE

 **grgwshngturnt:** I hired someone who unironically says “let’s get freaky”.

 **turtle:** IT’S OK WE’VE ALL MADE MISTAKES

 **h0rsefucker:** I HAVE TO GOOOO

 **lagayette:** Noah Fence but how does he have friends

 **lagayette:** fucK that’s our fault

 **grgwshngturnt:**...I have to go.

 **lagayette:** OH YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID ONCE

 **lagayette:** HE ATE MY WEED BROWNIES WITHOUT ASKING AND THEN ACCUSED HERCULES OF IT BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT AND I BROKE UP WITH HERC

 **h0rsefucker:** YE S I REMEMBER THIS

 **h0rsefucker:** YOU GOT SO MAD THAT YOU FORGOT HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

 **h0rsefucker:** I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WERE YELLING AT ME AT FIRST AND I JUST KEPT HEARING WEED BROWNIE INTERSPERSED WITH FURIOUS FRENCH

 **lagayette:** LMAO YESSS

 **lagayette:** AND ALEX WAS SO EMBARRASSED THAT HE ADMITTED IT BUT ONLY AFTER A WEEK AND A HALF OR SO

 **h0rsefucker:** HE WAS HIGH OFF HIS ASS WHEN HE TOLD YOU THAT HOW DID YOU NOT REALIZE

 **lagayette:** I ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS SO QUIET BUT HE SAID HE WAS CONTEMPLATING FINITE EXISTENCE SO I LEFT HIM ALONE

 **h0rsefucker:** LAF...THAT LITERALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE STEREOTYPICAL RESPONSE OF SOMEONE WHO IS HIGH

 **lagayette:** LEAVEE ME AL OENOENEOE

 **lagayette:** pLEASE

 **heavens2betsey:** SEPAKRING IHDOFIADIOJ OK SPEAKING OF PROBLEMATIC THINGS

 **heavens2betsey:** REMEMBER WHEN HE GOT IN A BIKING ACCIDENT BUT DIDN’T WANT TO FREAK US OUT SO HE TEXTED GW “LMFAOOOO GUESS WHAT” aAND GW WAS LIKE what AND HE WAS LIKE “MY RIBS ARE BROKEN”

 **grgwshngturnt:** DEAD.

 **grgwshngturnt:** HE DESCRIBED IT AS “A SUDDEN ARBOREAL STOP.” INSTEAD OF ADMITTING THAT HE CRASHED HIS BIKE INTO A TREE

 **heavens2betsey:** YS OH MGY GOD

 **lagayette:** IM GOING TO PASS THE FUCK OUT

 **theOGgeorge:** I didn’t realize I was in here I’m sorry omg

 **turtle:** it’s ok! what’s the most problematic thing you’ve seen alex do

 **theOGgeorge:** I’ve known him for like three days

 **turtle:** u know he always be fuckin up tho

 **theOGgeorge:** LMAO

 **theOGgeorge:** He called me daddy one time when we had sex, but I don’t think he realized it, so I just pretended it didn’t happen

 **theOGgeorge:** I low-key had an existential crisis in the bathroom afterwards

 **turtle:** FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **angel(ica):** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **heavens2betsey:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **turtle:** NOOOOOPE

 **grgwshngturnt:** I…

 **margaritaville:** I REALLY CAN’T

 **lagayette:** OH MY GOD BUT I CALLED IT

 **lagayette** _has sent an image:_ **receipts1.jpg**

 **lagayette:** “the ‘daddy just might slip out of my mouth once he puts it in’ walk”

 **heavens2betsey:** I HAVE TO GO

 **heavens2betsey:** I REALLY N E E D TO LEVA E E EA

 **h0rsefucker:** MY LIFE IS FALLING INTO SHAMBLES BEFORE MY VERY EYES

 **lagayette:** I CAN’T BLEEIEEEVE

 **margaritaville:** CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT LAFAYETTE IS SO GAY THAT THEY HAVE A DICK SENSOR

 **lagayette:** pretty sure it’s right about gwash too lol

 **grgwshngturnt:**...I’m still in here.

 **lagayette:** FUCK.

 **lagayette** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** REKT

 **theOGgeorge:** THIS IS A DISASTER

 **turtle:** okay but here’s a better question: what’s the nicest but most outlandish thing you’ve ever done for alex even though he can be annoying sometimes

 **angel(ica):** flown home from london on a weekend to make sure he was getting rest while he had a cold

 **margaritaville:** OMG WTF

 **margaritaville:** WHY IS EVERYONE WHIPPED FOR HAM

 **angel(ica):** like you haven’t done more

 **margaritaville:** i let him eat my whole birthday cake on my birthday once but that’s it

 **angel(ica):** seems fake

 **margaritaville:** ok no i did steal dad’s car and drive 3 hours down here on a school night to make sure he was okay after he stopped replying to my texts

 **margaritaville:** he’d just fallen asleep in the bath

 **margaritaville:** and then he asked if i’d buy him dinner so i bought pizza and then i had to ask dad for gas money to get home cause i spent all my cash on him

 **angel(ica):** IM LAUGHGING SO AHRD

 **heavens2betsey:** i’ve driven into virginia to his favorite 7/11 to get him an ICEE

 **turtle:** ELIZA YOU ARE SO WHIPPED

 **turtle:** THAT’S FOUR HOURS FOR A CUP OF ICE WASN’T IT MELTED BY THE TIME YOU GOT HOME

 **heavens2betsey:** STOP HE WANTED IT SO BAD THE RATIO OF SYRUP TO ICE IS DIFFERENT IN THAT 7/11 THAN IT IS HERE I BOUGHT A COOLER TO KEEP IT COLD

 **heavens2betsey:** HE LOOKED SO HAPPY

 **heavens2betsey:** JOHN IT’S YOUR TURN

 **turtle:** i got hit by a car for him once

 **heavens2betsey:** HWAT THE EHELL

 **heavens2betsey:** HOW DARE YOU SAY I’M WHIPPED I FORGOT ABOUT THIS YOU ARE ARGUABLY THE BIGGEST HAMILFAN FUCK OFF

 **theOGgeorge:** wE REALLY NEED A BACKSTORY FOR THIS…

 **turtle:** he was crossing the street and i stopped to tie my shoe and i looked up and he wasn’t paying attention the stupid piece of shit

 **turtle:** he’s always on his fucking phone

 **turtle:** and there was this cab coming up really fast and i said “hey alex!” and he didn’t look up and i realized i couldn’t say it fast enough so i just jumped into the street and body slammed him out of the way but i got tapped by the fender

 **h0rsefucker:** BRUH YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR LIKE THREE DAYS YOU DIDN’T JUST GET TAPPED IM SCEMRAINGA

 **turtle:** NO BIGGIE

 **angel(ica):** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 **angel(ica):** WHAT THE HELL

 **margaritaville:** proof that a man will do anything to protect his main source of dick

 **angel(ica):** I WAS GOING TO SAY PROOF THAT SOULMATES ARE REAL BUT OK

 **margaritaville:** angel if sources of dick and soulmates are synonymous then what if tjeff is your soulmate

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **grgwshngturnt:** That was a horrifyingly low blow.

 **h0rsefucker:** IT WAS LOW KEY FUNNY

 **heavens2betsey:** PEGGY HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE DISCUSSED THIS

 **margaritaville:** sorry :((

 **heavens2betsey:** REPEAT WHAT I TOLD YOU

 **margaritaville:** UGH STOP

 **heavens2betsey:** DO IT.

 **margaritaville:** fine

 **margaritaville:** just because you CAN say something, doesn’t mean that you SHOULD

 **h0rsefucker:** IM LAUGHGIN SO HARD JESUS CRHIRIST I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WROTE PEGGY A MANTRA TO REPEAT BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STOP BEING TERRIBLE

 **margaritaville:** FUCK OFFFF

 **margaritaville:** I HATE ALL OF U

 **grgwshngturnt:** I gotta GO.

 **grgwshngturnt:** For real though, Martha is going to catch me in a roast chat for her favorite not-quite-child and have my head on a plate.

 **margaritaville:** LMFAO YIEKES

 **grgwshngturnt:** Goodbye!

 **grgwshngturnt** _has left the group:_ **‘squad’**

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **lagayette** _to the group:_ **'squad**

**theOGgeorge:** This has truly been a wild time

 **turtle:** okay like? did i get hit by a car? sure. but having my boyfriend  ACCIDENTALLY call you daddy is WORSE

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU CAN’T TELL HIM I SAID ANYTHING

 **lagayette:** why’d you have an existential crisis though

 **theOGgeorge:**...BECAUSE I THINK I LIKED IT

 **heavens2betsey:** I JUST HAD THE UNIQUE EXPERIENCE OF WATCHING JOHN SNORT OUT ORANGE JUICE AND PANCAKE PIECES THROUGH HIS NOSE

 **theOGgeorge:** I’M SORRY OH MY GOD

 **lagayette:** HAVE U EVER REGRETTED ASKING A QUESTION

 **margaritaville:** I CAN’T BREATHE JESSUSUS S FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** oh my GOD wanna hear about THE MOST problematic thing alexander has EVER done to ANYONE EVER

 **theOGgeorge:** The random capitalization has me really intrigued

 **theOGgeorge:** Elaborate, please

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** ok buckle up

 **heavens2betsey:** so alexander met hercules first when he moved to new york and then herc introduced him to john right

 **heavens2betsey:** BUT ALEXANDER HAD A GAY PANIC AND TRIED TO PRETEND HE DIDN’T LIKE JOHN  AND WHEN HE MET ME AT A PARTY HE FREAKED OUT AND ASKED ME OUT BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PRETEND HE WAS STRAIGHT

 **turtle:** oH MY GOD YES YE S i lOVE THIS STORUY FUCK

 **turtle:** OFHAOISDFJOI AND THEN HE REALIZED HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKED ME BUT HE’D BEEN OUT ON A BUNCH OF DATES WITH ELIZA  AND HE REALLY LIKED HER TOO AND HE DIDN’T KNWO WHAT TO DO

 **heavens2betsey:** YEAH AND HE PANICKED BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE COULDN’T DATE BOTH OF US

 **heavens2betsey:** SO HE TRIED TO GHOST US IRL FOR A WEEK AND IGNORED ALL OUR TEXTS AND DIDN’T LEAVE HIS APARTMENT SO WE WOULD THINK HE HAD LIKE? DIED

 **angel(ica):** ARE YOU TELLING ME HE ACTUALLY TRIED TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH TO AVOID HIS PROBLEMS

 **margaritaville:** FUCK

 **lagayette:** TAG YOURSELF IM ALEX

 **turtle:** SO ELIZA TEXTED ME ONE DAY AND SHE WAS LIKE “hey have you seen hamilton around” AND I WAS LIKE “no i was gonna text you about him though he’s been gone for like a week”

 **heavens2betsey:** SO WE MET UP AT HIS FAVORITE COFFEE SHOP FIRST AND WE SPENT A WEEK COMBING THROUGH THE CITY FOR ALL HIS FAVORITE PLACES TO GO

 **turtle:** BUT IT ACCIDENTALLY TURNED INTO A WEEK OF NOT-QUITE-DATES IN THE PLACES THAT REMINDED US OF ALEX AND WE FOUND OUT WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

 **heavens2betsey:** WE TAKE OUR COFFEE THE SAME WAY AND ALSO WE HAVE A THING FOR ALEXANDER’S DICK LOL

 **turtle:** ELIZA YOU’RE RUINING IT

 **h0rsefucker:** FUCIK I M LAUGHIGN SO HARD

 **heavens2betsey:** LMAO SORRY GTGGGGG

 **heavens2betsey:** OK SO WE REALIZED THAT WE HADN’T BEEN TO HIS APARTMENT YET SO WE GO OVER THERE AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

 **turtle:** IDIOT THAT HE IS, HE COMES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT IMMEDIATELY

 **heavens2betsey:** HE FORGOT THAT HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK TO US AND HE WAS ALL EXCITED AND HE WAS LIKE “HOLY FUCK ELIZA I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN SO LONG UGH I MISSED YOU” AND I WAS LIKE BRO… YOU’VE BEEN MISSING FOR WEEKS…

 **turtle:** AND THEN HE REALIZED THAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING AND HE JUST TRIED TO CLOSE THE DOOR AND HIDE AGAIN WHILE CONVINCING US THAT THIS WAS A DREAM

 **turtle:** SO I SHOVED MY FOOT IN THE DOOR AND DEMANDED THAT HE TELL US WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON

 **heavens2betsey:** AND AFTER LIKE A MINUTE OF GLARING HE ADMITTED THAT HE REALLY LIKED BOTH OF US BUT HE KNEW HE COULDN’T DATE TWO PEOPLE SO HE WAS TRYING TO LET BOTH OF US GO GENTLY

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **whycantwehaveboth-taco-girl.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey:** buT I ALREADY THOUGHT JOHN WAS PRETTY COOL SO I WAS LIKE “sure why not” AND JOHN WAS LIKE “yeah im down with it” AND ALEX WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK AND WE WERE LIKE “we can all go get dinner after this” AND HE WAS SO CONFUSED THAT HE FAINTED

 **theOGgeorge:** That was the best thing I have EVER heard oh my fucking GOD

 **heavens2betsey:** TLDR: LOCAL MAN LIKES SUFFERING AND PAIN, CAN’T STOP TRYING TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH TO AVOID HIS PROBLEMS

 **h0rsefucker:** FUSIJCISJCKLAJLIJAIOHDCJIODCJAUIDFAUCK

 **h0rsefucker:** JHE’S NEVER TOLD ME THSAT STORRYY FOIUCSOIJSJKA FUCK

 **lagayette:** HE IS A WARM DISASTER

 **margaritaville:** FUCKING CHRIST IM GONNA PASS OUT

 **theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **my-life-is-saved.jpg**

 **heavens2betsey:** gtg alexander just looked over my shoulder and asked what i was doing

 **angel(ica):** EVERYONE ABANDON SHIP IMMEDIATELY

 **angel(ica)** , **heavens2betsey** , **margaritaville** , **theOGgeorge** , **lagayette** , **h0rsefucker** , _and_ **turtle** _have left the group:_ **‘squad’**

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** what r u looking at on ur phones

 **turtle:** nothing

 **heavens2betsey:** porn

 **whambamthankuham:** OIDIJFADIJSFIO

 **whambamthankuham:** AT LEAST ELIZA IS HONEST

 **heavens2betsey:** u can come look with me if u want

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s art porn though because the actual porn industry is SO UGLY AND TERRIBLE

 **whambamthankuham:** im proud

 **heavens2betsey:** :)

 **turtle:** SCREAMIN

 **heavens2betsey:** are u gonna look or are u just gonna sit and judge me john

 **turtle:** scoot over

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

 **margaritaville:** hey george

 **theOGgeorge:** Hi what’s up

 **margaritaville:** if i use the phrase “cheeky nando’s with the lads”, am i appropriating your culture

 **theOGgeorge:** OH FUCK OFF.

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **angel(ica):** PEGGY DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT ASK GEORGE IF THE CHEEKY NANDO’S WITH THE LADS MEME IS CULTURAL  APPROPRIATION

 **margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **heavens2betsey:** FUCK

 **angel(ica):** BYEEE

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **callmemacaroni**

 **callmemacaroni:** jemmy

 **jmadisin:** what’s good thomas

 **callmemacaroni:** should i buy a vape

 **jmadisin:** absolutely not.

 **callmemacaroni:** ok

 **jmadisin:** u do realize that if u buy a vape i will break up with u right

 **callmemacaroni:** um

 **callmemacaroni:** i love u so much

 _You can no longer send messages to the user:_ **jmadisin**

 **callmemacaroni:** DID YOU FUCKING BLOCK ME 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT'S A MESS TBH!! sorry for my spotty updates too. thank y'all for reading, you're all angels xoxo. PS there is an end-note thingy that i can't get rid of that has the wrong twitter @ in it, my current twitter is @jamesmadisin so go there if you want to reach me. see you back here, same place, same (sorta) time soon. bye!!


	10. pond scum dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with a roast chat for hamilton and tjeff being a vape GOD. now james has a story to tell, peggy is trying to live their dream of being in a musical, and eliza really wants hamilton to STOP EATING THE MARSHMALLOWS OUT OF THE LUCKY CHARMS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ALEXANDER YOU'RE A GROWN ASS MAN I SWEAR TO--oh, and george (the king) preaches the merits of kindness! (and death threats.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey just for future reference madison's username is jmadisin, in case you got confused. im trying to reform kg3's character and turn him into a real death threat master...baby steps, y'all. also shoutout to AJ who commented saying that they wanted the line "the real warm disasters were the friends we made along the way" in here because i did that shit fam you're welcome and ily. THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR COMMENTS, THEY BRIGHTEN MY DAY SO MUCH. this chapter is a trainwreck...no one else has read it. sorry.

**whambamthankuham** _has added_ **jmadisin** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** HOLY SHIT Y’ALL LISTNE TO THIS IM LAUGHIGN SO HRARD

 **jmadisin:** THOMAS BOUGHT A VAPE

 **angel(ica):** FUCKC

 **whambamthankuham:** IT’S NOT ANY LESS FUNNY THAN THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT IM GONNA PASS OUT FUCK

 **jmadisin:** IT’S PINK AND IT HAS RHINESTONES ON THE BASE AND HE ALSO HAS A TSHIRT THAT SayS “VAPE GOD” ON IT

 **heavens2betsey:** LOOK AROUND, LOOK AROUND AT HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** IM SO HAPPY I CAN’T BELIVE THIS

 **angel(ica):** WHY R U STILL USING MY TYPO MEME

 **whambamthankuham:** IT MEMES  A LOT TO ME

 **angel(ica):** FUCK OFF

 **jmadisin:** I HAD TO BLOCK HIM

 **jmadisin:** IM CRYING

 **lagayette:** this is his legacy: vape god

 **whambamthankuham:** legacy, what is a legacy, it’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see

 **lagayette:** i wanted to rhyme back but i honestly can’t im gonna cry someone with a vape god has sucked my dick

 **jmadisin:** ODFAIOSDJ

 **jmadisin:** when ur asexual so at least the same mouth that eats kraft mac n cheese and vapes hasn’t ever been on ur dick

 **jmadisin:** my one claim to fame

 **whambamthankuham:** YIOJDIAFDIOSJ

 **whambamthankuham:** JEFFERSON IS ACTUALLY THE WORST WHY HAS EVERYONE FUCKED HIM

 **angel(ica):** I DON’T WANT TO BE DRAGGED FOR THIS

 **jmadisin:** ANGELIC A OH MY GOD HAVE U HAD SEX WITH THOMAS

 **angel(ica):** NO

 **margaritaville:** HE WENT DOWN ON HER THOUGH LMAO SHE’S BEEN TOUCHED BY THE CHEESE TONGUE

 **angel(ica)** _has removed_ **margaritaville** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** PEGGY SAY IT

 **margaritaville:** I FUCKING HATE U

 **heavens2betsey:** SAY IT

 **margaritaville:** just because you CAN say something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD

 **heavens2betsey:** GOOD

 **heavens2betsey:** MAYBE YOU’LL FINALLY LEARN THE TRUTH OF THAT STATEMENT IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH

 **angel(ica):** DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH ELIZA

 **margaritaville:** LOOK ANGELICA

 **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY DON’T UR GONNA MAKE BETSEY DEVELOP AN EYE TWITCH

 **jmadisin:** thIS IS A TRAINWRECK IM LAUGHING SO HARD

 **lagayette:** im gonna message him about his vape hold on

-o-

 _You have sent a chat to:_ **callmemacaroni**

 **lagayette:** hi

 **callmemacaroni:** bonjour

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette:** I SAID HI AND HE SAID BONJOUR IM SCREMING

 **jmadisin:** I’VE TOLD HIM SO MANY TIMES REAL FRENCH PEOPLE DON’T LIKE WHEN HE DOES THAT

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCKK

-o-

 _You have sent a chat to:_ **callmemacaroni**

 **lagayette:** how have u been

 **callmemacaroni:** actually i just bought a vape im doing great

 **lagayette:** wow really

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette:** FUCKK

 **lagayette:** UFKC FUCK FUCK FUCK

 **lagayette:** I ASKED HIM HOW HE WAS AND HE LED WITH “I JUST BOUGHT A VAPE” I CAN’T BREAHTE WHY DOES HE WANT TO EXPOSE HIMSELF LIEK THIS

-o-

 _You have sent a chat to:_ **callmemacaroni**

 **lagayette:** that’s cool

 **callmemacroni:** yeah it’s pretty cool my friend montparnasse in france owns a vape shop and he hooked me up with one

 **lagayette:** so neat wow

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **lagayette:** JESUS CHIR R IS T HE HAS A FRIEND THAT OWNS A VAPE SHOP

 **jmadisin:** have you ever regretted decisions that u made in ur life :,)

 **lagayette:** ARE U GONNA DUMP THOMAS BC HE BOUGHT A VAPE

 **jmadisin:** PROBABLY NOT

 **angel(ica):** PROBABLY

 **margaritaville:** UR ONE TO TALK

 **heavens2betsey:** PEGGY IF U KEEP THIS UP I WILL HAVE TO FLAG U FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

 **margaritaville:** WTF THE FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** I WILL PUT U ON MY DONEZO LIST AND CHANGE UR NAME IN MY CONTACTS TO UR ACTUAL NAME INSTEAD OF “SIBLING” WITH SPARKLY HEART EMOJIS BESIDE IT

 **margaritaville:** WHAT THE HELL

 **margaritaville:** ARE U ALL JUST GONNA LET ELIZA BULLY ME LIKE THIS

 **angel(ica):** yes

 **lagayette:** certainly

 **whambamthankuham:** absolutely

 **turtle:** for sure

 **theOGgeorge:** yeah

 **jmadisin:** definitely

 **h0rsefucker:** yep

 **margaritaville:** GOODBYE

 **heavens2betsey:** PLSS KEEP THIS CHAT A POSITIVE AND FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT!!!!

 **margaritaville:** HOW CAN IT BE A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT WHEN HAMILTON IS IN HERE

 **heavens2betsey:** LMFAO YAS SIS

 **angel(ica):** IM LAUGHGINNG SO HARD

 **whambamthankuham:** WHTA THEUFKC ????

 **turtle:** THAT’S SO FUNNY I GTG

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY IS IT FUNNY TO BULLY ME BUT NOT ANGELICA

 **margaritaville:** DFIAJSDFOJDSDIJAMDLCKSMKLMA

 **turtle:** GTGGTGTGTGTTGTGTGTGTGTGTGTGTG

 **heavens2betsey:** LOVE U!

 **lagayette:** y’all are a warm disaster

 **lagayette:** FUCKING SHIT GODDAMMIT I MEANT HOT MESS AGAIN

 **lagayette:** FUCK

 **margaritaville:** maybe the real warm disasters were the friends we made along the way

 **lagayette:** PLEASE SHTU THE FUCK UP PEGGY

 **whambamthankuham:** IM STILL OFFENDED?? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

 **whambamthankuham:** I FEEL SO ATTACKED

 **turtle:** ok wait madison what flavor is thomas’s vape juice though

 **jmadisin:** i don’t know actually i haven’t seen him in like 2days im avoiding him he’s an embarrassment and i don’t want to be seen in public with him

 **turtle:** JOJDSIJFIOS

 **turtle:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THE THING THAT BRINGS US ALL TOGETHER IS TJEFF BUYING A VAPE THIS IS AMAZING

 **whambamthankuham:** UGH FINE I’LL JUST PRETEND LIIKE YOU DIDN’T BULY ME THEN

 **jmadisin:** be quiet hamilton

 **whambamthankuham** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** JIFAJFSDIFJFUCKCKK

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **theOGgeorge**

 **theOGgeorge:** I didn’t want to say this in the main chat but can we be real for a sec

 **angel(ica):** yeah what’s up

 **theOGgeorge:** Fireflies by Owl City was a real banger

 **angel(ica):** GEORGE OH MY GOD

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica)** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **angel(ica):** GEORGE JUST MESSAGED ME AND SAID CAN WE BE REAL FOR A SEC AND I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON WITH HIIM SO I WAS FREAKIGN OUT AND THEN

 **theOGgeorge:** CAN YOU FUCKING NOT

 **angel(ica):** HE GOES “FIREFLIES BY OWL CITY WAS A REAL BANGER”

 **whambamthankuham:** OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAD SEX

 **jmadisin:** WAIT Y’ALL HAD SEX ?? WHAT DID I MISS

 **theOGgeorge:** I SHARED THAT WITH YOU IN CONFIDENCE??

 **theOGgeorge:** THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER HONESTLY I’M JUST TRYING TO CHILL?? AND THEN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT?? I HAVE DONE NOTHING BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND  ANGELICA, THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?? AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU?? MY FAMILY BUILT THIS COUNTRY !! YOU SHOULD BE BEGGING FOR MY LOVE!!

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCK IM LAUGHING SO HARD

 **angel(ica):** AND ON THAT DAY, NO CHILL WAS HAD

 **margaritaville:** IM WHEEZING

 **margaritaville:** CAN WE PLEASSEEE MAKE THIS A MEME

 **lagayette:** THIS IS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN WARM DISASTER I CEDE MY CROWN AS MEME ROYALTY TO GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** FUCK

 **angel(ica):** GO BEST FRIEND THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND

 **theOGgeorge:** FUCK NO ANGELICA

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU JUST EXPOSED MY ASS YOU DON’T GET TO USE THE BEST FRIEND THING ON ME

 **angel(ica):** BABE :(((

 **margaritaville:** KARMA IS A REAL

 **margaritaville:** when ur trying to avoid gendered slurs so u don’t wanna say bitch but also karma just kicked ur ass

 **angel(ica):** BYE!

 **heavens2betsey:** someone screenshot that and crop it so we can use it as a meme forever

 **heavens2betsey:** im gonna post it on twitter maybe it will take off outside of here

 **theOGgeorge:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE NICE ONE??

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU THOUGHT WRONG, MY GUY

 **margaritaville:** IM LIVING FOR THIS

 **theOGgeorge:** UGH

 **theOGgeorge:** DOES ANYONE HAVE A CHAISE LOUNGE I CAN THROW MYSELF MELODRAMATICALLY OVER AND A BLACK VELVET CAPE THAT I CAN WEAR WHILE I SULK

 **h0rsefucker:** THIS IS SOME WILD SHIT IM LAUGHGIN SO HARD

 **whambamthankuham:** BYEE

 **jmadisin:** PL;EASE EXPLAIN

 **whambamthankuham:** george has a really big dick that was inside my body that’s how sex works james

 **jmadisin:** FUCK ON OUTTA HERE WITH YA STANK ASS HAMILTON

 **jmadisin:** GOD THIS IS WHY WE AREN’T FRIENDS

 **h0rsefucker:** dragg’t

 **whambamthankuham:** WE AREN’T FRIENDS BECAUSE  YOU INSIST ON DATING A VAPE GOD BUT OK HONEY WE CAN PRETEND LIKE IT’S NOT ON YOU

 **jmadisin:** BOY IF YOU DON’T

 **jmadisin:** WE AREN’T FRIENDS BECAUSE YOUR BIG HEAD IS SO FAR UP YA OWN DAMN ASS THAT YOU LICK YOUR COLON EVERY TIME YOU SPEAK BRUH BUT OK

 **turtle:** HORRIFYING

 **margaritaville:** ladies, gents, and people who don’t subscribe to the social construct that is the gender binary, check out today’s alarmingly accurate hamilton drag! extra, extra, read all about it!

 **whambamthankuham** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **turtle:** CRYING

 **h0rsefucker:** i think i just fell a little bit in love with james

 **jmadisin:** ;;;)

 **lagayette** _has sent an image:_ **stay-in-your-lane.jpg**

 **jmadisin:** JDOIJOISJDFJ

 **h0rsefucker:** LOVE YOU!!!

 **lagayette:** sure

 **margaritaville:** ok but someone really needs to find out what flavor of vape tjeff has this is eating me up

 **margaritaville** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** next time u see tjeff u have to ask him what flavor of vape he has

 **jmadisin:** investigaytive journalism

 **margaritaville:** LMAO SLICK

 **theOGgeorge:** I’ve recovered from the meme bullying

 **margaritaville:** glad 2 have u back

 **theOGgeorge:** Do you want to go get lunch

 **margaritaville:** ME?

 **theOGgeorge:**...Yes?

 **margaritaville:** YAS LORD

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf can i come

 **margaritaville:** why

 **margaritaville:** r u afraid im gonna

 **margaritaville:** STEAL

 **margaritaville:** UR

 **margaritaville:** MAN

 **whambamthankuham:** no actually i really need to finish this proposal for GW and as you know i work better with an audience

 **margaritaville:** *stares into the camera like im on the office*

 **turtle:** same peggy

 **theOGgeorge:** SAME.

 **whambamthankuham:** is there something i don’t know

 **margaritaville:** lol no u good fam

 **margaritaville:** come pick me up

 **theOGgeorge:** Where are you?

 **margaritaville:** STILL IN ELIZA’S APARTMENT LMAO

 **heavens2betsey:** WTF THE Fuck

 **heavens2betsey:** WHERE?? I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU WERE GONNA SWITCH OFF STAYING WITH ME AND ALEXANDER

 **margaritaville:** yeah but alex doesn’t do the dishes and john has a life

 **turtle:** thank you for not shading me but maybe you could do the dishes in exchange for living in my house

 **margaritaville:** don’t be silly johnald we’ve talked about this that’s just not how our friendship works

 **margaritaville:** i don’t see you that way

 **turtle:** IM NOT ASKING YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH ME IM ASKIGN FOR YOU TO WASH THE BOWLS AFTER YOU LEAVE FRUIT LOOPS IN THEM FOR TOO LONG

 **angel(ica):** did you just call him johnald

 **margaritaville:** that’s not important

 **margaritaville:** ANYWAY I DON’T EVEN EAT FRUIT LOOPS THIS IS FAKE AS FUCK

 **margaritaville:** IM VERY CAREFUL NOT TO EAT THINGS OUT OF THE DISHES AT YOUR PLACE SO YOU CAN’T ASK ME TO DO THEM

 **turtle:**? THEN WHO

 **whambamthankuham:** guilty

 **turtle:** WTF THE FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** IM SORRY I’VE BEEN IN A BREAKFAST RUT

 **margaritaville:** UR GONNA GET ME KICKED OUT BECAUSE OF UR DUMB ASS CEREAL CHOICES

 **whambamthankuham:** U CAN’T LIVE WITH US FOREVER ANYWAY

 **turtle:** they can live with us they have better manners than you

 **whambamthankuham:** WTHAT THE HELL

 **heavens2betsey:** at least it’s not the lucky charms

 **turtle:** OH YEAH THANK GOD

 **whambamthankuham:** Y’ALL ALWAYS GANG UP ON ME FUCK Y’ALL

 **heavens2betsey:** IF YOU EAT ALL OF THE MARSHMALLOWS OUT OF A BOX AGAIN I WILL DIVORCE YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** WE AREN’T MARRIED

 **heavens2betsey:** THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT

 **theOGgeorge:**...Peggy, are you coming tho

 **margaritaville:** yes but are you paying for the uber

 **theOGgeorge:** Obviously

 **theOGgeorge:** This is my way to give back to the common people

 **margaritaville:** LMAO NO COMPLAINTS HERE

 **whambamthankuham:** COME GET ME TOO

 **theOGgeorge:** CHILL

 **theOGgeorge:** On the way!

 **h0rsefucker:** i feel so left out

 **theOGgeorge:** Aren’t you at work

 **h0rsefucker:** THAT’S NOT THE POINT GEORGE

 **margaritaville:** since george is paying can we get sushi

 **theOGgeorge:** Yes

 **whambamthankuham:** YASSSSSSSSSSSSS

-o-

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU GUYS

 **heavens2betsey:** YES

 **whambamthankuham:** PEGGY AND GEORGE JUST STOPPED A ROBBERY

 **angel(ica):**?!

 **angel(ica):** EXPLAIN NOW!!

 **whambamthankuham:** OKAY SO WE’RE SITTING OUTSIDE AT THE RESTAURANT

 **whambamthankuham:** AND I HAD MY LAPTOP OUT AND I WAS WORKING AND THEY WERE CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN SOMEONE JUST? RAN UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND GRABBED MY LAPTOP AND THEN SPRINTED INTO THE STREET

 **whambamthankuham:** and george goes “did that peasant man just take your computer??” all confused it was so CUTE

 **whambamthankuham:** AND I WAS LIKE YES WHAT THE FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** SO IM GETTING UP TO SEE IF I CAN CATCH HIM BEFORE HE GETS OFF WITH MY LAPTOP AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK PEGGY WAS THINKING HE COULD HAVE HAD A KNIFE BUT THEY JUST

 **whambamthankuham:** THEY RAN INTO FUCKING TRAFFIC AFTER HMI

 **whambamthankuham:** AND HE’D GOTTEN INTO THIS CAR AND PEGGY GOES “NOT TODAY” REALLY LOUD AND FUKCING THREW THEMSELF ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR

 **heavens2betsey:** WHT T TH EHELLE

 **margaritaville:** OH GOD IS THIS GOING TO BE THE NEW THING?? ANYONE WOULD’VE DONE IT FOR YOU DON’T MAKE THIS A BIG DEAL

 **turtle:** WHAT THE HELL FINISH THE STORY

 **whambamthankuham:** SO THE CAR S LIKE HALF IN HALF OUT OF TRAFFIC WITH THIS TINY PERSON ON THE HOOD, CLINGING TO THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS, SCREAMING “GIVE IT BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GIVE IT BACK!”, AND THEY’RE TRYING TO DRIVE AWAY BUT PEGGY WILL NOT GET OFF THE FRONT OF THE CAR

 **whambamthankuham:** SO GEORGE RUNS UP TO THE CAR  AND LIKE?? RIPS THE DOOR OPEN AND DRAGS THIS GUY OUT OF IT AND SHOVES HIM ON THE GROUND

 **whambamthankuham:** AND PEGGY ROLLS OFF THE HOOD AND GRABS MY COMPUTER AND IS LIKE “KICK HIS ASS” AND I WAS LIKE BRUH?? LET’S JUST GO PLEASE WE’RE IN THE WAY AND GEORGE IS LIKE “i will actually murder you and send a fully armed battalion after your family if you even think about moving” TO THE THIEF AND IT WAS SCARY AND WEIRDLY HOT AND THEN WHILE WE’RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO PEGGY STARTS CHANTING “ROB HIM BACK, ROB HIM BACK”

 **whambamthankuham:** AND IM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK AND GEORGE IS LIKE “NO PEGGY IF HE WAS TRYING TO STEAL A COMPUTER HE PROBABLY NEEDS MONEY” AND THEN HE PUT TWO TWENTIES ON THE GUY’S CHEST AND WAS LIKE “THIS IS A REVERSE ROBBERY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN NEVER TAKE FROM SOMEONE IS THEIR KINDNESS” AND THEN PEGGY JUST STARTS RUNNING AND GEORGE IS LIKE “SHOULD WE REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE MAYBE THEY COULD DO SOMETHING” AND THEN PEGGY ALMOST FELL OVER LAUGHING WHILE SPRINTING FULL SPEED STILL HOLDING MY COMPUTER

 **margaritaville:** the american justice system is the real joke

 **whambamthankuham:** SO NOW WE’RE WALKING HOME IM WHEEIZNNG

 **heavens2betsey:** PEGGY PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE THIS RECKLESS BEHAVIOR MY HAIR IS TURNING GRAY

 **angel(ica):** ….holy shit.

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s lit fam

 **lagayette:** OSIJDFIJASDIOJOFI

 **lagayette:** AND Y’ALL MAKE FUN OF ME FOR USING WORDS WRONG

 **theOGgeorge:** I tried

 **turtle:** it’s ok bro ur under a lot of pressure

 **theOGgeorge:** Thanks man

 **lagayette:** THIS IS THE MOST PEGGY THING I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LFIE

 **turtle:** TAG YOURSELF I’M “GIVE IT BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

 **lagayette:** I’M THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS

 **h0rsefucker:** IM GEORGE

 **margaritaville:** IM THE COMPUTER

 **whambamthankuham:** IM THE MONEY

 **heavens2betsey:** IM WORRIED

 **angel(ica):** ^ ME

 **angel(ica):** YOU AREN’T GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO TAKE PEGGY ANYWHERE ANHYMORE IF YOU KEEP FUCKING UP LIKE THIS

 **margaritaville:** I’M AN ADULT! SHUT UP!

 **turtle:** you are not an adult

 **margaritaville:** FUCK YOU, LAURENS!

 **margaritaville:** see how i used punctuation? i am an adult!

 **turtle:** good job!

 **margaritaville:** :)))))))))))))))

 **margaritaville:** wait hold on

 **margaritaville:** hamilton gets to be an adult and i don’t?!

 **margaritaville:** I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF ELEVATED MORAL PERSPICUITY IF HAMILTON GETS TO BE APART OF IT AND I DON’T

 **margaritaville:** THIS IS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO ONCE HAD A PET ROCK NAMED BRO-ROCK, WHICH HE SHORTENED TO BROCK AFTER THE FIRST YEAR OF OWNERSHIP

 **whambamthankuham:** IT WAS FUNNY

 **h0rsefucker:** i was there when you got it and it wasn’t funny

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s still not funny

 **h0rsefucker:** you were high for the first time and it hit you REAL hard and i had to chase you through central park in eliza’s jean shorts because that was the only clean article of clothing in our apartment

 **h0rsefucker:** who gets high while their roommate is doing laundry bro all of my clothes got STOLEN you STILL owe me money

 **heavens2betsey:** WTF WERE THOSE SHORTS THE ONES WITH THE LACE POCKETS

 **h0rsefucker:** they were lost to a duck pond. i am very sorry.

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT THE HELL

 **lagayette:** WARM DISASTER

 **turtle:** i changed my mind peggy you are now a card carrying adult

 **margaritaville:** SUCK IT AMERICA

 **margaritaville:** I CONTROL MY OWN DETINY

 **angel(ica):** detiny

 **angel(ica):** if you can’t spell destiny do you really deserve to control your own

 **margaritaville:** I MADE AN ERROR IN MY EXCITEMENT OKAY FUCK YOU

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy still deserves to control their own destiny OR detiny bc hamilton didn’t just own a pet rock he also BOUGHT IT from someone instead of just? idk picking a fucking rock off the ground

 **h0rsefucker:** they weren’t selling rocks it was just a twelve year old girl sitting on a bench next to a bed of pebbles

 **h0rsefucker:** he went up to her and gave her a twenty dollar bill for one of the pebbles

 **h0rsefucker:** she was really confused and said he could just take whichever one he wanted if he was that desperate and then he CRIED on her LEG for TEN MINUTES while i tried to haul him off

 **h0rsefucker:** PLEASE NOTE THAT I WAS SHIRTLESS AND WEARING ELIZA’S TINY SHORTS THAT DID NOT COVER MY ASS OR BUTTON OVER MY DICK

 **heavens2betsey:** they’re comfy tho right

 **h0rsefucker:** girl you slayed in them

 **h0rsefucker:** BUT THEY AREN’T RIGHT FOR ME

 **angel(ica):** neither peggy nor alex should be adults

 **margaritaville:** I PAY TAXES

 **angel(ica):** do you even have a job

 **margaritaville:** yES

 **angel(ica):** what is it

 **lagayette:** the last time we talked you said you got into stripping for a while do you actually pay taxes or no

 **margaritaville:** LAF ARE YOU CONFUSED ABOUT HOW TAXES WORK IF YOU’RE BREATHING AND HAVE MORE THAN ONE PENNY YOU HAVE TO PAY TAXES

 **margaritaville:** IF I WAS STILL A STRIPPER I’D BE PAYING TAXES I’LL BE PAYING THEM TILL I DIE AND SO WILL YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** “still a stripper”?

 **margaritaville:** ANYWAY I’M  AN  ACTRESS SO FUCK YOU

 **lagayette:** you’ve never even been in anything when did you just DECIDE to be an actress did that happen just now while you were trying to bullshit us

 **margaritaville:** FUCK YOU I JUST GOT A CALLBACK FOR “OBAMA! AN AMERICAN MUSICAL”

 **margaritaville:** I COULD BE PLAYIGN THE DUAL ROLE OF MALIA OBAMA/MONICA LEWINSKY SOON AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK MY DAMN DICK TO GET A TICKET SO FUCK YOU

 **lagayette:** WHO EVEN WAS OBAMA

 **maragaritaville:** FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT MY BRUH IT’S THE DUDE ON THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL

 **lagayette:** LMFAO A MUSICAL ABOUT HIM IS NEVER GOING TO WORK

 **margaritaville:** WE’LL SEE

 **heavens2betsey:** THE POINT STILL STANDS YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE WITH ALEXANDER IF YOU KEEP PULLING THIS SHIT

 **theOGgeorge:** How are you playing both Malia Obama AND Monica Lewinsky???

 **heavens2betsey:** BE QUIET GEORGE IM EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSED

 **theOGgeorge:** SORRY

 **h0rsefucker:** anyway i still feel the phantom pond scum from the duck pond on my dick sometimes

 **lagayette:** oh my GOD i’ve been fucked with DUCK POND DICK

 **jmadisin:** im still in here you guys

 **lagayette:** SHIT

 **lagayette:** NOW EVERYONE /KNOWS/ THAT I’VE BEEN FUCKED WITH DUCK POND DICK

 **jmadisin:** oijdJOFIDJAIJSDOFAIOSJDFOIJ

 **jmadisin:** IM SORRY

 **lagayette:** i have to DIE

 **angel(ica):** WAIT EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED IN THE DICK POND

 **angel(ica):** *duck. that was an unfortunate typo

 **h0rsefucker:** some things are better left unsaid…

 **jmadisin:** RT if i should see what vape flavor thomas has he’s trying to get into our apartment

 **margaritaville:** RT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jmadisin:** OK I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED

 **margaritaville:** SEE U ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WAR…

 **angel(ica):** (the other side of the warrrr…)

 **margaritaville:** you complete me

 **turtle:** TRULY DEEPLY YOU KNOW YOU NEED ME LEZ GET FREAKY

 **angel(ica):** OH FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** I SEE YOU’RE THE STRONG AND SILENT TYPE WELL IM THE CARIBBEAN ISLAND TYPE

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf that sounds so familiar where is that from

 **heavens2betsey** _,_ **angel(ica)** _,_ **theOGgeorge** _,_ **turtle** _,_ **margaritaville** _,_ **lagayete** _, and_ **horsefucker** _have left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **jmadisin:** what was that

 **whambamthankuham:** DAMN IT YOU GUYS COME BACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i SAID it was a trainwreck. peggy and george's Grand Theft Auto story is loosely based off of that book l8r, g8r lmao that book was my childhood. also i referenced tjeff's friend montparnasse bc me and enj (@OBLWAN_ on twitter and the author of les amemes) might be doing a crossover some time maybe? we'll see! hope you enjoyed! xoxo


	11. #daddygate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with everyone being tired of tjeff, hamilton being problematic, and peggy and george living it up (as always). now hamilton can't seem to stop himself from fucking up, eliza dumps hamilton, laurens finally discovers what vape flavor tjeff has, peggy is a little heartbroken, and angelica just wants to live in peace someone help this cinnamon roll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI this chapter is a WRECK. dolley is in the main chat now and her username is dmadisin. SORRY FOR THIS i only posted it because of my beautiful and kind best friend (@OBLWAN_ on twitter and the author of les amemes). i am working on world building so i swear everything you see is gonna tie in to something somewhere. thank you for your comments and messages on tumblr, i love you all so much. also, jo, thank you for all of your headcanons about the squad's sexual preferences. PS: if you are grossed out by sex stuff maybe skip this chapter--it doesn't go into detail but there is a section where the squad discusses their sexual experiences (not for long tho).

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** you guys

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah

 **heavens2betsey:** today is so ugly

 **whambamthankuham:** why

 **heavens2betsey:** the education center board is proposing cuts for some of our programs but we really can’t do that the kids need the best they can get otherwise they won’t have the tools to go as far as i KNOW they can they’re so smart and kind and THEY ARE OUR FUTURE we can’t make dumb cutbacks on our FUTURE im so EEMo

 **heavens2betsey:** ANYWAY can we hang out im really tired and i want to nap

 **whambamthankuham:** yes

 **whambamthankuham:** literally just come home

 **heavens2betsey:** like can i come to your home though

 **whambamthankuham:** *our home

 **whambamthankuham:** wherever the three of us are together is home

 **turtle:** THAT’S SO EMO

 **heavens2betsey:** :))))))))))))))))))))))))

 **turtle:** IM IN THE SHOWER SORRY FOR SLOW REPLIES

 **whambamthankuham:** he is indeed in the shower and he is playing allstar by smash mouth REALLY LOUD

 **heavens2betsey:** ugh i can’t believe one half of your soul is a smash mouth fucker alexander Fate sure has bad taste

 **turtle:** FUCK YOU ELIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** maybe after my nap

 **turtle:** THIS IS BULLYING AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT

 **turtle:** y’aLL KNOW YOU’RE GONNA CHANG E YOUR MINDS ABOUT ME WHEN U SEE ME SHIRTLESS EMERGING FROM THE BATHROOM IN A CLOUD OF STEAM AND COCOA BUTTER MY BODY IS A TEMPLE AND I AM THE GOD WHO LIVES IN IT AND I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE SMASH MOUTH  LIKE FUCK THIS SHIT I HAVE BLESSED YOU ALL

 **whambamthankuham:** that was such a poetic description of a meme fucker

 **turtle:** FUCK OFFFFFF

 **heavens2betsey:** open the door

 **turtle:** IM NAKED AND DAMP SOMEONE ELSE GET IT

 **whambamthankuham:** im coming

 **heavens2betsey:** thanks babe

 **whambamthankuham:** JOHN GET OUT OF THE SHOWER ELIZA IS STEALING ALL THE BLANKETS

 **heavens2betsey:** Noah Fence but i want to be a blanket burrito will you please tuck the ends of my feet in

 **whambamthankuham:** THAT’S SO FUNNY OF COURSE I’LL TUCK YOU IN

 **turtle:** scoot over

 **heavens2betsey:** can i be in the middle

 **whambamthankuham:** yes

 **turtle:** why is it so cold in here

 **whambamthankuham:** why are u putting your bare ass on the sheets

 **turtle:** UR BARE ASS IS ON THE SHEETS ALL THE TIME FUCK OFF ALEX

 **whambamthankuham:** i love you!!!

 **turtle:** wHATEVEr

 **heavens2betsey:** can u pls put my phone on the nightstand

 **heavens2betsey:** my hands don’t come far enough out of my burrito for typing to be comfortable

 **turtle:** HSFIJDIJSOJFSD SURE

 **whambamthankuham:** GOODNIGHT BEST OF WOMEN I LOVE YOU DEARLY

 **turtle:** LOVE U!!!

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** hello im awake

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY R U GETTING UP

 **heavens2betsey:** i want cereal

 **whambamthankuham:** oh ok

 **heavens2betsey:** brb

 **whambamthankuham:** WAI T NONONNON ELIZA NO

 **turtle:** alex what’d you do

 **whambamthankuham:** NONONONONONONON DON’T GO DON’T EAT THE SCERARL PTU THE BOX DOWN

 **heavens2betsey:** ALEXANDER HAMILTON

 **heavens2betsey:** OH I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU IN COLD BLOOD AND NO ONE IS GOING TO FIND YOUR BODY

 **turtle:** SHIT

 **turtle:** wHAT THE HELL

 **heavens2betsey:** I JUST OPENED THE LUCKY CHARMS

 **turtle:** WHAT WAS THAT NOISE OH MY GOD DID YOU THROW A BOWL

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA I CAN’T EXPRESS HOW SORRY I AM

 **heavens2betsey:** YOUR WORDS HAVE FAILED YOU NOW HUH

 **heavens2betsey:**  I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE LIGHT LEAVE YOUR EYES

 **heavens2betsey:** I’M GOING HOME FUCK YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA PLEASE

 **heavens2betsey:** NO

 **heavens2betsey:** WHERE ARE THE MARSHMALLOWS IN THE LUCKY CHARMS YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE

 **heavens2betsey:** DON’T ANSWER THAT!!! I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!! YOU ATE THEM ALL AND THEN YOU PUT THE OAT SHIT BACK IN THE BOX EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU NOT TO SNACK ON THEM

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU ARE SO TERRIBLE

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU SURVIVED THAT HURRICANE JUST TO HAVE YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND MURDER YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** EX GRILFIREND HW TH EHTEAHEL

 **heavens2betsey:** I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU

 **turtle:** please think this through you are clearly tired and too angry

 **heavens2betsey:** DON’T TEST ME JOHN

 **turtle:** i was kidding you are so right yas girl dump alex

 **heavens2betsey:** IHATE YOU SO MUCH

 **heavens2betsey:** I’M SO MAD

 **heavens2betsey** _has left the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** there’s a moment you know that you’re totally fucked

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU GUYS I FUCKED UP

 **angel(ica):** lol what’s new?

 **h0rsefucker:** SAME

 **lagayette:** what’d you do petit lion

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA FOUND OUT THAT I ATE ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS OUT OF THE LUCKY CHARMS AND SHE BROK E UP WITH ME AND BROKE MY CEREAL BOWL AND LEFT ME ALONE IN MY APARTMENT WITH MY SINS

 **turtle:** im still here ur not alone

 **whambamthankuham:** LIKE I SAID IM TOTALLY ALONE

 **turtle:** fuck you

 **angel(ica):** congratulations

 **whambamthankuham:** PLEASE DON’T ROAST ME FOR THIS

 **angel(ica):** like i said, congratulations

 **angel(ica):** you have invented a new kind of stupid

 **angel(ica):** damage you can never undo kinda stupid

 **angel(ica):** an open all the cages in the zoo kinda stupid

 **angel(ica):** truly, you didn’t think this through kinda stupid

 **angel(ica):** so scared of what your enemies will to do you YOU’RE the only enemy you ever seem to lose to

 **angel(ica):** do you know why jefferson can do what he wants?

 **whambamthankuham:** PLEASE DON’T

 **angel(ica):** he doesn’t dignify schoolyard taunts with a response

 **turtle:** OH SHIT

 **angel(ica):** so yeah you’ve re-defined your legacy

 **angel(ica):** CONGRATULATIONS

 **angel(ica):** i was typing and realized i didn’t have a rhyme for life so i had to stop there sorry lmao

 **h0rsefucker:** IC AN’T BELIVEE THIS

 **turtle:** someone please get alex an ice pack

 **margaritaville:** you guys IM GAY dolley is SO CUTE

 **angel(ica):** peggy now is not the time

 **margaritaville:** BUT IM GAY!!

 **angel(ica):** read the messages

 **margaritaville:** K

 **margaritaville:** ELIZA OH MY OGOD

 **margaritaville:** DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO STOP CONFIDING IN HAMILTON :(

 **heavens2betsey:** you don’t HAVE to do anything

 **margaritaville:** I WAS KIDDING eliza is God therefore hamilton and i aren’t best friends anymore

 **heavens2betsey:** another convert to The Order Of Eliza

 **margaritaville:** can i be a High Priest

 **angel(ica):** YES WE CAN BE HIGH PRIESTS TOGETHER

 **lagayette:** WTF I WANT IN

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m sorry to party crash but

 **theOGgeorge:** I FOUND JOHN ADAMS ON GRINDR

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU WAHT

 **turtle:** YOU WAHATTT

 **lagayette:** YOU WHAT

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY WERE YOU ON GRINDR??? COME OVER I’M NOT BUSY???

 **heavens2betsey:** this is why i don’t want to date you

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF ARE YOU SERIOUS IM SORRY I FORGOTWHAT SITUATION WE WERE IN

 **lagayette:** alex why are you so thirsty you get fucked all the time

 **lagayette:** you fuck yourself OVER AND OVER AND OVER

 **lagayette:** you mess up so bad that you might as well have your own cock up your ass

 **whambamthankuham:** OH MY GOD STOP

 **angel(ica):** SHTU THE FUCK UP LET GEORGE TALK

 **theOGgeorge:** OK SO I WAS ON GRINDR SCROLLING AND LIKE

 **theOGgeorge:** HIS PROFILE SAYS HE IS A BEAR

 **theOGgeorge:** AND I WAS LIKE “JOHN ADAMS?? THAT CAN’T BE?? THAT’S THAT LITTLE GUY THAT SPOKE TO ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO??”

 **angel(ica):** what was it??

 **theOGgeorge:** ‘05

 **margaritaville:** THAT POOR MAN YOU’RE GOING TO EAT HIM ALIVE

 **h0rsefucker:** SENATOR JOHN ADAMS?? GOOD LUCK!

 **angel(ica):** are you gonna meet up

 **theOGgeorge:** NO?? I CAN’T HAVE SEX WTIH JOHN ADAMS

 **whambamthankuham:** cause he’s a fat motherfucker

 **theOGgeorge:** No?? He’s just...he has all these weird opinions on free speech and what you should be allowed to say about the president, and as someone who is a part of a monarchy,,,, I have my doubts about him,,

 **margaritaville:** boy you oughta dine n dash

 **lagayette:** YES

 **theOGgeorge:** Is this gay sex slang that I don’t know about yet

 **margaritaville:** it’s when you eat ass and then steal their food and leave immediately while they’re in the bathroom after they orgasm

 **lagayette:** DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT UP

 **margaritaville:** YES BUT IT SOUNDS GOOD DOESN’T IT

 **h0rsefucker:** i used to do that ALL THE TIME

 **theOGgeorge:** MESSED UP

 **lagayette:** ok ay wait

 **lagayette:** what are the worst sexual things you have ever done

 **lagayette:** like it can be a rude thing like dining and dashing or just like fucked up like you jacked off to t bone steak

 **theOGgeorge:** I did once jack off to a picture of myself

 **margaritaville:** it’s ok me too

 **angel(ica):** wHTAT THE FHELL

 **whambamthankuham:** sometimes i get turned on by how good my own writing is

 **heavens2betsey:** UGH YOU WOULD

 **whambamthankuham:** it’s actually REALLY bad once i was in class doing a timed essay and my conclusion was so good that i got a boner and had to walk up to the front of the class while i was Erect™ to turn it in

 **lagayette:** WE WERE IN THE CLASS TOGETHER I CAN CONFIRM THIS IT’S JUST AS FUNNY AS IT SOUNDS

 **h0rsefucker:** YES  ANSD THE PROF WAS LIKE STARING AT HIM AND HE HAD TO DOA WA LK OF SHAME OUT OF A CROWDED LECTUR E HALL AODISJFIOSDJI

 **jmadisin:** FUFIKCINIGNIG HELL

 **turtle:** once i really wasn’t feeling it with this guy so i pretended that i had just died and he believed me he was like shaking me and saying my name and then he apologized a bunch and ran out of the room to call an ambulance and i sat up, grabbed my shit, and climbed out the fire escape in my underwear

 **h0rsefucker:** THATSFIASDHOADHAHSDCOAJDI A THAT S ME AS FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT THE HELL

 **h0rsefucker:** laf says ‘oui oui’ when they climax

 **lagayette:** hercules is into bondage

 **h0rsefucker:** WHT THE FUCK THAT’S WAY MORE MEBARARSSING WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

 **angel(ica):** I CAN’T RBEATEH

 **angel(ica):** STOP

 **lagayette:** also herc once dated someone he DIDN’T LIKE for three months because the seams on their cosplay were flawless and he was turned on by their sewing

 **h0rsefucker:** LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

 **jmadisin:** as a simple Ace™ im not qualified to comment BUT the first time thomas took his shirt off in front of me i cried because he’s so ripped

 **angel(ica):** ME

 **lagayette:** ME

 **angel(ica):** YES ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE JEFFERSON’D CLUB PLEASE STAND UP

 **jmadisin:** is that a thing can i be in it

 **angel(ica):** BABY YOU CAN BE THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF IT

 **lagayette:** 8FYASODFHAIOSDJA

 **h0rsefucker:** madiSIN we’re all in this together the first time i saw laf shirtless i cried so hard that we had to stop making out

 **lagayette:** i was that ugly

 **h0rsefucker:** shut the fuck up

 **h0rsefucker:** laf is on some greek god shit y’all i can’t explain

 **angel(ica):** please DON’T explain

 **lagayette:** IT WAS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY LIKE IT WASN’T LIKE HE BURST INTO TEARS HE JUST STARTED SNIFFLING AND I WAS LIKE “oh it’s allergies” SO I PULLED BACK TO ASK IF HE NEEDED LIKE? CLARITIN OR SOMETHING AND THEN HE STARTED CYRING FOR REAL AND HE WAS LIKE “you’re just so beaUTIFUL…” ADN THEN CONTINUED TO SOB

 **jmadisin:** that’s actually really sweet in an weird way??

 **theOGgeorge:** Goals

 **theOGgeorge:** I think y’all already know THAT interesting thing that happened to me during sex

 **turtle:** LMFAO YES

 **heavens2betsey:** NEVER FORGET #DADDYGATE

 **margaritaville:** HOLYS HTI

 **lagayette:** #DADDYGATE #PASSITON

 **h0rsefucker:** #DADDYGATE

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **grgwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** #daddygate

 **grgwshngturnt:** #neverforget #daddygate #ItWillLiveInOurHeartsForever

 **theOGgeorge:** FUCKING HELL

 **margaritaville:** george ilysm

 **grgwshngturnt:** Wtf does ‘ilysm’ mean

 **grgwshngturnt:** ‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’???

 **margaritaville** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT IS DADDYGATE?? GEORGE WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??

 **theOGgeorge:** IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING SWEETHEART DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

 **grgwshngturnt:** Remember when Lafayette called me daddy

 **grgwshngturnt:** Can we make that a part of #daddygate?

 **margaritaville:** GEORGE 1. IT MEANS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND 2. YES #DADDYGATETHESEQUEL

 **heavens2betsey:** DADDY GATE: DADDY DRIFT

 **turtle:** did you do daddy drift so it would be like fast and furious: tokyo drift

 **heavens2betsey:**...yes

 **jmadisin:** WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN IM LAUGHIGN SO HARD

-o-

 **theOGgeorge** _has added_ **jmadisin** _,_ **turtle** _,_ **margaritaville** _,_ **angel(ica)** _,_ **heavens2betsey** _,_ **grgwshngturnt** _,_ **lagayette** _, and_ **h0rsefucker** _to the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **theOGgeorge:** A while ago, Laurens made a squad chat where we could secretly share the problematic stuff we’ve seen Hamilton do

 **theOGgeorge:** When we had sex, he called me daddy. BUT he didn’t realize it, so I had to pretend like it never happened.

 **lagayette:** AND HE LIIIIKKKKEEEDDDD ITTTT

 **theOGgeorge:** PLEASE SHUT UP GILBERT I WILL NOT BE JUDGED FOR THIS I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES AND THEY BLEED OVER INTO PARTS OF MY LIFE THAT I WISH THEY DIDN’T

 **lagayette:** sorrryyyy

 **jmadisin:** IS IT A MEME NOW

 **theOGgeorge:** YES BUT HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS HE STILL DOESN’T KNOW

 **jmadisin:** I LOVE THIS

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **jmadisin:** #daddygate

 **whambamthankuham:** JAMES IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS YOU ARE LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO TELL ME

 **jmadisin:** #daddygateislikefightclub #ifyouknowaboutityoudonttalkaboutit

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU DID NOT NEED TO HASHTAG THAT

 **heavens2betsey:** #bushdiddaddygate

 **whambamthankuham:** PLEASE

 **grgwshngturnt:** *Councilman Jamm voice* We are gonna turn this into a TOTAL witch hunt. Let’s blow it WAY out of proportion.

 **whambamthankuham:** I HATE YOU ALL

 **jmadisin:** can we talk about how gwash has seen parks n rec tho

 **turtle:** he binged it one weekend it was so funny

 **turtle:** me and alex and laf left him alone in his office on friday night and we came back monday morning and he was still in there

 **turtle:** but we thought his door was closed because he came in early

 **turtle:** so we didn’t do anything

 **turtle:** and then we came back on tuesday and he was STILL IN HIS OFFICE

 **turtle:** we opened the door on thursday after martha emailed us in a panic to find him sitting on the floor surrounded by tissues whispering “leslie loves you so much ann why are you doing this”

 **whambamthankuham:** i will never forget that

 **lagayette:** the smell was...i have no words for it

 **grgwshngturnt:** LEAVE ME ALONE.

 **grgwshngturnt:** I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

 **grgwshngturnt:** ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS LOVE AND RESPECT YOU! AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?

 **theOGgeorge:** OTHER GEORGE, YOU CANNOT HAVE MY MEME

 **grgwshngturnt:** MEMES ARE FOR US ALL, YOU MONARCHIST PIECE OF SHIT.

 **whambamthankuham:** GEORGES STOP FIGHTING

 **lagayette:** this is REALLY hot

 **grgwshngturnt:** Lafayette, you realize that I can see your messages, right?

 **lagayette:** BYE

 **theOGgeorge:** #daddygatethesequel

 **h0rsefucker:** #fastandfuriousdaddy

 **heavens2betsey:** y’all what are we doing with our lives

 **grgwshngturnt:** I have a career and a beautiful wife

 **grgwshngturnt:** If I want to take part in a meme I WILL

 **grgwshngturnt:** I am successful and secure

 **lagayette:** aren’t you fucking von steuben on the side

 **grgwshngturnt** _has left the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **lagayette:** I FUCKIN KNEW IT

 **lagayette:** GOD WHY WON’T GWASH FUCK ME ON THE SIDE

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s because he knows you have daddy issues and he doesn’t want to be a part of it

 **lagayette:** why would you expose me like that

 **jmadisin:** you call your boss daddy i’m pretty sure you’ve already exposed yourself

 **lagayette:** WHATEVER

 **heavens2betsey:** angelica n peggy do u want to come to the store with me for cereal

 **margaritaville:** yeah

 **angel(ica):** yyeAH

 **theOGgeorge:** can i come

 **lagayette:** can i come

 **heavens2betsey:** yes george and laf you can come if you meet us there

 **lagayette:** ok send me ur location

 **heavens2betsey:** k

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA DO U REALLY HAT E ME NOW

 **heavens2betsey:** GTG

 **turtle:** tragic

 **h0rsefucker:** yOU GUYS CAN WE DOS OEMTHING THIS WEEKEND IM AT WORK AND I CAN’T COME TO THE GROCERY STORE

 **lagayette:** why are you always working

 **h0rsefucker:** you KNOW why im always working i run my own business

 **h0rsefucker:** why aren’t YOU ever working

 **lagayette:** i am head of french relations at GW’s office shut up i’m always working i’m french and i have relations

 **whambamthankuham:** lafayette doesn’t have a real job but GW pays them because he is afraid of their parents

 **lagayette:** I DO LOTS OF STUFF SHUT UP ALL YOU DO IS THROW PENCILS AROUND AND SIT OUTSIDE GW’S OFFICE DOOR READING YOUR DUMB MEMOS TO HIM

 **whambamthankuham:** i write all his speeches and emails and make all his appointments you can go FUCK YOURSELF, my buddy

 **h0rsefucker:** wait what does john do then

 **turtle:** my best

 **turtle:** jk im head of HR

 **turtle:** it sounds lame but actually i do a lot of work because my coworkers are people like alex and laf and they have no boundaries and can get sued for workplace harassment

 **whambamthankuham:** BYE

 **lagayette:** THE RULES DON’T BREAK ME I BREAK THE RULES

 **turtle:** mostly it’s von steuben coming in and asking me if he is allowed to bring his boyfriends in and me telling him no or von steuben asking if he is allowed to have sex in the office after hours and me telling him no and then him winking and then me trying to make it clear that i’m not kidding and then him winking again and then me giving up and hoping he just doesn’t do it on my desk

 **jmadisin:** PRAYER CIRCLE FIDUFIDUFOISIJFD

 **turtle:** i actually have to go into the office today

 **turtle:** there aren’t a lot of human resources complaints GW usually lets me go home early or do my work from home so i always tell people to just text me if they have a complaint

 **turtle:** but someone made an appointment and i actually have to put on pants and go in for those im sad

 **jmadisin:** RIP you :( you have to do your job

 **turtle:** i know u were being sarcastic but it is sad yes

 **heavens2betsey:** does anyone have any requests for food from the grocery store

 **whambamthankuham:** we’re out of lucky charms

 **heavens2betsey** _has removed_ **whambamthankuham** _from the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **turtle:** HDIFHAFSDIHI

 **heavens2betsey:** BYE

-o-

 **turtle** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _to the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **turtle:** YOU GUYS FUCIKSN

 **turtle:** FUCKING HELL SO I WENT INTO THE OFFICE FOR MY APPOINTMETN

 **turtle:** AND IT WAS THOMAS

 **jmadisin:** OH MY GOPD IT WAS??>?

 **turtle:** YES  AND I ASKE DHIM WHAT HE WANTED AND HE ASKE DIF HE WAS ALLLOWED TO VAPE IN THE OFIC IEHHNCI

 **lagayette:** FUCKIKGNINAGIOABNSDFAI;JDIANHDUSB

 **turtle:** I WAS TRYING TO KEEP A STRIAGHT FACE THE WHOLE TIME WHILE HE MADE THIS REALLY LONG PITCH ABOUT HOW SINCE PEOPLE WHO SMOKE CIGARETTES ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE BREAKS HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO VAPE AT HIS DESK

 **turtle:** IM IN TEARS

 **turtle:** HE’S STILL IN MY OFFICE I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TO SCREAM

 **jmadisin:** WHAT DID YOUT ELL HMIM

 **turtle:** I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IM S REMING

 **whambamthankuham:** just when i think jefferson can’t get aNY WORSE

 **turtle:** IM GOING BACK IN BYE

-o-

 **turtle:** FUCK ME UP

 **turtle:** i asked him very seriously what flavor the vape was and he was like “it’s strawberry shortcake…but i can change it !! i have a collection of flavors” so i asked him WHAT flavors he had specifically and he gave me a list of like FIFTEEN different ones

 **jmadisin:** hiohasdfnOINHAOSDBNOINH

 **lagayette:** IM SCMREING GNISGAONDASINC

 **turtle:** I TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS PROBABLY FINE BUT THAT HE’LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT HIS COWORKERS THINK BC I KNOW NO ONE WILL LET HIM DO IT BUT THIS WAY IM NOT THE BAD GUY

 **whambamthankuham:** GOD NOW HE’S GONNA BE SITTING AT HIS DESK SURROUNDED BY A CLOUD OF STRAWBERRY SMOKE AT ALL TIMES THIS IS THE WORST JOHN

 **turtle:** I THINK IT’LL BE FUNNY

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU WORK IN A DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING YOU WON’T HAVE TO SUFFER

 **turtle:** THAT’S TRUE

 **turtle:** THE MOTTO OF THE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT IS: “NOW IT’S SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM”

 **margaritaville:** you are the worst director ever

 **turtle:** YES I AM!

 **lagayette:** honestly someone should ask gw to fire jefferson i can’t be smelling strawberry shortcake all day please don’t do this to me

 **margaritaville:** YOU GUSY

 **margaritaville:** I AM,, A GAY

 **turtle:** WE GET IT PEGGY

 **margaritaville:** NO WE SAW DOLLEY AT THE STORE

 **lagayette:** YES WE DID SHE IS VERY PRETTY

 **angel(ica):** PEGGY TURNED RED VERY SLOWLY OVER THE COURSE OF THE CONVERSATION

 **heavens2betsey:** IT WAS SO FUNNY I ALMOST DIED

 **theOGgeorge:** I am almost certain that at one point they stopped breathing

 **margaritaville:** i did

 **theOGgeorge:** Knew it

 **h0rsefucker:** when r u just gonna ask dolley out

 **jmadisin:** dolley?

 **margaritaville:** yes

 **jmadisin:** dolley MADISON?

 **margaritaville:** ….yes. is she a relation of yours,.,,

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

 **jmadisin:** DOLLEY

 **dmadisin:** yes babe

 **jmadisin:** DO YOU KNOW PEGGY SCHUYLER

 **dmadisin:** yeah they’re super cute

 **jmadisin:** SCREAMS

-o-

 **jmadisin** _has added_ **dmadisin** _to the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **jmadisin:** DOLLEY IS MY WIFE

 **lagayette:** YOU WERE MARRIED?! WHAT THE FUCK

 **dmadisin:** WHAT THE HELL WHY’D YOU DRAG ME INTO THIS

 **margaritaville:** DOLELY WHTA THE FUKC

 **dmadisin:** PEGGY??

 **margaritaville:** DOLLEY??

 **heavens2betsey:** JANET?

 **lagayette:** DOCTOR SCOTT??

 **whambamthankuham:** BRAD?!

 **turtle:** JANET?!

 **h0rsefucker:** ROCKY!!

 **angel(ica):** DR SCOTT!!

 **dmadisin:** STOP WITH THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW REFERENCES THEY’RE NOT FUNNY

 **theOGgeorge:** SHREK?

 **margaritaville:** DONKEY!

 **jmadisin:** i hate y’all

 **angel(ica):** YOU WERE MARRIED???

 **jmadisin:** YES

 **dmadisin:** WE’RE S TILL TECHNICALLY MARRIED I GTG

 **jmadisin:** UIM SCREMAING

 **margaritaville:** EXPLAIN???

 **dmadisin:** UG H I HAT E TALKKING ABOUT THIS

 **jmadisin:** WHY WTF DO  YOU THINK IM  A BAD HUSBAND

 **jmadisin** _has added_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **jmadisin:** AM I A BAD BOYFRIEND

 **callmemacaroni:** of course not jemmy

 **jmadisin:** SO THERE

 **dmadisin:** IT WAS A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE IM CANADIAN PLEASE STOP :’’’’)

 **callmemacaroni:** was it

 **dmadisin:** first of all thomas i am from CANADA we’ve talked about how it’s LOW KEY RACIST for you to assume that im not from canada just because im vietnamese

 **callmemacaroni:** i gtg

 **margaritaville:** this is actually the biggest disaster i have ever seen

 **dmadisin:** well sORRY

 **margaritaville:** how canadian of u

 **dmadisin:** BYE PEGGY

 **callmemacaroni:** how is it the biggest disaster you’ve ever seen? we’ve all seen hamilton’s life

 **whambamthankuham:** madiSIN lock your boyfriend the fuck up

 **jmadisin:** LMFAO IT’S TRUE THO

 **theOGgeorge:** #daddygate

 **jmadisin:** #DADDYGATE

 **heavens2betsey:** #daddygate

 **margaritaville:** #daddygate

 **dmadisin:** #daddygate

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT DADDYGATE? WHAT IS THIS

 **callmemacaroni:** yeah what is it

 **turtle:** you absolutely cannot tell jefferson about #daddygate madisin

 **turtle:** i won’t allow the slander of my boyfriend to continue

 **jmadisin:** fine

 **jmadisin:** it’s only because it’s in the best interest of everyone

 **callmemacaroni:** WTF THE FUCK

 **callmemacaroni:** wait how come you and dolley have matching usernames but we don’t

 **dmadisin:** bc madison is my last name technically

 **jmadisin:** lmao

 **margaritaville:** im so lost

 **h0rsefucker:** what is happening here

 **dmadisin:** i’ll give you the short version

 **dmadisin:** due to a lot of complicated loopholes and shit i needed to marry someone and james thought it would be funny to have a wife to bring to family gatherings so he could pretend that he was straight for as long as possible so we got married

 **dmadisin:** and we were already really good friends so we tricked the immigration officer into thinking that we were actually in love

 **dmadisin:** nd then we just never divorced because we get tax breaks and insurance benefits and stuff

 **dmadisin:** but he does his own thing

 **callmemacaroni:** im his thing

 **dmadisin:** tru

 **dmadisin:** so im married but not REALLY

 **margaritaville:** wait so are you single or no??

 **dmadisin:** no im dating maria! u knew that right?

 **margaritaville:** haha yeah

 **lagayette:** how u say

 **lagayette:** yikes! yikes! yikes!

 **dmadisin:** why are u saying yikes

 **margaritaville:** bc they are stupid

 **lagayette:** SHUT UP PEGGY

 **margaritaville:** LMAO

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

 **whambamthankuham:** DID U KNOW DOLLEY WAS DATING MARIA

 **margaritaville:** GTG

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **callmemacaroni:** okay but i want a matching username

 **dmadisin:** ur not a madisin u can’t have one

 **jmadisin:** madiSINs unite

 **dmadisin:** R I S E

 **callmemacaroni:** this is so toxic

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **theOGgeorge:** I’M TRYING NOT TO SAY ANYTNIGN ABOUT THE VAPE I CNA’T BRETHE

 **turtle:** BE STRONG

 **theOGgeorge:** THIS IS HARDER THAN WHEN MY FATHER FILLED HIS FAVORITE CUP FROM HIS SET OF ABELIA PATTERNED CHINA WITH DOM PERIGNON AND MADE ME HOLD IT FOR AN HOUR ON MY HEAD TO IMPROVE MY POSTURE

 **turtle:** ….dude your weird rich people experiences are not universal

 **lagayette:** this is wild

 **h0rsefucker:** can we talk about the fact that peggy didn’t know that dolley was dating maria

 **margaritaville:**  can we NOT talk about that

 **turtle:** P.S. eliza r u still at the grocery store or do u wanna come back over and eat pasta with me and alex

 **heavens2betsey:** we made george take us to dinner im still out :( srry

 **theOGgeorge:** Giving back to the common people once again. I’m a British Jay Gatsby!

 **angel(ica):** GEORGE PLS

 **angel(ica):** GET BACK IN THE MAIN CHAT THIS IS RIDICULOUS

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **jmadisin:** THOMAS YOU CAN’T HAVE A SIN NAME

 **tjefferSIN:** yes i can

 **margaritaville:** WTF MACARONI MAN CHANGE IT BACK IT WAS BETTER AS CALLMEMACARONI

 **tjefferSIN:** I JUST WANNA BE LOVED

 **dmadisin:** you didn’t even do it right the sin shouldn’t be capitalized it’s supposed to blend in with your last name

 **tjefferSIN:** WHY

 **dmadisin:** because sin changes you, but in a way that people would see only if they were actually looking for it

 **tjefferSIN:** that was...oddly deep…

 **theOGgeorge:** Like your sin of vaping

 **theOGgeorge:** People only notice it because you’re always surrounded by a cloud of fruity smoke

 **whambamthankuham:** like an 1800s navy sea captain at the front desk of a brothel

 **theOGgeorge:** IT’S CRAZY WE FINISH EACH OTHER’S

 **whambamthankuham:** SEXUAL URGES!

 **theOGgeorge:** JINX! <3

 **whambamthankuham:** <3

 **dmadisin:**...what’s going on here

 **heavens2betsey:** we’re all working really hard to get our lives back on track ok

 **heavens2betsey:** the process of change has many steps

 **turtle:** im crying so much

 **angel(ica):** wait you guys we should take george out tonight

 **turtle:** i have plans :///

 **whambamthankuham:** me too :///

 **angel(ica):** what plans

 **turtle:** me and alex are gonna eat pasta together and watch the racoon in the alley behind our apartment take a nap

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah it’s gonna be great

 **theOGgeorge:** Yeah actually I’m REALLY tired

 **theOGgeorge:** Eliza bought like 25 boxes of Lucky Charms and made me carry them all

 **heavens2betsey:** WHATEVER

 **tjefferSIN:** I’M FREE!

 **angel(ica):**...anyway, since no one is free, do you wanna have a sibling night

 **tjefferSIN:** i SAID i was free

 **heavens2betsey:** what a terrible shame that literally no one is available :(

 **heavens2betsey:** anyway let’s do it

 **margaritaville:** FUCK YES

 **theOGgeorge:** WAIT WHY ARE ALL THREE OF YOU GETTING UP

 **lagayette:** it’s ok george they do this sometimes

 **lagayette:** if i had a dollar for every time the schuyler siblings communicated telepathically and disappeared in a cloud of three separate perfumes that complement each other strangely well, i would have enough money to pay for all the tabs i’ve been left with

 **theOGgeorge:** AMAZING

 **theOGgeorge:** THAT’S ACTUALLY TRAGIC

 **margaritaville:** darling, stars never pay

 **heavens2betsey:** peggy we’ve been over that you can’t use that as an excuse

 **margaritaville:** then how do i get guac for free at every chipotle i go to? answer me THAT

 **angel(ica):** WHAT THE FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** okay, maybe you CAN use that as an excuse

 **heavens2betsey:** BUT NOT ALL THE TIME

 **margaritaville:** yeah obviously not all the time

 **angel(ica):** because that would be unethical

 **lagayette:** no because there’s some people that you just can’t manipulate and it’s better not to try in case they catch on and chase you out of the deli without letting you take your free pastrami

 **lagayette:** NOT THAT THAT’S HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!

 **margaritaville:** WTF LAF THAT’S HAPPENED TO YOU TOO??

 **lagayette:** YES!!

 **margaritaville:** OMG TWINS

 **lagayette:** <3

 **heavens2betsey:** OKAY IGNORING THAT

 **heavens2betsey:** WE’RE GOING NOW GOODBYE

 **jmadisin:** this has truly been a wild ride from start to finish

 **whambamthankuham:** WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DADDYGATE IS THOUGH IM YELLING SO MUCH

 **jmadisin** _,_ **turtle** _,_ **margaritaville** _,_ **angel(ica)** _,_ **heavens2betsey** _,_ **grgwshngturnt** _,_ **lagayette** _,_ **dmadisin** _,_ **theOGgeorge** _, and_ **h0rsefucker** _have left the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **tjefferSIN:** wtf

 **whambamthankuham:** change your username and stop trying to be cool jeffersin

 **tjefferSIN:** whatEVER

 **callmemacaroni:** i just wanna be LOVED

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you finish reading this, tweet me #daddygate. im @jamesmadisin and i want #daddygate to be a thing so bad. also prayer circle for peggy they just wanna be gay. PS sorry for tjeff's questionable comments about dolley's canadian birth--he is an asshole, and unfortunately, microaggressions would be the real tjeff's Brand. also yeah dolley is vietnamese just for future reference if u were curious. and james my smol son is ace if that was not clear. aLSO i am writing alex/george fic FOR REAL but i probably won't post it. you should come talk to me on twitter/tumblr if you want it tho, and i'll send you the docs link! OK THAT'S ALL BYE I LOVE YOU GONNA GO WRITE MORE THINGS NOW!


	12. the furry files

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with #daddygate, thomas being a sinner, james and dolley being exposed, and peggy struggling. now everyone is hype over lemonade, maria makes an appearance, and james madisin is the king of being problematic. (maria joins the squad and her username is @mariacarey)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL NO SHADE TO FURRIES IT'S JUST THAT WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE FRIEND WHO PULLS SHIT LIKE THIS AND I HAD TO DO IT. you don't know what im talking about rn but YOU WILL. I'M SORRY. okay also SO MANY OF YOU TWEETED ME #DADDYGATE i love you all mORE THAN LIFE. your comments are all so sweet, your tumblr messages are lovely, and your tweets are works of art. im @jamesmadisin on twitter and irltrash on tumblr just in case you missed it in all the other chapters and u wanna hmu cause i LOVE talking to you. and many thanks to ninayasjmin on twitter (am i getting ur UN right?) u always send the best live tweets of the chapters and they make my day. thank you to you all for supporting me while i keep doing?? whatever this is. this is like,, one of my favorite chapters...there's a lot going on and also there is HELLA foreshadowing LMFAO enjoy

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham** _has added_ **heavens2betsey** _to the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** have you seen my trail mix i can’t find it and im gonna be late for work

 **turtle:** by trail mix, do you mean the jumbo bag of m&ms you bought because regular trail mix has “too many nuts”

 **whambamthankuham:** WHATEVER

 **whambamthankuham:** HAVE YOU SEEN IT OR NOT

 **turtle:** no. did u leave it in the office? text GW

 **whambamthankuham:** k

 **whambamthankuham:** eliza r u still mad at me pls come over we miss u

 **heavens2betsey:** yes im still mad at u

 **whambamthankuham:** are we still “not dating”

 **heavens2betsey:** no i love you too much

 **heavens2betsey:** i don’t always LIKE you but i love you

 **heavens2betsey:** therefore i retract my statements that were said in a fit of rage and henceforth and forevermore we are dating

 **whambamthankuham:** YAS LORDT

 **heavens2betsey:** as a gesture of goodwill i am having marshmallows delivered to ur apartment later today

 **turtle:** he doesn’t deserve you eliza

 **heavens2betsey:** i know

 **whambamthankuham:** IM SCRMEAIGNANGING

 **whambamthankuham:** GOD IS GOOD TO ME A SINNER

 **turtle:** #blessup

 **whambamthankuham:** I LOVE YOU

 **heavens2betsey:** again, i know

 **turtle:** modern art

 **whambamthankuham:** K GOTTA GO NOW I NEED TO FIND MY TRAIL MIX BEFORE I GO TO WORK LOVE U ELIZA LOVE U JOHN

 **heavens2betsey:** STOP CALLING IT TRAIL MIX IT’S A BAG OF CANDY

 **whambamthankuham:** WHATEVER

-o-

 _1 New Message from:_ **A. Ham**

 **A . Ham:** SIR  
**G . Wash:** Yes?  
**A . Ham:** DID I LEAVE MY TRAIL MIX IN UR OFFICE  
**G . Wash:** You mean the bag of M &Ms you made me buy you because “all the trail mixes have more nuts than the set of a gay porno”?  
**A . Ham:** FINE YES THE M &Ms  
**G . Wash:** You left them on my desk, son. You can get them when you come in.  
**A . Ham:** DON’T CALL ME SON  
**A . Ham:** but thank u  
**A . Ham:** P.S. ARE U EVER GONNA FIRE LEE IM THINKING ABOUT SEEING HIS FACE TODAY AND I THINK IM GONNA THROW UP  
**G . Wash:** As long as Lee’s parents continue to contribute money to my campaigns, he will continue to blunder around my office making an ass of himself. Sorry.  
**A . Ham:** #SELLOUT  
**G . Wash:** #youlovemeanyway  
**A . Ham:** #CALLOUTOFTHECENTURY #thatstru  
**A . Ham:** #openyourofficedoorihave50newideasthatidreamtaboutlastnightandithinkwecanmakeapproximately48ofthemhappenlegally  
**G . Wash:** God help me.

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **angel(ica):** peggy can you please get out of the shower i just got done working out and i really need to get in there

 **heavens2betsey:** if they’re in the shower why would they be on their phone

 **angel(ica):** they’re ALWAYS on their phone

 **heavens2betsey:** tru

 **heavens2betsey:** speaking of showers, you know i love you both more than my own life but you can’t always crash in my apartment i haven’t had a quiet night to myself in like a month

 **angel(ica):** but i have nowhere to go ::::(((

 **heavens2betsey:** i KNEW u were gonna say that

 **angel(ica):** FINE then maybe i’ll just go ask madisin and jeffersin if i can go stay with them

 **heavens2betsey:** NEVER MIND

 **margaritaville:** yeah if you kick me out im going to move in with lafayette and you know the world isn’t big enough for the two of us

 **heavens2betsey:** WTF THE FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** me: i want a little time to myself so i can take a bath

 **heavens2betsey:** y’all: okay that’s fine guess i’ll go IMPALE myself ASS FIRST on a NUCLEAR LAUNCH MISSILE and suck vladimir putin’s DICK and print DEVALUING MONEY so the economy CRASHES IMMEDIATELY since you want to suggest such oUTLANDISH THINGS

 **margaritaville:** actually i’d eat putin’s ass but you were mostly on target

 **heavens2betsey:** this whole conversation is why God doesn’t talk to us anymore

 **angel(ica):** WHATEVER

 **angel(ica):** peggy since eliza HATES US do you want to go out tonight

 **angel(ica):** also if you’re going to stay in the shower you need to turn up cardi b louder because we can all hear you crying

 **heavens2betsey:** wHY AREY OOU CRYGIN

 **angel(ica):** ELIZA THEY’RE NAKED DON’T GOI IN THE BATHROOM

 **heavens2betsey:** sorRRY I PANICKED AND THOUGHT THEY SCRAPED THEIR KNEE OR SOMETHING

 **margaritaville:** eliza why are you such a MOM

 **heavens2betsey:** SHUT UP

 **heavens2betsey:** WHY ARE YOU CRYING?? IS SOMEONE BULLYING YOU AT SCHOOL?? WHAT’S GOING ON SWEETHEART YOU CAN TELL ME

 **heavens2betsey:** oh God… i AM a mom... this is terrible

 **margaritaville:** first of all, it’s summer and i’m taking a gap year, so no, i’m not getting bullied

 **margaritaville:** second of all, angelica i can play something else if you want

 **angel(ica):** cardi b is fine do u have washpoppin

 **margaritaville:** washpoppin is my damn ringtone of course i have it

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT’S GOING ON

 **margaritaville:** no i’m just gay ok

 **heavens2betsey:**...why r u crying then

 **margaritaville:** because i didn’t know that dolley was dating maria and im EMO now because i don’t know what im doing or where im going with my life and maybe im just going to be a couch surfer who has crushes on married women like dolley and makes out with B-list celebrities in leather bars forever and i’ll never do anything of value

 **angel(ica):** odd coming from someone who was voted most likely to be the president of the united states out of all the students at your school when you graduated but OK

 **margaritaville:** yeah but maybe that’s CHANGED maybe im lame now

 **heavens2betsey:** peggy come on now

 **heavens2betsey:** first of all you know that’s fake

 **heavens2betsey:** second of all my water bill is really high can you please cry while you towel off instead

 **margaritaville:** yes good looking out

 **heavens2betsey:** thx

 **margaritaville:** BUT UGH DOLLEY

 **angel(ica):** oh FUCK dolley

 **margaritaville:** :/ it’s not her fault she’s married and also dating someone

 **angel(ica):** no i meant fuck dolley like maybe if you have sex with her you’ll stop being sad

 **margaritaville:** ISJDFIJSI

 **heavens2betsey:** okay enough of this mass hysteria angelica you can go shower and peggy you need to get dressed because after i get back from work we’re gonna look over this five year plan i made for you

 **margaritaville:** what??

 **heavens2betsey:** alexander keeps a binder-maker on retainer in every major city and i drew up a five year plan for you years ago and had him print it

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s in the top drawer on my nightstand. it’s like a practical choose your own adventure book and it will prove to you that with your current intellectual status and trajectory the only way you have to go is up

 **margaritaville;** that’s so EMO

 **heavens2betsey:** angelica i made one for you too! it’s on the counter

 **angel(ica):** WHYY IS IT HOT IM SHRIEKING

 **heavens2betsey:** i reprinted it this morning because i had to plan for you winning a nobel peace prize someday

 **angel(ica):** GIRL WHY U ALWAYS BE WILDIN LIKE THIS

 **heavens2betsey:** SHUT UP I CARE OKAY

 **angel(ica):** that’s true you do care

 **angel(ica):** i love you eliza

 **margaritaville:** SAME

 **margaritaville:** i don’t know what my life is going to look like in 5 years but as long as we have each other i’m going to be just fine

 **margaritaville:** that said, i’m still mired in a swamp of anxiety so do you wanna do something later

 **angel(ica):** same to all of that

 **angel(ica):** once i get out of the shower we can have a picnic in the park or something

 **heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe the nerve of you couch surfers

 **heavens2betsey:** i have to go to my REAL JOB and pay REAL BILLS while y’all go have a picnic in the park ugh

 **margaritaville:** the trade off is financial stability

 **margaritaville:** speaking of which, can i have $20 just in case

 **heavens2betsey:** i hate you

 **heavens2betsey:**...there’s a $20 in my purse and a $10 on my nightstand, you should take both in case you need a cab or something goes wrong

 **angel(ica):** ELIZA IM ALGUGHIN SO HARD

 **angel(ica):** you: im NOT a mom and i hate you both

 **angel(ica):** you: just in case you scrape your knee and need a bandaid or ice cream here’s all my money

 **heavens2betsey:** just for that you can’t take the $10

 **margaritaville:** WTF WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FOR ANGELICA’S SINS?? THAT’S SO FUCKING UGLY?

 **heavens2betsey:** FINE u can take it but u can’t use it to buy anything for her

 **margaritaville:** deal

 **angel(ica):** FUCK Y’ALL

 **margaritaville:** eliza when you get off work let’s go to madisin’s cause jeffersin bought lemonade and i can probably ask jemmy if we can watch it there

 **angel(ica):** i read jeffersin and i was sad but then i saw lemonade and im 100% in

 **margaritaville:** so blessed 2 be a part of the black girl squad

 **angel(ica):** SAME

 **heavens2betsey:** yes we can do that but we gotta look at yr five year plan some other time then

 **margaritaville:** yes ok

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

 **margaritaville:** hi remember how u love me so much and im ur favorite person

 **jmadisin:**...i suppose

 **margaritaville:** can me and angel and ellie come watch lemonade at ur house

 **jmadisin:** yEAH

 **margaritaville:** YAS LORDT

 **jmadisin:** mmmm one problem tho,,,,,,,,,,,

 **jmadisin:** dolley is coming over tonight r u gonna be chill with seeing her?

 **margaritaville:** haha yeah? obviously? why would that be a problem for me

 **jmadisin:** it kind of seemed like you liked her

 **margaritaville:** LIKED her? HAHA MAN DON’T BE RIDICULOUS IM WRIST DEEP IN ANOTHER GIRL RN I’VE BEEN DOING SO MUCH SCISSORING YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL ME THE SEWING SECTION AT HOBBY LOBBYHAHA LIKED HER NO WAY

 **jmadisin:** …….

 **jmadisin:** ………………………..

 **margaritaville:** whatever james don’t give me that look

 **jmadisin:** *insert eye emoji here*

 **margaritaville:** YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET EMOJI KEYBOARDS EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE AN ANDROID WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE IT’S WEIRD WHEN YOU TYPE IT OUT LIKE THAT DUDE

 **jmadisin:** *middle finger emoji*

 **margaritaville:** FUCK OFF

 **jmadisin:** okay well. i mean if you want, i could try and find you someone else to date

 **margaritaville:** it’s okay bro i think the extent of my love life is going to be making out with rita ora

 **jmadisin:** YOU MADE OUT WITH BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR

 **margaritaville:** i thought rachel roy was becky with the good hair?

 **jmadisin:** THERE’S A NEW RUMOR THAT LEMONADE WAS SHADE @ RITA ORA THO PEGGY UR A LEGEND

 **margaritaville:** HOLY SHIT FOR REAL??

 **margaritaville:**...if that’s true, that means that jay z and i have made out with the same person

 **margaritaville:** and if THAT’S true then that means that since jay z has kissed beyonce before, i have technically also been in contact with beyonce’s mouth through jay z through rita ora??????????????????  
**margaritaville:** THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND

 **jmadisin:** you lost me after your second message but IM SCREAMING

 **margaritaville:** I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS I CHANGED MY MIND IM AMAZING

 **jmadisin:** you’re 19 how could you be having a midlife crisis

 **margaritaville:** shut up james im precocious

 **jmadisin:** LMFAO

 **jmadisin:** yeah well text me when you’re on your way over okay

 **margaritaville:** ok! it probably won’t be till later bc eliza has work but i’ll keep you posted

 **jmadisin:** k <3

 **margaritaville:** <3

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **lagayette:** YOU GUYS

 **margaritaville:** what

 **lagayette:** I BROKE MY GLASSES

 **h0rsefucker:** they did and they have been crying for five minutes about them

 **lagayette:** thEY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL

 **h0rsefucker:** STOP CRYING YOU JUST GOT IT UNDER CONTROL

 **h0rsefucker:** YOU CAN ORDER GLASSES OFF THE INTERNET IN LIKE TEN MINUTES PLEASE CALM DOWN

 **lagayette:** IM GONNA CRYYYY

 **h0rsefucker:** you are crying right now. im looking at u

 **lagayette:** IM IN DISTRESSSSS

 **h0rsefucker:** babe i literally have your backup glasses IN MY HANDS

 **lagayette:** that’s what’s so sAAADDD THEY;RE SO UGLY AND SQUARE I WANT MY TORTOISESHELL ROUND ONES THAT ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND INDIE™™™ IM SO UPSET

 **angel(ica):** this is so sad

 **lagayette:** I M SO UGLY NOW

 **lagayette:** I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THESE TERRIBLE SQUARE CONTRAPTIONS FUCK THAT I’LL JUST BE BLIND

-o-

 **h0rsefucker:** i am taking lafayette to the ER because they might have a concussion

 **h0rsefucker:** they refused to put on their glasses and promptly walked into a pole so hard that their forehead started bleeding and then fell over and hit the back of their head too and passed out for a second

 **angel(ica):** OH MY GOD

 **heavens2betsey:** IM SCRMEAING ARE THEY OIKAIY

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT IN THE FUCK

 **h0rsefucker:** they still aren’t wearing their glasses but im not going to push it for now

 **heavens2betsey:** HOLY FUCKING HELL

 **turtle:** HWHT TH RUEFKC

 **turtle:** I’M SCRMEING

 **heavens2betsey:** OH GOD OKA Y ARE YOU OKAY

 **h0rsefucker:** yes but i left the apartment unlocked

 **heavens2betsey:** OKAY I’LL GO LOCK UP FOR YOU AND IF YOU SEND ME LAFAYETTE’S PRESCRIPTION AND STUFF I CAN ORDER GLASSES FOR THEM AND PICK THEM UP

 **angel(ica):** and i’ll sit in the corner messaging you :( until i’ve tricked you into thinking that im a supportive friend

 **theOGgeorge:** I’ll pay for your ER visit if you want

 **h0rsefucker:** WHAT THE FUCKJSD

 **theOGgeorge:** Y’all are such a mess. This entire group needs a sugar daddy or something, I swear to God

 **theOGgeorge:** I have your back, dude

 **h0rserfucker:** IM SCREMAIGN

 **h0rsefucker:** I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH

 **angel(ica):** :) <3

 **turtle:** IM YELLING SO MUCH THOAISDFOJASDKL

 **jmadisin:** what mess did i come back to

 **jmadisin:** GEORGE WILL YOU BE MY SUGAR DADDY TOO

 **dmadisin:** shut up jemmy we all know jefferson is loaded let the poor people (aka me, a simple gay barista) have their turn

 **jmadisin:** no YOU shut up dolley you know i always deposit money into ur paypal on ur art blog using thomas’s credit card bc i love u leT GEORGE BE MY SUGAR DADDY IF HE WANTS TO

 **theOGgeorge:** M E S S.

 **dmadisin:** PLEASE...IM GAY

 **h0rsefucker:** BE QUIET DOLLEY MY SOULMATE IS DYING OVER HERE

 **dmadisin:** SHIT REALLY

 **h0rsefucker:** no we’re getting some aspirin and waiting in line

 **theOGgeorge:** hmu Herc

 **h0rsefucker:** #blessup

 **theOGgeorge:** Also I like how Dolley is like “I’M GAY” like OK no shit honey we’re ALL gay here

 **dmadisin:** JDOIFJSJDFSIJ

 **dmadisin:** shTU UP

 **jmadisin:** wait eliza always gave me a Straight vibe

 **heavens2betsey:** WOW RUDE

 **heavens2betsey:** ME, A SIMPLE GAY MOM, BEING INSULTED BY MY FAVORITE SON?? ME, THE GAYEST OF MOMS EVER, BEING CALLED A...A STRAIGHT?? HOW?? RUDE??

 **jmadisin:** jIDFOSJDFJIJSOIJD FOSRRY

 **jmadisin:** I LVOE YOU

 **whambamthankuham:**...tragic

 **heavens2betsey:** wOW… this is reverse homophobia

 **jmadisin:** how is it reverse homophobia if you’re actually gay

 **heavens2betsey:** because it’s not heterophobia because im not straight but it’s not homophobia because you THOUGHT i was straight

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s some kinda phobia im gonna sue you

 **jmadisin:** SCREMING

 **angel(ica):** as someone who roomed with eliza for her freshman year of college, i can confirm that the girl got more hoes than a phone book in tokyo

 **dmadisin:** IODJFOAIHFAOSIDHF

 **jmadisin:** FUCKING HELL

 **heavens2betsey:** IM ALUGHGIN OS HRD

 **theOGgeorge:** MESS

 **whambamthankuham:** true

 **turtle:** i think eliza is gayer than me but she is so subtle about it that she can pass like nobody’s business

 **heavens2betsey:** my skills include eating pussy like a champ while holding a heterosexual conversation about baseball scores over the phone

 **margaritaville:** THERE ARE TEARS… LEAVING MY EYES

 **angel(ica):** PUT THAT ON YOUR RESUME

 **heavens2betsey:** I MIGHT NOT BE ALLOWED TO WORK WITH KIDS ANYMORE OTHERWISE I WOULD

 **jmadisin:** IM SOBBIGN

 **theOGgeorge:** Eliza is a mess but the good kind of mess

 **theOGgeorge:** She’s like the mess that happens when you’re cleaning out your closet

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s chaotic but you know it leads to better things in the future

 **heavens2betsey:** aw george <33

 **whambamthankuham:** AND IF YA DON’T KNOW, NOW YA KNOW, MR. MADISIN

 **heavens2betsey:** let’s be real tho no one is gayer than john

 **margaritaville:** agreed

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah

 **theOGgeorge:** YEP

 **turtle:** BYEEE

 **heavens2betsey:** alexander is thirstier tho

 **turtle:** LMFAO

 **turtle:** SO TRUE IM CRYING

 **whambamthankuham:** what’s that song that’s like “i been everywhere man i been everywhere” bc that’s me as fuck

 **dmadisin:** I AGREE WITH OG OVER THERE THIS IS A MESS

 **theOGgeorge:** GOT EM!!!

 **angel(ica):** alex will steal your girl, steal your girl’s clothes, and then steal YOU in your girl’s clothes

 **turtle:** I HATE HOW TRUET AHT IS THAT’S SO UGLY

 **whambamthankuham:** that’s tru tho who hAVEN’T i fucked

 **dmadisin:** me??

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah that’s about it

 **whambamthankuham:** u and james obvi

 **jmadisin:** i remain Unsullied And Clean, A Clear Stream Surrounded By Rivers Of Mud,,

 **jmadisin:** In The Land Of Gods And Monsters, I Was An Angel

 **dmadisin:** shut up jemmy don’t think i forgot about how you used to be a furry

 **jmadisin:** I WANT A DIVORCE.

 **jmadisin** _has left the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **angel(ica):** IM LAUGHING SO AHRD PEGGY JUST SHOT LEMONADE OUT OF THEIR NOSE AT HIGH VELOCITY

 **margaritaville:** IM GOING TO PASS OUJT

 **theOGgeorge:** Wait

 **dmadisin:** BABY NO

 **dmadisin:** pLEASE TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT A FURRY IS

 **theOGgeorge:** Don’t be ridiculous lol of COURSE I know what a furry is

 **whambamthankuham:** okay come to GW’s office so we can google furries together it’s time you and i had the talk

 **theOGgeorge:**...okay.

 **angel(ica):** #dadilton

-o-

 **theOGgeorge:** Oh. My. God.

 **margaritaville:** NOOOO MY BABY SON KNOWS TOO MUCH NOW

 **heavens2betsey:** OH GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** Americans are insane

 **turtle:** george :)) sweaty :))) furries are everywhere :))

 **theOGgeorge:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **theOGgeorge:** THERE ARE NOT FURRIES IN ENGLAND

 **turtle:** :)) sweaty,,

 **theOGgeorge:** HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS COMMUNITY BEFOREHAND

 **theOGgeorge:** Do you

 **theOGgeorge:** Uh

 **theOGgeorge:** Do you think the government knows about furries

 **dmadisin:** UFCKKCSDIFJIS

 **angel(ica):** PEGGY JUST SHOT LEMONADE OUT OF THEIR NOSE AGAIN

 **dmadisin:** BOY WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT FURRIES LIKE THYE’RE A NATIONAL THREAT TO SECURITY IM ALUGGHIHGN SO HARD THEY’RE JUST SOME PEOPLE WHO LIKE DRESSING UP AS ANIMALSI THINK THE GOVERNMENT HAS BETTER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT

 **theOGgeorge** _has added_ **grgwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘I Like Suckin Ya Meat’**

 **theOGgeorge:** Do you know about furries?

 **grgwshngturnt:** Yes

 **grgwshngturnt:** If they want to fuck their mascot costumes, that’s their prerogative

 **grgwshngturnt:** This is America and we have other things to worry about, like global warming, and whether or not Cate Blanchett is actually talented or if she’s just tall.

 **grgwshngturnt:** AND Y’ALL CHANGE THE GROUP NAME I DON’T WANT MY SHAME IMMORTALIZED

 **dmadisin:** SOBBING

 **margaritaville** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** I LIKE HOW U ADDED GW LIKE HE SPEAKS FOR THE WHOLE US GOVERNMENT

 **grgwshngturnt:** Technically, I do

 **grgwshngturnt:** It’s not like the Republicans are doing anything anyway

 **whambamthankuham:** #WORD

 **turtle:** i love that you burn members of the local and state government and alex thinks it’s relatable since he’s a constitution fucker

 **turtle:** it’s the kind of niche meme humor that’s only funny to a certain subset of people and yet it’s wildly successful in this chat this is like that garlic meme that pops up on tumblr sometimes

 **angel(ica):** “WHEN THE RECIPE CALLS FOR ONE CLOVE OF GARLIC BUT YOU USE THREE BECAUSE NO ONE USES JUST ONE PIECE OF GARLIC”

 **heavens2betsey:** i hate that i know about that

 **theOGgeorge:** What’s the garlic meme

 **turtle:** i forgot y’all don’t use spices in england

 **theOGgeorge:** FUCK OFF

 **turtle:** U KNOW WHAT GEORGE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PUT BLACK BEANS, TACO SEASONING,  AND PLAIN MACARONI INTO A BOWL AND PRETENDED THAT IT WAS FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY BACKTALK FROM U OK POBRECITO

 **theOGgeorge:** I hate you

 **angel(ica):** #exposed

 **margaritaville:** y’all wildin non stop today and i love it

 **dmadisin:** i can’t believe thsi

 **dmadisin** _has added_ **jmadisin** _and_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **dmadisin:** jemmy why r u embarrassed of ur furry days

 **callmemacaroni:** HASHDHFHSDFHSDFHADSOHF ARE WE TALKING ABOUT JAMES’S DAYS AS A FURRY I THINK I HAVE PHOTOS

 **jmadisin:** fuck you thomas we’re breaking up and dolley i want a divorce

 **dmadisin:** AW HONEY NO

 **theOGgeorge:** What was your “fursona”

 **callmemacaroni:** A HEDGEHOG

 **grgwshngturnt:** Respect

 **dmadisin:** EJDFJSIDJFSIODF

 **whambamthankuham:** i remember this actually that was when we first started writing the federalist papers

 **dmadisin:** don’t just say that like it’s a thing that everybody knows about

 **whambamthankuham:** fedpapers.tumblr.com

 **whambamthankuham:** it’s a blog we have with john jay where we pick apart problematic legislature and stuff and reconstruct it to make it humane and effectual

 **whambamthankuham:** the plan was to write a total of 25 essays with the work divided evenly among the three of us but in the end we wrote EIGHTY FIVE essays

 **jmadisin:** john jay has written 5, i’ve written 29, and hamilton wrote tHE OTHER FIFTY ONE

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah so now that we’ve gotten up to so many posts we are just keeping it running as a blog where we talk shit about every problematic thing the government does

 **grgwshngturnt:** I reference it on the Congress floor sometimes tbh

 **turtle:** it’s a good read if you can get past how many times alex says fuck in each sentence

 **margaritaville:** me

 **turtle:** it starts off clean but by essay 35 you can see how done they all are

 **callmemacaroni:** i disagree with everything hamilton has ever done in his life besides dating eliza but my favorite is #45 where the phrase “FUCK THIS FUCKING COUNTRY AND THEIR FUCKING SHITTY GODDAMN FUCKING BULLSHIT FUCK IT FUCK IT ALL” shows up three times throughout

 **heavens2betsey:** OMG U APPROVE OF ME THAT’S SO CUTE

 **turtle:** excuse me?? did u mean ***eliza AND john ??

 **callmemacaroni:** no, no i definitely did not

 **turtle:** YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** THAT WAS JAY WE COLLABED ON THAT ONE SJDIJJDIFJ

 **whambamthankuham:** HE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING BUT I LOVE HIM ANYWAY MY SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC SON

 **whambamthankuham** _has added_ **jayz** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **whambamthankuham:** REMEMBER WHEN MADISIN WAS A FURRY

 **jayz:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **jayz:** YEEESSSSS

 **jmadisin:** this is so rude tbh

 **jayz:** GOT ME DEAD AF

 **jayz:** YOU WORE YOUR FURSUIT TO A MEETUP AT A COFFEE SHOP ONE TIME WHEN WE WERE WORKING ON ONE OF MY ESSAYS AND YOU WERE COMING STRAIGHT FROM A FURRY CONVENTION AND YOU TEXTED ME AND HAMILTON AND YOU WERE LIKE GUYS IM HERE AND WE WERE LIKE DUDE NO YOU AREN’T BUT LMAO SOMEONE IN A HEDGEHOG FURSUIT JUST WALKED IN AND YOU POPPED OFF YA HEAD AND I ABOUT PISSED MY PANTS IM SCREAMING

 **dmadisin:** STOOOOPPP

 **angel(ica):** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **theOGgeorge:** I NEED MY INHALER I'M GOING TO PASS OUT WHAT IS THIS

 **grgwshngturnt:** Messy. A. F.

 **jayz:** AND WE SAT WITH YOU FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING BUT YOU KNOCKED OVER HAMILTON’S COFFEE WITH YOUR PAWS AND THEN YOU POKED YOUR HAND OUT OF THE SUIT TO MOP IT UP AND HAMILTON FELL OUT OF HIS CHAIR SCREAM-LAUGHING

 **whambamthankuham:** I HAD A GOOSE EGG FOR A WEEK BECAUSE I FELL SO HARD FUCKKCCKSJSKJ

 **jmadisin:** look… just let this die ok

 **callmemacaroni** _has sent images:_ **receipts1.jpg** _,_ **receipts2.jpg** _,_ **receipts3.jpg**

 **angel(ica):** HOLY SHIT FUIKSCONIS

 **theOGgeorge:** Why are you wearing a T-shirt that says “I <3 FURRIES”  over your actual fursuit? I need to know why you insist on dragging yourself like this.

 **jmadisin:** I CAN’T TAKE THIS PERSECUTION

 **dmadisin** _has sent images:_ **overthehedge.jpg** _,_ **babysfirstconvention.jpg** _,_ **theevilslumbers.jpg**

 **whambamthankuham:** my favorite thing about that last one is that at one point, madisin slept in his fursuit. like he’s not just taking a nap. he’s IN HIS BED in the fursuit sleeping. i love it. thank you for sharing it with the world.

 **jayz:** FUKCKSKCJSDJAIJDIOJAS

 **dmadisin:** I THINK MARIA MIGHT HAVE SOME TOO

 **jmadisin:** STOPPP

 **margaritaville:** HAHA YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL ME MCDONALDS CAUSE IM LOVIN IT!

 **heavens2betsey:** ME

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

 **jmadisin:** PEGGY COME ON NOW

 **margaritaville:** STOPPPP IM JUST TRYING TO LIVE OK

 **jmadisin:** YOU ARE SO OBVIOUS I CAN’T TAKE THIS

 **margaritaville:** STOP IT YOU’RE BEING ANNOYING

 **jmadisin:** SAYS YOU

 **margaritaville:** BYEEE

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **dmadisin** _has added_ **mariacarey** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **dmadisin:** babe do u still have the receipts i sent u

 **mariacarey:** i have over 200 folders on my phone of blackmail material darling you’re gonna need to be more specific

 **dmadisin:** The Furry Files

 **mariacarey:** OIJASDFIOJAOFJS YAAAAAS

 **jmadisin:** maria..remember how u love me so much and u would never do anything to hurt me and we’re best friends

 **mariacarey:** might as well call me ben carson cause i have no recollection of that comment LMFAO GET REKT

 **mariacarey** _has sent images:_ **thefurryfiles1.jpg**

 **mariacarey:** a taste of the things i have stored away

 **jmadisin:** BLOCKED, BLOCKED, BLOCKED. ALL OF YOU ARE BLOCKED. NONE OF YOU ARE FREE OF SIN.

 **margaritaville:** says the furry.

 **jmadisin:** PEGGY I WILL EXPOSE YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS

 **margaritaville:** OMG JEMMY I WAS KIDDINGGGG ILYSMMMMMMM U ARE MY FAVORITEEEEEE AND OUR LOVE IS ETERNAL

 **jmadisin:** much better <3

 **margaritaville:** <3

 **turtle:** what kind of dirt can you possibly have on peggy i feel like whenever they do something problematic it’s so ridiculous that it’s not even bad

 **margaritaville:** keep thinking that and we won’t have a problem jlaw

 **turtle:** smh what have you done now

 **dmadisin:** YEAH WHAT

 **margaritaville:** hahah nothing,, i’ve done nothing wrong in my ENTIRE LIFE

 **theOGgeorge:** I CANSIOJFDOIAJFISAJDOS D STOP REVIVING THIS MEME

 **margaritaville:** LIKE MAGGIE SMITH AND MERYL STREEP IT WILL LIVE FOREVER

 **heavens2betsey:** what’s that one line from the help that’s like “whatchu done did now woman” cause that’s me @ you rn

 **margaritaville:** SUDDENLY YOU’RE ALL HARASSING ME IN THE TOWN SQUARE TRYING TO RUIN MY REPUTATION?? I WON’T HAVE IT I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED THAT IS NOT MY KINK

 **whambamthankuham:** WTF PEGGY STAY IN YOUR LANE DON’T YOU DRAG ME INTO THIS

 **margaritaville:** notice how i literally didn’t mention you at all and you exposed yourself anyway you really do have a humiliation kink my bruh

 **whambamthankuham:** IM IN TEARS WHAT HAVE I DONE

 **turtle:** alex ur a disgrace

 **callmemacaroni:** CALLED THAT SHIT

 **jayz:** madisin let’s write an expose on hamilton

 **jmadisin:** hamilsin

 **jayz:** GOT EMMMM

 **dmadisin:** BEAUTIFUL

 **mariacarey:** oh shit

 **mariacarey:** alexander hamilton is in this chat??

 **whambamthankuham:** maria??

 **mariacarey:** hi,

 **heavens2betsey:** explain?

 **turtle:** please?

 **mariacarey:** oops i’m late for hockey practice i have to go!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah GW is calling me

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’m literally not

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’m staying in my own lane for this. Some of y’all should follow my example :-)

 **angel(ica):** OUCHHH

 **h0rsefucker:** WE’RE BACK FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM

 **heavens2betsey:** HI IS LAF OK? I ALREADY SENT MY ASSISTANT TO LOCK UP YOUR HOUSE AND DROP OFF FOOD

 **h0rsefucker:** eliza you’re God

 **heavens2betsey:** i’ve heard that before

 **h0rsefucker:** i love you

 **heavens2betsey:** i love u toooOooOOoooOOo

 **h0rsefucker:** and yes laf is okay they have a bandage on their head and we’re gonna take the subway home

 **jmadisin:** use my uber code it’s ilovesin69

 **h0rsefucker:** #BLESSUP

 **h0rsefucker:** just not gonna mention the code then

 **jmadisin:** yeah i’d rather you didn’t

 **theOGgeorge:** Google search for definition of “mess”

 **theOGgeorge:** Definition: this chat

 **turtle:** if u hate it so much why u still in here tho

 **theOGgeorge:** :,,,,,,,,)))))))

 **grgwshngturnt:** WHAT DID I JUST SAY

 **turtle:** SORRY SIR

 **jmadisin:** are y’all gonna come over and watch lemonade though

 **heavens2betsey:** as soon as i get off work yes

 **h0rsefucker:** if i can move laf then maybe

 **angel(ica):** i’ll drag peggy’s hoe ass there by their roots if i have to

 **margaritaville:** girl please

 **angel(ica):** I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES OK I WANT THIS SO BAD

 **margaritaville:** IT WAS MY IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE

 **callmemacaroni:** jam u can’t just be inviting people over without asking me

 **jmadisin:** im the one who makes dinner i can invite whoever i want

 **margaritaville:** i love watching people in committed relationships fight it’s so thrilling

 **angel(ica):** SAME

 **margaritaville:** me, a messy bitch,, a lying scammer and a fraud who feeds off conflict

 **mariacarey:** IF THAT AIN’T ME.

 **dmadisin:** don’t out yourself like that

 **mariacarey:** BE QUIET DOLLEY

 **mariacarey:** HAVE YOU SEEN THAT TWEET THAT SAYS “I LOVE BEING ETHNICALLY AMBIGUOUS… IT MAKES IT EASIER FOR ME TO SCAM PEOPLE”

 **margaritaville:** GIRL THAT TWEET IS MY LIFE

 **mariacarey:** SAMMMEEE

 **mariacarey:** TWINS

 **margaritaville:** TWINSSSS

 **heavens2betsey:** same

 **whambamthankuham:** same

 **jayz:** same

 **theOGgeorge:** :,)

 **theOGgeorge:** I Am But A Simple White

 **margaritaville:** JDFIOADJSFISDIFOSJIF

 **margaritaville:** IT’S OK WE LOVE U

 **theOGgeorge:** :)

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

 **jmadisin:** ARE U MAKING FRIENDS WITH UR CRUSH’S GF IM SCREMAING

 **margaritaville:** next level gay i know right

 **margaritaville:** no ok but i went through maria’s twitter and really i have no reason to dislike her like. we could be good friends we have a lot in common

 **jmadisin:** the road you’re taking is higher than snoop dogg is rn i can’t believe this i genuinely thought u were gonna be petty

 **margaritaville:** I JSUT SAID I WAS A MESSY SCHEMING BITCH

 **margaritaville:** you THOUGHT i was gonna be petty,, but NO! it was a SCHEME! just like when people think im gonna be selfish HAHA SURPRISE I JUST DONATED 1.5 BILLION DOLLARS TO CHARITY! MOTHER TERESA’D YOUR ASS!

 **jmadisin:** not sure how it’s a scheme to donate 1.5 billion dollars to charity but im proud of you anyway?

 **margaritaville:** :,)

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** are we going to the Sins’ tonight

 **heavens2betsey:** yes

 **whambamthankuham:** k

 **whambamthankuham:** want me to pick u up from work? martha said we can use her backup car if john drives

 **heavens2betsey:** GOD BLESS MRS. WASHINGTURNT

 **turtle:** TRUE

 **heavens2betsey:** does she not trust u to drive

 **whambamthankuham:** she doesn’t trust me with ANYTHING after my sudden arboreal stop

 **turtle:** CALL IT WHAT IT IS IT’S A FUCKING BIKE ACCIDENT YOU CRASHED INTO A TREE YOU FOOL

 **whambamthankuham:** L E A V E M E A  L O N E

 **heavens2betsey:** UFUSICJADOIFJAIOSDJF

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

 **heavens2betsey:** i have a ride to the Sins’ place want me to pick y’all up when i get off work

 **angel(ica):** YAAAAAAAAAAAS

 **margaritaville:** YAAAAAAAAS

 **heavens2betsey:** i just have to finish writing this and then i’ll be on my way over with ham and john

 **margaritaville:** YEYYEYEYYAYAS

 **angel(ica):** YEYEYHAHSSSSSS

 **angel(ica):** what are you writing

 **heavens2betsey:** gtg

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **jmadisin:** do u want me to order food

 **turtle:** if jeffersin is gonna be vaping then no bc the strawberry scented smoke makes me ill and not in the fun way

 **callmemacaroni:** WHATEVER

 **jmadisin:** i have confiscated the vape after he did a trick called “farm 2 table”, in which he takes a vape hit and then spits a whole hard boiled egg out of his mouth along with smoke

 **dmadisin:** UCKC

 **turtle:** YOU PICKED A REAL WINNER MADISIN IM SCREAMING

 **whambamthankuham:** A FSDFADFAHDIFI

 **theOGgeorge:** Mess.

 **grgwshngturnt:** ^

 **grgwshngturnt:** Can I come

 **jmadisin:** YES

 **grgwshngturnt:** Can I bring Martha

 **jmadisin:** YEASSS MY MOM

 **whambamthankuham:** SAME

 **jmadisin:** OK SEE U ALL SOON  
**mariacarey:** r u gonna break out the fursuit tonight jemmy

 **jmadisin** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **mariacarey:** GOT. EM.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the farm 2 table vape trick is real pls watch it https://vine.co/v/iUuJnvEx1E1 . SORRY AGAIN FOR THE FURRY FILES I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS


	13. dear theodosia, you're a meme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with the squad watching beyonce's lemonade. now peggy makes a Mistake, theodosia always has her contour on fleek, burr (sir) is struggling, and as usual, hamilton ruins everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HELLO HELLO! first things first: a username refresher! if you've come this far, i'm sure u know who they all are, but i'll pop in the most recent additions/ones i don't use much so you don't forget. deartheo=theodosia burr (the old one), callmemacaroni=thomas jefferson, mariacarey=maria reynolds-madisin, yrobdntsrvnt=aaron burr (SIR). second of all, HELLO i'm sorry i've been away! it's been almost a month, i'm sorry, i love you, i have not forgotten you, i hope you're all well. i had final exams and then i started watching grey's anatomy and then i got a cold, which i'm still at the tail end of, and all of that makes an ugly equation that equals writer's block. don't spoil grey's for me in the comments, i'm only 2 seasons in (i have beef w/ mcdreamy and im in love with cristina n izzy). thank you v v V much for ur comments, which i will now be answering (as many as i can get to before i pass out cause of The Cold), and for ur tumblr messages, which i finally got around to answering. k get to reading let's talk later BYE I LOVE YOU (kudos to u if u catch my in the heights ref. i just can't stop with em, y'all.)

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** HELLO ladies and gentlemen and other people who don’t subscribe to the gender binary

 **margaritaville:** as you all know, im staying with ham and laurens this week

 **margaritaville:** i just want to make it known that the toothpaste and the lube are really close together in the bathroom and it was dark and i am suffering

 **theOGgeorge:** NO

 **margaritaville:** ANYWAY I WAS JUST WONDERING IF SOMEONE WOULD LIKE TO BRING MOUTHWASH OVER

 **margaritaville:** not because i put lube in my mouth, of course, but because i suffer from halitosis. so. you know.

 **jmadisin:** peggy u a straight up mess

 **margaritaville:** a gay up mess

 **jmadisin:** true

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s the middle of the night

 **margaritaville:** please

 **theOGgeorge:** IT’S LATE I’M A TOURIST IF I GO OUT NOW I’LL GET ROBBED SOMEONE WILL TAKE MY FANNY PACK

 **margaritaville:** ……

 **h0rsefucker:** is eliza awake

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ELIZA

 **h0rsefucker:** ok apparently not

 **h0rsefucker:** looks like I, the Dad Friend, must step in

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy get dressed i’ll come pick you up and you can stay with me and laf

 **h0rsefucker:** why do alex and john have lube in their bathroom but not. like. mouthwash

 **margaritaville:** I DNO’T KNOW

 **margaritaville:** HURRY PLS MY MOUTH IS STICKY

 **h0rsefucker:** my child...my sweet naive baby... rinse with warm water pls?? this is common sense

 **margaritaville:** IM RINSING

 **theOGgeorge:** Mess.

 **margaritaville:** THE THREE WORST PEOPLE EVER ARE UP WTF THE FUCK STOP DRAGGING ME IT’S DARK IN HERE

 **h0rsefucker:** put your phone away while you’re rinsing and shut up im the best person ever i am just a single dad trying to care for my kids

 **h0rsefucker:** i’m on my way

 **jmadisin:** herc is so responsible wtf bf goals

 **theOGgeorge:** I KNOW

 **theOGgeorge:** I AM BUT A SIMPLE MAN CHILD

 **callmemacaroni:** stay in your lane james

 **jmadisin:** WHAT THE HELL I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE AWAKE

 **margaritaville:** come on jemmy don’t you know that evil never sleeps

 **theOGgeorge:** I’M SCREAMING

 **callmemacaroni:** peggy i don’t like you

 **margaritaville:** that’s funny cause your mom said the opposite of that last night

 **callmemacaroni:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **callmemacaroni:** IT’S NOT FUNNY BECAUSE I REALLY TRULY BELIEVE THAT IF YOU WANTED TO HURT ME YOU’D FUCK MY MOM I CAN’T TELL IF IT’S A JOKE

 **margaritaville:** up to audience interpretation

 **callmemacaroni:** I HATE YOU

 **margaritaville:** this is too easy i’m not even going to make a joke this time you set yourself up for failure every time

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy stop bullying people im downstairs let’s go

 **margaritaville:** IM COMING

 **h0rsefucker:** which is presumably what thomas’s mom said last night

 **callmemacaroni:** WTF??

 **h0rsefucker:** sleep with one eye open tonight remember what happened the last time you tested my patience

 **jmadisin:** FUCK

 **margaritaville:** IM SCREMAING

 **margaritaville:** HERC ALWAYS HAS MY BACK GOD FORGIVES AND SAVES DAILY

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy is spitting mouthwash out my car window and it’s getting on the side of the door

 **jmadisin:** DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE DUDE

 **h0rsefucker:** we’re in traffic it’s ok

 **h0rsefucker:** alright everyone can go back to bed i have this wayward child under control

 **margaritaville:** now my breath is minty fresh so i can make out with lafayette when we get home

 **h0rsefucker:** GET OUT OF MY CAR

-o-

 **angel(ica):** why were y’all up at 2 am this is too much

 **angel(ica):** literally what a mess

 **lagayette:** HI!!!

 **angel(ica):** LAF MY BEAUTIFUL CHILD

 **angel(ica):** I MISSED U HOW ARE U AFTER UR CONCUSSION

 **lagayette:** im blind and ugly lol

 **lagayette:** my forehead is swollen still :,)

 **angel(ica):** :(( babe

 **angel(ica):** when your new glasses get in and you feel up to it we need to work out together i miss my running buddy

 **lagayette:** yES

 **whambamthankuham:** uGH...people who exercise,, and MOVE,,, disgusting honestly

 **angel(ica):** stay in your lane hamilton i’ve snatched your weave so many times this week your hairline is going to disappear even faster than it already is

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU IMPLIED YOU WOULDN’T DRAG ME AND THEN DRAGGED ME SO HARD SO FAST THAT YOU TOOK ME FOR A TOBOGGAN RIDE?? FAKE ASS FRIENDS ALL AROUND ME

 **whambamthankuham:** GOING FOR MY HAIRLINE IS HONESTLY SO FUCKING LOW

 **angel(ica):** u know it’s tru tho

 **whambamthankuham:** fake friends all around me

 **whambamthankuham:** aLSo PEGGY AND HERC DRAGGING JEFFERSON MY LIFE IS CHANGED IM BLESSED!!!!

 **lagayette:** u guys peggy is snoring RIGHT next to my ear

 **angel(ica):** I ALWAYS TELL THEM THAT THEY SNORE BUT THEY NEVER LISTEN

 **angel(ica):** wait why is peggy next to ur ear

 **lagayette:** after they accidentally brushed their teeth with lube bc of hamilton’s dumb ass, they came over and hercules let them sleep in our bed

 **whambamthankuham:** my favorite peggy meme is that we all treat them like they are a toddler and let them sleep in our beds and eat our food and live with us even though they literally never do anything

 **lagayette:** idk if u’ve ever watched peggy sleep up close but it’s like watching a kitten nap so it’s a fair trade off in my opinion

 **angel(ica):** TRUE

 **angel(ica):** hold on aaron is texting me what’s going on hamilton did u do something

 **angel(ica)** _has added_ **yrobdntsrvnt** _to the chat:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THEODOSIA HAD THE BABY!! I AM A DAD!

 **whambamthankuham:** i literally thought she gave birth to it like eight months ago

 **yrobdntsrvnt:**...Do you understand how pregnancy works

 **whambamthankuham:** IT JUST SEEMS LIKE SHE’S HAD IT FOR SO LONG

 **lagayette:** u may be a new DAD but u have always been a daddy

 **whambamthankuham:** LAF SFDJFUCSK

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** Wait you think I’m a daddy

 **lagayette:** shut up aaron you’re a father now this isn’t appropriate

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID IT A SECOND AGO HOW IS IT SUDDENLY INAPPROPRIATE

 **yrobdntsrvnt** _has added_ **deartheo** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THEO AM I A DADDY OR A DAD

 **deartheo:** right now the only thing you’re going to be is dead if you wake up the baby

 **angel(ica):** FUFFCK

 **angel(ica):** what r u naming them

 **deartheo:** it’s a girl and we r naming her theodosia jr

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** i thought we were gonna choose something else

 **deartheo:** im the one who suffered for this womb nugget aaron if i want my beautiful cinnamon roll to have matching names with me then i will gET MY WAY

 **deartheo:** she has her mother’s name but she has your eyes :)

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** AW

 **whambamthankuham:** GAG

 **deartheo:** just because im on bed rest doesn’t mean i can’t still kick your ass keep playin like that tho hamilton

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY IS EVERYONE BULLYIGN ME TODAY

 **heavens2betsey:** good morning

 **turtle:** alex just shook me awake to complain that he was getting bullied how’d he fuck up now

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT SUPPOSEDLY

 **heavens2betsey:** this just in: i’ve been awake for under a minute and alexander is already yelling in outrage in my ear

 **turtle:** does someone want to come pick me up i wanna go back to sleep and alex won’t Shut The Fuck Up

 **lagayette:** i’d come but herc is on my legs and peggy is on my shoulder so it’s a no from me

 **deartheo:** i am a MOM so no i can’t help sorry

 **whambamthankuham:** name ur baby stacy

 **deartheo:** why

 **whambamthankuham:** cause you’ve already got it goin on now u can be stacy’s mom

 **deartheo:** DFSFIJSFSIJD

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** no no no no

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** NO NO NO

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** NO.

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** FIRST YOU STOLE ALL MY FRIENDS FROM ME. THEN YOU TOOK ALL  THREE SCHUYLER SIBLINGS FROM ME. YOU WILL NOT HAVE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MOTHER OF MY CHILD. I WILL KILL YOU

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** GET IN YOUR LANE YOU CRUSTY PIECE OF SHIT

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** I CAN’T TAKE THIS TODAY

 **deartheo:** aaron bby r u having a nervous breakdown now

 **deartheo:** thank God this didn’t happen while i was in labor

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THIS IS TOO MCUH IM LEAVGING THIS EARTH

 **deartheo:** takin a stance on something at last i see

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** ur my wife stop draggin me like this

 **turtle:** MARRIAGE GOALS

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT COULD BE US BUT ALEXANDER IS LAME

 **turtle:** LMFAO REKT

 **whambamthankuham:** eliza and john just high fived over my head i’ve never felt so alone

 **deartheo:** when are y’all getting  married anyway

 **heavens2betsey:** when john learns how to cook and when alexander learns how to stop being TERRIBLE

 **deartheo:** fair

 **turtle:** EXCUSE ME?? I CAN COOK

 **heavens2betsey:** boy if u don’t

 **heavens2betsey:** u literally burnt a bowl of cereal last week

 **turtle:** DON’T @ ME

 **turtle:** I DON’T WANNA GET MARRIED ANYWAY

 **whambamthankuham:** you’ve proposed to me in your sleep 5 times in the past two weeks but alright

 **turtle:** honestly i only like you as a friend :/ im straigt :/ sorry

 **lagayette:** I SCREAM-LAUGHED SO LOUD THAT PEGGY AND HERCULES BOTH WOKE UP FUCKING HELL

 **deartheo:** A BEAUTIFUL JOKE JOHN

 **turtle:** STOP IM STRAIHGT

 **lagayette:** YOU CAN’T EVEN SPELL IT

 **turtle:** FUCK

 **margaritaville:** FUIJCSKLSK IMSTAIJSFIADIOFAIS

 **h0rsefucker:** “im straigt” SAME JOHN

 **turtle:** tag urself im straigt

 **deartheo:** im straihgt

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** i’m dead inside

 **h0rsefucker:** ME AGAIN ME ME ME ME ME MEME MEME ME

 **turtle:** im  hetersexual this is hetrerophobia

 **turtle:** FUCK

 **turlte:** HOLY SHTI DO I REALLY NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT

 **heavens2betsey:** IM LITERALLY SCREAMIGN SO LOUD

 **whambamthankuham:** WE KNOW WE CAN HEAR YOU

 **heavens2betsey:** shit sorry

 **callmemacaroni:** CAN YOU REALLY NOT SPELL IT

 **turtle:** heterusexual? hetorosexual? hoterosexual?

 **callmemacaroni:** fukCAUDFHADUIFH

 **dmadisin:** laurens you are a grown ass man

 **turtle:** don’t remind me im trying to forget

 **deartheo:** okay i am going now because i just MADE A HUMAN

 **deartheo:** HOW LIT IS THAT LMAO

 **heavens2betsey:** SEND PICS FIRST

 **deartheo** _has sent images:_ **lookatmychild.jpg** _,_ **shescuterthanme.jpg**

 **angel(ica):** THEO YOUR CONTOUR IS SLAYING STILL EVEN NOW??? HOW IN THE FCUCICK

 **deartheo:** OMG THANK YOU <333

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** damn right check my girl’s blending

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** that highlight just won’t quit

 **deartheo:** IM SCREAMIGN

 **heavens2betsey:** I LOVE YOUR EYESHADOW

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT SETTING SPRAY DO U USE

 **heavens2betsey:** oh and ur baby is SUPER CUTE TOO!

 **deartheo:** THANK YOU!!

 **dmadisin:** once james told me that my foundation didn’t match my neck and that i looked like a duracell battery so. i see your relationship goals and raise you MY marriage.

 **deartheo:** OH MY GOD FUFICSKSCLS

 **jmadisin:** :) love you

 **dmadisin:** you’re garbage

 **jmadisin:** :,)

 **mariacarey:** hOW COULD YOU EVER JAMES

 **mariacarey:** DOLLEY IS FLAWLESS

 **mariacarey:** EVERY INCH OF HER

 **mariacarey:** SHE EVEN HAS NICE ANKLES

 **mariacarey:** I’M GOING TO SUE YOU?? HOW DARE YOU

 **jmadisin:** we get it maria you’re a lesbian

 **mariacarey:** DISGUSTING GARBAGE

 **deartheo:** y’all a mess

 **deartheo:** bye

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** I’M A DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIN AT LIFE. BYE

 **deartheo:** he just yelled “I WIN AT LIFE” out loud and then tripped over his shoelaces and fell over LMFAO

 **deartheo:** it’s a good thing that we’re in the hospital because i can’t tell if he broke his nose or not

 **dmadisin:** #pray4burr

 **deartheo:** #boybye

 **heavens2betsey:** RIP

 **theOGgeorge:** good morning

 **theOGgeorge:** OMG WHAT A CUTE BABY

 **theOGgeorge:** I LOVE children

 **jmadisin:** don’t say it like that

 **theOGgeorge:** What do you mean

 **jmadisin:** IDK MAN IT JSUT SEEMS LIKE YOU?? MEANT IT LIKE YOU LIKE EATING CHILDREN OR SOMETHING

 **jmadisin:** YOU HAVE SUCH A WEIRD EVIL MONARCH VIBE BRUH I CAN’T FIGURE UR PERSONAL BRAND OUT

 **theOGgeorge:** Okay rude? Honestly? I’m just trying to chill?

 **theOGgeorge:** How dare you say I have a weird evil monarch vibe you fuckin furry

 **jmadisin:** LOOK

 **jmadisin:** SHISIODFJASID

 **whambamthankuham:** IM LAUGHING SO IHAHRD OSJDFSIOJ

 **whambamthankuham:** BOTH SIDES OF THIS ARGUMENT IM HOWLIGN

 **theOGgeorge:** I have never done ANYTHING wrong in my ENTIRE life.

 **whambamthankuham:** ME

 **whambamthankuham:** SAME WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE WRONG??

 **theOGgeorge:** Tbh Alex is so trashy that when he steps out of a car we call that shit littering so. That seems fake.

 **heavens2betsey:** I CHANGED MY IMIND WE CAN KEEP GEORGE

 **whambamthankuham:** honesTLY?? wHAT IN THE FUCK? I JUST SAID I LITERALLY HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE

 **theOGgeorge:** What do you call being born then

 **whambamthankuham:** STOP

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m kidding omg you’re perfect

 **theOGgeorge:** ly terrible

 **turtle:** IDJIFMASDIOF

 **theOGgeorge:** I’M KIDDING YOU’RE WONDERFUL

 **theOGgeorge:** ly awful

 **theOGgeorge:** I hope you die

 **theOGgeorge:** OF HAPPINESS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE LOVE IN YOUR LIFE

 **whambamthankuham:** ples...i have done nothing but LOVE and RESPECT YOU and THIS is how you repay me for EVERYTHING

 **theOGgeorge:** Slow down, Taylor Swift

 **whambamthankuham:** I LITERALLY HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU’RE GARBAGE?

 **theOGgeorge:** \-- which is something that John says every day when he realizes he has to wake up next to you for the rest of his life

 **turtle:** IAUJADSIOFHDAIOHFAD

 **turtle:** OHFAMY GOGD

 **angel(ica):** CHILL

 **angel(ica):** ELIZA YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET THEM FUCK

 **angel(ica):** ALEX AND GEORGE COMBINED HAVE LESS CHILL THAN PEGGY

 **margaritaville:** iM SORRY? EXCUSE ME? NO ONE HAS LESS CHILL THAN ME? I AM THE MOST CHILL-LESS EVER? FUCK YOU?

 **grgwshngturnt:** It’s not a compliment to have zero chill…

 **margaritaville:** LOOK

 **margaritaville:** HAVING NO CHILL IS MY PERSONAL BRAND I’VE NEVER BEEN RELAXED IN MY LIFE I POPPED OUT THE DAMN WOMB CAUSING DRAMA

 **lagayette:** UM

 **lagayette:** if ANYONE has no chill IT’S ME.

 **callmemacaroni:** all of y’all shut the FUCK up

 **callmemacaroni:** i am THE MOST dramatic and NONE OF YOU can beat me

 **heavens2betsey:** oh my God

 **heavens2betsey:** this is a mess

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA HAS TO JUDGE THIS CONTEST

 **heavens2betsey:** thsis is not a fuckeningnig contest? bruh find your chill

 **heavens2betsey:** fuck i just realized that you can’t

 **lagayette:** ELIZA AND GEORGE W YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHO HAS THE LEAST CHILL SINCE Y’ALL HAVE THE MOST CHILL

 **angel(ica):** that’s true once someone ran eliza’s foot over with their bike and broke her toe and she didn’t even cry she just blinked once and said “let’s go to the hospital” and popped an ibuprofen and then started walking to the car

 **lagayette:** never forget when george got shot in the shoulder and we were all like GEORGE ARE YOU DYING and he took a breath and went “well, that’s inconvenient.”

 **heavens2betsey:** george is the chillest

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’m dead

 **turtle:**...meanwhile, this morning alex splashed a little water on the hem of his shirt by accident and screamed MY LIFE IS OVER FUCK EVERYTHING I WISH I WAS DEAD THERE’S NO POINT NOTHING IS REAL

 **whambamthankuham:** SEE I HAVE NO CHILL

 **callmemacaroni:** TODAY A BREEZE HIT MY FACE AND I SCREAMED SO LOUD I HIT A HIGH F SO FUKCK YOU IM THE MOST CHILL-LESS

 **lagayette:** today i woke up and realized the crushing weight of existence was too much and tried to suffocate myself with a pillow

 **theOGgeorge:** IN MY APARTMENT AT HOME, I HAVE A BLACK VELVET CHAISE LOUNGE WITH A RED SILK SHROUD ON IT THAT I USE EXCLUSIVELY FOR WHEN I NEED TO WAIL DRAMATICALLY AND FAINT

 **margaritaville:** in comparison im not that chill-less i have totally normal behavior

 **grgwshngturnt:**...All this has done is make me REALLY worried for your mental health.

 **heavens2betsey:** none of you are the most dramatic you’re all secretly chill

 **lagayette:** THIS IS? HOW U SAY

 **lagayette:** WHA T IS IT IN ENGLISH

 **h0rsefucker:** the word you’re thinking of is fake

 **lagayette:** HOW’D YOU KNOW

 **h0rsefucker:** i always know

 **lagayette:** <3333

 **theOGgeorge:** ELIZA FINISH THIS PETTY CHARADE

 **heavens2betsey:** you’re all fake that’s all i have to say

 **heavens2betsey:** clean up your acts this is just sad

 **lagayette:** FUCK YOU ALL I HAVE NO CHILL AND I WON’T BE DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS.

 **h0rsefucker:** that’s right tell em babe

 **grgwshngturnt:** Anyway

 **grgwshngturnt:** Hamilton, are you coming into work today?

 **whambamthankuham:** YES IM SORRY IM LATE IM LITERALLY ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW :)

 **heavens2betsey:** he’s not

 **heavens2betsey:** he’s making out with john right now im looking at them

 **grgwshngturnt:** Why does he have his phone out

 **angel(ica):** ^

 **lagayette:** ^ a question we’ve been asking since forever

 **theOGgeorge:** When Alex and I had sex, he sent Chipotle a forty-five message long tweet thread about why they shouldn’t charge extra for guac because it contributes to the oppression of the proletariat

 **theOGgeorge:** Like. While my dick was in him.

 **jmadisin:** IM SCREAMING SO LOUD

 **whambamthankuham:** #proHOEletariat LMAO

 **heavens2betsey:** wow that’s my boyfriend

 **angel(ica):** sadly

 **margaritaville:** be quiet angelica we all know you used to be tryna ride that dick like it was the last cholera-free wagon on the oregon trail you fucking hypocrite

 **angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** say it peggy

 **margaritaville:** fine

 **margaritaville:** just because you CAN say something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD

 **heavens2betsey:** thank you

 **dmadisin:** HOLYF UCK

 **mariacarey:** peggy you have even less chill than i do what the hell

 **theOGgeorge:** I wish Peggy would teach me how to roast people

 **margaritaville:** i learned everything i know from angelica

 **margaritaville** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** i have a video on my phone of angelica roasting hamilton for one hour

 **angel(ica):** HFIOSDOJFIJS

 **angel(ica):** I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE

 **whambamthankuham:** I WANT TO KNOW WHAT U ROASTED ME FOR IM FLAWLESS WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME

 **angel(ica):** BOI

 **heavens2betsey** _has removed_ **whambamthankuham** _and_ **angel(ica)** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** don’t mind me just tryna head off the disaster before it happens

 **margaritaville:** anyway

 **margaritaville:** i can’t believe we all pretend that hamilton is an adult who can be reasonable when he keeps lube RIGHT NEXT to his toothpaste

 **heavens2betsey:** i don’t want to talk about how many toothbrushes i’ve thrown away because of that

 **h0rsefucker:** DJFISJFISD

 **h0rsefucker:** me and GW are the Dad Friends the rest of y’all are messes

 **lagayette:** confirmed

 **dmadisin:** confirmed

 **jmadisin:** confirmed

 **callmemacaroni:** NO I’M AN ADULT

 **jmadisin:** BOI

 **callmemacaroni:** NO IC HANGED  MY MIN D DON’T E X POSE ME

 **jmadisin:** thomas doesn’t know how to do his own laundry he has to get his t-shirts dry cleaned because he doesn’t get how to use the washing machine

 **callmemacaroni:** THAT’S SO RUDE IF YOU KNOW THAT I CNA’T WASH CLOTHES WHY DON’ T YOU TEACH ME

 **jmadisin:** WHY DON’T YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW??

 **callmemacaroni:** I HAD A MAID GROWING UP

 **jmadisin:** UGLY

 **h0rsefucker:** boy what in the fuck

 **h0rsefucker:** you can’t?? wash your own clothes?

 **theOGgeorge:** Haha how ridiculous

 **theOGgeorge:** Since we’re on this topic, what are your favorite strategies for. You know. Like, straining the soap and stuff.

 **heavens2betsey:** …

 **grgwshngturnt:** I have to go

 **grgwshngturnt:** The weight of adulthood is overwhelming me I can’t stop thinking about paying taxes and building my nest egg this is so horrifying you are all so young

 **grgwshngturnt** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** DO NEITHER OF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY

 **dmadisin:** JEMMY HOW ARE U DATING THIS FOOL

 **jmadisin:** have u seen his abs

 **dmadisin:** ok nvm

 **h0rsefucker:** OH MY GOD.

 **h0rsefucker:** I CAN’T TAKE THIS

 **h0rsefucker:** GEORGE AND JEFFERSON, YOU’RE COMING OVER TODAY WHEN I GET OFF WORK AND I’M GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO A LOAD OF LAUNDRY

 **h0rsefucker:** “STRAINING THE SOAP”

 **h0rsefucker:** YOU BOURGEOIS PIECES OF SHIT

 **h0rsefucker:** do you like. not know how to load the fucking dishwasher or WHAT

 **theOGgeorge:** Actually

 **h0rsefucker:** OH MY GOD

 **h0rsefucker:** OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IM OGING TO FAINT

 **lagayette:** herc just dropped his phone im screamING

 **deartheo:** hi i’m back

 **deartheo:** what are you children up to

 **h0rsefucker:** KG3 AND JEFFERSON DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY OR LOAD THE DISHWASHER

 **heavens2betsey:** Mom Friend To The Rescue

 **heavens2betsey:** what else are you confused about

 **callmemacaroni:** NOTHUIGN OK

 **theOGgeorge:** I can’t read a ruler or an analog clock

 **callmemacaroni:** :,) I can’t read maps

 **deartheo:** GOD NO

 **h0rsefucker** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** we can’t go on like this

 **heavens2betsey:** im staging a momtervention

 **callmemacaroni:** i always thought i’d just figure it out

 **deartheo:** AS SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY HAS A BABY RIGHT NOW THIS IS SINGULARLY APPALLING TO ME

 **jmadisin:** thank u eliza n herc for doing the Lord’s work

 **heavens2betsey:** u been slacking but that’s none of my business

 **jmadisin:** but should i really have to anticipate teaching my ADULT boyfriend how to do laundry

 **heavens2betsey:** loving someone is all about making accommodations

 **callmemacaroni:** right like how you love hamilton even though he's ugly and horrible

 **heavens2betsey:** yeah and like how james lets you keep opening your mouth even though we'd all rather be listening to iggy explain why becky is a racial slur because that'd be less painful

 **jmadisin:** OH MY GOD

 **dmadisin:** IM? YELLING

 **callmemacaroni:**...i ain't even know why u gotta roast me like that

 **heavens2betsey:** anyway i’ll will see u this afternoon hopefully you'll have your act together by then

 **deartheo:** one can only hope LMAO

 **callmemacaroni:** i feel so attacked

 **deartheo:** good

 **callmemacaroni:** JEMMY R U JUST GONNA LET ME BE DRAGG’T 2 HELL

 **jmadisin:** yes absolutely

 **callmemacaroni** _has left the group: **‘**_ **hamsquad’**

 **deartheo:** LMAOOOOO

-o-

 _You have entered the group: ‘_ **SCHUYLER SQUAD** ’

 **margaritaville:** SO. looks like i have a callback tomorrow for obama: an american musical

 **angel(ica):** OmG

 **angel(ica):** that's good right

 **margaritaville:** very

 **margaritaville:** im really nervous

 **angel(ica):** omg bby no

 **angel(ica):** u have a BEAUUUTTTIIIFFUUULLLLL voice ur gonna get in

 **margaritaville:** im so afraid

 **angel(ica):** well don't be

 **angel(ica):** i know ur gonna do so great

 **margaritaville:** i fucked up on my first audition tho

 **angel(ica):** but ur so good that they want u anyway

 **margaritaville:** we'll see

 **heavens2betsey:** HI SORRY I JSUST GOT OUT OF A MEETING

 **heavens2betsey:** UR GONNA SLAY OK

 **angel(ica):** do u wanna come sing ur song for me for practice?

 **margaritaville:** actually yes

 **heavens2betsey:** im #jealous i wish i was home

 **margaritaville:** it's ok when u get home i’ll sing it again

 **heavens2betsey:** YEEAAAASSSS

 **heavens2betsey:**  FUCK IT UPPPPP

 **margaritaville:** thank u for ur support it really really means a lot to me i love you both

 **angel(ica):** love u

 **heavens2betsey:** love u

 **margaritaville:** my heart is full i am blessed

 **angel(ica):** me when i found out McDonald's is making garlic fries

 **margaritaville:** oh shit now i want McDonald's

 **margaritaville:** can we go rn

 **angel(ica):** yessss

 **heavens2betsey:** GOALS

 **heavens2betsey:** i have a mason jar in the top left kitchen cabinet over the sink that has emergency food funds if u want

 **margaritaville:** it's ok imma call dad and see if he'll let me use his credit card

 **angel(ica):** have fun at work ellie

 **heavens2betsey:** being an adult is so ugly

 **margaritaville:** agreed

 **angel(ica):** agreed

 **margaritaville:** angelica are u legit wearing my crop top rn

 **angel(ica):** i look better in it

 **margaritaville:**...girl.

 **margaritaville:** eliza come home right now before i kill angelica

 **heavens2betsey:** y'all need to sort this out for urselves im busy rn

 **margaritaville:** WtF THE FCUCK

 **margaritaville:** fine you do look better in it you can wear it

 **angel(ica):**!!!! YAASSS

 **heavens2betsey:** the love is so real

 **heavens2betsey:** OK BYE

 **angel(ica):** BYE

 **margaritaville:** im suing you both for emotional trauma ByE

-o-

 **grgwshngturnt** _has added_ **heavens2betsey, turtle, jmadisin, dmadisin, theOGgeorge, margaritaville, angel(ica), h0rsefucker, lagayette,** _and_ **mariacarey** _to the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **grgwshngturnt:** I literally want to die

 **jmadisin:** why

 **grgwshngturnt:** OK so

 **grgwshngturnt:** I went into the kitchen at work today and Hamilton was in there

 **grgwshngturnt:** And he was trying to get a clean coffee mug down and he's so short so he like was trying to hop up on the counter and grab the shelf simultaneously

 **grgwshngturnt:** And he lost his balance and fucking YANKED THE WHOLE THING DOWN

 **grgwshngturnt:** SO ALL THE MUGS BROKE EXCEPT FOR ONE

 **grgwshngturnt:** AND I DON'T THINK HE SAW ME BECAUSE HE JUST LOOKED AROUND, BENT DOWN, GRABBED THE ONLY INTACT CUP, FILLED IT WITH COFFEE, AND SPRINTED OUT OF THE KITCHEN WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

 **turtle:** OH MY GOD.

 **grgwshngturnt:** NO BUT IT GETS WORSE

 **grgwshngturnt:** SO I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE AND CALL HIM IN THERE

 **grgwshngturnt:** HE COMES IN LOOKING TOTALLY NONCHALANT

 **grgwshngturnt:** AND I'M LIKE HEY CAN WE TALK AND HE IMMEDIATELY GOES “SIR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HEARD, BUT WHATEVER IT IS, JEFFERSON STARTED IT.”

 **jmadisin:** IM FUCKING SCREAMING

 **dmadisin:** that's literally me tbh

 **jmadisin:** that's true when dolley and i still lived together she was so bad at doing housework but any time i tried to ask her to like. do the dishes. she'd say “it's Jefferson's fault” and then lock me out of the bedroom

 **mariacarey:** SHE STILL DOES THAT

 **mariacarey:** I HAD TO CHANGE ALL THE LOCKS IN THE APARTMENT DOLLEY MADE ME INTO A TOOLBELT LESBIAN

 **dmadisin:** i don't think ur using toolbelt lesbian the way u think u are but alright

 **dmadisin:** ANYWAY IM A BARISTA IT'S MY JOB TO DO DISHES AND STUFF LET ME BE FILTHY AND DISGUSTING IN MY OWN HOME THIS IS INFRINGING ON MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

 **mariacarey:** you're a queer poor person of color dolley the government doesn't want you to have constitutional rights

 **grgwshngturnt:** WHAT A ZINGER

 **mariacarey:** SORRY GEORGE

 **mariacarey:** AND I AM NOT INFRINGING ON ANY OF UR RIGHTS BY ASKING U TO JUST NOT LEAVE UR DIRTY UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR ALL THETIME BUT OK

 **jmadisin:** does she still have all those pairs of wonder woman boyshorts

 **margaritaville:** YOU HAVE WW UNDERWEAR THAT'S HONESTLY SO GAY DOLLEY CAN U CHILL

 **dmadisin:** excuse?? Me?? THIS IS A DRAG CHAT FOR HAMILTON THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SUPERHERO UNDERWEAR!! LEAVE M E ALONE

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

 **jmadisin:** hope ur enjoying this convo bc u will never get close enough to see dolley’s underwear

 **margaritaville:** ONE MORE MESSAGE LIKE THIS AND UR GETTIN BLOCK’T, M8

 **jmadisin:** KDJDJSJSJ

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **grgwshngturnt:** RT if I should text Hamilton and see if he admits to the mug breaking

 **heavens2betsey:** RT

 **lagayette:** aw george :) look @ u learning how to use chat lingo it feels like just yesterday that we were teaching u what daddy meant

 **grgwshngturnt:** I'm still confused by that

 **lagayette:** why

 **h0rsefucker:** yeah why it honestly feels like one of ur requirements for ur employees is “must have daddy issues”

 **turtle:** I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING EXPOSED LIKE THAT

 **lagayette:** ^!!!!!!

 **jmadisin:** ^!!!!!!!

 **theOGgeorge:** I'M SCREAMING

 **grgwshngturnt:** Goodbye

 **h0rsefucker:** he's leaving bc he knows im right

 **dmadisin:** THIS IS WILD HONESTLY

 **margaritaville:** every conversation we have is so messy tbh

 **grgwshngturnt:** Okay, hold on, I'm gonna text him

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **grgwshngturnt**

 **grgwshngturnt:** Did you break the mugs

 **whambamthankuham:** Jefferson did it

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **grgwshngturnt** _has sent an image:_ **mmohmygod.jpg**

-o-

 _2 New Chats from:_ **grgwshngturnt**

 **grgwshngturnt:** I literally saw you

 **grgwshngturnt:** Do you want me to buy you a stepstool or something?? You can't keep doing this

 **whambamthankuham:** first of all im not short i am vertically oppressed

 **grgwshngturnt:** I hate you.

 **whambamthankuham:** that's such a rude thing to say to ur son :(

 **grgwshngturnt:** I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR DAD

 **whambamthankuham:** wow u sound just like my real dad

 **grgwshngturnt:** MYFKSJDJSHSBX I GTG RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **grgwshngturnt** _has sent an image:_ **receipts1.jpg**

 **grgwshngturnt:** I'M SAD NOW.

 **turtle:** that's tragic

 **lagayette:** what r u gonna do now

 **grgwshngturnt:** Well I can't ask him to clean up now

 **grgwshngturnt:** Brb

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **grgwshngturnt**

 **grgwshngturnt:** Someone broke all the mugs in the kitchen. Please come clean up. Thanks.

 **callmemacaroni:** IT WAS HAMILTON

 **grgwshngturnt:** I don't care who it was. Just get it done.

 **callmemacaroni:** this is so unfair

 **grgwshngturnt:** I'm sure your hands will be fine if you touch a broom.

 **callmemacaroni:** I'M ALLERGIC TO PLASTIC SUDDENLY

 **grgwshngturnt:** If you're allergic to plastic, then explain your nose.

_You can no longer message this user._

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **grgwshngturnt** _has sent an image:_ **draggt.jpg**

 **jmadisin:** IM SCREAMING DID HE BLOCK YIU

 **grgwshngturnt:** YeS DJDJDJDJSJSNJXKWLS

 **angel(ica):** IM GOING TO SCREAMM

 **lagayette:** FJFSIISJD ROASTED EHWHSJDSJW

 **lagayette:** THIS IS?? HOW U SAY? FLAMES AF

 **h0rsefucker:** it's  FIRE af

 **lagayette:** YES THAT'S WHAT I MEAN

 **turtle:** tag urself im flames af

 **theOGgeorge:** I'M JEFFERSON

 **mariacarey:** im gay

 **margaritaville:** THAT'S ME IM MARIA

 **mariacarey:** i wish i was u so i could be as cute as u

 **margaritaville:** that's funny i was just thinking the same thing about u

 **dmadisin:** slow down we get it ur gay

 **mariacarey:** LMAO U WILDIN THO

 **margaritaville:** :,,,)

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

 **jmadisin:** OH MY GOD PEGGY UR SO GAY I HATE U

 **margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **why-dont-we-have-both-taco-girl.jpg**

 **jmadisin:** STOP IF U DATEMY WIFE AND MY WIFE'S GIRLFRIEND AT THE SAME TIME IM LITERALLY GOING TO SCREAM

 **margaritaville:** U DON'T EVEN LIKE GIRLS UR GAY

 **jmadisin:** IT'S  A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE?? LEAVVE ME ALONE

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** y'all i got Washington SOOO GOOD lMAO

 **turtle:** what'd u do

 **whambamthankuham:** i broke like 70 mugs at work today and then i tricked him into thinking that jefferson did it and then i guilt tripped him about me being an orphan to get out of it

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘squad’**

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **receipts.jpg**

 **turtle:** HE IS SUCH GARBAGE WTF THR FCUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** DISGUSTING

-o-

 _You have entered the group: ‘_ **soulmates’**

 **turtle:** where's that meme that's like “u may not have anticipated it, but u have just become a passenger on my… R U S E C R U I S E” why is that u

 **whambamthankuham:** THAT'S SO SWEET XOXO I LOVE BEING A MEME

 **heavens2betsey:** we've discussed this u need to clean up ur messes

 **whambamthankuham:** :/ aren't u proud of me for being a #scammer

 **heavens2betsey:** no?? now george is going to have to buy more mugs for his office bc u won't admit that ur short

 **whambamthankuham:** im not short

 **heavens2betsey:** the problem here is not ur height it’s that u broke 70 fucking mugs but aight

 **whambamthankuham:** WHATEVER CLEARLY MY SUPREME TALENTS ARE GOING UNAPPRECIATED

 **turtle:** OK YEAH I CAN’T DO THIS ALEX YOU LITERALLY JUST BROKE A BUCNH OF CUPS THT’A S NOT  A TALEN TF UFCK

 **whambamthankuham:** literally whatever

 **heavens2betsey:**...anyway

 **heavens2betsey:** i have to go to herc’s to teach george and tjeff how to do laundry. are you gonna be ok for dinner tonight

 **whambamthankuham:** i’ll cook

 **turtle:** U DON’T COOK

 **whambamthankuham:** I’VE BEEN PRACTICING OK

 **turtle:** it’s gonna be fried ramen isn’t it

 **whambamthankuham:** i’ll have u know that i am using my abuela’s recipe

 **turtle:** u don’t have an abuela

 **whambamthankuham:** she’s not rlly my abuela but she practically raised me the kitchen is her escuela

 **turtle:** who is this that ur referring to

 **whambamthankuham:** it’s martha, im talking about martha

 **turtle:** DHFISJFIOSJ

 **whambamthankuham:** im gonna make chicken pot pie and it will be good and u will hate urself for doubting me, sweaty ;)

 **turtle:** ok whatever

 **heavens2betsey:** ok i love you both very much i’ll see you later tonight

 **whambamthankuham:** OK!! WE LOVE U

 **turtle:** love u if i don’t say anything in this chat after 2 hours then alex has burnt the house down rip me

 **whambamthankuham:** or we’re having sex

 **heavens2betsey:**...stick to the second option i really don’t want to come back and find that you’ve started a fire

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCKEINGING BYE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a trainwreck and it's messy and i know and i'm sorry. LIN IF UR READING THIS IM SORRY. im not sorry for the furry files, that was my best work. THIS IS GARBAGE THOUGH. p.s. to the anon who said they wanted to talk about modern au headcanons, AS U CAN TELL I GOT PLENTY, COME OFF ANON, LET'S TALK!!!!!! K LOVE YOU BYE


	14. ...anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with eliza trying to teach kg3 and tjeff how to read a ruler. now john has some really interesting theories about the president, peggy is stuck in a rut, and hercules is just doing his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HELLO HELLO i missed you. a couple of things: 1. i'm not on twitter right now so don't expect to find me there, hmu on tumblr temporarily instead. 2. thank u to enj, @OBLWAN_ on twitter, enjollrass on here (author of les amemes!!), for helping me make this chapter sound like a real thing. i am grateful for you. 3. i wrote a les mis fic based off of enj's les mis fic! go look at our stuff! 4. AHHH TONY AWARDS IM SO PROUD OF THE HAM CAST AND ALSO JASMINE'S DRESS KILLED ME!! 5. this chapter is spaced out over like a day and a half, im sorry if it's confusing, comment @ me if it is and i'll see if i can clear things up for u :)
> 
> okay sorry for my sporadic posting i'm in summer school rn so it looks like the updates are staying spaced out but! don't worry, i have not forgotten this fic or you and i am still working on it. i have big plans for it and i'm not going anywhere. i love you. thank you for reading. i'm going to try and answer a bunch of your comments now. see you in the end notes!! GO READ!

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**whambamthankuham:** im dat boi o shit waddup

 **turtle:** i love you

 **whambamthankuham:** i thought u were gonna block me for saying that actually this is nice

 **turtle:** ur so terrible

 **turtle:** i love you

 **whambamthankuham:** AW

 **whambamthankuham:** I LOVE YOU TOO BABE

 **heavens2betsey:** george knows how to read a ruler now

 **heavens2betsey:** who's the best

 **turtle:** U da best!!

 **heavens2betsey:** i am. i really am

 **heavens2betsey:** i had to teach him how to use it with the metric system AND the american system but it’s fine

 **heavens2betsey:** he’s fine

 **whambamthankuham:** BESTey

 **whambamthankuham:** am i onto something there??

 **heavens2betsey:** no

 **turtle:** uh uh

 **whambamthankuham:** ok whatever

 **whambamthankuham:** COME HOME!

 **turtle:** YES COME HOME

 **heavens2betsey:** IM ON MY WAY

 **whambamthankuham:** oh but no sex, peggy is still staying with us this week

 **heavens2betsey:** give them a copy of my apt key they can go be with angelica

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

**whambamthankuham:** clear out

 **margaritaville:** lemme guess u wanna have sex

 **whambamthankuham:** #exposed

 **margaritaville:** IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE HAHA HIGH FIVE

 **whambamthankuham:** LMAO

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**turtle:** why are you and peggy high fiving

 **whambamthankuham:** no reason :)

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

**whambamthankuham:** love u tho

 **margaritaville:** if me and angelica get into a fight im blaming u

 **whambamthankuham:** WHY R Y'ALL ALWAYS FIGHTING DON'T U HAVE A WEIRD SIBLING BLOOD PACT TO LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER

 **margaritaville:** we show our love by throwing down on the daily

 **whambamthankuham:** like me nd eliza

 **margaritaville:** no, eliza just thinks ur annoying. this is about real love.

 **whambamthankuham:** LEAVE MY HOUSE

 **margaritaville:** I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT

-o-

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA DO U THINK IM ANNOYING

 **turtle:** yes

 **whambamthankuham:** I! WAS! NOT! ASKING! YOU!

 **turtle:** KDNFJSJSJSJ

 **heavens2betsey:** i think you ask a lot from people, and they give it to you bc they love u

 **whambamthankuham:** NOT AN ANSWER

 **whambamthankuham:** AM I ANNOYING OR NOT?!

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** AM I ANNOYING YOU RIGHT NOW?

 **heavens2betsey:** yes.

 **whambamthankuham:** SO U /DO/ THINK IM ANNOYING!!

 **heavens2betsey:** where did this come from have u been talking to peggy

 **whambamthankuham:** THEY IMPLIED THAT IM ANNOYING

 **heavens2betsey:** they show their love by being mean to u and undermining ur self confidence

 **whambamthankuham:** oh

 **whambamthankuham:** this changes everything peggy has ever said to me

 **whambamthankuham:** wait so the time they said i was inconsiderate? when they said they thought i would be a terrible husband bc i self sabotage a lot and would probably cheat on both of u and then post screenshots to expose myself out of guilt, thus humiliating u and ruining any chance we had at rebuilding our relationship because of my own pride? that time they said i was a bad writer? they meant the opposite?

 **heavens2betsey:** well

 **turtle:** the second scenario seems very true, actually,,,,....,,,

 **heavens2betsey:** #wouldyourfaveever

 **heavens2betsey:** they definitely didn't mean the first or the third

 **heavens2betsey:** promise not to cheat on us

 **whambamthankuham:** hand to God

 **heavens2betsey:** IF YOU CHEAT ON US TELL US FIRST dON’T POST RECEIPTS

 **turtle:** IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU COME HOME

 **turtle:** DON'T GO GO OFF AND MAKE MATTERS WORSE ON YOUR OWN

 **heavens2betsey:** ^!!!!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** ARE Y'ALL MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO

 **turtle:** *haven't done yet

 **heavens2betsey:** ******yet being the operative word

 **whambamthankuham:** I'D NEVER CHEAT ON YOU

 **heavens2betsey:** said bill clinton to hillary, days before he admitted to having sexual relations with monica lewinsky

 **turtle:** speaking of, odd how we vilified monica lewinsky but allowed bill to be a self proclaimed family man again,,,,

 **heavens2betsey:** true,, very true…

 **heavens2betsey:** it's upsetting,, she wasn't a home wrecker,,, how she get in the house?? ya man opened the door for her,,, leave her out of this,, bill keep monica's name out of ya trash ass mouth

 **whambamthankuham:** very odd,, esp considering the complexities of a power imbalance that severe,, we may never know for sure who was the instigator, but bill should have taken equal part in the blame,, discomfiting on many levels

 **turtle:** truly

 **turtle:** also i think bill clinton won the election because all the presidents are distantly related and bill has the most royal blood in him

 **turtle:** same for all the presidents

 **turtle:** that’s why al gore didn’t win he wasn’t related closely enough to royalty

 **whambamthankuham:**...ok gonna ignore that.

 **turtle:** never mind i see now that ur not ready for the truth

 **heavens2betsey:** JOHN WHAT THE FUCK SJDIFJSIDFJSAOI

 **heavens2betsey:** EOJDIFAOISDJF

 **heavens2betsey:** im coming up unlock the door

 **turtle:** K

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

**margaritaville:** have fun tonight see u tomorrow

 **whambamthankuham:** i love you dearly

 **margaritaville:** and i you

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **h0rsefucker**

**h0rsefucker:** good morning

 **lagayette:** good morning to the most kind-hearted, thoughtful, handsome man in the whole world :) how r u my love

 **h0rsefucker:** i’m SO sleepy but i have a couple of appointments today for suit tailoring so i gotta leave in a bit

 **lagayette:** aw ok! as always i will miss you like the waves miss the sand when the tide is low, like the flower yearns for the touch of the sun when it is cloudy, like a moth craves the light of the flame

 **h0rsefucker:** im crying you’re literally the cutest person alive

 **lagayette:** that would be you but alright

 **h0rsefucker:** i love you very much

 **lagayette:** and i love you! come to the kitchen i ran out and got bagels so you can eat before you go

 **h0rsefucker:** thank you omg i’ll see u in a sec

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** good morning everyone did u guys know that john thinks all the presidents are related

 **turtle:** I SAID THAT LAST NIGHT I WAS EXHAUSTED AND NOT THINKING CLEARLY PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

 **whambamthankuham:** were u tho

 **turtle:** no i actually think that they are i’ve read and also written some very interesting articles on this subject and i’d be happy to send further reading material your way if anyone is interested

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’d love that.

 **turtle:** REALLY? OK MY FAVE SITE IS JesusUnsealed.co.uk it’s about how Jesus was actually julius caesar’s son and everyone in the world is descended from that family

 **turtle:** it’s quite long actually,,, u might want to just start with that one

 **grgwshngturnt:** Wow. I can’t wait.

 **turtle:** AW :) GEORGE IT MAKES ME SO HAPY THAT UR ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ME ABOUT THIS EVERYONE ELSE WROTE ME OFF AS CRAZY IMMEDIATELY

 **grgwshngturnt:**...um. Yeah.

 **turtle:** WAIT WERE U KIDDING.

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

**whambamthankuham:** u have to lie if john finds out that ur kidding he’ll be crushed

 **grgwshngturnt:** SHIT.

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**grgwshngturnt:** What?? No, I’m not. As someone who wants to someday run for president, I’m sure the lineage conspiracies could shed light on important information that will be relevant to me. If you have anything else you’d recommend, send it to me. I’ll look into it.

 **turtle:** OMG GEIOOJFIOASJFIJDF

 **turtle:** I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF I’LL PRINT MY FAVORITE ARTICLES AND BRING THEM TO YOU!

 **grgwshngturnt:** That would be really neat. Thank you, John.

 **turtle:** IT’S MY PLEASURE :))))))

-o-

 **grgwshngturnt:** It’s 3 PM, are you coming into work today or.

 **turtle:** I’M STILL PRINTING

 **grgwshngturnt:** Oh, OK.

-o-

_3 New Chats from:_ **grgwshngturnt**

**grgwshngturnt:** OHMYGOD. JOHN JUST BROUGHT IN A HUGE STACK OF PRINTED CONSPIRACY ARTICLES FUCK FUCK FUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** ONE OF THEM IS A THIRTY TWO PAGE LONG COMMENT.

 **grgwshngturnt:** NOT AN ARTICLE, ALEXANDER, A /COMMENT/

 **whambamthankuham:** oh i’ve read that one, it’s not so bad. it’s believable if you squint

 **grgwshngturnt:** FUCK

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **h0rsefucker**

**h0rsefucker:** hey btw can we talk when i get home today?

 **lagayette:** WAIT WHY?

 **lagayette:** DID I DO SOMETHING

 **lagayette:** what?? the fuck?? are you breaking up with me?

 **lagayette:** OH MY GOD YOU ARE AREN’T YOU

 **h0rsefucker:** WHAT? NO

 **lagayette:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!! YOU’RE SELFISH AND JUST SO YOU KNOW YOUR BROWNIES AREN’T THAT GOOD I WAS LYING

 **lagayette:** AND I’VE FAKED EVERY ORGASM I’VE HAD WITH YOU SINCE JUNE 2015 FUCK YOU

 **lagayette:** this relationship ends when /I/ say it ends. we’re not done here

 **lagayette:** absolutely fucking not, hercules

 **lagayette:** goodbye see you at home!! :-)

_You can no longer send messages to this user._

**h0rsefucker:** OH MY GOD

 **h0rsefucker:** LAFAYETTE

 **h0rsefucker:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU BLOCK ME

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**h0rsefucker** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** that's weird why would he do that

 **turtle:** message him

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**h0rsefucker:** u guys what the fcuck

 **h0rsefucker:** LAF THINKS IM TRYING TO BREAK UP WITH THEM SO THEY BLOCJED ME THAT'S WHY IT SAID I “LEFT” THE MAIN CHAT

 **h0rsefucker:** I wAS LITERALLY TRYING TO ASK IF I SHPULD ORDER PIZZA TONIGHT OR IF THEY WANTED TO GO OUT WHSHFKSKFNSBSJSJSJDB

 **whambamthankuham:** why would they assume that

 **h0rsefucker:** I GUESS BC I LED WITH “CAN WE TALK” BUT

 **angel(ica):** ooh lemme stop u right there

 **angel(ica):** AT NO POINT DURING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY SHOULD YOU EVER USE THE PHRASE CAN WE TALK/WE NEED TO TALK AND THEN NOT SPECIFY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?? THIS IS BASIC

 **angel(ica):** DUDE

 **angel(ica):** BE BETTER

 **h0rsefucker:** MDJFJSDKJS FUCK

 **h0rsefucker:** I FUCKED UP

 **turtle:**!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** literally rest in peace fam

 **heavens2betsey:** okay but it's not ur fault just make sure going forward that u check with laf about things that trigger major anxiety! u can't erase your mistakes but u can make sure they don't happen again!

 **margaritaville:** eliza is such an “ALL ur faves are problematic but that doesn’t make them bad people” person im screaming

 **angel(ica):** eliza is the person who reports the your faves are problematic page for not giving the actors a chance at redemption

 **heavens2betsey:** LET ME BE

 **turtle:** i think it's nice i agree

 **whambamthankuham:** anyway we need to talk about more important things like how Jefferson just sent me an evite for his “macaroni party”

 **heavens2betsey:** sorry i told him if he invited me he had to invite you and john

 **turtle:** NO

 **whambamthankuham:** GOD THIS MEANS HE HAS MY EMAIL ADDRESS NOW

 **heavens2betsey:** you're a government employee… EVERYONE has your email

 **turtle:** we all have ur email u have been on an email chain arguing with him for the past 7 months several ppl have blocked u bc u won't stop copying everyone to it so they are forced to read it

 **whambamthankuham:** wait so HE'S [macaronilover@aol.com](mailto:macaronilover@aol.com)??

 **whambamthankuham:** HE RECEIVES WORK EMAILS AT [MACARONILOVER@AOL.COM](mailto:MACARONILOVER@AOL.COM)????!!?!?!

 **margaritaville:** i want to die

 **turtle:** that's pretty obvious who else would it be

 **angel(ica):** so jefferson emails members of congress with [macaronilover@aol.com ...he](mailto:macaronilover@aol.com...he) gives that email out to senators

 **angel(ica):** I. AM. SOBBING.

 **margaritaville:** yo who is in here

 **h0rsefucker:** just the original squad

 **h0rsefucker:** this chat is left over from laf’s surprise bday party two yrs ago that’s why u didn’t see me add anyone

 **margaritaville:** TWWO YRS AGO I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

 **h0rsefucker:** yeah and angelica brought u anyway and u made out with laurens and then did seven jagerbombs to prove to eliza that you were “mature enough” to be at the party

 **heavens2betsey:** WHEN DID PEGGY DO SEVEN JAGERBOMBS

 **h0rsefucker:** you don’t remember because you did TEN IN A ROW without stopping

 **heavens2betsey:** yikes :// i guess that was before i discovered that eight and a half is my limit

 **turtle:** i just want to talk about the fact that your limit of highly concentrated shots you can take IN A ROW without passing out right after is eight and a half

 **heavens2betsey:** tipz nd trickz wit eliza: i eat a whole loaf of bread about six hours before i go out anywhere with alcohol

 **heavens2betsey:** then i have some saltines on the way there

 **heavens2betsey:** six hours ahead of time gives u time to fully digest the bread but also it’s still THERE as a base for the saltines. and u won’t bloat as bad that way! and then u have something to absorb the alcohol

 **angel(ica):** i don’t think ur qualified 2 give tipz nd trickz u came out the womb sipping tequila through a straw i think that’s a God-given talent

 **heavens2betsey:** well. whatever. i just really like bread. cheese is my favorite food but bread is a close second which is why i make about 10 grilled cheeses with the loaf of bread if im feeling CRAZY and eat them all.

 **margaritaville:** me. okay anyway i need one of you to set me up on a date bc im 46 weeks deep into dolley’s instagram

 **whambamthankuham:** someone add george (the king) in here he’s like the master of tinder and grindr

 **margaritaville:** hmm

**margaritaville** _has added_ **theOGgeorge** _to the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**margaritaville:** george get me laid

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m on it

 **theOGgeorge:** Grindr is my main area of expertise I don't think that will help u much but Angelica is the master of Tinder for hookups u should ask her

 **angel(ica):** that’s true i am

 **margaritaville:** i know but it’s weird for me to ask my sister to get me laid

 **angel(ica):** i would be honored if u trusted me that much

 **margaritaville:** okay ANGELICA GET ME LAID

 **angel(ica):** O SHIT WADDUP

 **whambamthankuham:** #getpeggylaid2k16

 **margaritaville:** the only thing peggy’s gotten laid are these EDGES

 **angel(ica):** NAILED IT

 **angel(ica):** ok download tinder and meet me in the living room

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy how were u meeting people up until now if u don’t have a tinder

 **margaritaville:** have you seen?? what i?? look like

 **margaritaville:** i walk into a mcdonalds for five minutes and walk out again with 9 marriage proposals lmao BOI

 **h0rsefucker:** GOALS WHAT THE FUCK

 **theOGgeorge:** Me

 **margaritaville:** yeah as u all know george gets laid exclusively at cheeky nando’s bc he’s with his lads

 **theOGgeorge:** Peggy.

 **margaritaville:** IM SORRYYASUDHFAOIDS

 **theOGgeorge:** EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

 **margaritaville:** IM SORRY I LOVE YOU SO MCUH

 **theOGgeorge:** Sick of the fakes, sick of the lies.

 **whambamthankuham:** me upon receiving that evite from tjeff

 **theOGgeorge:** HE INVITED ME TO THAT TOO HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ME

 **margaritaville:** i thought that he wouldn’t invite me because of all the times when i’ve belittled him and tried to ruin his relationship BUT HE DID i think he has like zero friends

 **angel(ica):** boi… he didn’t invite me

 **whambamthankuham:** HE INVITED ME AND NOT YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** HAAAAAAAAAAA

 **turtle:** are u for real rn

 **angel(ica):** YES! i just refreshed my email and he didn’t send ANYTHING.

 **angel(ica):** i hope he’s good at catching bc im about to throw these damn hands

 **h0rsefucker:** TEXT HIM AND ASK

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **angel(ica)**

**angel(ica):** hi

 **callmemacaroni:** whassup

 **angel(ica):** why didn’t you invite me to your macaroni party

 **callmemacaroni:** i didn’t think you’d wanna come? it feels like you hate me now??

 **angel(ica):** you get eaten out by your brother in law’s worst enemy ONE time and then you have to deal with this. incredible.

 **angel(ica):** i don’t hate you because we had sex, i hate you because you’re an incessant bully, a ruthless instigator, slightly misogynistic, and indulge in respectability politics even though they’ve been proven not to benefit people of color

 **angel(ica):** you’re great at oral sex! you’re just a shitty person is all

 **callmemacaroni:** oh well in that case i’ll forward you the evite :)

 **angel(ica):** :)

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**angel(ica)** _has sent an image:_ **smackdown1.jpg**

**whambamthankuham:** ASDIUFHSDIOFJSAIO

 **whambamthankuham:** DRAGG’T TO HELL AND BACK OH MY GOD

 **whambamthankuham:** sometimes i feel like i don’t even NEED to drag jefferson anymore bc y’all do it so well

 **whambamthankuham:** but then i remember that he is garbage who has never been truly loved by another human being in his entire life, and there’s a reason for that. it’s because he is a repulsive man with no value to society whatsoever. he’s like a meme with its original caption removed and authorial intent erased that’s been reposted to white conservative facebook and racists laugh at it all day long. that’s who he is as a person and i don’t support him or condone any of his behavior besides all of the times when he’s been nice to eliza or john. i wish that he would be expatriated, exiled, arrested for treason, bankrupted, poisoned, and forcibly removed from his place of residence so he could spend his dying moments in a different country, preferably on a different continent, far from everything he could possibly ruin, dying in the way that he spent his life: alone. i would say antarctica, but he’s so full of hot air that he’d melt whatever glaciers we have left, accelerating global warming, just making life worse for everyone in an even more dangerous way than he already does. sometimes i think we need more zoos on the planet, because if snakes like jefferson can escape and terrorize people with no repercussions, then we need better animal control. never in my life have i met an individual who represents everything that i hate about humanity. thomas jefferson is the worst person i have ever had the displeasure of encountering in my life, and i’ve met mitt romney. if i could choose one memory to erase from my brain using electroshock therapy, it would be the day i met jefferson. i would love to interact with him with no prior knowledge of how despicable and extraordinarily unpleasant he is, but sadly, as that won’t be possible without risk of brain damage for the next few decades, i have to content myself with limiting my time around him so that i don’t have too many memories to erase when technology makes it possible for me to validate his irrelevance and live as though he never existed.

 **angel(ica):** OH MY GOD

 **angel(ica):** HYOU NEE D  TO BE SGTOTPPED IMMEIDNAITLEYT

EI ADFHAIODJFAIODJFGIAODJGAIJ

 **h0rsefucker:** tjeff has spoken in the chat like twice and ½ of those times have been to attempt to humiliate me and discredit my relationship and yet i have never said anything like that what the fuck alex

 **h0rsefucker:** this is why we can’t have nice things

 **turtle:** I LITERALLY SOBBED READING THAT

 **margaritaville:** OIJAISDJFSIJ

 **margaritaville:** I WANT TO DIE

 **margaritaville:** IF ANYONME EVER ESAID THAT TO ME I WOULD JUST DIE. LIKE IF THEY WANTED ME GONE THAT BAD I WOULD FEEL COMPELLED BY GOD AND ALSO SATAN TO DIE IMMEDIATELY

 **whambamthankuham:** it wasn’t? that mean

 **heavens2betsey:** i called every school in a hundred mile radius just now to make sure you’re never allowed in to speak to kids

 **heavens2betsey:** that was the meanest thing i’ve ever read in my life

 **turtle:** you said that yesterday when i texted you “see you at home i love you” and didn’t put any emojis

 **heavens2betsey:** that was THE meanest thing i’ve EVER read in my LIFE.

 **turtle:** i said i love you how was that not enough

 **heavens2betsey:** no i was talking about what alexander sent but while we’re on the subject, how hard is it for you to put ONE emoji

 **heavens2betsey:** the pink heart with the sparkles, perhaps?? or the daisy one! or the turtle one!! or even a banana emoji

 **heavens2betsey:** the emojis let me know that you don’t hate me and are still enjoying engaging with me! i need validation in this relationship

 **heavens2betsey:** i have read many articles about how in open/poly relationships, one partner often feels left out, and thus, i do my best to make sure you both know that i care. ONE EMOJI. IS ALL I WANT

 **heavens2betsey:** honestly. this is grounds for a divorce

 **whambamtahnkuham:** SJDFISJDFISJi

 **turtle:** WAT THAUIHFAIDSHF

 **turtle:** DO YOU LIKE SIT ON THE WOMEN’S DAY WEBSITE ALL DAY PRINTING AND CLIPPING ARTICLES ABOUT HOW TO MAKE RELATIONSHIPS WORK

 **heavens2betsey:** don’t be ridiculous of course not

 **heavens2betsey:** women’s day is too mainstream to write about actual polyamory i get most of my best information from independent bloggers and buzzfeed sometimes

 **turtle:** IKJSIFSJDIF

 **angel(ica):** see this is why i don’t want peggy spending any time around alex

 **angel(ica):** he turns people into melodramatic hyperbole fuckers who think everything is about them

 **angel(ica):** i take that back actually peggy is already like that  
**angel(ica):** alex do your worst

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**heavens2betsey:** i take it back

 **heavens2betsey:** forget the emoji thing THAT was the MEANEST thing i have EVER read in my LIFE

 **heavens2betsey:** peggy goes to therapy bc u say stuff like that to them

 **angel(ica):** no they go to therapy bc it’s a good thing everyone should do to maintain their mental health

 **heavens2betsey:** ADMIT THAT WAS MEAN

 **angel(ica):** PEGGY STILL BRINGS UP THE FACT THAT I HAD A CRSUH ON ALEX ONCE. PEGGY STOLE SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM ME. PEGGY BURNED MY THESIS IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE CLASS, SCREAMED AT ME THROUGH A MEGAPHONE THAT IF I CAN’T LEARN TO USE COMMAS NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME, AND THEN CUT MY PROFESSOR’S BRIEFCASE HANDLE SO IT FELL  APART WHEN SHE PICKED IT UP, SPILLING TESTS EVERYWHERE, CAUSING STUDENTS TO DIVE FOR THEM IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET THE ANSWERS

 **angel(ica):**  PEGGY IS SO MUCH MEANER

 **whambamthankuham:** six hundred THOUSAND dollars??? what the hell

 **angel(ica):** that one was a lie

 **whambamthankuham:** you had a crush on me? HAHA that’s SO embarrassing

 **angel(ica):** man what the fuck

 **heavens2betsey:** /i/ have a crush on you

 **whambamthankuham:** omg and u just admitted it to me AWKWARD

 **heavens2betsey:**...we have been in a committed relationship for over a year.

 **turtle:** YRFUYHIJIKPCYVUBHIOMKP,

 **h0rsefucker:** ok but angelica to be honest with you i felt like the one about the thesis was a lie

 **h0rsefucker:** did they really

**angel(ica)** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**margaritaville:** u’ve come back

 **margaritaville:** they all come crawling back eventually

 **angel(ica):** did you or did you not burn my thesis in front of my whole class, scream at me through a megaphone that if i couldn’t learn how to use commas, no one would ever love me, and then cut my prof’s briefcase handle so that when she picked it up it fell apart and spilled tests everywhere, causing people to steal the tests off the ground and end up with disciplinary hearings for scholastic dishonesty

 **margaritaville:**...anyway

 **h0rsefucker:** LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** a true #scammer

 **whambamthankuham:** my coffee mug scam pales in comparison

 **h0rsefucker:** LOOK THAT WASN’T A SCAM THAT WAS JUST YOU BEING A DICK ALEXANDER YOU HAVE TO STOP

 **whambamthankuham:**...anyway

 **angel(ica):** you and peggy are the same person

 **margaritaville:** i resent the implication that my personal hygiene is as bad as hamilton’s

 **whambamthankuham:** JUST BECAUSE I FORGET TO TAKE SHOWERS OCCASIONALLY DOES NOT MEAN THAT I DON’T DO THINGS LIKE BRUSHIGN MY TEETH OR MOISTURIZING

 **margaritaville:** yeah that’s true you reserve a few hours every week to trim that godawful goatee of yours

 **heavens2betsey:** i like the goatee!

 **turtle:** ME TOO

 **turtle:** to amend that statement--i like beard burn. i have no real feelings about facial hair, do NOT @ me on this

 **theOGgeorge:** I like it too!

 **whambamthankuham:** SO THERE PEGGY

 **theOGgeorge:** No no honey I meant I like beard burn too

 **theOGgeorge:** I could go either way on how the goatee actually looks

 **whambamthankuham:** i hate this family

 **h0rsefucker:** too bad kid you’re stuck with us

 **heavens2betsey:** im in support of beard burn but also i think alexander is cute no matter what he does therefore i am in support of the goatee

 **angel(ica):** we get it eliza your nickname is butt plug cause you’re so far up alex’s ass

 **margaritaville:** ME AND ANGEL JUST DABBED AT THE SAME TIME

 **margaritaville:** YOU CAN’T SEE IT BUT WE DID

 **heavens2betsey:**...anyway

**h0rsefucker** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘...anyway’**

**h0rsefucker:** let’s get squad tattoos that say anyway

 **whambamthankuham:** “this is ...anyway: to fly towards a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall at each moment. first to let go of life. finally, to take a step without feet.”

 **h0rsefucker:** did you just turn a Rumi poem into a meme

 **whambamthankuham:** i think i did

 **heavens2betsey:** rumemei

 **theOGgeorge:** Let me out of this hell chat

 **heavens2betsey:** once ur in, ur in for life

 **h0rsefucker:** ok but all jokes aside can i be honest with you guys?

 **whambamthankuham:** who else could you be honest with

 **h0rsefucker:** good point

 **h0rsefucker:** i wasn’t going to JUST order pizza tonight

 **h0rsefucker:** i was asking laf because i wanted to

 **h0rsefucker:** well

 **h0rsefucker:** i wanted to propose tonight

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT

 **angel(ica):** WHAT

 **theOGgeorge:** WHAT

 **margaritaville:** WHAT

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT

 **turtle:** WHAT

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **h0rsefucker:** i didn’t want it to be a big deal

 **h0rsefucker:** laf would probably want it to be a big deal and it’s not that /i/ didn’t want it to be a big deal i’m just so SICK of not being married to the love of my life, the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally, my end and my beginning, etc.

 **h0rsefucker:** so i have a ring

 **h0rsefucker:** and i was gonna order pizza actually but also i was gonna. you know. propose. so.

 **whambamthankuham:** DUDE

 **whambamthankuham:** UM HOLY SHIT DUDE

 **turtle:** i think we figured out how to shock ham speechless

 **whambamthankuham:** DUDE WHAT

 **h0rsefucker:** yeah

 **angel(ica):** well then we have to make this happen

 **angel(ica):** like. now.

 **margaritaville:** schuyler squad roll out let’s hunt laf down and get them home

 **h0rsefucker:** i like how you have a catchphrase “schuyler squad roll out” that’s so funny

 **margaritaville:** that’s the magic of sisterhood

 **margaritaville:** siblinghood in my case but whatever

 **heavens2betsey:** we’ve got a lot of work to do

 **heavens2betsey:** alex and john, i want you on decorations. candles obvi but skip the rose petals, too cliche. follow your instincts, but don’t follow them TOO much in case they’re shitty. find the best pizza place you can think of and schedule a delivery. if you fuck this up, angelica will humiliate you publicly and ruin your credit scores. sky squad is on laf recon, herc ur on...not losing the ring duty, and u need to get home ASAP so u can be waiting for laf, and george you go with alex and john to bankroll this affair. and above all, NO ONE IS TELLING LAFAYETTE.

 **whambamthankuham:** got it

 **turtle:** yes ma’am

 **h0rsefucker:** got it

 **heavens2betsey:** if anything goes wrong, the code word is rochambeau, dig me?

 **whambamthankuham:** rochambeau?

 **heavens2betsey:** yes, you have your orders, now go man go

 **h0rsefucker:** and so the american experiment begins.

 **h0rsefucker:** okay but i just want to thank you all so much for this...your support really means a lot to me. you’ve done so much for me when i needed you most. you’re all such kind, caring people, who never hesitate to show me love and who accept me for who i really am. i owe you everything. i will never forget these experiences i’ve been blessed to share with you.

 **margaritaville:** um ok horse fucker

 **h0rsefucker:** WJFISJFIJDIFSIFJSI

 **h0rsefucker:** YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO RUIN A MOMENT KID

 **margaritaville:** it’s my special skill

 **heavens2betsey:** we love you

 **whambamthankuham:** ^

 **margaritaville:** ^

 **turtle:** ^

 **angel(ica):** ^

 **theOGgeorge:** Haven’t known you that long but ^

 **h0rsefucker:** :,,,) thank you. just. you know. thank you.

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

**margaritaville:** LAFFY TAFFY

 **lagayette:** hello pegs

 **margaritaville:** can me and the sises come over?

 **lagayette:** of course you can! you are always welcome in my home

 **margaritaville:** AWESOME

 **lagayette:** i have so much more space for company now that hercules no longer lives with me haha

 **margaritaville:** wait what?? when did that happen

 **lagayette:** this afternoon we ended things.

 **margaritaville:** what??? but you’re like the most couple-y couple to ever couple in the history of couples…

 **lagayette:** well we aren’t now.

 **margaritaville:** oh okay? well i’ll see you in a little bit ok?

 **lagayette:** oui

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘squad minus laf’**

**margaritaville:** um you guys

 **h0rsefucker:** holy SHIT. you GUYS.

 **margaritaville:** hercules i have to tell you something

 **h0rsefucker:** I JUST GOT HOME AND LAFAYETTE IS BURNING MY STUFF IN THE STREET OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

 **margaritaville:** uh yeah...that may have something to do with this

**margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **screenshots1.jpg**

**h0rsefucker:** WE DIDN’T END IT THIS AFTERNOON?? WHT

 **h0rsefucker:** wait

**h0rsefucker** _has sent an image:_ **thetragaydy.jpg**

**h0rsefucker:** THEY SAID “THIS ENDS WHEN I SAY IT ENDS” I THOUGHT THAT MEANT THEY WERE JUST SAYING WE COULDN’T BREAK UP?

 **heavens2betsey:** oh honey no

 **whambamthankuham:** oh boy :( my little baby son,,,

 **turtle:** oh God

 **theOGgeorge:** holy shit

 **h0rsefucker:** ALL OF MY OUTFITS I DESIGNED MYSELF ARE ON FIRE IN THE STREET. PEOPLE ARE JUST STOMPING ON MY BURNING STUFF.

 **heavens2betsey:** um

 **angel(ica):** LIZA DO SOMETHING

 **heavens2betsey:** herc,,,

 **h0rsefucker:** hold up

 **h0rsefucker:** I SEE LAF

 **h0rsefucker:** I HAVE TO TALK TO THEM HOLD ON

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** has anyone gotten in touch with either of them??

 **angel(ica):** i left herc about 7 voicemails

 **margaritaville:** i’ve been spamming laf’s phone

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s been at least an hour. Where are they???

 **angel(ica):** wait where are alex and john!? george weren't u with them?

 **theOGgeorge:** No, we split up. They were supposed to get the decorations I wrote down for them and I left to order pizza. I haven’t heard from them either?

 **heavens2betsey:** i have no clue where they are….keep trying to get a hold of them i guess. if this goes on for any longer i think we should probably go over there.

-o-

_You have reached the voicemail of:_ **Hercules Mulligan**

_“Uh, hi, Hercules, it’s Angelica. As you probably guessed. If you even have your phone. Are you lying dead in a ditch somewhere? I’ll kill you if you’re dead. Just checking in again, since it’s been about two hours since you last contacted us and told us that all of your stuff was, um, on fire in the street. Hope you’re okay. Call me back, please. Love you.”_

-o-

_75 New Chats from:_ **margaritaville**

**margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

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 **margaritaville:** LAFAYETTE

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-o-

_You have reached the voicemail of:_ **Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette**

_“Jesus, do you really need your full name in there? I know who I’m calling. God. Anyway, it’s Peggy. You know. Your friend. I was supposed to come over, like, two and a half hours ago, but your apartment is surrounded by burning stuff. What gives, dude? I hope everything is okay. You know you can call me if you need anything. Give me a ring back so I know you’re alive. I love you.”_

-o-

_You have reached the voicemail of:_ **Hercules Mulligan**

_“Hi, Hercules, it’s Eliza. Um, are you okay? We’d all really like to know what’s going on...I hope we’re just worrying for no reason. Also, if you see Alexander or John, tell them to call me. Love you! I hope you’re okay. Bye.”_

-o-

_You have reached the voicemail of:_ **Alexander Hamilton**

_“Alexander, it’s Eliza, your beloved girlfriend. I’m going to fucking kill you if you don’t call me back. What the fuck? Call. Me. Back.”_

-o-

_You have reached the voicemail of:_ **John Laurens**

_“Hi, John, it’s Eliza. Y’know, your girlfriend that you haven’t spoken to in three hours. What the fuck, man. Call me back or I’m going to burn the apartment down.”_

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**lagayette** _has added_ **h0rsefucker** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**h0rsefucker:** you guys

 **lagayette:** WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! i couldn't end this fic full of beautiful QPOC without mentioning the tragedy in orlando this weekend. i just wanted to acknowledge it because it feels wrong not to. my thoughts are with my brothers and sisters and people who don't identify with those gender specific terms in the community. stay strong.
> 
> also: john's president conspiracy thing is an actual website just google "are the presidents related" and you'll find something or another related to it it's AMAZING LMAO. KUDOS TO U IF U SPOTTED MY IN THE HEIGHTS REF I REFUSE TO STOP
> 
> ALSO AHH LAF AND HERC I LOVE MY GAY KIDS!!!!!!!!!! SEE YOU AT THE NEXT UPDATE SAME PLACE MAYBE NOT SAME TIME K GONNA GO WRITE STUFF NOW LOVE YOU BYE


	15. gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with laf and herc fighting, alex and john missing, and everyone else panicking. now the squad gets answers, peggy gets exposed, and john really can't get over conspiracies. (HELP HIM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW an actual timely update!!! nia is making history!! amazing. okay, let's jump right in. first things first, i'd like to say that there is a part that's a little bit meta. if leaning on the fourth wall makes you uncomfortable, you should start scrolling at "...turtle: damn hamsquad back at it again with the comical scenario..." and stop scrolling when you see "...whambamthankuham: it's okay i know you're prone to...". idk sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to question reality and if that bothers you as well, then scroll away! second of all, WOW I FINALLY POSTED THE ALEX/GEORGE! i know i said i wasn't going to post it, but i really didn't want it to be unavailable to anyone who couldn't reach me for the docs link, so IT'S UP THERE OUT IN THE WORLD. here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7321060 third of all, i literally do this every chapter but i need to do it again: enj (THEY WROTE LES AMEMES Y'ALL KNOW WHO THEY ARE GO READ THEIR FIC), you inspire me, you push me to be better, and you never stop helping me. thank you for making my thing a more coherent thing. i love you. OKAY NOW EVERYONE LOOK AT THE THING I'LL MEET YOU IN THE COMMENTS GO GO GO

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**angel(ica):** YOU’RE??? WHAT

 **lagayette:** WE’RE GETTING MARRIED

 **margaritaville:** what you’re actually doing is not answering my damn voicemails you cockhead but alright

 **lagayette:** PEGGY

 **angel(ica):** NO NO I AGREE

 **angel(ica):** IM SOC OFNUSEHD

 **h0rsefucker:** JSIJSIDJFSIJ

 **turtle:** THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED

 **heavens2betsey:** IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER MY VOICEMAILS

 **whambamthankuham:** FUCK

 **turtle:** ALEX DROPPED MY PHONE IN FIRE

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT??

 **heavens2betsey:** EXPLAIN PLEASE

 **turtle:** can we or do y’all want to tell it???

 **lagayette:** IT’S OK

 **whambamthankuham:** okay so

 **whambamthankuham:** kg3 had gone to get pizza so me and john took our stuff to laf and herc’s cause we were gonna set up while they were gone

 **whambamthankuham:** and when we got there we saw hercules in the street surrounded by mountains of burning clothes and possessions...so we’re just sitting there like

**whambamthankuham** _has sent an image:_ **taxidermyfox-legscrossed.jpg**

**whambamthankuham:** right around then we get a message in the GC that says “YOU GUYS MY STUFF IS ON FIRE” and john and i r just like ok so...do we intervene or? and then we get the one that says “OMG I SEE LAF” so we’re like wtf?? and then we look up and laf is standing in front of the front window in a crop top that says JUICY on the front and pink lace bootyshorts lighting a sweater on fire

 **turtle:** after that i decide that we should maybe do something, so we’re getting ready to cross the street. mind u, at this point, there’s like a huge bubble of space around herc bc people have realized Shit Is Going Down and no one wants to be involved in it

 **turtle:** side note which will soon become relevant in this story: i was carrying all the decorations because alex is a flake, and he had my phone and wallet and stuff cause my hands were full

 **turtle:** alex got tired of waiting for the light to turn so he just ran across the street to herc. as u all know, im still holding heaps of decorations, and i don’t want to move too fast and drop something, so im just waiting for the light. then, as i watch, alex runs up, SLIPS ON HIS OWN SHOELACES, and he fucking DROPS my phone into the burning stuff

 **turtle:** thank GOD my wallet just skidded in the other direction otherwise herc would not be the only dead boyfriend today

 **turtle:** so now im screaming my fucking ass off, fucking shapeshifting into Usain Bolt and sprinting through the traffic, hauling a metric fuckton of scented candles behind me, doing a goddamn swan dive into a pile of sweaters to grab my phone and put out the fire

 **turtle:** my phone case is completely melted and destroyed but my phone is?? miraculously?? FINE

 **turtle:** so i start yelling at alex like what the FUCK. and he shushes me. and im like I AM ABOUT TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!? DON’T SHUSH ME?!

 **turtle:** but he’s pointing. so i turn around. and hercules is standing in the middle of his stuff looking up at lafayette and lafayette is just staring down at him and hercules then DROPS TO HIS KNEE

 **turtle:** and my jaw drops with him because i mean?? no offense laf but you TOTALLY overreacted and i would not have done this after you lit all my earthly possessions on fire…

 **whambamthankuham:** anyway at this point i started filming bc i knew everyone would be so pissed that they weren’t there and didn’t get to see it

 **turtle:** and he gets down on one knee in the middle of the street, surrounded by like every shirt he owns ALL SMOLDERING AND SENDING UP SPARKS

 **turtle:** just going to pause here and say that he looked really hot?? honestly?? yes his stuff is ruined now but the light of the fire reflected off his cheekbones and he looked so good?? just gonna throw it out there

 **h0rsefucker:** OMG THAT’S SO NICE WTF

 **turtle:** :)

 **turtle:** ANYWAY SO HE’S LIKE ON HIS KNEES AND HE PULLS OUT A RING BOX AND HE’S LIKE “Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette…” and im like either he’s about to propose or he’s about to go up there and end laf’s life,,,, shit fam,,, AND THEN HE’S LIKE “i know you might be freaking out a little right now, and i’m freaking out too...probably for a different reason, since everything i own is gone but...anyway...i was just wondering if you’d maybe like to marry me?” and we’re all standing there like BITCH!! I AM SHOOK THE FUCK UP!!

 **turtle:** and laf is like “wait, what?” and at this point there is a huge crowd of people who have figured out what’s going on and stopped to watch and herc is like “um...marry me?” and laf is like “what?? aren’t you?? furious??? i thought you were dumping me?? i destroyed all of your stuff??” and herc is like “well i can see that” and laf is like “you’re not?? mad??” and herc is like “why would i be mad the only thing i need in life is you” and i think the footage is probably shaky there bc alex dabbed and laf was like WHAT THE FUCK DUDE

 **turtle:** at this point i was crying super loud that’s probably in the video too

 **turtle:** and hercules is like “i guess i probably could have had better timing but anyway i love you and i want to be with you for the rest of my life so? this is getting a little awkward actually...if you’re gonna say no you should say so now because my knee is starting to ache” and laf like stares at him and then disappears inside and we’re all like shit fam...what the fuck happened...and so hercules is like...um fuck...guess that’s a no? so he starts to get up and then laf comes flying out from the apartment STILL IN THE BOOTYSHORTS and runs up to hercules and drags him off his knees and is like YES WHAT THE FUCK YES I LOVE YOU and then hercules was like OH THANK GOD THIS WAS GOING TO BE A WARM DISASTER IF YOU DIDN’T and then they both burst out laughing and then herc put the ring on them and then they kissed for a really long time and then everyone was cheering and someone was throwing rice

 **turtle:** it wasn’t uncooked rice it was chinese takeout rice but it made a nice picture and im glad they improvised

 **turtle:** so that happened

 **angel(ica):**...what the fuck…

 **heavens2betsey:**...that’s the most lafayette thing i’ve ever heard in my whole life

 **heavens2betsey:** hercules i can’t believe you were worried about your proposal not being a “big enough deal” this is the most dramatic engagement story ever what the hell

 **lagayette:** HEIJSIDJFSID

 **h0rsefucker:** IM CRYIGN

 **margaritaville:** that was extra asf wtf oh my GOD

 **margaritaville:** I SAY THAT AS SOMEONE WHO’S ALSO A FAN OF STEALING PEOPLE’S THINGS AND RUINING THEIR LIVES

 **margaritaville:** IM LITERALLY SCREAMIN

 **margaritaville:** WELL CONGRATULATIONS IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS

 **angel(ica):** Y’ALL TOO WILD BUT I LOVE YOU AND IM SO GLAD EVERYTHING WORKED OUT

 **heavens2betsey:** im calling an ambulance for myself i just had 17 heart attacks at once CONGRATULATIONS I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH AND IM HAPPY TO SEE YOU TOGETHER

 **lagayette:** THANK YOU

 **h0rsefucker:** THANK U!!

 **theOGgeorge:** You forgot to mention me

 **turtle:** OMG YES I FOROG TFUISFJDIFJAI

 **turtle:** GEORGE GETS THERE AT THE TAIL END, HOLDING LIKE THREE PIZZAS, AND HE STOPPED AND DROPPED THEM AND WAS LIKE “OH MY GOD!! DO YOU PEASANT PEOPLE KNOW THAT THE STREET IS ON FIRE!?” AND LAF AND HERC WERE MAKING OUT AND GEORGE LIKE SEES THEM AND IS LIKE HOLY?? SHIT?? OHMYGOD??

 **whambamthankuham:** HE LITERALLY LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THAT GIF OF THE GUY WALKING IN WITH PIZZA AND THEN REALIZING EVERYTHING IN THE APARTMENT IS DESTROYED AND IN FLAMES

 **theOGgeorge:** Honestly this is the greatest trip I’ve ever taken I’m so glad I came with Angelica T B H

 **angel(ica):** tbh im in shock...this is so wild

 **whambamthankuham:** anyway...betsey we’re coming home everyone is tired

 **heavens2betsey:** HERC I JUST REALIZED

 **heavens2betsey:** U USED ...ANYWAY IN YOUR PROPOSAL

 **h0rsefucker:** SHIT

 **h0rsefucker:** FUISDFIJSDOFJAIFJAISJD

 **h0rsefucker:** FUVIDJIKSJCI

 **lagayette:** WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

 **h0rsefucker:** DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

 **h0rsefucker:** WE’RE GOING NOW

 **h0rsefucker:** TO CELEBRATE

 **lagayette:** we’re gonna have sex is what he means

 **h0rsefucker:** yeah

 **h0rsefucker:** probably more than once

 **margaritaville:** im glad to know that the things we share with each other will never change

 **lagayette:** ME TOO

 **heavens2betsey:** where is everyone else who’s in this chat

**heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **honeyyouvegotabigstormcomin.jpg**

**angel(ica):** good luck to anyone who has to scroll up and read all this RIP!

 **whambamthankuham:** ok me and john and eliza are gonna take eat herc and laf’s pizza and then take a nap, see y’all in 8 hours

 **heavens2betsey:** YAS GOD

-o-

 **whambamthankuham:** i had a really bad nightmare during our nap and i woke up freaking out so i turned over and shook john awake and i wasn’t really thinking straight and i said “what country am i in” and john goes “the idea of a country is harmful and leads to destructive nationalism and the creation of superficial borders which restrict our inalienable human right to freedom of movement” and immediately went back to sleep

 **whambamthankuham:** he didn’t ask me if i was ok im not even sure if he was lucid but he was awake enough to say that

 **heavens2betsey:** IM CRYIGN IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I;VE EVER SEEN

 **mariacarey:** “is john asleep” “to steal from our brothers and sisters is a sin, to steal from corporations is clemency” “nah fam he’s woke”

 **margaritaville:** IM CRYIGGGNGNAISNODNIS

 **mariacarey:** off topic but im bored does anyone want to hang out

 **margaritaville:** yes!!!!

 **mariacarey:** come over

 **margaritaville:** ok what do u want to do

 **mariacarey:** do u want to take a nap

 **margaritaville:**...actually yes

 **dmadisin:** bring ur pajamas i approve this message my shift is almost over

 **margaritaville:** LMAO WHAT THE FUCK OK

 **margaritaville:** SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS

 **mariacarey:** OK

 **jmadisin:** i don’t understand why everything we do has to be so gay… every damn time… like “haha what are you and your friends doing this weekend” “they’re probably gonna finger each other while watching orange is the new black draped in pride flags while memory from cats plays on a loop in the background...but in a friend way”

 **mariacarey:** shut up you fucking furry

 **jmadisin:** WHAT THE FUDCK MARIA

 **mariacarey:** anyway all im good at is sleeping

 **mariacarey:** if i had literally ANY other talents i’d ask peggy if they wanted to watch me tap dance or something but the thing im best at is taking a nap for at least 4 hours

 **mariacarey:** i could sleep a full 24 hours and then wake up and do stuff for a little bit and then go back to sleep and stay that way for another 24 hrs

 **mariacarey:** my only skill

 **jmadisin:** ok me

 **mariacarey:** ALSO WTF I SAW THAT PROPOSAL STORY CONGRATS LAF AND HERC Y’ALL ARE AWESOME

 **mariacarey:** presumably still having sex but CONGRATS

 **jmadisin:** ^

 **dmadisin:** ^

 **margaritaville:** ok im coming over

 **callmemacaroni:** why aren’t any of you ever at work what the fuck

 **mariacarey:** im a professional scammer?? im technically ALWAYS at work

 **callmemacaroni:** wtf maria

 **mariacarey:** i take money from men who want to date me

 **dmadisin:** she makes more money than i do and i have an actual steady job

 **callmemacaroni:** GOALS WHAT THE FUCK

 **callmemacaroni:** I WANT TO DO THAT

 **mariacarey:** you can’t cause no one wants to date you

 **callmemacaroni:** im receiving an important phone call sorry i have to go!

 **whambamthankuham:** OIDAJDFIJASDIOFASDOIJFIOASDIOJFIOJCD

 **callmemacaroni:** ps laf and herc congrats (that shoulda been me tho)

**jmadisin** _has removed_ **callmemacaroni** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**angel(ica):** JAMES IT’S A GOOD THING YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH JEFFERSON PSA NO ONE FUCK HIM HE NEVER LETS YOU FORGET IT

 **jmadisin:** i couldn’t if i tried but tru

 **angel(ica):** U KNOW WHAT I MEAN

 **jmadisin:** OMG I DO IT’S OK

 **mariacarey:** disgusting garbage tbh

 **jmadisin:** gaybage

 **margaritaville:** THAT’S THIS WHOLE CHAT SJFISJDF

 **margaritaville:** maria im here

 **mariacarey:** lock the door after u come in pls

 **margaritaville:** ok :)

 **heavens2betsey:** honestly... i’m going back to sleep

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s the weekend, God is good, goodnight

 **mariacarey:** GAYNIGHT GAYLIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** gaynight gayria

 **margaritaville:** gaynight

 **heavens2betsey:** gaynight peggay

 **turtle:** i wake up 2 see receipts pulled on me?? disgaysting, frankly. rude. unnecessary. you think that you can trust someone and you CANNOT.

 **whambamthankuham:** go back to sleep john

 **turtle:** you make a compelling point

 **whambamthankuham:** i know that’s why you love me

 **turtle:** i love you because you’re unbelievably handsome and wickedly smart and breathtakingly compassionate but yes that too

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** mmmohmyGod...stop fuckin lyin

 **deartheo:** IODJSIJAIDOFJAIF AARON STOP

 **jmadisin:** NOT TAKING SIDES HERE JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THAT THERE ARE OTHER PPL IN THIS CHAT WHO DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS GAYNESS

 **turtle:** YOU HAVE A PHD IN GAYNESS SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING GAY ASS FURRY

 **turtle:** YOU’RE SO GAY YOU HAVE A FAKE WIFE

 **jmadisin:** I’LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.

 **theOGgeorge:** THIS IS A HELL CHAT

 **theOGgeorge:** EVERY CHAT WITH YOU PEOPLE IN IT IS A HELL CHAT

 **theOGgeorge:** I WANT OUT

 **theOGgeorge:** I HATE THIS

 **turtle:** get comfy bih ur in here for life

 **turtle:** u made the mistake of befriending us, im sorry, i don't know what to tell u

 **theOGgeorge:** IT WASN'T A MISGAYKE!! YOU'RE ALL VERY LOVELY PEOPLE AND I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO KNOW YOU!! BUT I LIVE IN FEAR OF BEING ROASTED I'VE DEVELOPED AN EYE TWITCH

 **turtle:** wtf george ur like the most murderous, aggressive person i’ve ever met?? and i’ve met peggy? why would u be afraid of roasting us back

 **theOGgeorge:** NOT TO MY FRIENDS THOUGH WTF I AM TRYING TO BE NICE

 **theOGgeorge:** My therapist says I have “control issues” and a “tendency to overreact”

 **theOGgeorge:** I think roasting would be counterproductive for me,,,, an unhealthy coping mechanism with which I could indulge my issues,,, I don't want to roast back

 **turtle:** omg dude

 **turtle:** u have my word on this i’ll stop roasting u

 **turtle:** can't speak 4 anyone else but i’ll leave u in peace,,, we've all got our foibles, we in it together fam

 **theOGgeorge:** :,,,,)))

 **turtle:** gaynight, gayorge

 **theOGgeorge:** Gaynight, Gayhn

 **angel(ica):** gaynight from angaylica

 **jmadisin:** IT'S 3 PM ON A FRIDAY WTF

 **angel(ica):** GAYNIGHT, GAYMES

 **jmadisin:** well now i feel like i HAVE to sleep since God Herself commanded it…

 **angel(ica):** gaynight i lov u my son

 **jmadisin:** gaynight angaylica i lov u mom

 **jmadisin:** im really not tired...im gonna go hide some of thomas’s vape stuff so he freaks out when he gets home! gaybye!

-o-

 **margaritaville:** gay morning

 **jmadisin:** IT’S 9 PM PEGGAY

 **margaritaville:** i SAID, gay morning

 **jmadisin:**...gay morning

 **jmadisin:** did u have a nice nap?

 **mariacarey:** we did

 **mariacarey:** dolley took a benadryl and hasn't moved since she got home...we think she's ok, she’s still breathing i think she's fine

 **margaritaville:** damn right she's fine

 **mariacarey:** ODJDJJSHbx ahahsHAHAHA

 **mariacarey:** U CAN'T SEE IT BUT ME AND PEGGAY JUST FISTBUMPED FJDJSSSKSKSK

 **margaritaville:** ;;;))))

 **jmadisin:** what r u doing now can i come over

 **mariacarey:** im giving peg a bubble face mask

 **mariacarey:** i stole it from thomas’s side of the bathroom last time i was over ;)

 **jmadisin:** omg he's been complaining about it goin missing im laugujigngj

 **mariacarey:** sometimes i just take his stuff

 **mariacarey:** like his crop top that says “flawless” in sequins

 **mariacarey:** have it

 **mariacarey:** his boyfriend

 **mariacarey:** have it

 **mariacarey:** his almond milk moisturizer

 **mariacarey:** have it

 **jmadisin:** UIODHSIOJDFAIJDFIOS

 **jmadisin:** IDFJSKFMDAMDAKNDCANDCAOODANIONDGAIDGODAI

 **mariacarey:** yeahhh i don’t fool around

 **margaritaville:** SHE’S NOT YA LITTLE SCHOOLBOY

 **jmadisin:** I GUESS THOMAS WILL SEE YOU ON THE DUELING GROUND IF HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT

 **mariacarey:** YOUR BOYFRIEND’S A SCOUNDREL, AND SO IT SEEMS ARE YOU

 **jmadisin:** i hate y’all

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **jmadisin**

**jmadisin:** im gonna kill u if u date maria i don’t want y’all gaynging up on me

 **margaritaville:** im sending a screenshot of this to her

 **jmadisin:** PEGGY WHAT THE FUCK

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **mariacarey**

**mariacarey:** ET TU, GAYMES?? IM ASKING PEGGY OUT BC OF THAT

 **jmadisin:** MARIA WHAT THE FUCK

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**mariacarey:** peggay

 **margaritaville:** you know you literally have your hands on my face right now right like you don’t have to send me chats

 **mariacarey:** i know

 **mariacarey:** will you go on a date with me

 **mariacarey:** a gayte (gay date)

 **margaritaville:** first of all why wasn’t #daddygate actually #daddyGAYte, second of all i thought you’d never ask

 **mariacarey:** DADDYGAYTE WHAT ERSEIJSFISJ

 **mariacarey:** I WANT TO CRY

 **lagayette:** i’m lagayette and i approve this messagayge

 **jmadisin:** i wish i could just die

 **theOGgeorge:** ME OH MY GOD

 **theOGgeorge:** This whole chat is just. You’re all too gay I literally don’t know what to do with myself

 **theOGgeorge:** ALSO IS ANGAYLICA UP YET??

 **angel(ica):** i heard my beloved calling...what do you need george

 **theOGgeorge:** WTF

 **theOGgeorge:** IT’S REALLY, REALLY WEIRD HOW YOU DO THAT

 **angel(ica):** HEHEHFUADHFSHDFSH

 **angel(ica):** no really you woke me up what do you want

 **theOGgeorge:** George: 37 Angaylica: 25

 **angel(ica):** DAMN IT GEORGE

 **angel(ica):** HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?? SCUMMY IS NOT THAT COMMON OF A WORD

 **lagayette:** what

 **jmadisin:** explain??

 **theOGgeorge:** Me and Angelica play a game where every time someone says our favorite word we have to kiss that person

 **jmadisin:**...explain

 **theOGgeorge:** Doesn’t matter who they are, you gotta kiss them if they say your favorite word

 **theOGgeorge:** My favorite word is scummy, Angelica’s favorite is wheelhouse

 **jmadisin:** your favorite word is scummy??

 **theOGgeorge:** I like the way it sounds

 **theOGgeorge:** Anyway I went to pick up food for Eliza while she naps, since she is so nicely letting me stay in her apartment, and the guy running the Chinese restaurant said “scummy” and I asked him if I could kiss him and he said yes so we made out and then he gave me some free egg rolls

 **angel(ica):** GODDAMMIT

 **angel(ica):** I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD TO KISS OUR PROFESSOR WHEN SHE SAID WHEELHOUSE AND YET YOU GET ALL THE EASY PEOPLE! FUCKING FREE EGG ROLLS...DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD IT MAKES ME LOOK TO KISS THE PROF IM A RESEARCH ASSISTANT FOR GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** Hey, don’t get mad at me bc Lady Luck loves me

 **angel(ica):** I’M BI BUT I HAVE A VERY SERIOUS SLANT TOWARDS WOMEN WHY HAVEN’T YOU GIVEN ME LADY LUCK’S NUMBER

 **angel(ica):** LADY LUCK AND I COULD GET ALONG SO WELL

 **theOGgeorge:** Is now a bad time to mention that I’m going over to the guy’s house later

 **angel(ica):** IM SO TIRED OF THIS

 **angel(ica):** also i want to legally change my name and also my username to angaylica

 **theOGgeorge:** The last part might be easier than the first, but you know that I always support you no matter what

 **angel(ica):** :))

 **lagayette:** this is so extra

 **angel(ica):** shut the fuck up you fucking arsonist

 **lagayette:** WHAHGIHADFIHADIFOJ

 **lagayette:** NEVER! MIND!

 **lagayette:** y’all so goddamn mean…  *George voice* LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL CHAT

 **angel(ica):** *john and eliza voice* WHEN UR IN, UR IN.

 **theOGgeorge:** IDJISJFISDOFJAI

 **margaritaville:** in other news this face mask saved me,, what is acne i’ve never heard of it

 **angel(ica):** you didn't have any acne before this?? your skin is always flawless can you please be quiet

 **margaritaville:** GDDKSJSN

 **whambamthankuham:** hi martha keeps texting me, can i add her in here

 **margaritaville:** my fucking wife wtf

**whambamthankuham** _has added_ **mrthwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**mrthwshngturnt:** has anyone seen george??? he didn't come home from work and he's not answering my messages??

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf? that's so weird hold on i’ll get john

 **turtle:** hi what's wrong

 **mrthwshngturnt:** george??

 **turtle:** oh wtf?? i have no idea,,,, do you want us to come down to the office with you? i saw him this afternoon after i brought some papers to him

 **mrthwshngturnt:** that'd be nice, thank u kids ♡

 **whambamthankuham:** we'll get dressed and come meet u there

 **whambamthankuham:** i guess

 **whambamthankuham:** even though we don’t have a car so we’ll have to bike in the dark

 **mrthwshngturnt:**...do u want me to pick u up

 **whambamthankuham:** if u wouldn’t mind! i hadn’t thought of that!

 **mrthwshngturnt:** mm ok sure jan

-o-

 **grgwshngturnt:** Bush did 9/11

 **lagayette:** KNFJSKXKXKJASJSJ

 **lagayette:** GEORGE WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

 **h0rsefucker:** oh my GOD

 **h0rsefucker:** as laf once said: u leave to have sex for ONE second

 **margaritaville:** OMG IT ONLY TAKES U ONE SECOND TO HAVE SEX

 **whambamthankuham:** history repeats itself

 **grgwshngturnt:** So I've been doing some reading

 **turtle:** yeah so we found george holed up in his office, lost in the articles i printed for him…

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i can’t believe i left my husband alone with you for 5 seconds and you turned him into a conspiracy theorist

 **grgwshngturnt:** YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES MARTHA

 **grgwshngturnt:** WHAT AREN’T THEY TELLING US

 **mrthwshngturnt:** well ur the one who’s gonna be president some day, u tell me

 **grgwshngturnt:** WE’RE ALL RELATED

 **mrthwshngturnt:** Jesus Christ i hope not

 **grgwshngturnt:** THERE’S ONLY 13 FAMILIES IN THE WORLD MARTHA WAKE UP

 **mrthwshngutrnt:** well i hope we come from different families then we have pretty good odds there’s 12 other options for one of us

 **grgwshngturnt:** I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THIS

 **mrthwshngturnt:** well im not

 **mrthwshngturnt:** the NSA can read these messages u need to cool it

 **grgwshngturnt:** THEY’RE ON TO US

 **mrthwshngturnt:** anyway i ordered hot wings and pizza for dinner and they’re getting cold so if ur not gonna leave ur office im going home

 **grgwshngturnt:** YOU AREN’T GOING TO

 **grgwshngturnt:** STAND

 **grgwshngturnt:** BY

 **grgwshngturnt:** YOUR

 **grgwshngturnt:** MAN

 **mrthwshngturnt:** no. u are not a maiden in need of defending you are grown

 **mrthwshngturnt:** it’s a common misconception about marriage that either party must infantilize the other to offer support. in fact, on many occasions, the other person is very capable of making the decision for themself, and only needs the knowledge that someone will be there if completely necessary to push them to make the choice that they really need to. at the end of the day, you know what’s best for yourself, and i know what’s best for me too, and what’s best for me is to go home and eat my hot wings, which i can order because you’re legally bound to me and can’t leave even if i wipe my wing hands on my t-shirt. i love you very much and i think you’re very smart so you can decide if you’re going to entrench yourself in a conspiracy or if you’re not going to do that. #marthaout

 **turtle:** damn hamsquad back at it again with the comical scenario that goes on for a few pages, seeming just reasonable enough to actually occur in real life, and then creating a situation that results in a strangely logical social commentary on an issue that affects or will affect a wide demographic of people witnessing this exchange, which is then easily resolved in a heart warming, still amusing fashion that doesn’t detract from the seriousness of the issue, but makes it palatable and enjoyable to read without overcomplicating things

 **whambamthankuham:** why did you just write a review on our chat like it’s a story

 **turtle:** i don’t know i like it when things get meta

 **turtle:** we could be all controlled by some sixteen year old dicking around on her computer like in a sims animation and we’d never know alex this is the matrix get comfy

 **whambamthankuham:** you’re literally the worst

 **grgwshngturnt:** MARTHA, STOP THE CAR

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’M COMING

 **grgwshngturnt:** Very interesting Matrix theory, though, John. If you have any links, send them to me.

 **turtle:** OK I WILL

 **grgwshngturnt:** I do have a question about the supposed teenage God though...would she BECOME God because she can control us, or is she ACTUALLY God?

 **turtle:** i think i’ve hypothesized enough to argue either point…i’ll provide you with some articles for both sides

 **mrthwshngturnt:** george washington im gonna hit you with my car if you don’t either get in or out

 **grgwshngturnt:** ANYWAY I NEED TO GO

 **turtle:** DIFSIJDFSJF OK BYE

 **whambamthankuham:** a lot of the time i wonder if john is sober or not

 **turtle:** it depends on what God wants me to say

 **whambamthankuham:** you better stop this john or she's going to get annoyed that you've exposed all her plot devices and she'll start characterizing you incorrectly

 **turtle:** you’re right…

 **turtle:** haha i mean who is this “She”? i have my own free will and she's not making me backtrack on this as another TOTALLY FUNNY gambit that she'll never mention again because she’s forgetful and rarely pays attention to plot continuity

 **turtle:** *gaymbit

 **whambamthankuham:** john you're psyching yourself out man i think you're spiralling into an Episode™

 **turtle:** you're right

 **turtle:** never mind

 **whambamthankuham:** it's okay i know you're prone to getting lost in Matrix-brand theories but you're fine dude you control your own destiny you are not a part of a computer simulation okay

 **turtle:** :,,,,))

 **turtle:** thank u

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **lagayette**

**lagayette:** u headed that off well good job

 **whambamthankuham:** THANK U IM YELLING

 **lagayette:** tbh y'all wildin non stop i don’t know what to do with this

 **whambamthankuham:** SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LIT YOUR FIANCÉ’S /LIFE/ ON FIRE

 **lagayette:** fuck you you balding rat

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAHDJSKDJSHAH

_You can no longer message this user._

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**lagayette** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** i blocked laf so it says they left bc u can't be in the same group as someone who blocked u

 **h0rsefucker:** why'd u block them??

 **whambamthankuham:** THEY CALLED ME A BALDING RAT

 **h0rsefucker:** nothing wrong with being honest

_This user can no longer send messages in this group._

**turtle:** IM SONBFIGNG

 **angel(ica):** KSJSJDJDJKSLXKXBKSKDNSKXNSNXKKSKXNSXNXKKXN SKXKKSXNSSNXNLAOSOAPDJXODKEHOWKNDISOSBKPOWKKSPSOEDKKSOWLSSJDHAKHDKSKNDNDKSKDKKSPPSS

 **angel(ica):** honestly u really are balding

 **whambamthankuham:** HOW MANY PEOPLE DO I HAVE TO BLOCK BEFORE Y'ALL REALIZE IM NOT PLAYIN

 **angel(ica):** IDKJS IM SORRY FJDJSJD

 **angel(ica):** HONESTLY IT'S OK IT'S NOT THAT BAD JUST STOP PUTTING UR HAIR IN SUCH TIGHT BUNS

 **whambamthankuham:** that's my Look™™™™™ tho

 **mariacarey:** fam ur new Look™™™™™ boutta be bald egg

 **whambamthankuham:** maria

 **whambamthankuham:** i wish that u weren't right

 **mariacarey:** im dabbing

 **whambamthankuham:** the dabs are out of control

 **whambamthankuham:** we never stop dabbing our elbow joints are gonna wear out

 **mariacarey:** as for me and mine, We Will Serve The Dab Lord

 **angel(ica):** MARIA STOP

 **mariacarey:** IHDFSIODJI

 **margaritaville:** maria my nails r wet come wipe this face mask off

 **jmadisin:** ARE Y’ALL LITERALLY JUST DOING 12 YR OLD GIRLS @ A SLEEPOVER ACTIVITIES

 **margaritaville:**...yes

 **margaritaville:** when dolley wakes up from her benadryl coma we are gonna watch mean girls and make cookies

 **jmadisin:** IM NOT ASKING TO BE SHADY IM ASKING BECUASE I WANT TO COME

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **angel(ica)**

**angel(ica):** DON’T GO OVER IN CASE THEY WANNA MAKE OUT

 **jmadisin:** WSDFIJISFOADJFOI NEVER MIND

 **angel(ica):** JSIDJFOIS

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** ACTUALLY NVM I HAVE TO MAKE DINNER

 **margaritaville:** y r u a 50s housewife

 **jmadisin:** me and thomas r supposed to switch off but he’s rlly bad at cooking and also cleaning

 **jmadisin:** and it’s nice when he orders in but it’s not the same as cooking and i’d feel guilty getting a maid with his money it’s so bougie

 **jmadisin:** i like knowing that the food im eating was made with my hands in my house with locally sourced ingredients

 **mariacarey:** we should go to the farmer’s market together next weekend

 **jmadisin:** WTF THAT WOULD BE SO FUN

 **whambamthankuham:** that’s gay

 **angel(ica):** true

 **deartheo:** i want to come

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** UR ON BEDREST FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS

 **angel(ica):** oh no :( were there complications with lil theo?

 **deartheo:** not huge ones but the doctor said i should probably try and chill for a bit

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** DON’T MOVE I HEAR YOU MOVING

 **deartheo:** sometimes i stand up and stomp around to annoy aaron

 **deartheo:** his study is right underneath our room

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** IT’SS NOT FUNNY

 **deartheo:** im gonna get my tap shoes out

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THEODOSIA BURR

 **deartheo:** IM GOING TO

 **jmadisin:** you can tap dance??

 **deartheo:** yes,,,, i learned 4 years ago after jonathan groff did sutton foster’s anything goes routine at miscast

 **theOGgeorge:** DOLLEY THAT’S SO GAY

 **theOGgeorge:** TAHTOHAOIJDSOIJI THAT’S GAY

 **deartheo:** I KNOW EVERY STEP OF THAT ROUTINE

 **deartheo:** YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO KIDS

 **margaritaville:** what if i put my mind to making out with maria

 **deartheo:** then you can do her

 **margaritaville:** JDSIDJFSJ

 **mariacarey:** so nice how we can all joke like this :) like in a friendly way :)

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

**margaritaville:** IM KILLING MYSELF

 **jmadisin:** OJEIJFSIODF

 **jmadisin:** IN A FRIENDLY WAY :)

 **margaritaville:** I WANT TO DATE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND MAYBE YOU IN A FRIEND WAY :)

 **jmadisin:** OH MY GOD TELL HER THAT

 **margaritaville:** HMM ADMIT FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE OR POISON MYSELF

 **margaritaville:** I HEAR CYANIDE TASTES GOOD

 **jmadisin:** u need to stop

 **jmadisin:** emotional intimacy is not as terrifying as you think it is

 **margaritaville:** james ur a furry don’t @ me on this

 **jmadisin:** shut the fuck up peggy

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 

 **mrthwshngturnt:** hello

 **grgwshngturnt:** MARTHA’S EATING ALL THE CHICKEN WINGS

 **mrthwshngturnt:** everyone in here likes me better than u george no one is gonna take ur side im sorry

 **grgwshngturnt:** RWHRHAT THE FUCK?? EXCUSE ME?? THIS IS SO RUDE? I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG

 **turtle:** :,)

 **whambamthankuham:** :,)

 **deartheo:** :,)

 **angel(ica):** :,)

 **theOGgeorge:** :,)

 **mariacarey:** :,)

 **margaritaville:** :,)

 **jmadisin:** :,)

 **grgwshngturnt:** Is that your way of telling me that you like Martha better than me.

 **whambamthankuham:** :,)

 **deartheo:** :,)

 **theOGgeorge:** :,)

 **turtle:** :,)

 **mariacarey:** :,)

 **margaritaville:** :,)

 **jmadisin:** :,)

 **angel(ica):** :,)

 **grgwshngturnt:** …

 **grgwshngturnt:** You know what. I AM SO SICK OF THIS UNGRATEFUL BAND OF INSENSATE TEENAGERS RULING MY LIFE. YOU ALL HAVE YOUR PROBLEMS!! WANT ME TO LIST THEM??

 **grgwshngturnt:** ALEXANDER, JOHN TOLD ME THAT HE SWAPS YOUR COFFEE FOR DECAF SOMETIMES SO YOU’LL GO TO SLEEP. MARIA, PEGGY IS OBVIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH YOU AND DOLLEY. THE WILL THEY WON’T THEY THING IS ANNOYING. EITHER DATE OR DON’T. I’M OVER IT FAM. JAMES, STOP BEING A HOUSEWIFE, IT’S WEIRD. RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO WAY STREET. ALSO, THE FUR ON YOUR HEDGEHOG OUTFIT IS SHEDDING, STOP WEARING IT TO THE OFFICE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS THERE. GEORGE, GET A HAIRCUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT BREXIT, Y’ALL NEED TO GET YOUR ASSES BACK IN THE EU. THE S&P DROPPED LOWER THAN KIM K IN THE CLUB THIS IS RUINING THE ECONOMY MAKE IT STOP. PEGGY, STOP BEING WILD. IT’S TOO MUCH. JOHN, A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DOESN’T CONTROL YOUR LIFE. DON’T USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE FOR POOR DECISIONS. AND PLEASE SHAVE YOUR BEARD THING, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING THERE BUT I DON’T LIKE IT. THEO AND ANGELICA, you’re flawless and you’ve never done anything wrong. Never change. BURR, STOP BEING A WISHY-WASHY NINNY. IT’S UGLY. AND STOP BEING SO BALD. ALSO, MARTHA, I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’LL DIVORCE ME SO...YOUR PORES ARE BASICALLY INVISIBLE AND YOUR SKIN IS SO CLEAR AND I AM SOOOO IN LOVE WITH YOU.

 **turtle:** I LOVE MY BEARD THING

 **deartheo:** no he’s right it’s bad

 **turtle:** WTF

 **turtle:** FINE IM SHAVING RIGHT NOW I HOPE YOU’RE ALL HAPPY

 **jmadisin:** BYE

 **margaritaville:** I’VE BEEN DISGRACED

 **margaritaville:** WAHT THE FUCK

 **mariacarey:** george why’d you @ us like that

 **mariacarey:** lmao was that even true

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**angel(ica):** IM SOBBING

 **angel(ica):** “IM OVER IT FAM”

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** I CAN’T STOP BEING SO BALD?? WHAT THE FUCK

 **theOGgeorge:** IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP BREXIT I WOULD HAVE WTF?? DO YOU THINK I WANT ANOTHER RECESSION???

 **mrthwshngturnt:** lately i have been thinking my pores looked rlly good...thank u for confirming it

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU SWAP MY COFFEE FOR DECAF?! WHAT THE FUCK!?

 **turtle** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** I LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND TO SLEEP AND THIS HAPPENS

 **heavens2betsey:** IM SCREAMING

 **jmadisin:** IM LITERALLY LEAVING

 **grgwshngturnt:** GAY FUCKING NIGHT.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE GWASH LMAO I LOVE HIM
> 
> im the sixteen yr old god (almost,,, my bday is july 26 y'all better send me presents)
> 
> I'M BACK ON TWITTER @jamesmadiSIN. still in summer school but im procrastinating, who's surprised. JUST IN CASE YA MISSED IT IF YOU DON'T READ THE NOTES (you need to, they have important things), here's the alex/george that i wrote for you because i serve the whims of the people and i go where you go. and apparently where you go is right into alexander hamilton's bedroom to watch him get railed by king george iii, so yeah. i went there too. http://archiveofourown.org/works/7321060 i love you, thank you. i'll see you next time, thank you for reading!


	16. #daddygatethesequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with peggy getting #exposed for liking dolley and everyone in the history of ever getting dragg't 2 hell. now thomas is awful, angelica loves everyone, and george loves throwing money at people. also, the chat gets a new addition: gaydrienne (Marie Adrienne Françoise de Noailles, Marquise de La Fayette, who was the actual lafayette's wife but is just their friend in this).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hello! damn nia back at it again with the timely updates. unbelievable. okay so i'd like to just address something right off the bat to clear the air: i love reading works inspired by this/anything you want to send me but i'd really like it if you credited me if you use my ideas. i'm not naming any names and i am not upset at all but i did work hard to come up with the usernames and also several plot points in this fic so if you use them will you just? credit me? it takes zero effort and i don't wanna sound persnickety but i'd realllly appreciate it. no biggie if you've done it already and haven't credited me just,, maybe,, do it,, now pls,, thank you!! k also other things: thanks as per usual to enj who is in thailand but still kindly proof read this despite the Sin Inside, i miss pips and lin and les like crazy already, i love getting ur comments/tweets/tumblr asks, thank you so much for them, tweet me #daddygatethesequel, and see the end for other very important must read notes about gender things in this cause all my kids are trans. k see you there bye bye love you!!

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**margaritaville:** fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 **angel(ica):** holy shit what happened

 **margaritaville:** i don’t know i panicked

 **margaritaville:** will you pick me up?

 **angel(ica):** of course i will

 **margaritaville:** really?

 **angel(ica):** duh

 **angel(ica):** where are you?

 **margaritaville:** okay so

 **margaritaville:** i don’t know

 **angel(ica):**???

 **margaritaville:** after gwash sent that message in the GC i grabbed my stuff and ran?

 **angel(ica):** wait what

 **margaritaville:** i literally just grabbed my shit and sprinted out of dolley and maria’s apartment before anyone could say anything and then i just kept sprinting in the opposite direction until i couldn’t go any further

 **angel(ica):** okay

 **angel(ica):** you’re okay it’s fine let’s just get this sorted first

 **angel(ica):** go find the nearest coffee shop on google maps and walk to it and then send me the name and i’ll come get you

 **margaritaville:** okay good idea

 **angel(ica):** yeah i don’t have a PhD from stanford for nothing

 **margaritaville:** did u graduate early with a PhD just to make a meme out of it in situations like this

 **angel(ica):** im offended that u would imply that and offended that u guessed correctly

-o-

 **margaritaville:** there is a smoothie store that is unironically called orange u glad i didn’t say banana

 **margaritaville:** it’s closed but im outside of it

 **angel(ica):** okay don’t get mugged i’m on my way

 **margaritaville:** okay see you soon

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** I LITERALLY CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

 **margaritaville:** GODDAMMIT ELIZA

 **angel(ica):** LOOK YOU CAN’T FALL ASLEEP ANY MORE

 **angel(ica):** EVERYTHING FALLS TO SHIT WHEN YOU DO

 **heavens2betsey:** yeah but you handle it so well

 **heavens2betsey:** i’m the mom friend but you’re the GRANDMA friend

 **heavens2betsey:** you spoil us, feed us, and you’re always there to patch up the scrapes when no one else is

 **angel(ica):** so i’m the sugar momma friend

 **heavens2betsey:** i like grandma friend better but you know i think you can go either way

 **angel(ica):** SUGAR MOMMA #CONFIRMED

 **angel(ica):** WHO WANTS ME TO BUY THEM A CAR

 **angel(ica):** AND BY ME I MEAN GEORGE BECAUSE I STILL DON’T HAVE A JOB

 **margaritaville:** okay ME AS FUCK

 **angel(ica):** okay so let’s get down to business

 **angel(ica):** why did you run

 **heavens2betsey:** we’re all sitting in my living room face to face

 **heavens2betsey:** do we need to have this convo in here

 **margaritaville:** okay good call let’s go

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **lagayette**

**lagayette:** wake up

 **h0rsefucker:** what

 **lagayette:** wow we woke up at the same time! soulmates

 **h0rsefucker:** you turned your phone flashlight on and put it in my eyes while yelling my name, but yes, soulmates

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s almost 1 AM what do you want

 **lagayette:** do you want to make food

 **lagayette:** im so hungry i will die

 **h0rsefucker:** by make food do you mean i watch you make crepes and then we sit on the floor and eat and watch the bootleg of aaron tveit in catch me if you can that angelica made

 **lagayette:** yes obviously

 **h0rsefucker:** in that case, yes

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**angel(ica):** well now that we’ve figured that out, who’s hungry? cause i could eat

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU ARE TALKING TO ME OUT LOUD AT THE SAME TIME THAT YOU’RE SENDING THIS MESSAGE

 **heavens2betsey:** WHY DO YOU DO THIS

 **angel(ica):** i SAID, w h o  i s  h u n g r y

 **heavens2betsey:**...i am

 **margaritaville:** me too

**angel(ica)** _has added_ **theOGgeorge** _to the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**angel(ica):** get up

 **theOGgeorge:** Yes

 **angel(ica):** WTF I THOUGHT YOU’D BE ASLEEP

 **theOGgeorge:**...You do know that I’m staying on Eliza’s couch, right? In the living room? That you are in? And I can hear you talking?

 **angel(ica):** ohhhh so that’s what that rattling noise was

 **margaritaville:** dude you need a nose strip or something, you sound congested

 **theOGgeorge:** WHAT DO YOU WANT

 **angel(ica):** u want food?

 **theOGgeorge:** Actually, yeah, I could eat

 **angel(ica):** WOW I JUST SAID THAT

 **angel(ica):** I MEAN IT’S CRAZY WE FINISH EACH OTHER’S

 **theOGgeorge:** Sentences

 **angel(ica):** yeah don’t interrupt me

 **theOGgeorge:** I felt like you left that open for me actually

 **theOGgeorge:** No? Okay.

 **theOGgeorge:** Where do you want to go? I’ll pay.

 **margaritaville:** O SHIT WADDUP

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU AND ANGELICA NEED TO STOP CHEST BUMPING

 **margaritaville:** you need to stop asking for unreasonable things

 **margaritaville:** can we get pizza

 **heavens2betsey:** yeahhh let’s get pizza

 **angel(ica):** with breadsticks

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m gonna hand you my phone and you can order from wherever

 **theOGgeorge:** I trust you

 **theOGgeorge:** Talk quieter though

 **theOGgeorge:** Wake me up when the food comes

 **angel(ica):** GOODNIGHT GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** Goodnight Angelica wow I’m so fancy and use punctuation and capitals

 **margaritaville:** we’re all looking at you messaging urself from george’s phone

 **margaritaville:** fix your life

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**dmadisin:** yo

 **dmadisin:** i missed everything apparently

 **mariacarey:** I THINK PEGGY BLOCKED ME

 **whambamthankuham:** you wouldn’t be in the group if they’d blocked you

 **mariacarey:** yeah you'd know, winner of the ms united block’t of america pageant

 **whambamthankuham:** u know what??

 **mariacarey:** what

 **whambamthankuham** : i don't know but fuck you buddy

 **dmadisin:** KFNDJKS

 **mariacarey:** can someone send me peggy’s number though bc they high tailed it out of here like they were getting paid to sprint

 **dmadisin:** so THAT'S who knocked my cup over

 **whambamthankuham:** I CAN'T BELIEVE PEGGY TURNED INTO SONIC THE HEDGEHOG SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DODGING AN AWKWARD SITUATION

 **dmadisin:** the only problem with being faster than light is that you can only live in darkness

 **mariacarey:** shut the fuck up knuckles the echidna

 **dmadisin** _has sent an image:_ **knocklestheunchilda.jpg**

 **mariacarey:** KNOCKLES THE UNCHILDA

 **mariacarey:** IMAGINE BEING INTRODUCED TO SOMEONE AS KNOCKELS THE UNCHIHDOLAJ

 **maricarey:** WHAT’S YA NAME MAN

 **whambamthankuham:** my name is knockles the unchilda,,, and there’s a million places i haven’t run,, just u wait, just u wait

 **mariacarey:** jijOHAOJDASMLKSDLAKXJSDKLX

 **dmadisin:** immmmIMCAIMSMADSCAOJIJ

 **turtle:** my next tattoo will be of knockles the unchilda

 **whambamthankuham:** GOD NO

 **whambamthankuham:** PLEASE DON’T DO THAT

 **turtle:** JSJDHSJSJSKXND

 **turtle:** im hungry can we eat

 **whambamthankuham:** yes

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**whambamthankuham:** betsey come over we're getting food

 **heavens2betsey:** u can come over here if u want me and angel and peg and gayorge are getting pizza

 **turtle:** OOH we will come and bring food too

 **heavens2betsey:** since that's basically everyone, want me to see if laf n herc r up

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah go for it

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘OG squad’**

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **theOGgeorge** _to the group:_ **‘OG squad’**

**heavens2betsey** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘OG squad + kg3’**

**heavens2betsey:** laf n herc u up?

 **lagayette:** yes im making crepes

 **h0rsefucker:** im watching them make crepes and providing commentary

 **heavens2betsey:** we r assembling the OG squad + george for a midnight feast, u in?

 **lagayette:** YES but will u come over here? i’ve already started the crepes and they're not as good reheated

 **heavens2betsey:** yes

 **heavens2betsey:** we r all gonna be in pajamas tho george is still asleep

 **lagayette:** it's ok im not wearing a shirt we’re all underdressed

 **theOGgeorge:** WE ARE COMING OVER SO FAST RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY

 **h0rsefucker:** KFNSISKJCDJAKSJOZLA

 **h0rsefucker:** GEORGE IS ME AS FUCK

 **heavens2betsey:** ok that settles it then, everyone got it?

 **whambamthankuham:** see u at the Temple of the Gays™

-o-

 **h0rsefucker:** k but do we watch the tveit bootleg or 2008 tonys

 **theOGgeorge:** 2008 Tonys

 **theOGgeorge:** Sutton Foster is my first option if I ever had to choose a fake wife

 **angel(ica):** #sickofthefakes #sickofthelies

 **theOGgeorge:** **second option for fake wife

 **theOGgeorge:** You can't get offended you're already my fake wife

 **angel(ica):** it's ok i’d cheat on you with sutton too

 **theOGgeorge:** WHO WOULDN'T

 **angel(ica):** can we actually get married

 **angel(ica):** then i could be queen of england

 **theOGgeorge:** You're already a queen, you don't need to marry me for that

 **angel(ica):** WHSHDJAKDKAJAJJS

 **angel(ica):** that’s so cute

 **angel(ica):** no but let's get married #4theshow i want your money

 **theOGgeorge:** You already have my credit card I really don't know what more I can give you

 **lagayette:** ANGELICA HAS YOUR CREDIT CARD IM SJDJAJSJ

 **theOGgeorge:** I gave it to her because it's faster to order food that way

 **theOGgeorge:** Actually wait

 **theOGgeorge:** We SHOULD get married

 **theOGgeorge:** Then everyone will believe I'm straight

 **angel(ica):** george honey no one will believe you’re straight

**theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **YouveGotMeThere.jpg**

**theOGgeorge:** Let's do it

 **angel(ica):** ok but can we have an open marriage

 **theOGgeorge:** We’re both gay why would we NOT have an open marriage

 **angel(ica):** JUST ASKING

 **angel(ica):** ok let’s do it

 **lagayette:** no one can get married now me and herc are doing it that's our thing

 **theOGgeorge:**...No one? Ever?

 **lagayette:** no.

 **lagayette:** now that we’re getting married no one can do it ever. anyone else who wants a spouse is just going to have to suck it up and live together for a common law marriage. official marriage is our thing. it’s MY thing and the marquis de lafayette will NOT be upstaged.

 **h0rsefucker:** i like how ur describing our future wedding as YOUR thing

 **lagayette:** well

 **lagayette:** it’s 90% my thing 10% my thing also

 **h0rsefucker:** that’s 100% your thing

 **lagayette:** i know did i stutter

 **h0rsefucker:** IJSODJISFDIOJ

 **lagayette:** look

 **lagayette:** this wedding is about ME and everyone is going to see how GREAT my life is

 **margaritaville:** if everyone is gonna see how great your life is can i be your maid of honor cause i’m the greatest part of your life

 **h0rsefucker:** but...me?? im the greatest part?? they’re marrying me??

 **margaritaville:** did i stutter

 **h0rsefucker:** SOTJISJFSOJA

 **lagayette:** you can be a bridesmaid

 **margaritaville:** WTF

 **margaritaville:** SO I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU IS WHAT YOU’RE SAYING

 **lagayette:** my friend adrienne has to be my maid of honor i promised her

 **margaritaville:** OMG IS ADRIENNE THAT HOT GIRL ON YOUR INSTAGRAM WITH THE BRAIDS WTF

 **angel(ica):** you have TWO girls interested in you, BACK OFF

 **margaritaville:** I JUST SAID SHE WAS HOT

 **angel(ica):** and i just said BACK OFF

 **margaritaville:** okay you got me there

 **margaritaville:** you go for it champ

 **angel(ica):** ;;;;)))))

 **angel(ica):** only a true friend would do that

 **margaritaville:** im nothin if not true

 **lagayette:** omg

**lagayette** _has added_ **gaydrienne** _to the group:_ **‘OG squad’**

**gaydrienne:** where am i

 **lagayette:** my friends think ur hot

 **gaydrienne:** which ones

 **lagayette:** peggy and angelica

 **gaydrienne:** OHMYGOD IS PEGGY THE ONE WITH THE CURLY HAIR

 **lagayette:** they both have curly hair

 **lagayette:** angelica is darker

 **gaydrienne:** HOYL SHIT ANGELICA CAN GET IT WHAT THE FUCK

 **angel(ica):** ;)

 **gaydrienne:** JDIFJSIFOSJDI

 **gaydrienne:** HI

 **angel(ica):** HI

 **gaydrienne:** ;;;;)))))))))))))

 **gaydrienne:** ok im sorry but i gotta go i’m walking into work

 **margaritaville:** it is 1 am where do u work

 **gaydrienne:** time zones fam

 **margaritaville:** O SHIT NVM

 **gaydrienne:** OMG IT’S OK

 **gaydrienne:** btw laf come home

 **gaydrienne:** we miss you

 **lagayette:** you know you can always come here

 **gaydrienne:** i have a real job you french fuck i can’t up and leave

 **lagayette:** we’re both french and also i have a real job too??

 **gaydrienne:**...anyway

 **gaydrienne:** COME HOME

 **h0rsefucker:** can i come too

 **gaydrienne:** HERCULES

 **gaydrienne:** OH MY GOD MY FUCKING SON

 **h0rsefucker:** MOM

 **lagayette:** i hate this

 **gaydrienne:** I FUCKING LOVE YOU DUDE

 **h0rsefucker:** I LOVE YOU TOO

 **h0rsefucker:** honestly though go to work??

 **gaydrienne:** yeah im standing in the lobby getting glared at by a receptionist while typing as fast as my grimy gay hands will go

 **gaydrienne:** angelica it was nice talking to you… dm me if u want

 **gaydrienne:** OK I’M GAYOING (gay going)

**gaydrienne** _has left the group:_ **‘OG squad’**

**margaritaville:** i wanna be ur maid of honor

 **lagayette:** if you can get adri to give it up you can have it

 **margaritaville:** HA oh lafayette

 **margaritaville:** when will you start giving me real challenges

 **margaritaville:** what color will my dress be

 **lagayette:** JIOJDFISOJDFS

 **lagayette:** herc has complete and total jurisdiction over that

 **margaritaville:** okay well

 **margaritaville:** looking forward to this!! because i’m going to do it and you’re gonna be like PEGGY HOW’D YOU DO THAT and i’m going to be like when will you learn that I Am God and then you’ll be like DJFSIJDFIJSJI and then i’ll be like yes i know

 **theOGgeorge:** I want to do things the way Peggy does things

 **heavens2betsey:** yeah that’s not happening george

 **angel(ica):** sit down george

 **angel(ica):** if we let you do things a la peggy i get the feeling you’re going to take over america and reinforce the stamp act or something

 **theOGgeorge:** I don’t think you’d let me do that

 **angel(ica):** you’re right i wouldn’t

 **whambamthankuham:** HEY ANGELICA SINCE YOU’VE GOT YOUR HEAD UP GEORGE’S ASS YOU SHOULD CHECK FOR PROSTATE CANCER WHILE YOU’RE IN THERE AND SINCE YOU’VE GOT HIS BALLS IN YOUR HAND TOO YOU MIGHT AS WELL LOOK FOR A HERNIA

 **theOGgeorge:** FUCKSDJFKIJSDFASJ

 **angel(ica):** S H  U  T U  P

 **whambamthankuham:** k we r pulling in

 **lagayette:** door is open

 **heavens2betsey:** we r 3 mins away we had to stop at walmart to pick up aloe vera for angelica and george’s third degree burns

 **theOGgeorge:** I HAVE BEEN D I S G R A C E D

 **theOGgeorge:** ALSO THE PIZZA IS GETTING COLD CAN WE GO MOM

 **heavens2betsey:** yes sorry kiddo

 **whambamthankuham:** STOP CALLING ELIZA MOM THAT’S NOT A THING!! IT IS NOT A THING

 **theOGgeorge:** M

 **theOGgeorge:** O

 **theOGgeorge:** M

 **whambamthankuham:** i can’t believe we had sex i’m ashamed

 **theOGgeorge:** No you’re not

 **whambamthankuham:** no im not

 **lagayette:** THE CREPES ARE GETTING COLD WE’RE STARTING WITHOUT YOU

 **turtle:** WE’RE COMING I’M DRAGGING ALEX BY THE EAR LIKE HE IS A GRIMY LITTLE CHILD IN AN 1800S ENGLISH BOARDING SCHOOL

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**heavens2betsey:** SHIT.

 **whambamthankuham:** Jesus Christ baby girl what time is it

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s 4 PM

 **heavens2betsey:** SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 **heavens2betsey:** JEFFERSON’S MACARONI PARTY IS IN TWO HOURS

 **whambamthankuham:** oh FUCK

 **turtle:** what the fuck

 **turtle:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO THAT

 **heavens2betsey:** I SAID I’D MAKE TIRAMISU

 **turtle:** well you can’t now betsey i don’t even think i can take a shower in two hours

 **heavens2betsey:** no i mean i already made it a day in advance and i have a back up one too but i mean

 **heavens2betsey:** UGH i don’t want to

 **heavens2betsey:** get everyone up

 **heavens2betsey:** if i’m going then everyone is going

 **heavens2betsey:** come on let’s go

 **turtle:** okay but let’s not do that

 **whambamthankuham:** you’re so smart john

 **whambamthankuham:** i agree let’s not go

 **heavens2betsey:** i will pull a lafayette if i have to and burn EVERYTHING

 **heavens2betsey:** we’re all going to this goddamn party even if it’s as miserable as a funeral, ya dig?

 **whambamthankuham:** yes ma’am we dig

 **turtle:** FINEEEE

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin** _has added_ **lagayette, h0rsefucker, turtle,** _and_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** y’all coming to the party today?

 **heavens2betsey:** we wouldn’t miss it for the world, james! tell jefferson that i have the tiramisu and i hope there’s a space on the table for it :)

 **jmadisin:** OMG AWESOME

 **jmadisin:** SEE U SOON

 **dmadisin:** come quick before i stab myself with a salad fork

 **mariacarey:** aw don’t do that you’re a part of the proletariat dolley your blood will make the fork rust prematurely

 **dmadisin:** fuck off

 **jmadisin:** dolley is sitting on maria’s lap and they’re making a senator uncomfortable

 **dmadisin:** why do you think we’re doing it

 **mariacarey:** WHY DID JEFFERSON INVITE SENATORS TO EAT NOODLES

 **jmadisin:** look i’m trying to be supportive so you know just. chill

 **mariacarey:** IM GONNA GRAB HER FUCKING BOOB NOW

 **jmadisin:** DON'T YOU DARE YOU FUCKING LESBIAN

 **mariacarey:** okay im sorry we'll be polite

 **dmadisin:** this is so boring

 **jmadisin:** ur supposed to be my fake wife stand by ur man pls

 **dmadisin:** #yawn

 **jmadisin:** PLES

 **dmadisin:** fine im coming over

 **dmadisin:** i can't wait for u to hear my heterosexual stepford wife laugh i’ve been practicing

 **jmadisin:** WOW IM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT

 **jmadisin:** ok just want to throw it out there: everybody pretend to be het please

 **jmadisin:** i know it's hard but there are Business People™ here,,, this could be good for all our careers

 **turtle:** I CALL DIBS ON ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** U CAN'T CALL DIBS EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS THAT ME AND ELIZA ARE DATING

 **angel(ica):** RIP IN PEACE

 **theOGgeorge:** DIBS ON ANGAYLICA

 **mariacarey:** DIBS ON LAFAYETTE

 **h0rsefucker:** wtf who am i gonna go with

 **margaritaville:** it's ok i’ll be ur fake gf

 **h0rsefucker:** WOW I LOVE MY GF

 **heavens2betsey:** EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK UR THEIR SUGAR DADDY UR SO OLD

 **h0rsefucker:** excuse me?? i am 24 years old??

 **lagayette:** you're 25, grandpa

 **h0rsefucker:** DON'T CALL ME GRANDPA

 **lagayette:** *grandpappy

 **h0rsefucker:** i WILL take the engagement ring back laf

 **lagayette: *** *daddy

 **h0rsefucker:** AKSJFJAKXKAJAJ

 **margaritaville:** what if i just call you daddy for the whole party

 **angel(ica):** I WILL KILL MYSELF

 **h0rsefucker:** that would be so funny wtf

 **margaritaville:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD

 **turtle:** wow so i don't have a fake gf now

 **turtle:** disgusting

 **margaritaville:** I CAN'T DATE BOTH OF YOU AT ONCE YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE

 **margaritaville:** ARM WRESTLE FOR IT

 **turtle:** HERCULES WILL CRUSH ME FUCK NO WE’RE NOT DOING THAT

 **lagayette:** no it's ok so maria should be john’s fake gf and peggy will be herc’s and then i will obnoxiously flirt with ALL of you so that people feel the need to ask for clarification as to who is dating who and they get rlly uncomfortable

 **h0rsefucker:** i love it

 **lagayette:** i love U

 **h0rsefucker:** IM DABBING

 **lagayette:** we are in the same room

 **lagayette:** i know

 **h0rsefucker:** k if everyone gets dressed now we can take my car

 **turtle:** DIBS ON THE SHOWER

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf??

 **turtle:** save water shower together

 **heavens2betsey:** i approve this message

 **margaritaville:** WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF US WHO AREN'T DATING AND NEED A SHOWER

 **angel(ica):** yeah let me go in first i need to rinse my hair

 **lagayette:** u can use my curl cream if u want

 **margaritaville:** FuCK IT UPPPPP

 **h0rsefucker:** okay everyone GO

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** angelica and peggy and john and laf are all fully clothed sticking their heads under the shower head so they can get their hair wet this is like watching puppies trying to bathe i love it

 **lagayette:** IT’S SO HARD TO MAINTAIN MY HAIR DON’T @ ME IT HAS TO BE WET BEFORE I BRUSSH IT OR I’LL GO BALD

 **angel(ica):** ME

-o-

 **lagayette:** we're coming

 **dmadisin:** THANK GOD

 **jmadisin:** ur het laugh sounds amazing dolley if i didn't know better i would've thought u were straight

 **dmadisin:** aw :) babe :)

 **dmadisin:** that's so nice :)

-o-

 **h0rsefucker:** ok is everyone ready to go in and be straight

 **margaritaville:** yes daddy

 **theOGgeorge:** OH GOD THAT’S AWFUL

 **theOGgeorge:** I WASN’T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING BUT THAT IS JUST SO BAD

 **margaritaville:** OH YOU’RE ONE TO TALK SHUT THE FUCK UP GEORGE

 **h0rsefucker:** IFJFJSKXKXOAOZ

 **h0rsefucker:** THIS IS #DADDYGAYTE ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** I come back to this

 **grgwshngturnt:** I can't believe y’all pretend you're so Wholesome™ and tHEN YOU DO THIS. LOOK AT YOURSELVES!! LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

 **h0rsefucker:** JDJFIALCKAJ

 **margaritaville:** IT'S BAD BUT IT'S SO FUNNY I'M GONNA DO IT FOREVER

 **angel(ica):** FISSKDJAKXL DISGUSTING

**angel(ica)** _has sent an image:_ **paulrudd-absolutelyfuckingdisgusting.jpg**

**margaritaville:** DKDJSKXK

 **margaritaville:** george sr. r u comin to this party

 **grgwshngturnt:** No

 **margaritaville:** why,, r u busy

 **grgwshngturnt:** No

 **grgwshngturnt:** I just don’t want to

 **margaritaville:** FUCKSJDFIJSOCA

 **jmadisin:** CAN YOU PLEASE JUST COME INSIDE GODDAMMIT Y'ALL

 **heavens2betsey:** WE'RE COMING

-o-

 **whambamthankuham:** this macaroni is so bad

 **heavens2betsey:** don't do it Alexander don’t say anything

-o-

 **angel(ica):** AKDKFKKAOSK

 **angel(ica):** JAMES DIFKSLSXKSMS

 **jmadisin:** WHAT I WENT TO THE BATHROOM

 **angel(ica):** OK SO WE WERE ALL ABOUT TO EAT AND IT WAS DEAD QUIET WHILE EVERYONE WAS DIGGING IN ADN THEN HAMILTON TOOK A REALLY BIG BITE OF MACARONI AND LOUDLY SPIT IT INTO HIS NAPKIN AND THEN MELODRAMATICALLY EXCUSED HIMSELF TO THE BATHROOM

 **jmadisin:** FUCJCKSJSKS

 **whambamthankuham:** for my next trick im gonna put a noodle up one nostril and shoot it out the other at jefferson’s fucking ugly suit

 **jmadisin:** KALALSPZLASJXZBXSJ

-o-

 **jmadisin:** fFCUKGIN HELL

 **whambamthankuham:** I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT MACARONI HIT HIM IN THE FACE I LITERALY DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD MAKE IT DOWN THE TABLE IM PISSING MYSLEF IM GONNA C R Y

 **mariacarey:** HOW DID YOU GET THAT SO FAR

 **whambamthankuham:** I JUST SJFDIADIJ I DON’T KNOW

 **turtle:** HE LOOKED SO SHOCKED LIKE WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT NOODLE COME FROM

 **turtle:** I WANT TO DIE

 **angle(ica):** where is eliza

 **turtle:** she’s getting the tiramisu i think

 **angel(ica):** ok we need to eat that and go im tired of being het

 **margaritaville:** where is my fake boyfriend i need another drink

 **h0rsefucker:** i’m talking to the south carolinian senator i can’t bring u anything i’m sorry

 **margaritaville:** oh i see u im coming over there do u want something to drink then

 **h0rsefucker:** is there alcohol here

 **margaritaville:** there’s some french wine but it smells weird to be honest with you

 **margaritaville:** thomas won’t tell me where the hard liquor is because i’m “underage”

 **jmadisin:** what u want fam

 **margaritaville:** WHISKEY

 **jmadisin:** k i’ll be right back

 **margaritaville:** THIS IS THE SUPPORT I NEED IN MY LIFE

 **h0rsefucker:** i’ll take water actually but enjoy ur whiskey

 **margaritaville:** sure thing daddy

 **grgwshngturnt:** ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DISGUSTING.

-o-

 **h0rsefucker:** PEGGY JUST CALLED ME DADDY IN FRONT OF THE SENATOR

 **margaritaville:** HE SPIT HIS WATER OUT IM GIGGLING

 **angel(ica):** THE SENATOR OR HERCULES

 **margaritaville:** THE SENATOR

 **h0rsefucker:** IM HYPERVENTILATING

 **jmadisin:** I DON’T GET HOW Y’ALL CAN TEXT WITHOUT LOOKING AT UR PHONES

 **margaritaville:** I HAVE MY HANDS FOLDED IN FRONT OF ME AND I LOOK DOWN TO SEE UR MESSAGES AND THEN I TYPE BACK WITHOUT LOOKING BC THAT’S MY ONLY SKILL

 **h0rsefucker:** WE’RE ON HERE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY HOW CAN YOU /NOT/ GET HOW TO DO THAT

 **jmadisin:** THAT’S TRUE

 **jmadisin:** I’VE GOTTEN SO AFRAID OF MISSING MESSAGES THAT I ORDERED A WATERPROOF CASE TO BRING MY PHONE WITH ME WHEN I SHOWER

 **turtle:** U MESSAGE US WHILE UR NAKED

 **jmadisin:** that’s just me showering,, laf messages u while they’re sucking herc off so don’t fucking @ me please

 **turtle:** OK TRU

-o-

 **mariacarey:** peggy are you gonna talk to us at all ever

 **h0rsefucker:** peggy will u get me food

 **margaritaville:** yes hercules hold on

 **margaritaville:** sorry can’t talk daddy’s calling

 **lagayette:** me when i receive a phone call from Washington

 **grgwshngturnt:** I'm still in here.

 **lagayette:** yes i know daddy

 **mrthwshngturnt:** THAT'S ME WHAT THE FUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** MARTHA STOP

 **mrthwshngturnt:** SKDOSPALCJSNX

 **h0rsefucker:** THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL I NEVER SHOULD HAVE AGREED TO THIS I WANT TO BE SINGLE

 **dmadisin:** james can i call you daddy

 **jmadisin:** absolutely fucking not

 **dmadisin:** that's what i thought but it doesn't hurt to ask

 **mariacarey:** yes it does hurt to ask

 **jmadisin:** IT REALLY DOES

 **whambamthankuham:** this tiramisu is the best thing i have ever put in my mouth and i’ve given john a blow job

**heavens2betsey, dmadisin, mariacarey, turtle, jmadisin, margaritaville, grgwshngturnt, theOGgeorge, h0rsefucker, lagayette,** _and_ **angel(ica)** _have left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** it's at times like this when one begins to wonder how far is too far

 **mrthwshngturnt:** well i think you just found out

 **whambamthankuham:** very true mom very true

 **mrthwshngturnt:** KKDKSKAJS

-o-

**whambamthankuham** _has added_ **heavens2betsey, dmadisin, mariacarey, turtle, jmadisin, margaritaville, grgwshngturnt, theOGgeorge, h0rsefucker, lagayette,** _and_ **angel(ica)** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** CAN WE GO YET

 **angel(ica):** NO THOMAS PAINE IS HERe i juS FOUND OUT AND IM GONNA TALK TO HIM OR I’LL DIE

 **jmadisin:** IM RIPPING YM WEAVE OUT I LITERALLY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE WAS HERE

 **lagayette:** LET ME DIE

 **mariacarey:** I JUST DABBED SO HARD I SPILLED MY DRINK

 **theOGgeorge:** WHO IS THAT

 **margaritaville:** sometimes i forget ur not from here

 **angel(ica):** THOMAS PAINE IS THE GUY WHO WROTE COMMON SENSE

 **theOGgeorge:** I haven’t heard of this please explain

 **jmadisin:** OH TO HAVE THE DIVINE PRIVILEGE OF BEING UNKNOWING

 **theOGgeorge:** IM SORRY AODFJISDJ

 **jmadisin:** thomas paine wrote common sense which is a pamphlet detailing what the country would be like if the declaration of independence and the constitution had mentioned rights for minorities but with a heavy focus on rights for trans people especially trans people of color

 **jmadisin:** it’s literally the best thing ever written and i have a copy of it screened on to a dildo so i can shove it the fuck up my ass

 **angel(ica):** i couldn’t have put it better myself to be honest with you

 **jmadisin:** it’s more popular in america but it’s making its way around tumblr finally i think everyone should read it

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m googling it

 **jmadisin:** anyway i am but a simple *looks at smudged writing on hand* trains

 **angel(ica):** STOP DRAGGING YOURSELF

 **theOGgeorge:** A SIMPLE TRAINS

 **jmadisin:** LOOK I FORGOT HOW TO COME OUT TO PEOPLE SHUT UP OKAY I’M TRANS IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW THAT’S ALL

 **theOGgeorge:** SJDFIJDFISJ OK COOL

 **jmadisin:** THAT IS HOW LEGISLATORS THINK OF ME ANYWAY,, A SIMPLE TRAINS WHO CAN’T USE PUBLIC RESTROOMS

 **theOGgeorge:** You’re a complicated automotive to me, Gaymes

 **margaritaville:** gayme(me)s

 **jmadisin:** brb legally changing my name to gaymemes

 **gaymemes:** O SHIT WADDUP

 **dmadisin:** TOP THIS

 **gaymemes:** actually i’m a bottom

 **dmadisin:** I MEANT STOP THIS

 **dmadisin:** GAYMES IS OUT OF CONTROL

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** is the macaroni good

 **heavens2betsey:** JIDFJSDF WHEN DID U GET HERE

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** ME AND THEO COULDN’T COME SHE’S ON BEDREST STILL

 **deartheo:** what does bedrest REALLY mean

 **yrobdntsrvnt:**...rest...in...bed…

 **deartheo:** but what does it MEAN

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** i can’t do this right now theodosia

 **deartheo:** JSIDJOjiasdfDF

 **whambamthankuham:** the macaroni is absolutely fucking disgusting

 **grgwshngturnt:** Is the Paul Rudd Meme the new #Thing

 **mrthwshngturnt:** that would be cute except i know you don’t get how to Ironically Capitalize and ur just doing that to be grammatically correct

 **grgwshngturnt:** fuk u

 **lagayette:** GWASH IN LOWERCASE IS UNSETTLING

 **lagayette:** STOP IT

 **grgwshngturnt:** this is my new, as the kids call it, aesthetic

 **deartheo:** gaysthetic

 **grgwshngturnt:** yes

 **margaritaville:** this makes me so incredibly uncomfortable

 **whambamthankuham:** I’m typing like this now because someone has to.

 **turtle:** GOD I FUCKING HATE THAT

 **jmadisin:** hold on thomas wants to be added

 **whambamthankuham:** No.

 **gaymemes:** THAT S SO DRAMATIC IM RIOTING

 **heavens2betsey:** my little pony episode 9299283848: punctuation is magic

 **gaymemes:** DON’T BRING MLP INTO THIS

 **mariacarey:** WHAT R U GONNA SAY UR A BRONY NOW

 **gaymemes:** NO I JUST MEANT I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ASOFSCOICAS

**gaymemes** _has added_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**callmemacaroni:** YOU ARE NOT TEENAGERS

 **callmemacaroni:** STOP STANDING IN THE CORNER IN A CIRCLE ON YOUR PHONES I KNOW YOU’RE ALL MESSAGING EACH OTHER

 **margaritaville:** this is so rude daddy are you gonna do something about this

 **h0rsefucker:** SJIFAJDIF

 **h0rsefucker:** WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NO ONE CAN STOP TJEFF FROM BEING AN INFLAMED ASSHOLE

 **callmemacaroni:** THIS IS MY  PARTY! SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **lagayette:** i narrowly restrained myself from responding with “no one speaks to daddy like that”, you’re welcome

 **angel(ica):** im going to delete my account

 **whambamthankuham:** This is what I’ve been waiting for.

 **theOGgeorge:** STOP TYPING LIKE THAT IT’S ONLY CUTE WHEN I DO IT

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** i need 2 go

 **deartheo:** this is a toxic environment for my daughter

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** agreed

 **deartheo:** no she’s mine

 **yrobdntsrvnt:**?? she’s ours when diapers need to be changed but she’s yours when you need to be dramatic

 **deartheo:** actually yes that sounds about right

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** honestly? fine? i love you so much i’ll put up with whatever shenanigayns you want

 **angel(ica):** dark web show me healthy relationships with support and communication

 **angel(ica):** result: burr and theo

 **deartheo:** JFOIASJDFIJASDJAISDJ

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** AOSFIAJCLD

 **angel(ica):** im aromantic and i still want a romantic relationship like y’all

 **gaymemes:** me

 **angel(ica):** LITERALLY NOT YOU

 **angel(ica):** AND CHANGE YOUR USER BACK

 **jmadisin:** UR RIGHT THAT WAS CONFUSING

 **callmemacaroni:** GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONES

 **margaritaville:** fine then throw away your vape

 **callmemacaroni:**?? that has nothing to do with this

 **angel(ica):** DUMP THE VAPE DUMP THE VAPE

 **heavens2betsey:** DUMP THE VAPE DUMP THE VAPE

 **whambamthankuham:** #VapeEscape2k16

 **turtle:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **jmadisin:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **deartheo:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **dmadisin:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **mariacarey:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **h0rsefucker:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **grgwshngturnt:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **mrthwshngturnt:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **heavens2betsey:** ESCAPE THE VAPE

 **whambamthankuham:** BURR, SAY SOMETHING

**yrobdntsrvnt** _has sent an image:_ **blurrymrkrabs.jpg**

**margaritaville:** ME ME ME ME ME

 **margaritaville:** seriously i’ll get off my phone when i see u pour ur vape juice down the sink

 **callmemacaroni:** peggy this is so childish

 **margaritaville:** IM ONLY 19 THOMAS

 **whambamthankuham:** But your mind is older

 **margaritaville:** tru

 **callmemacaroni:** this is ridiculous im going back to the party

 **whambamthankuham:** OK, Popeye.

 **callmemacaroni:** what?? why r u calling me popeye

 **whambamthankuham:** Because you’re a chicken.

 **h0rsefucker:** GOT EM FSJIDFJISJ

 **callmemacaroni:** EXCUSE ME??

 **whambamthankuham:** You heard me.

 **callmemacaroni:** TAKE IT BACK

 **whambamthankuham:** No

 **whambamthankuham:** Fuck you

 **callmemacaroni:** DISGUSTING

**callmemacaroni** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**turtle:** that was a playground level taunt and i LOVED IT

 **heavens2betsey:** ok everyone go talk to thomas paine and then we can leave

 **heavens2betsey:** angelica don’t have sex with thomas paine in the linen closet

 **angel(ica):**?? ONE TIME and now i get flack for it?? fuck off

 **jmadisin:** YOU’VE ALREADY HAD SEX WITH THOMAS PAINE ONCE?

 **angel(ica):** no it was someone else ok shut up please and thank you

 **whambamthankuham:** JEJFISFJSLSCJS

 **h0rsefucker:** this is a terrible party but i passed out 9 business cards i can’t wait to help these sad sad men with their wardrobes

 **margaritaville:** do we all talk to paine at the same time or do we go one at a time bc if we go all at once it will make us seem like Weird Trans Fans but also i don’t want to wait to talk to him

 **angel(ica):** im going first

 **jmadisin:** I WILL BEAT U TO IT

 **angel(ica):** NO U WILL NOT

 **margaritaville:** FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

 **mariacarey:** i want a t shirt that says Weird Trans Fans on it

 **margaritaville:** JEJJSKSS

-o-

 **angel(ica):** everyone come over here quick he said he’s leaving in like 15 minutes bc he’s had his binder on for like 10 hours and he can’t stand it anymore

 **lagayette:** ROLLING IN ON MY HEELIES

 **mariacarey:** a collection of trains appears

 **angel(ica):** STOP DRAGGING URSELVES?? I, A SIMPLE DEMIGIRL EGG, WON’T STAND FOR IT??

 **mariacarey:** i like how you had to clarify what brand of egg you are

 **angel(ica):** im establishing my poultry credibility

 **mariacarey:** bye angelica

-o-

 **margaritaville:** mom can we go

 **heavens2betsey:** did u talk to ur friend

 **margaritaville:** yes

 **heavens2betsey:** ok we can go

 **angel(ica):** should we say bye to thomas (jefferson not paine)

 **heavens2betsey:** no

 **heavens2betsey:** i put his expensive whiskey in my purse and took his expensive face lotion so we can just leave

 **angel(ica):** JFIJSODFISJ

 **heavens2betsey:** everyone report back to the door i’ll meet u there

 **whambamthankuham:** K

 **turtle:** im taking the tiramisu

 **heavens2betsey:** THE WHOLE TRAY??

 **turtle:** all of it

 **turtle:** i want it

-o-

 **dmadisin:** spotted: john laurens walking out carrying a 13x9 tray of tiramisu and a fork with a very smug expression on his face

 **turtle:** #EXPOSED

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **dmadisin**

**dmadisin:** can we talk before u go tho?? i feel like we have Things To Discuss

 **margaritaville:** sorry i have to go right now immediately

 **margaritaville:** unfortunately daddy’s calling

 **dmadisin:** HE IS NOT

 **dmadisin:** YOU FILTHY LIAR

 **margaritaville:** yes he is gotta blast bye

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**margaritaville:** DOLLEY TRIED TO TALK TO ME BUT I PANICKED AND SAID DADDY’S CALLING AGAIN

 **angel(ica):** YYOU EMOTIONALLY STUNTED CHILD IM SO SORRY

 **heavens2betsey:** JISJFDISODJFAIOF

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS

 **margaritaville:** I LOVE AVOIDANCE AND SCAMMING! BYE!!!

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**heavens2betsey:** say it with me now

 **angel(ica):** goddammit peggy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW okay so that was kinda a lot of people coming out at once but. i have a LOT of headcanons for these characters that i realized i have not mentioned? and i am sorry for that bc u can't read my mind? but yes james madisin is a trans man and ace (u knew that last one), maria is questioning her gender but uses she/her pronouns, angelica is a demigirl, and laf and peggy are genderfluid as u know. k peace out love you bye
> 
> also wow i miss lin's hair. also tweet me #daddygatethesequel if u read this bc i love u and wanna talk.


	17. goddammit lafayette (and peggy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with peggy being Wild, the squad leaving jefferson's macaroni party, and washington staying in his own lane always and forever. now angelica has a conundrum, peggy is trying to fix their life, eliza's got an idea (And So Does John), and george (III) is gay as FUCK LMAOO!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HELLO HELLO OMFG IT'S BEEN LIKE A MONTH IM SCREAMING. hi thank you for all ur sweet comments i answered like 25 of them and im still trying to work my way through!! i love u all!! also omfg. IM SO GLAD PEOPLE ENJOYED THE ALEX/GEORGE FIC SJDIFJISF IT'S MY BABY TBH. if u haven't read it GO CHECK THE RELATED WORKS BIT FOR THE LINK! ALSO O SHIT WADDUP I HAD MY BIRTHDAY IM OLD NOW! and lin is back from vacay and he's tweeting again and im fulfilled. k so: thanks to enj as always. and thx to my sister for the idea about a sock app (you'll see). this chap is kind of confusing maybe bc it jumps all over the place so? if you need something cleared up just talk to me i'd be happy to explain! I'LL MEET YOU AT THE BOTTOM GO GO GO!!

_1 New Chat from:_ **turtle**

**whambamthankuham:** hey

 **turtle:** wassup

 **turtle:** i went to the store do you want anything

 **whambamthankuham:** we need milk and also i love you

 **turtle:** ok and i love you too

 **whambamthankuham:** okay i just feel like i don’t tell you enough

 **whambamthankuham:** if burr like. idk. shot me tomorrow in a duel or something i’d just want you to know that i love you and you mean everything to me and i want a lifetime with you

 **turtle:** a lifetime??

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah i mean like

 **whambamthankuham:** idk listen

 **whambamthankuham:** i love you and i’m IN love with you and i just want u to know that i might tease you sometimes or whatever but you’re the love of my life and my best friend and i’m never going to leave you and i hope that we spend the rest of our lives together doing exactly what we’re doing

 **whambamthankuham:** i hope we always get to have fun together whether that means going to denny’s at 2 am or being on a joint insurance plan idk you mean the most to me and i value you immensely you make every part of my life better and im very grateful for you

 **turtle:** we’re not getting married because i know you have a low credit score and i have a perfect one so don’t get any ideas

 **whambamthankuham:** JOHN

 **whambamthankuham:** YOU’RE SO FUCKING MEAN

 **turtle:** you like me that way

 **whambamthankuham:** VERY TRUE BUT NOT RIGHT NOW

 **turtle:** IM KIDDING BABE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **turtle:** that was very sweet and i teared up while elbowing someone out of the way for milk

 **turtle:** i’ll see you at home ok?

 **turtle:** and you BETTER not duel with burr i’ll fucking kill you myself

 **whambamthankuham:** NO ONE IS DUELING

 **whambamthankuham:** UNLESS IT’S ON POKEMON GO

 **turtle:** we should go to the park later and catch pokemon together

 **whambamthankuham:** yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** ok im gonna finish this stuff for GW and go home and take a nap i haven’t slept in 22 hours just wake me up when you get back

 **turtle:** okay

 **turtle:** you really need to sleep??

 **turtle:** i love you

 **whambamthankuham:** sorry i can’t hear u over the sound of my low credit score

 **turtle:** um never mind fuck you

 **whambamthankuham:** you can when you get home

 **turtle:** BLIZZOCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** will u still love me if i get a tattoo that says blizzocked on my ass?

 **turtle:** i’ll still love you if you get a rage meme tattoo on your ass

 **whambamthankuham:** OH M Y GO D

 **whambamthankuham:** SHIT FAM U AIN’T PLAYING

 **turtle:** nah im for real

 **whambamthankuham:** THIS MAKES ME FEEL 20 TIMES BETTER ABOUT MY DECLARATION OF LOVE

 **turtle:** IT’S RECIPROCATED I PROMISE

 **whambamthankuham:** :)))))))))) <3333333

 **turtle:** <33333333333 :))))))))))

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **angel(ica)**

**angel(ica):** I NEED HELP

 **grgwshngturnt:** Yes?

 **angel(ica):** oh no i’m sorry i meant to send this to peggy and eliza

 **grgwshngturnt:** That’s okay

 **grgwshngturnt:** Maybe I can help

 **grgwshngturnt:** what’s wrong

 **angel(ica):** why’d you start typing in lowercase

 **grgwshngturnt:** i’m trying to be approachable

 **grgwshngturnt:** i mean i know i’m alexander’s boss but we’re friends too and i care about you

 **angel(ica):** that’s really nice

 **angel(ica):** friend

 **grgwshngturnt:** :)

 **angel(ica):** okay yes

 **angel(ica):** so

 **angel(ica):** u know my gifted student program?

 **grgwshngturnt:** yes

 **angel(ica):** this coming fall semester im only supposed to be taking one class and then im supposed to focus on getting an internship and shadowing a successful person?

 **angel(ica):** i talked them into letting me take two bc if i just take one it’s gonna be SOOOO boring. but anyway i don’t know who to shadow now and im supposed to get my application in by the end of the summer

 **angel(ica):** and i don’t know i really need to find a job because i need to flesh out my resume and i need suggestions like who should i work for

 **grgwshngturnt:** do you want to work for me

 **angel(ica):** im sorry what

 **grgwshngturnt:** well you need a job and i can give you one

 **angel(ica):** oh sir that’s really nice of you but i would never want you to feel like you HAD to give me a job just because im friends with alex

 **grgwshngturnt:** no actually this could be really good

 **grgwshngturnt:** my head of PR charles lee and i just

 **grgwshngturnt:** well

 **grgwshngturnt:** we parted ways

 **angel(ica):** oh isn’t that the guy who shat the bed at the monmouth press conference and like passed out in front of an entire crowd

 **angel(ica):** and then when you publicly reprimanded him and sent alex to do his job he PHOTOSHOPPED PICS OF U SMOKING WEED AND SOLD THEM TO THE PRESS?? AND THEN WAS LIKE “HAHA WASH SHOULD GO BACK TO PLANTING TOBACCO IN MT VERNON...IF THAT’S THE ONLY THING HE’S PLANTING ;;;)” and then john almost got arrested for beating him up and alex had to defend him in court and BURR defended lee in the case?? and then martha had alex sue him on your behalf for defamation

 **angel(ica):** and then alex won but everyone saw you arguing with him outside of the courthouse and the New Yorker wrote a think piece on it called “meet him inside” about how modern media accelerates the degradation of content and continues to create a more simplistic and harmful view of multifaceted social issues by contributing to black and white thinking on a nationwide scale and how THAT in turn affects politics and interpersonal hierarchy in the workplace?

 **grgwshngturnt:** that’s not what’s important here

 **grgwshngturnt:** wait why were you following that story so closely

 **angel(ica):** I WASN’T

 **angel(ica):** I DON’T CARE AND I DIDN’T WRITE A BLOG PSOT ABOUT IT IM LEAVIGNG DELETE MY NUMBER

 **grgwshngturnt:** ….anyway i’m offering you a prestigious position with pay and you can shadow me if you want

 **grgwshngturnt:** i need driven young people like you who know how to get the job done

 **grgwshngturnt:** i trust you and as a bonus you get to yell at alexander when he fucks up

 **angel(ica):** are you shitting me

 **grgwshngturnt:** no

 **grgwshngturnt:** take it

 **grgwshngturnt:** the job is yours if you want it

 **angel(ica):** fuck

 **angel(ica):** this would be a mean joke

 **grgwshngturnt:** it’s not

 **angel(ica):** i’d love to. thank you so much i’m so grateful for this

 **angel(ica):** i owe you big time

 **grgwshngturnt:** angelica, you don’t owe me anything

 **grgwshngturnt:** you are an exemplary student and an upstanding member of your community with a natural understanding of politics and diplomacy and any place of business would be lucky to have you in their employ

 **angel(ica):** JSIDFSJFS

 **angel(ica):** im

 **angel(ica):** ok i will cry

 **grgwshngturnt:** OOPS NO

 **grgwshngturnt:** sorry

 **grgwshngturnt:** um

 **grgwshngturnt:** ay lmao?

 **angel(ica):** AY LMAO

 **angel(ica):** seriously thank you

 **grgwshngturnt:** when can you start

 **angel(ica):** when do you want me to

 **grgwshngturnt:** i have a press release alex is working on that you can take a look at if you want?

 **angel(ica):** have him email it to me and send him home

 **angel(ica):** i’m here for you sir

 **grgwshngturnt:** you’re going to do very well. thank you.

 **angel(ica):** :) <3

 **angel(ica):** am i still allowed to send you emoticons

 **grgwshngturnt:** press secretary and head of pr with benefits <3 :)

 **angel(ica):** JSIFJSIJ

 **grgwshngturnt:** to be clear the benefits are friendship not sexual

 **angel(ica):** OMG I KNOW

 **grgwshngturnt:** OK GOOD

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**heavens2betsey:** okay so i have an idea

 **whambamthankuham:** is this what you’ve been writing this whole time

 **heavens2betsey:** um not exactly?

 **turtle:** OMG WAIT ELIZA I HAVE AN IDEA TOO

 **heavens2betsey:** no john this is a real idea

 **turtle:** eliza i have real ideas too and it’s rude of you to imply that i don’t

***

_July 26, 2013, 2:46 AM_

**turtle:** YOU GUYS

 **turtle:** THINK ABOUT THIS PLEASE

 **turtle:** AN APP THAT CONNECTS PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE SAME FOOD

 **turtle:** SAY YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SUSHI BUT YOUR FRIEND DOESN’T LIKE SUSHI

 **turtle:** YOU JUST HOP ON MY APP, WHICH WILL BE CALLED SPORK, AND FIND A LIKE-MINDED FOODIE TO GO TO LUNCH WITH!!!

 **whambamthankuham:** john you said you’d come clubbing at TEN PM, where are you

 **turtle:** IM AT HOME WHERE ARE YOU? I COMPLETELY FORGOT I’D SAID THAT

 **whambamthankuham:** i went out with herc and betsey since you DIDN’T CARE TO SHOW UP and herc met some french person and gave them a handjob in the bathroom it was wild

 **turtle:** WTF UGH OH MY GOD IM SORRY I MISSED IT

 **heavens2betsey:** IT WAS HILARIOUS I GAVE THEM MY PHONE NUMBER IN CASE THEY WANT TO HANG OUT LATER

***

_August 27, 2013, 2:39 AM_

**turtle:** you guys. consider this. a movie called weekend at gurneys. the premise is the same as weekend at barney’s but it’s set in a hospital WITH GURNEYS

 **turtle:** GEDDIT

 **whambamthankuham:**...not now, john

***

_December 13, 2014, 12:56 AM_

**turtle:** YOU GUYS

 **turtle:** THINK ABOUT THIS

 **turtle:** AN APP THAT ALLOWS YOU TO POST A PICTURE OF A SOCK THAT’S MISSING A PARTNER

 **turtle:** THEN PEOPLE SCROLL THROUGH AND SEE IF THEY HAVE A SIMILAR SOCK THAT THEY CAN GIVE TO YOU TO MAKE A PAIR

 **turtle:** AND IT’S CALLED “FOOTLOOSE”

 **heavens2betsey:** go to sleep, john

***

_January 29, 2015, 3:45 AM_

**turtle:** YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **turtle:** CONSIDER THIS

 **turtle:** AN APP THAT ALLOWS SINGLE PEOPLE TO ORDER EMERGENCY TOILET PAPER WHEN THEY’RE HOME ALONE AND RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER

 **heavens2betsey:** um

 **whambamthankuham:** goodnight, john

***

_May 16, 2015, 6:38 AM_

**turtle:** an app called ‘drop of the hat’ that pairs haberdasheries and bald people

 **whambamthankuham:** send this to burr

***

_May 16, 2015, 6:40 AM_

**turtle:** would u invest in an app called drop of the hat that pairs bald people with haberdasheries?

_You can no longer send messages to this user._

**turtle:** BURR DID YOU BLOCK ME!?

***

_Present Day_

**heavens2betsey:** okay john you’re right. i’m sorry, and that was wrong of me to cast aspersions like that. you have the floor and we’re both all ears. please tell us what your idea is

 **turtle:** thank you eliza that’s very big of you

 **turtle:** it’s an app called shredded. it connects huge corporate companies that shred a lot of paper with people who own hamsters, gerbils, or other pets that need to be house broken. then the paper goes towards bedding for the animals instead of getting wasted!!

 **whambamthankuham:** um

 **whambamthankuham:** well the name is a little misleading because it makes me feel like it’s gonna be rlly hard core but it’s just you taking paper scraps from bill gates for little timmy’s gerbil named janelle down the road but

 **turtle:** but i’d be like robin hood! stealing paper from the rich to give to the poor! or just people who need paper bedding for hamsters not really the poor

 **whambamthankuham:** is it STEALING if they’re GIVING it to you?

 **turtle:** THIS IS AMAZING YOU GUYS

 **heavens2betsey:** well

 **heavens2betsey:** actually i kind of like it

 **heavens2betsey:** this might be your best idea since spork

 **whambamthankuham:** spork was tinder for food we just didn’t realize it at the time

 **whambamthankuham:** fucking revolutionary

 **turtle:** YOU GUYS REMEMBER SPORK?

 **whambamthankuham:** um duh of course we remember spork

 **whambamthankuham:** spork was lit as fuck i hope you go through with it some day

 **turtle:** omg

 **turtle:** i don’t know it just kind of seemed like you guys weren’t really listening every time i tried to pitch my ideas

 **heavens2betsey:** of course we were listening

 **whambamthankuham:** john there’s never been a time where you said something and i wasn’t paying attention

 **whambamthankuham:** i mean we have a psychic link so do i NEED to listen? no. but DO i? yes obviously

 **whambamthankuham:** ever wondered why i spent $150 on a YOGURT MAKER before i paid rent

 **turtle:** i HAVE always wanted a yogurt maker

 **whambamthankuham:** yes john i KNOW

 **whambamthankuham:** you said that in 2014 while we were at mount vernon for martha’s birthday party and she said she made her own yogurt

 **whambamthankuham:** it was 12:30 PM ish with the sun coming through the skylight and your freckles were very dark because we’d been out in the sun the whole weekend and u said u always wanted to make yogurt but ur dad didn’t let u have any growing up bc yogurt is “gay” and  “not a man’s snack”

 **whambamthankuham:** never let it be said that i don’t listen

 **heavens2betsey:** that is a strangely specific memory

 **whambamthankuham:** memeory

 **heavens2betsey:** memeories, all alone in the memelight, has the meme lost her memeories, she is smiling alone

 **whambamthankuham:** in the memelight, the withered leaves collect at my feet, and the wind begins to memeeeeeee

 **turtle:** IM SFOSDJF

 **turtle:** WHAT THE UFKC

 **turtle:** first of all that’s HILARIOUS i want to see barbara streisand singing memeories now

 **turtle:** I’M SORRY FOR ACCUSING YOU OF NOT LISTENING TO ME I SEE NOW THAT I WAS WRONG

 **heavens2betsey:** IT’S OK

 **whambamthankuham:** WE’RE IN FULL SUPPORT OF SHREDDED, HOW CAN WE HELP MAKE IT HAPPEN

 **turtle:** IF U KNOW ANY PROGRAM DEVELOPERS JUST LET ME KNOW

 **heavens2betsey:** I’LL KEEP U POSTED

 **whambamthankuham:** SAME

 **turtle:** okay sorry that i rudely interrupted

 **turtle:** what’s your idea

 **heavens2betsey:** um

 **heavens2betsey:** hold on

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **angel(ica)** _and_ **magaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**heavens2betsey:** r u here

 **angel(ica):** yes

 **margaritaville:** yes

 **heavens2betsey:** so

 **whambamthankuham:** ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO MAKE THE SWITCH TO FLAVORED LUBE

 **heavens2betsey:** no?? i already mistake the lube in your bathroom for toothpaste we’re not making it harder on me

 **margaritaville:** ^!!!!!!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** okay so

 **heavens2betsey:** i’ve kind of been thinking about this for quite some time but. you know how i work with the education center/orphanage kind of thing right now?

 **turtle:** yes

 **heavens2betsey:** well it’s kind of been stagnating for a while now. like idk i never would’ve guessed it but rich people are mad stingy? we’re having trouble getting funding for a whole lot of different stuff

 **heavens2betsey:** so. i . want to start my own orphanage? i want to basically buy out the one that i work at right now so i have more control to get the things that we need. and i know it’s ambitious but. i’m adding it to my five year plan because i want it SO BAD i know i could help so many kids if i could get the money for this and privatize it and pick my own donors and stuff

 **heavens2betsey:** so. you know. we out here

 **heavens2betsey:** is that stupid? am i being stupid? i know it’s not a very detailed plan but i’ll probably have more later i jsut wanted to see what you thought first?

 **heavens2betsey:** he-sweat-tothetuneofthewiimenumusic-sixhourversion.mp3

 **angel(ica):** NO YOU’RE NOT STUPID

 **angel(ica):** THAT’S A REALLY AMAZING IDEA ELIZA

 **whambamthankuham:** JSJSIJCJOSAJC

 **whambamthankuham:** HOOLY SHIT

 **whambamthankuham:** HOLY HELL OKA Y LET’S DO IT HOW DO WE HELP

 **heavens2betsey:** is it?? an okay idea?

 **turtle:** YES WHT THE FUCK LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN

 **whambamthankuham:** BEHIND U ALL THE WAY

 **margaritaville:** i will literally rob people on the street to fund this let’s fucking. do it

 **angel(ica):** ^ if going to jail is what it takes then i’ll hold bill gates at gunpoint and make him put a cool million in a suitcase and mail it to you

 **heavens2betsey:** HE SCREAM AT OWN ASS

 **heavens2betsey:** UGH I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE

 **whambamthankuham:** I LLOVE YOU

 **margaritaville:** lOVE U

 **angel(ica):** I LLLLOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEE U

 **turtle:** ur ok i guess

 **heavens2betsey:** WOW

 **turtle:** I’M KIDDING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **heavens2betsey:** okay i’m going to go to the store tomorrow and buy a new mason jar for the orphanage fund

 **angel(ica):** okay white lady pinterest guru

 **heavens2betsey:** STOP I LIKE DECORATING THE JARS

 **turtle:** were you like born to be a surburban mom or what

 **whambamthankuham:** IKR WHAT THE FUCK

 **margaritaville:** leave eliza alone we need her to be this responsible and innocent otherwise we’re all fucking dead

 **angel(ica):** tru but also honestly. sometimes it’s unfair to eliza to put her in the Mom™ box

 **angel(ica):** she is a good person and she IS responsible and gentle but i think people are often quick to reduce her to an overly feminized angel in the house type of person and that’s just as harmful as overlooking her all together? she’s a real person and she’s got her own ambitions, talents, and prospects when she is separated from hamilton or the caretaker role in general,,, i wish more people would recognize what a driven and intelligent person eliza is on top of her gentle meme-ry and easygoing spirit,,, she’s not?? a god,,, she’s just a really nice person who is still human and has faults but also has a great personality that has nothing to do with  sainthood,, which almost makes her better?? Set Her Free?

 **angel(ica):** IM NOT @ ING YOU PEGGY I JUST MEAN OTHER PEOPLE ARE QUICK TO CATEGORIZE HER AS THAT AND I FEEL BAD? SJDISJFSI SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT @ YOU I SWEAR

 **margaritaville:** NO IT’S OK I UNDERSTAND

 **margaritaville:** VERY GOOD POINTS HONESTLY

 **heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe angelica just wrote a dissertation about how im a nice person

 **heavens2betsey:** ur so sweet i love u angel!!

 **angel(ica):** i love you too!!

 **margaritaville:** can we hang out tonight or what

 **heavens2betsey:** or what

 **heavens2betsey:** i want to take a bath i DIYed bath jellies off the refinery29 snapchat today and i want to treat myself

 **margaritaville:** …

 **heavens2betsey:** YES im aware that's playing right into the Mom™ stereotype but i LIKE baths

 **angel(ica):** ok fair

 **turtle:** baths are germ soup they're disgusting i will NOT take part in them

 **whambamthankuham:** we fucked in the bath YESTERDAY john stop fuckin lyin

 **turtle:** my mom is calling

 **turtle:** sorry she said i have to go

**margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **paulrudd-absolutelyfuckingdisgusting.jpg**

**angel(ica):** im only keeping my mouth shut bc that #exposed john for being a filthy liar who takes it up the ass

 **turtle:** shut up angelica YOU'RE a filthy liar who takes it up the ass

 **angel(ica):** I AM NOT

**turtle** _has added_ **theOGgeorge** _to the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **eye-emoji-zoomedin.jpg**

**angel(ica):** I NEED 2 GO!

 **margaritaville:** GEROGE

 **theOGgeorge:** JOHN WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME PEGGY WAS IN HERE

 **theOGgeorge:** Hi Peggy haha Angelica is very clean and pure and has never made jokes about OR engaged in anything to do with ass play, NOT that I would know anything about either of those things OR anything about sex because I have never had it and never will as it is disgusting and also illegal in the UK

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**turtle:** WHY IS ME TAKING IT UP TJE ASS A SURPRISE

 **angel(ica):** IT'S NOT BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO IT IN THE BATH DOESN’T THAT WASH AWAY YOUR LUBE

 **turtle:** I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

 **heavens2betsey:** anyway im taking the bath ALONE...NO one is invited WHETHER OR NOT you take it up the ass…

 **turtle:** oh come on betsey that's no fun :(

**angel(ica)** _has left the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**theOGgeorge** _has left the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**heavens2betsey:** ok u can come BUT THIS IS A TREAT YOSELF OCCASION not a have sex occasion

 **turtle:** okay

 **heavens2betsey:** I MEAN IT

 **turtle:** OKAY

 **whambamthankuham:** ;;))

 **heavens2betsey:** okay we can have sex BUT NOT IN THE BATH

 **turtle:** ELIZA IM LAUGJINY SO HARD

 **heavens2betsey:** IM RESCINDING THE OFFER

 **turtle:** NEVER MIND

 **turtle:** IS THIS JUST ABOUT PRESERVING THE SANCTITY OF YOUR BATHTUB

 **heavens2betsey:** sancTITTY

 **turtle:** Kakdjsjaja

 **heavens2betsey:** but yes

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

**whambamthankuham:** we're not telling eliza we've already fucked in her antique reclaimed ivory claw foot tub from the 1900s, right?

 **turtle:** hell no we're not

 **whambamthankuham:** nobody needs to know

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

**turtle:** we respect it

 **whambamthankuham:** totally respect it

 **heavens2betsey:** :)

 **whambamthankuham:** what are we doing tonight though

 **turtle:** if we're postponing not-in-the-bath sex then we could go out with peggy

 **heavens2betsey:** OH WE COULD DO THAT AND BRING GEORGE SO HE CAN GET A TASTE OF AMERICA

 **whambamthankuham:** in more ways than one if ya know what i mean ;;))

 **heavens2betsey:** UR NOT EVEN A NATIVE BORN AMERICAN

 **whambamthankuham:** IS THAT THE POINT? NO IT'S NOT

 **heavens2betsey:** aJejeaKEJASKSK

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **angel(ica)**

**angel(ica):** so George offered me a job

 **margaritaville:** you're already his sugar baby what job could he have offered

 **angel(ica):** NFJAK PEGGY NO I MEANT WASHINGTON

 **margaritaville:** OH GOS NEVEMDKSSNSMSVDBSN

 **margaritaville:** WAIT GEORGE OFFERED YKU AA JOB?!?!?!

 **angel(ica):** YES!!!

 **margaritaville:** OHMYGOD DID YOU TAKE IT?!

 **angel(ica):** YES!!!!

 **margaritaville:** OMG

 **margaritaville:** FUCK IT UP!!!!! YAAASS QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **margaritaville:** IM SO PROUD OF YOU!! FUCK!!

 **margaritaville:** YOU'RE SUCH A SUCCESSFUL AND CAPABLE PERSON I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU COULD'VE LANDED THIS GOOD OF A JOB ANYWHERE IT'S NOT JUST GEORGE BEING A DAD

 **angel(ica):** :’’))) ♡♡♡♡

 **margaritaville:** ♡♡♡♡✓✓✓✓

 **margaritaville:** WE NEED TO CELEBRATE

 **angel(ica):** OMG CAN WE

 **margaritaville:** fuCK YEAH WE CAN

 **angel(ica):** by celebrate do you mean get pizza and Chinese food and watch Grey's Anatomy

 **margaritaville:** obviously?? NOBODY wants to ACTUALLY go out in REAL PANTS

 **angel(ica):** OK BC I WAS ABOUT TO SAY I HAD A GYRO FOR LUNCH AND IM TOO BLOATED TO SQUEEZE INTO A PARTY DRESS/PANTS

 **margaritaville:** MEEEE WEKKSKSKSJZNXSN

 **angel(ica):** should we invite dolley and maria? have you talked yet?

 **margaritaville:** what kind of pizza do you want

 **angel(ica):** fucking fake you already know my pizza order

 **margaritaville:** pepperoni and canadian bacon with bell peppers, duh

 **margaritaville:** IM REPLYING TO CONFIRM THAT IM NOT A FAKE SIBLING NOT BECAUSE I APPRECIATE YOU CALLING ME ON THE LIE

 **angel(ica):** OK GOOD I WAS WORRIED

 **angel(ica):** really though you should talk to them peggy

 **margaritaville:** who?

 **angel(ica):** DOLLEY AND MARIA

 **margaritaville:** what are their last names? sorry, don't know them?

 **angel(ica):** im letting this go because it seems like you're genuinely stressed about this, not because i actually think you suddenly have amnesia

 **margaritaville:** thank u

 **angel(ica):** let's ask laf and herc if we can come over since eliza is taking a bath

 **margaritaville:** k i’ll ask and u ask george if he'll buy food

 **angel(ica):** k

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **angel(ica)**

**angel(ica):** can i order pizza on your card

 **theOGgeorge:** Yes of course

 **theOGgeorge:** Do you still have it?

 **angel(ica):** yes

 **angel(ica):** also we're going to the temple of the gays

 **theOGgeorge:** TELL LAF AND HERC I SAY HI

 **angel(ica):** nO I MEANT WANNA COME WITH

 **theOGgeorge:** YASSSSSSSSS

 **theOGgeorge:**!!!

 **angel(ica):** also i have something to tell you i’ll wait till i see you though

 **theOGgeorge:** OK!

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **margaritaville**

**margaritaville:** what r u doing

 **h0rsefucker:** im working out

 **margaritaville:** can we come over

 **h0rsefucker:** yes!! i’ll be back from the gym in like an hour but you've got the key i think

 **margaritaville:** yes i do

 **margaritaville:** we're bringing pizza

 **h0rsefucker:** JK IM CKMING BACK EARLY I WANT PIZZA

 **h0rsefucker:** if i come back now will u do the pushup thing with me

 **margaritaville:** fiiiinnneeee

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **plans4today.jpg**

**margaritaville:** i’ve got herc’s key all we need to do is get food and we can all go

 **angel(ica):** k

 **angel(ica):** what’s the “pushup” thing

 **margaritaville:** nothing

 **heavens2betsey:** WAIT I WANT TO COME

 **margaritaville:** ur taking a bath though so :-)

 **heavens2betsey:** this is so rude honestly?

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**angel(ica):** YOu  GUY S

 **theOGgeorge:** HERCULES IS JACKED AS FUCK IM SO TURNED ON

 **angel(ica):** IM LAUGHING DO AHRD

 **whambamthankuham:** what??

 **angel(ica):** HERCULES CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORKING OUT AND HE’S USING PEGGY AS A WEIGHT

 **theOGgeorge:** THEY'RE JUST SITTING CRISS CROSS APPLESAUCE ON HIS BACK WHILE HE DOES CLAPPING PUSHUPS

 **theOGgeorge:** I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S EVEN SWEATING

 **angel(ica):** JACKED!! AS!! FUCK!!

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **whambamthankuham:** HOLY SHIT

 **angel(ica):** IT'S A SIGHT TO SEE I FEEL FAINT

 **whambamthankuham:** WE ARE COMING OVER IMMEDIATELY JOHN FORGET ABOUT THE POKEMON WE NEED TO GO

 **turtle:** I S HIS SHIRT OFF OR ON

 **margaritaville:** OFF

 **turtle:** IM FUCKING. FLOORING IT

 **heavens2betsey:** WTF U WERE SUPPOSED TO COME OVER

 **turtle:** I /SAID/ IM FUCKIN FLOORING IT

 **lagayette:** I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE HAVING A HERCULES THIRST PARTY WITHOUT ME

 **angel(ica):** ALL ARE WELCOME

 **lagayette:** IM STILL AT WORK

 **grgwshngturnt:** WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE I LEFT AS SOON AS I GOT THE FIRST MESSAGE

 **lagayette:** LLAKFNJASOFKS GEORGE WHAH TT T E FFUCJK

 **mrthwshngturnt:** im here

 **heavens2betsey:** MARTHA WHAT SJKDKSMSM

 **mrthwshngturnt:** IM KIDDING IM IN VIRGINIA RN BUT TAKE PICS

 **angel(ica):** I WILL DOCUMENT JUDICIOUSLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i love my wife!!

 **grgwshngturnt:** MARTHA

 **mrthwshngturnt:** ;;;;))))

 **theOGgeorge:** OMGYOG D FUCK FUCK FUCK HE'S PLANKING

 **theOGgeorge:** HE'S PLANKING WITH PEGGY ON HIS BACK PUSHING ON HIS SHOULDERS

 **theOGgeorge:** IMG AY!! IM A HOMOSEXUAL!! I LVOE DICK

 **lagayette:** THAT'S MT HUSBAND STOP

 **theOGgeorge:** Sorry excuse me

 **theOGgeorge:** IM GYA ASD FUCK!!! GOT ME FUCKED UP!!

 **lagayette:** GEORGE YOU'RE STILL IN THE MAIN CHAT

 **theOGgeorge:** GODDAMMIT

 **theOGgeorge:** IM GAAAAYYYY I LOVE!! MY LIFE!! MEN!! ARE!! GREAT!!

 **lagayette:** george…

 **theOGgeorge:** Fuck.

-o-

_1 New Chat from:_ **mariacarey**

**mariacarey:** hi peggy

 **margaritaville:** who is this

 **margaritaville:** sorry i don’t recognize your number

 **mariacarey:** IM NOT TEXTING YOU

 **margaritaville:** ok i don’t wanna talk either bye

 **mariacarey:** THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

 **mariacarey:** WE’RE NOT ON A TEXTING APP YOU CAN’T SEE MY NUMBER WHY ARE YOU LYING

 **mariacarey:** PEGGY??

 **mariacarey:** PEGGY!!

 **mariacarey:** goddammit peggy.

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘SCHUYLER SQUAD’**

**heavens2betsey:** ANGELICA JUST TOLD ME IM SO HAPPY AND PROUD

 **heavens2betsey:** WE NEED TO GO OUT SOON LIKE GO OUT GO OUT AND GET LIT AS FUCK

 **angel(ica):** TOMORROW

 **heavens2betsey:** YES

 **margaritaville:** WE’RE NOT INVITING MARIA OR DOLLEY OR YOU’RE GETTING SUEDED

 **angel(ica):** sueded

 **heavens2betsey:** sueded

 **margaritaville:** fuck i meant SUED

**angel(ica)** _has changed the group name to:_ **‘sueded squad’**

**heavens2betsey:** WOW CAN’T WAIT TO SEE DC’S NEWEST MOVIE, SUEDED SQUAD!!!

 **margaritaville:** TSTOP?!

 **margaritaville:** YOU GUYS IM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS

 **angel(ica):** look peggy

 **angel(ica):** have you ever considered that maria and dolley might be trying to talk to you because they also like you, not because they’re trying to chastise you?

 **margaritaville:** what

 **angel(ica):** just answer their messages

 **margaritaville:** bye angelica

 **angel(ica):** bye, peggy sueded schuyler

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘sueded squad’**

**heavens2betsey:** i can’t wait to see harley quinn in sueded squad

 **angel(ica):** ELIZA S T O P ASJDFISJDFI

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘gay’**

**dmadisin, margaritaville,** _and_ **mariacarey** _are in the group:_ **‘gay’**

**margaritaville:** hello,,,

 **mariacarey:** hi

 **dmadisin:** HI

 **margaritaville:** so can we talk

 **mariacarey:** um not like i’ve been trying to get you to do that for like a month

 **mariacarey:** SURE we can talk

 **margaritaville:** JJDJFSFDJSK

 **margaritaville:** ok i deserved that and im so sorry i ignored you?? i have a lot of problems

 **margaritaville:** i was ignored a lot in my childhood and that led to a serious inferiority complex that causes me to act out in order to ensure i will never be psychologically walled off again

 **margaritaville:** SORRY THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO DEEP TO SHARE

 **margaritaville:** ANYHOODLE

 **margaritaville:** i really like. um. both of you? and i know we got off to a SUUUPER rocky start (that was almost entirely my fault) but i think you’re both great people and if you’d ever want to. you know. go out sometime? i’m here for that

 **margaritaville:** i know that’s not much of an apology but

 **margaritaville:** :’) i don’t know what to say im tongue tied frankly im sorry

 **dmadisin:** ok

 **mariacarey:** sure

 **margaritaville:** wait really

 **dmadisin:** yes? we both rlly like u and would like to get to know u better

 **margaritaville:** oh

 **margaritaville:** okay

 **margaritaville:** that’s great!!! okay im

 **margaritaville:** this is great

 **mariacarey:** maybe we could get together when dolley gets off work and talk it out?

 **dmadisin:** i can message you when im done and we can figure out a time from there

 **margaritaville:** definitely!!!!!!!

 **margaritaville:** i’ll see you then :)

 **margaritaville:** YAS BITCH WE GETTIN FUCKED UP TONIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

**margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **WEPOPPINBOTTLES.jpg**

**margaritaville** _has sent an image:_ **grindonit.jpg**

**margaritaville:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **mariacarey:** i think you’re still in the group peggy

 **margaritaville:** um

**margaritaville** _has left the group:_ **‘gay’**

**dmadisin:** IM FCUKING WHEEZING

 **mariacarey:** OH MY FUCKING. GOD

 **mariacarey:** TAG YOURSELF IM WEPOPPINBOTTLES.JPG

 **dmadisin:** IM GRINDONIT.JPG

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘sueded squad’**

**heavens2betsey** _has added_ **margaritaville** _to the group:_ **‘sueded squad’**

**margaritaville:** SO

 **margaritaville:** THANKS TO ANGELICA’S WORDS OF WISDOM

 **margaritaville:** I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT

 **angel(ica):** i accept cash payment

 **margaritaville:** cash gayment

 **angel(ica):** BET

 **heavens2betsey:** IM SO PROUD

 **margaritaville:** IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD BUT I GET SO NERVOUS WHENEVER IM TALKING TO THEM THEY’RE BOTH SO COOLA DN CUTE AND

 **margaritaville:** IDK AT FIRST I THOUGHT I ONLY LIKED DOLLEY BUT MARIA IS HILARIOUS AND HAS SUCH A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR AND SHE’S SO PRETTY AND IM

 **margaritaville:** anyway

 **margaritaville:** i must go

**angel(ica)** _has sent an image:_ **WEPOPPINBOTTLES.jpg**

**margaritaville:** SIJFISJFDJS WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE IN REACTION IMAGES

 **angel(ica):** WHAT

 **margaritaville:** I’LL EXPLAIN LATER

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**lagayette:** hercules

 **lagayette:** hypothetically, could we get a cat?

 **h0rsefucker:** are you asking me this in the main chat because you found a cat and want to bring it home and you don’t want me to say no and you think i won’t say no in a chat with all of our friends

 **lagayette:** i found,,,

 **lagayette:** three kittens?

 **lagayette:** PLS DON'T GET MAD THEY WERE ALL ALONE AND THEIR MOM WAS SO SKINNY AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

 **lagayette:** and i’m outside the apartment with them haha please let me in! :-)

 **h0rsefucker:** GODDAMMIT GILBERT.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PEGGY FIX YOUR LIFE PLS BABY DOLL. ok i seriously have so much planned for this fic it's kind of ridiculous lmaooo but i am going on vacation before school starts so it might be a bit before i update again! i love you and thank you for reading


	18. the club (and democatic republikittens)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we left off with lafayette finding kittens, peggy screaming into the void, and eliza just doing her best as always. now alex has beef, george (iii) just wants to get laid, and james canNOT hold his liquor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI boy golly it's been almost a whole MONTH. EDIT: i fucked up on formatting so the chap repeated. if you read that version im sorry. anyway: i've just got a couple of announcements and then the fun can begin! #1: i wrote another les mis fic, you should go check that out. #2: chris jackson and anthony might have read this? so that's a thing. we're still waiting on a tweet for the info to be conclusive but yeah that might be a thing. bit of a week tbh. #3: thaaaaank youuuu for your lovely comments. as usual, you are all the height of kindness and charm and i love you each individually and uniquely. i apologize for not replying to everyone--to give you a scope of what im dealing with, i have about 230 ish unread/unanswered comments? i've got so many i typically try to respond to time sensitive questions/suggestions first and look at compliments after so im rlly sorry for not answering you. I SWEAR I READ THEM THOUGH. comments feed your author and she loves them. #4: i don't want this to be too long so i'll finish everything at the end GO HAVE FUN and check back with me in the end notes. see ya there! also what kind of author's note would this be without me mentioning that I LOVE ENJ. ok bye

_1 New Chat from:_ **lagayette**

 **lagayette:** the kittens are back from the vet!!! :) will u pick up food on ur way home pls

 **h0rsefucker:**...yes

 **h0rsefucker:** but gilbert

 **lagayette:** STOP CALLING ME GILBERT

 **h0rsefucker:** IT’S UR Fuck-Up™ NAME I USE IT WHEN UR Fuckin’ Up™ U KNOW THIS

 **lagayette:** YES BUT I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER

 **h0rsefucker:** i will choose to ignore that

 **h0rsefucker:** we are not keeping all 3 kittens

 **lagayette:** haha of course not :)

 **h0rsefucker:** thank you

 **lagayette:** i need to make a quick stop ok i will be home before dark though i promise

 **h0rsefucker:** what?

 **lagayette:** ;)

 **h0rsefucker:** LAFAYETTE PLEASE

-o-

 **h0rsefucker:** laf it’s nearly 3 am where are you?!

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **grgwshngturnt:** Gilbert.

 **lagayette:** oui?

 **grgwshngturnt:** Why is there a kitten in my wife’s lap.

 **lagayette** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** OH GODDAMMIT GILBERT

 **mrthwshngturnt:** lafayette drove 4 hours just to bring me a cat isn’t that so nice of them i love my itty bitty child very much

 **h0rsefucker:** ALL THE WAY TO MT VERNON WHAT THE FUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** If you keep that cat we are getting a divorce

 **mrthwshngturnt:** excuse me?

 **mrthwshngturnt:** look into his eyes!! he is smol and innocent and an ORPHAN! he has no one in the world, george… please...can we keep him….

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’m not looking into his eyes

 **mrthwshngturnt:** LOOK INTO THEM

 **grgwshngturnt:** ***You can keep the cat if you promise to take sole responsibility for  cleaning up after it.

 **h0rsefucker:** HKSFKDSKF PLEASE LOVE YOURSEFL GEORGE

 **grgwshngturnt:** I WAS MAD BUT THEN I LOOKED INTO HIS EYES AND HE IS SO SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM CRYIGN

 **h0rsefucker:** LOVE YOURSELF!!

 **grgwshngturnt:** WE CAN KEEP HIM

 **mrthwshngturnt:** IM LAUGHIGN SO HARD

 **h0rsefucker:** god fucking damn it lafayette

-o-

 **heavens2betsey:** GOOD MORNING

 **heavens2betsey:** why were y’all up at three AM you need to stop

 **heavens2betsey:** OMG I LOVE KITTENS WTF CAN WE GET A CAT

 **whambamthankuham:** WE ARE NOT GETTING A CHAT

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **turtle**

 **turtle:** we’re gonna surprise her with a kitten for her birthday right

 **whambamthankuham:** yes obviously lmfao

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:**  a chat

 **whambamthankuham:** i meant cat

 **heavens2betsey:** wow i love chats so much

 **grgwshngturnt:** I love my new chat!

 **turtle:** chat

 **angel(ica):** chat

 **margaritaville:** chat

 **grgwshngturnt:** chat

 **theOGgeorge:** Chat

 **mrthwshngturnt:** cutest chat ever

 **jmadisin:** CHAT

 **whambamthankuham:** shut the fuck up you fucking furry ass lookin ass head ass

 **jmadisin:** WAHT THET UFCK

 **mariacarey:** JKSKJSKC IT’S STILL FUNNY

 **mrthwshngturnt:** anyway i am naming our cat alexander hamilton

 **mrthwshngturnt:** he is a demoCATic republiKITTEN

 **mrthwshngturnt:** geddit lmao

 **whambamthankuham:** HKDKSKS

 **grgwshngturnt:** BLIZZOCKED!

 **grgwshngturnt:** ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i think it's kind of mean that u won't let me name a cat after my only son ://

 **grgwshngturnt:** HE'S NOT OUR SON

 **whambamthankuham:** i’ve heard THAT one before

 **whambamthankuham:** MAINLY FROM MY REAL FATHER AY LMAO

 **mrthwshngturnt:** oh alex

 **mrthwshngturnt:** it's ok u are my son and i love u for who u truly are

 **turtle:** ALEX'S NICKNAME AT SCHOOL WAS THE TOMCAT (BEFORE HE MET ME AND ELIZA) BC HE IS A DISGUSTING AND TERRIBLE FLIRT

 **whambamthankuham:** *suave and charming dandy

 **heavens2betsey:** shut up alexander

 **heavens2betsey:** now we just call him tomcat bc he whines a lot

 **whambamthankuham:** blockt

 **margaritaville:** aKdkskks TRU

 **whambamthankuham:** BLOCKT!!!

 **h0rsefucker:** so lafayette can drive four hours to virginia to give martha a cat but they won’t pick up groceries because they’re “tired”. this is fake and i won’t stand for it

 **h0rsefucker:** AND WE STILL HAVE TWO CATS

 **h0rsefucker:** IM NOT PAYING A PET DEPOSIT!! I REFUSE!!

 **grgwshngturnt:** Them’s the breaks

 **h0rsefucker:** shut the fuck up you fucking weed farmer

 **mrthwshngturnt:** HEY NO EVIDENCE WAS EVER FOUND TO PROVE THAT HE ACTUALLY PURCHASED THOSE GRO LIGHTS

 **angel(ica):** wait are you saying that charles lee KNEW you were a weed farmer

 **angel(ica):** ARE YOU SAYING HE HAD PROOF???

 **grgwshngturnt:** NO

 **grgwshngturnt:** HE DIDN’T

 **grgwshngturnt:** DOESN’T

 **grgwshngturnt:** I’M NOT SO THERE’S NOTHING TO KNOW

 **mrthwshngturnt:** COME ON ANGEL WOULD WE LIE TO OUR MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ACCOMPLISHED DAUGHTER WHOM WE LOVE AND CHERISH ABOVE ALL

 **angel(ica):** i guess not

 **grgwshngturnt:** WE CAN’T ADOPT ANYONE ELSE

 **angel(ica):** im quitting if u don’t let me be martha’s daughter

 **grgwshngturnt:** FINE YOU CAN QUIT THEN GO AHEAD

 **whambamthankuham:** what does this mean

 **grgwshngturnt:** I forgot to tell you

 **grgwshngturnt:** Angelica is our new head of PR

 **whambamthankuham:** i wasn’t aware you were interviewing for that position?

 **grgwshngturnt:** Well, I mean, I was going to, but Angelica is already here, so?

 **whambamthankuham:** i see

 **angel(ica):** wait are you?? mad??

 **whambamthankuham:** no?

 **whambamthankuham:** i just think it’s kind of odd that you wouldn’t even try to see if there were qualified people who would want the job

 **grgwshngturnt:** Who’s more qualified than Angelica

 **angel(ica):** RT

 **whambamthankuham:** idk

 **whambamthankuham:** lmao you do you

 **whambamthankuham:** who am i to say anything

 **whambamthankuham:** it’s cool

 **angel(ica):** what are you saying

 **whambamthankuham:** i have to go pick up some files right now immediately so i’ll talk to y’all later

 **whambamthankuham** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **h0rsefucker:** um. that was weird

 **turtle:** yes. it was

 **angel(ica):** wtf

 **angel(ica):** someone should talk to him perhaps??

 **margaritaville:** tfw when u smell blood in the water

 **margaritaville:** I VOLUNTEER

 **angel(ica):** he’s not gonna talk to u ur my sibling he’s gonna think ur gonna take my side automatically??

 **heavens2betsey:** TFW WHHEN

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT FEEL WHEN WHEN

 **margaritaville:** CA N YOU STOP PLEASE??????????????

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT FEEL WHEN WHEN

 **turtle:** tag urself im the second when

 **h0rsefucker:** im that

 **angel(ica):** im that feel

 **grgwshngturnt:** I HATE BEING IN HERE.

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **turtle**

 **turtle:** hi we want a cat

 **lagayette:** WHAT?? YOU DO??? I THOUGHT ALEX DIDN’T LIKE THEM

 **turtle:** me and alex are gonna surprise eliza for her birthday she’s always wanted a cat

 **lagayette:** OMG OK do u want the orange one or the black and white one

 **turtle:** the orange one

 **turtle:** what is its gender

 **lagayette:** it is a boy

 **lagayette:** u can name him whatever u want but as of right now we are calling him kraft

 **turtle:** why

 **lagayette:** bc he is orange like the mac n cheese powder

 **turtle:** HIDSFISJF THAT’S SO CUTE

 **turtle:** ok we will take kraft we love him

 **lagayette:** U HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN A PIC OF HIM

 **turtle:** it’s ok we love him

 **lagayette:** OK AWESOME HE’S URS

 **turtle:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **whambamthankuham**

 **whambamthankuham:** so???

 **turtle:** our cat’s name is kraft and we love him

 **whambamthankuham:** do u have any pics of kraft?

 **turtle:** no

 **turtle:** i love him

 **whambamthankuham:** ur so pure

 **whambamthankuham:** i love him too

 **turtle:** YAY

 **turtle:** can u come here let’s make a plan to surprise eliza

 **whambamthankuham:** can we text bc im busy

 **turtle:** i can hear you watching america’s next top model in the living room

 **turtle:** just come in here

 **whambamthankuham:** UUGUUUGUGUGHGHGHGHGHGHG fine

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘sueded squad’**

 **margaritaville:** so :,)

 **angel(ica):** how was your date??

 **margaritaville:** CHANGE THE DAMN GROUP NAME

 **heavens2betsey:** that feel when when your sister won’t change the group name

 **margaritaville:** fucCKING. STOP IT

 **heavens2betsey:** TFWW :,)

 **margaritaville:** YOU HAVE BEEN FLAGGED FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

 **margaritaville:** anyhoodle. it wasn't like. technically a date. but it was rlly nice!!! we got food and went to central park and just kind of talked about what we want and who we are and stuff

 **margaritaville:** so like i wouldn't say that we are dating dating but we will be going ON dates!

 **angel(ica):** THAT'S AWESOME I'M REALLY GLAD YOU FIGURED IT OUT

 **margaritaville:** THANK YOU

 **margaritaville:** and thank you for giving me advice

 **angel(ica):** it’s no problem

 **heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe angelica is aromantic and yet is literally a better love doctor than me

 **heavens2betsey:** i have /TWO/ boyfriends. i should be better at this

 **angel(ica):** REMEMBER WHEN I WENT ON A DATE WITH A GUY FROM TINDER AND I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST GONNA HOOK UP BUT HE THOUGHT IT WAS A /DATE/

 **angel(ica):** AND HE GOT ALL MAD WHEN I JUST WANTED TO HAVE SEX AND LEAVE

 **angel(ica):** AND WHEN I ASKED WHY HE SAID “but you told me you were a romantic!!!” AND I WAS LIKE  “no im AROMANTIC” AND HE WAS LIKE “yeah!? a romantic! you like romance! i was trying to be romantic!!”

 **margaritaville:** JJSDFKKCSKCSKDJSCLCJKLCS

 **margaritaville:** IM GOING. TO CRY

 **margaritaville:** YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A ROMANTIC

 **margaritaville:** BYE

 **heavens2betsey:** HONESTLY TRULY VERY TRAGIC

 **heavens2betsey:** we should really go out tonight

 **angel(ica):** YEAH

 **angel(ica):** peggy wyd today

 **margaritaville:** uhhh nothing

 **margaritaville:** im with burr and theodosia today actually theo said i could stay over so there’d be space for george at eliza’s

 **margaritaville:** i’ll call u in a sec and we can make plans

 **heavens2betsey:** ok!

 **heavens2betsey:** ok wait a sec my LANDLINE is ringing

 **heavens2betsey:** no one EVER calls my landline

 **margaritaville:** ok

 **angel(ica):** ok

 **margaritaville:** why do you still even have a landline??

 **heavens2betsey:** um peggy

 **margaritaville:** o shit

 **margaritaville:** what’s wrong?!

 **heavens2betsey:** did u give my landline number to the Obama people?

 **margaritaville:** oh,,, yes? sorry are you getting spam callers now or something??

 **heavens2betsey:** peggy

 **margaritaville:** what? dude you're freaking me out

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU GOT THE PART

-o-

 _Outgoing call to:_ **eeeeliiiiizuuuhhh**

_…_

_…_

_…_

-o-

 _Incoming call from:_ **lil one** **♡**

_“Yes?”_

_“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! BOY! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK! WHAT THE! WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT!!!!”_

_“PEGGY, TONE IT DOWN, YOU'RE IN MY EAR.”_

_“Sorry. WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE--”_

_“PEGGY.”_

_“Okay, sorry. What the fuck.”_

_“Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!”_

_“WHAT TH--”_

_“Please,”_

_“I’m sorry. I'm in shock. What the FUCK! I didn't even--I auditioned, like, as a meme. Like, it was a joke. I was joking. Like. What the fuck?”_

_“You’re amazing. Seriously. The world is your oyster, kiddo! I’m so happy for you.”_

_“I’m freaking OUT.”_

_“I know. Me and Angelica and George are gonna come pick you up from the Burrs’, okay?”_

_“Fuck yes. Okay. Okay. See you soon! Holy SHIT.”’_

_“Okay. I love you! You’re amazing.”_

-o-

 _1 New Chat from:_ **heavens2betsey**

 **heavens2betsey:** can you get peggy a paper bag to breathe into please

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** yes they have one

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** i am getting them some water bc they are freaking out

 **heavens2betsey:** ok we are coming to collect them in a minute

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** OK no rush

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** you must be so proud

 **heavens2betsey:** WE ARE

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** WE ARE TOO

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THEO IS FREAKING OUT LIKE PEGGY IS OUR BABY AND JUST WON A TONY

 **heavens2betsey:** JDFIJSDFKJSF THEO IS ME

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:** SO I GOT THE PART

 **lagayette:** what

 **margaritaville:** IN OBAMA THE MUSICAL

 **h0rsefucker:** remember when lafayette didn’t know who obama, our current president, was

 **lagayette:** I AM NOT FROM HERE

 **margaritaville:** I WAS /GONNA/ PLAY MALIA BUT AFTER MY AUDITION THEY DECIDED TO WRITE UP A PART FOR SASHA INSTEAD SO NOW I AM SASHA AND MONICA LEWINSKY IM :,,,,)

 **angel(ica):** THIS IS SO AMAZING IM

 **angel(ica):** OK WE ARE GONNA DO WHAT WE HAVE BEEN SAYING WE ARE GONNA DO FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AND ACTUALLY GO OUT TO CELEBRATE ALL THE GREAT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO US!! LET’S DO IT!!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** YEAS

 **heavens2betsey** _has added_ **whambamthankuham** _and_ **lagayette** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** gayvengers gayssemble we’re going out tonight

 **deartheo:** AW WHAT THE FUCK I WANNA COME

 **heavens2betsey:** sorry bae ily but wait a month or so!! bed rest!!

 **deartheo:** BET <3

 **lagayette:** MMMMMMMMM YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

 **lagayette:** FUCK! IT! UP!

 **h0rsefucker:**...fine i guess i HAVE to come

 **turtle:** you don’t have to

 **h0rsefucker:** can’t believe u guys are MAKING me do this

 **whambamthankuham:** no one is… alright

 **mariacarey:** MMMMBOI YASSSS FUCK IT THE FUCK UP IT’S BOUTTA BE LIT

 **dmadisin:** i am dead on my feet i’ve been at work ALL day

 **mariacarey:** GET READY TO BE DEADER

 **dmadisin:** absolutely fucking not sharon im going to die

 **mariacarey:** it’s okay baby i’ll carry u

 **jmadisin:** can i bring thomas

 **whambamthankuham:** NO

 **angel(ica):** NO

 **heavens2betsey:** NO

 **dmadisin:** NO

 **mariacarey:** NO

 **deartheo:** NO

 **lagayette:** NO

 **h0rsefucker:** NO

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** NO

 **margaritaville:** NO

 **theOGgeorge:** NO

 **grgwshngturnt:** NO

 **jmadisin:** PLEASEEEEE

 **whambamthankuham:** HE’S FUCKING SATAN BUT ALRIGHT

 **heavens2betsey:** wait i’ll allow it if he bankrolls us

 **jmadisin:** DONE.

 **jmadisin** _has added_ **callmemacaroni** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **jmadisin:** u can come out tonight if u bring ur credit card

 **callmemacaroni:** fine

 **theOGgeorge:** Isn’t it fun to give back to the common people, Thomas? :D

 **callmemacaroni:** yes i love watching the proletariat swallow greedily from the hand that feeds them lmao

 **heavens2betsey:**...going to ignore that you bougie bastards but watch urselves please

 **grgwshngturnt:** Martha and I drove back to the city today. We will come if you need designated drivers.

 **heavens2betsey:** YAS LORDT

 **dmadisin:** deSINnated drivers

 **mariacarey:** AY LMFAO

 **whambamthankuham:** GOD IS GOOD TO ME A SINNER

 **grgwshngturnt** _has added_ **mrthwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **mrthwshngturnt:** AYYYY WHAT’S GOOD

 **grgwshngturnt:** Martha no

 **mrthwshngturnt:** MARTHA YES

 **heavens2betsey:** will u be our designated driver tonight

 **mrthwshngturnt:** YES

 **margaritaville:** WOW ILOVE MY MOM

 **heavens2betsey:** same

 **dmadisin:** martha is invited to be my girlfriend not my mom she is so damn fine what the FUCK

 **grgwshngturnt:** ME EVERY DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

 **mariacarey:** excuse me

 **margaritaville:** BYE

 **dmadisin:** HKSKSKFKS NVM

 **grgwshngturnt:** This is going to be so funny I can’t wait to see Hamilton get drunk

 **mrthwshngturnt:** DRUNK HAMILTON IS LITERALLY MY WHOLE LIFE

 **turtle:** MMMYES

 **turtle:** DRUNK PEGGY AND DRUNK HAMILTON ARE GIONG TO FUCK ME UP TONGIHT

 **turtle:** ALEX GETS SO FUCKING ARTICULATE HE WILL DISSECT SOCRATES RIGHT UP UNTIL HE PASSES OUT

 **turtle:** drunk peggy is too wild

 **turtle:** everyone place your bets on which celebrity they will make out with tonight

 **margaritaville:** STOP I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WILD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

 **turtle:** shut up peggy

 **margaritaville:** yeah u right

 **callmemacaroni:** i can’t wait to see james fucking faint after he smells tequila

 **jmadisin:** FUVKC YOU

 **dmadisin:** i know my poor beautiful husband can’t even be around gasoline it’s too strong for him that’s why he doesn’t drive the fumes knock him out

 **jmadisin:** I AM NOT A LIGHTWEIGHT!!!!

 **mariacarey:** i’ve seen you pass out after sipping sparkling apple juice but ok…

 **jmadisin:** I! CAN! HOLD! MY! LIQUOR!

 **turtle:** can we assign james to watch eliza please bc u know he isn’t getting Rekt tonight boy gon chicken out as soon as they slide something down the bar that ain’t water

 **jmadisin:** i want to die

 **heavens2betsey:** IDJFAISODJSD

 **heavens2betsey:** IT’S OK JEMMY WE CAN BE DRUNK BUDDIES YOU KEEP ME SOBER ISH AND I’LL DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

 **jmadisin:** :,,,,))))))))

 **theOGgeorge:** Wild

 **margaritaville:** do you have alcohol at nando’s george

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU’RE GTETTING BLOCIKED

 **margaritaville:** i just want to say right now that we can’t hashtag any instagram pics from tonight with cheeky nando’s with the lads just cause george is british doesn’t mean we can use it it’s cultural appropriation

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU NEED TO DIE RIGH TNOW

 **angel(ica):** peGGY STOP FJSIOJDIASODHFI

 **margaritaville:** JDOIFJAIODJSIF

 **margaritaville:** IM SORRY I LVOE YOU

 **theOGgeorge:** DIE

 **margaritaville:** FUCKISNINGISGODGSIJF PLEASE GEORGE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **grgwshngturnt:** You’re out of control

 **margaritaville:**...ur just now noticing?

 **grgwshngturnt:** You got me there.

 **jmadisin:** eliza come over and get dressed with me

 **angel(ica):** no she is pregaming with me and peggy

 **angel(ica)** _has sent an image:_ **demilovato-getajob-stayawayfromher.jpg**

 **jmadisin:** NO

 **dmadisin:** WTF ME AND MARIA AREN’T INVITED?

 **margaritaville:** omg bae no!! come over!

 **jmadisin:** come over thomas has a minifridge full of only pineapple flavored coconut water

 **margaritaville:** LET’S PREGAME AT JEMMY’S I CHANGED MY MIND

 **callmemacaroni:** stop pimping out the loco coco

 **jmadisin:** WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS U CANNOT CALL IT LOCO COCO

 **callmemacaroni:** I PAID FOR THE WATERS U CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 **angel(ica):** think about how much ur street cred will go up if u post selfies with the schuyler squad on ur instagram… people will think ur not an ass and they’ll want to hang out with u. u could finally have friends again thomas just imagine

 **callmemacaroni:** i hate you

 **callmemacaroni:**...do u still remember our address?

 **angel(ica):** JEDIFJSIF

 **heavens2betsey:** peggy and angel just chest bumped i want to die

 **whambamthankuham:** me nd john can’t come sorry

 **heavens2betsey:** how much y’all wanna bet that john hasn’t said anything in here bc he’s sucking alex’s dick rn

 **whambamthankuham:** DAMN GIRL WHY U GOTTA OUT ME LIKE THAT THO

 **heavens2betsey:** LMFAO GOT EM

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i love this chat i want to be in here forever

 **grgwshngturnt:** THAT MAKES APPROXIMATELY ONE OF US

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i complete u

 **theOGgeorge:** TRULY MADLY DEEPLY LEZ GET FREAKY

 **lagayette:** I SEE UR THE STRONG N SILENT TYPE

 **h0rsefucker:** WELL IM THE CARRIBEAN ISLAND TYPE AND I CAN DRIVE U WILD ALLL NIGHTTTTT

 **angel(ica):** i hate y’all

 **whambamthankuham:** LITERALLY WHAT IS THAT WHY DO YOU KEEP REPEATING IT IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR

 **angel(ica):** ANYWAY JAMES WE’RE ON OUR WAY OVER

 **mariacarey:** literally pick me and dolley up

 **margaritaville:** OK WE ARE GONNA

 **mariacarey:** BOI! YES

 **dmadisin:** we should ALL match our outfits

 **dmadisin:** like all of us

 **dmadisin:** everyone wear black that’s easiest

 **lagayette:** no herc made me pants that are gray ish and black striped i can’t go solid black im sorry

 **dmadisin:** u always fail me

 **dmadisin:** ur words mean nothing bc ur actions speak the truth

 **lagayette:** ::::::,,,)))

 **lagayette:** u don’t even know me dolley back the fuck up u trick ass hoe

 **dmadisin:** DFIJASIDFSJSFSIODJF

 **mariacarey:** ME

 **mariacarey:** MY WEDDING VOWS FINNA BE LIT

 **mariacarey:** “you may now kiss the bride” [dolley leans in] me: U DON’T EVEN KNOW ME DOLLEY BACK THE FUCK UP U TRICK ASS HOE

 **dmadisin:** i want to die

 **lagayette:** JFISDJFSIOFJDSAFOSI

 **h0rsefucker:** u guys

 **whambamthankuham:** what

 **h0rsefucker:** everyone needs to see laf’s ass in these pants i am an artist

 **h0rsefucker:** the lines...the folds..the contours of the fabric...anna wintour call me now

 **angel(ica):** wtf the fuck? make ME pants

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s ok angelica u don’t need new pants to make ur ass look nice it’s already perfect

 **angel(ica):** WTF THE FUCK I LOVE YOU

 **lagayette:** stay in your lane

 **lagayette:** don’t even think about it

 **lagayette:** y’all are all TRICK. ASS. HOES.

 **angel(ica):** AND PROUD OF IT

 **heavens2betsey:** i want to die

 **mrthwshngturnt:** WHY DO YOU ALL WANT TO DIE YOU’RE SO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL

 **mrthwshngturnt:** DO I GET TO BE A TRICK ASS HOE

 **lagayette:** oh martha no

 **grgwshngturnt:** MARTHA NO ^

 **mrthwshngturnt:** MARTHA YES ;;;)

 **heavens2betsey:** VYGIBHUJNOK

 **heavens2betsey:** Y’ALL GET IT TOGETHER PLEASE IM BEGGING

 **mrthwshngturnt:** do u have any requests for drunk food?

 **lagayette:** crepes

 **theOGgeorge:** Dick

 **whambamthankuham:** DASDUFFIJS

 **turtle:** same as george 2.0

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s King George but alright

 **turtle:** i could be into that

 **heavens2betsey:** if you both sleep with george im going to die

 **turtle:** im gonna sleep with george so he can verify to alex that i am better at head

 **whambamthankuham:** this is fake and a lie!!

 **heavens2betsey:** HOW CAN YOU HAVE A CONTEST OVER WHO IS BETTER AT HEAD WHEN YOU’VE SUCKED EACH OTHER’S DICKS

 **whambamthankuham:** IDK IT’S JUST A THING OK!!! AND IM WINNING!

 **turtle:** ur not winning i still have ur soul clinging to the roof of my mouth bc i sucked it out five minutes ago

 **heavens2betsey** _has removed_ **whambamthankuham** _and_ **turtle** _from the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **heavens2betsey:** this is such a problem

 **theOGgeorge:** Beautiful men who want no strings attached sex with me is the furthest thing from a problem that I have ever experienced in my life

 **theOGgeorge:** If anything, this is a solution

 **margaritaville:** tag urself im george

 **heavens2betsey:** ANYWAY i want pizza

 **heavens2betsey:** a huge greasy one that’s like disgustingly loaded with meat

 **heavens2betsey:** and some saltine crackers and a bottle of gatorade and a bottle of water pls and thank u!

 **angel(ica):** ben & jerry’s

 **dmadisin:** chinese food always

 **mariacarey:** a 13x9 tray of brownies and a fork

 **margaritaville:** a cookie platter and a gallon of milk

 **jmadisin:** chinese food

 **jmadisin:** dolley wants orange chicken and fried rice and i’ll have literally any chicken and lo mein pls and thanks

 **dmadisin:** HUSBAND! YAS! U KNOW ME SO WELL

 **h0rsefucker:** ass

 **lagayette:** I HATE YOU

 **callmemacaroni:** a burger and fries

 **mrthwshngturnt:** get it urself thomas u trick ass bum ass lookin ass hoe

 **grgwshngturnt:** You guys...every day I thank God for bringing me to Martha… Every day I am blessed with the love of my life...Every day Martha shines her radiant light on me and makes me a better person...I am saved…

 **theOGgeorge:** Adopt me

 **mrthwshngturnt:** EVERYONE IS ADOPTED! EXCEPT THOMAS BECAUSE HE’S AN UGLY TRICK ASS BUM ASS SNAKE

 **callmemacaroni:** WHHAT THE FCK

 **mrthwshngturnt:** ;;;))))

 **lagayette:** OMG EVERYONE LOOK AT MY ASS WHEN U SEE ME I AM BEAUTIFUL

 **angel(ica):** i ALWAYS look at ur ass when i see u but ok

 **margaritaville:** ^

 **heavens2betsey:** ^

            **dmadisin:** ^

 **callmemacaroni:** ^

 **mariacarey:** ^

 **mrthwshngturnt:** ^

 **theOGgeorge:** ^

 **deartheo:** ^

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** ^

 **grgwshngturnt:** …^

 **angel(ica):** herc how do u feel now that everyone including your fiance’s boss admitted to looking at their ass

 **h0rsefucker:** im not surprised

 **h0rsefucker:** it’s fair

 **lagayette:** HSKFKSCKSKALCL

 **lagayette:** GOODBYE

 **heavens2betsey:** OK where do we wanna go

 **margaritaville:** ok i was looking on thomas paine’s instagram and he is posting a lot about this place called CRISIS? it’s like a pop up thingy and they serve alcohol and stuff and talk about the evils of capitalism and cisnormativity? we could visit that and then go somewhere else after?

 **angel(ica):** RT

 **heavens2betsey:** that sounds fun

 **heavens2betsey:** does anyone have any objections?

 **lagayette:** no

            **dmadisin:** ^

 **callmemacaroni:** ^

 **grgwshngturnt:** ^

 **mrthwshngturnt:** ^

 **theOGgeorge:** ^

 **mariacarey:** ^

 **deartheo:** ^

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** ^

 **margaritaville:** ^

 **heavens2betsey:** OK let’s meet there then

-o-

_10:49 PM_

**margaritaville:** that was the strangest hour and a half of my life…

 **angel(ica):** YEAH

 **callmemacaroni:** i...didn’t know you could use eggs like that

 **mariacarey:** the marshmallow creme was…enlightening to say the least

 **theOGgeorge:** I LOVE AMERICA WHERE ARE WE GOING NEXT

 **heavens2betsey:** that’s the spirit george

 **turtle:** peggy wanna go back to where we went before?

 **margaritaville:** we went to like SEVEN places,, be specific

 **turtle:** uuuum

 **turtle:** i don’t remember the name

 **turtle:** let’s start walking and i will eventually recognize something

 **margaritaville:** OK EVERYONE MEET AT THE FRONT DOOR THEN

 **heavens2betsey:** GO TEAM!!!!

-o-

_12:34 AM_

**theOGgeorge:** HO M Y GOD YOU GAYS

 **turtle:** did you mean guys

 **theOGgeorge:** NO

 **theOGgeorge:** IM LOOKING AT GRINDR AND IT SAYS ONE OF MY MATCHES IS 212 FEET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **theOGgeorge:** HE IS GETTING LCOSER IM WEHEZING

 **angel(ica):** whICH ONE IS THIS

 **theOGgeorge:** BEAR69

 **angel(ica):** YAASSS THE ONE WITH AN ABS PICTURE AS AN ICON WHAT A POWER MOVE HE’S BOLD HE’S OUT THERE

 **theOGgeorge:** IM GONNA START WALKING AND SEE IF HE GETS ANY CLOSER

 **heavens2betsey:** GEORGE WHERE ARE YOU

 **theOGgeorge:** EARTH

 **heavens2betsey:** NO I MEAN GEOGRAPHICALLY INSIDE THIS CLUB

 **theOGgeorge:** OH IM NEXT TO THE HARPSICHORD COVERED IN STARBURST WRAPPERS

 **theOGgeorge:** America is weird as shit btw

 **theOGgeorge:** it says im 0 feet away from him but the only person over here is some dude on his phone

 **theOGgeorge:** ndnad he does NOT have th e biceps that bear69 has

 **theOGgeorge:** OH NO

 **theOGgeorge:** NO NO NO

 **heavens2betsey:** GEORGE WHAT

 **angel(ica):** IM COMING OVER

 **turtle:** IM COMING TOO

-o-

_12:53 AM_

**theOGgeorge:** oh my great jolly goodness

 **heavens2betsey:** i don’t,, know what that means

 **whambamthankuham:** i am 7 balls deep into tequila ouy need to spekea american.

 **theOGgeorge:** SORRY I REVERT TO BRITISH STEROTEYPES WHEN IM EVEBN SLIGHTLUY DURNK

 **theOGgeorge:** i,, i got catfished by john adams.

 **dmadisin:** HAMILTON JUST SPEWED TEQIULRLA ONTO ME  IMS CRHJEIMAI

 **whambamthankuham:** YOURE KIDDGNGNI

 **whambamthankuham:** CNAN SOMEORN E EXPLIANRI GOT MR E  PELAES

 **angel(ica):** IF UR ASKIGN SOMEONT E TO EXPLINENEI TO YOU I WILL

 **whambamthankuham:** NOT U, TRUST FUND BABY

 **angel(ica):** uh YEAH im a trust fund baby you can trust me

 **whambamthankuham:** LCOKCKTEBD

 **turtle:** oOK S OJ. ME AND ANGELICA GET OVER THERE AND FIND GEORGE AND J. ADAMS LOCKED IN A STARIGN MATCH AND THEN  GEROGE YELLS “BEAR69?!”

 **turtle:** AND ADAMS LIKE WINKED AND WAS LIKE THAT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **turtle:** AND GEORGE WAS MR KRBAS

 **turtle:** AND I WAS LIKE WAIT AREN’T YOU MARRIED??

 **turtle:** AND THEN HE WENT SUPER PALE AND WAS LLIKE LOL WHAT

 **turtle:** AND I WAS LIKE YEAH I’VE MET YORU WIFE?? ABIGAIL??

 **turtle:** AND HE WAS LIKE

 **turtle** _has sent an image:_ **mariahcarey-idontknowher.jpg**

 **turtle:** ANDTHEN HE TRIED TO FLIRT WITH ANGELICA (WHO BY THIS TIME HAD ALREADY CHUGGED HER WHISKEY AND WAS NOW DOWNING MOST OF GEORGE’S PINA COLADA)

 **turtle:** I BELIEVE IT WAS AFTER THE LINE “I WON’T FORGET THE LADIES THIS TIME THEY COME FIRST” (WHICH WAS SERVED WITH A WINK) THAT ANGELICA  TRIED TO START A FISTFIGHT WITH ADAMS

 **turtle:** WHO THEN TRIED TO MAKE OUT WITH GEORGE WHILE I WAS ATTEMPTING TO RESTRAIN HER

 **whambamthankuham:** ANGELICA TREID TO MAKE OUT WITH GOERGE?!

 **lagayette:** ADAMS REFERENCED HIS OWN MISOGYNISTIC POLITICAL FAUX PAS IN A PICK UP LINE?!

 **turtle:** NO ADAMS wAS THE ONE TYRING TO KISS GEORGE AND YES HE DID USE THAT AS A LINE FOR SOME REASON

 **turtle:** aDN THEN ANGELICA WAS ABOUT TO HAUL OFF A WHOPPER OF A PUNCH SO ME AND GEORGE DRAGGED HER AWAY BC HE’S SOOO NOT WORTH IT

 **turtle:** AND NOW WE ARE GETTING SOME WATER FOR ANGELICA AND ANOTHER DRINK FOR GEORGE BC ANGELICA FINISHED HIS

 **heavens2betsey:** JESUS CHRIST

 **margaritaville:** W E POPPIN BOTTLES TONGITHG FAM ME AND MARIA JUST AMDE OUT AND IT WAS SUPER HOT

 **lagayette:** HHDISJCANCDA GET IT PEGGY

 **mariacarey:** peggy you’re in the group

 **margaritaville:** FUCKING

 **margaritaville:** I HATE THIS

 **margaritaville:** THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIIME

 **mariacarey:** do u want me to fix it for u

 **margaritaville:** yes pls

 **mariacarey:** ok hold on

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘EVERYONE BUT MARIA + PEGGY’**

 **dmadisin:** I AM HERE TO LODGE A FORMAL COMPLAINT

 **heavens2betsey:** i am looking at you while you type this can you perhaps just say it out loud

 **dmadisin:** NO

 **dmadisin:** SHUT YOUR TONGUE DOORS

 **heavens2betsey:** mouth

 **dmadisin:** YES

 **dmadisin:** MARIA AND PEGGY QUOTED MEMES AT EACH OTHER BEFORE THEY KISSED AND IM SO

 **dmadisin:** RTHEYRE’’ SO LAME

 **dmadisin:** MARIA WAS SOOOOO ROMANTIC THE FIRST TIME WE KISSED!! AND SHE LIKE TOLD ME I WAS REALL YPRETTY AND ALL THIS REALLY NICE STUF I DONT REMMBER NOW THAT IM KIND OF TRASHED

 **dmadisin:** BUT LIKE

 **dmadisin:** THEY WERE DANCING AND PEGGY LEANED IN REALLY CLSOE ADN THE SEXUAL TENSION WASS SO STRONG AND I WAS GONNA. SCREAM!!!!!!!! AND THEN PEGGY LAUGHED AND QUOTED THE FUFKCING. ONION ARTICLE THAT SAYS “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SOMEBODY TO GIVE YOU A KISS, YOU FUCKING BABY?” AND THEN MARIA LAUGHED REALLY HARD AND THEN THEY STARTED MAKING OUT LIKE VERY INGTRSENLY

 **dmadisin:** LIKE QUOTING AN ONION ARTICLE IS FOREPLAY

 **dmadisin:** WHA T IS HTIS

 **angel(ica):** HKSKCKSKCKSCKS THAT DOES SOUND LIKE PEGGY

 **turtle:** that is a classic peggy

 **turtle:** peggy and i kissed once when we were both very drunk like 2 years ago at lafayette’s bday party and first they complimented my eyelashes and then said “TFW NO GF” VERY loudly and then kissed me

 **dmadisin:** UM THAT I SME

 **dmadisin:** not me

 **dmadisin:** BUT ME

 **callmemacaroni:** maria is a meme god,,, blocked tbh,,, i’ve stopped inviting her over for dinner with me and dolley and james because all she does is pull up memes on her phone

 **dmadisin:** IT’S CUTE RIGHGGT???

 **jmadisin:** it wsasf unie right ujnp jujnfilt she prutjhf th ehnf iecolas carge ophortos in m ybe dromom fdrawyer

 **callmemacaroni:** oh mhy GOD james are you already drunk

 **jmadisin:** arr e hyou NOT?

 **callmemacaroni:** i paid 34 dollars for this scotch so i am sipping it very slowly thanks very much

 **callmemacaroni:** eliza what did you DO

 **heavens2betsey:** uhhhh i gave him ONE tequila sunrise?? and like two shots BUT THAT’S IT! I SWEAR!

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s ok im sitting with him he’s fine

 **heavens2betsey:** his motor skills were the first to go but he is FINE

 **heavens2betsey:** he has water and a straw

 **callmemacaroni:** GOD JAMES YOU ARE SO WEAK I CAN’T BELIEVE

 **jmadisin:** I WIEHAVE NEBV EINF IN M YLGIEF FAK CEDSUCJHSS INJUSJIRECE ADNR EFU EJDENS EVRYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **dmadisin:** he said  “i have never in my life faced such injustice and rudeness ever” and before that “it was funny right up until she hid the nicolas cage meme in my bedroom drawer”

 **jmadisin:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

 **callmemacaroni:** HOW can you read that

 **dmadisin:** dont feel bad i have been reading drunk james texts for 4 years i have a leg up on you

 **callmemacaroni:** IM WHEEZING

 **jmadisin:** YOIJCS DON T KNOWC WMEC E KNKNONON O FYOUF JIKNWOKNO ME OFR ABNYTHINGOA BAGTUOT ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **dmadisin:** you don’t know me none of you know anything about me

 **callmemacaroni:** YES WE KNOW YOU

 **callmemacaroni:** SHUT UP

 **jmadisin:** WHWFYHA IS HTIHS I FSMAN ATTMEPGIHBIN AOI DJCA IOT IN IFINRINGIN ION MY NH OCOSNSITUTIOAIHTNOAIFLA RIRHGIGHITHCKS COT SMACMKGKA LT ALK

 **dmadisin:** why is this man attempting to infringe on my constitutional right to smack talk

 **callmemacaroni:** IM NOT INFRINGING ON ANYTHING YOU NEED TO CHILL

 **jmadisin:** iNFINIGIKENJ GNS ONS NFNWF N HTITIS ASDJISDASS

 **dmadisin:** infringe on this ASS

 **callmemacaroni:** JAMES NO

 **jmadisin:** JMAMEAYAMSESE EYS!!!!!!!!!!  
**dmadisin:** james yes!!!!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** someone save james from himself

 **jmadisin:** HWOW ARISI SHE BIIINGE SO NTJUOSOCS DRUSJIFKSNCK??

 **dmadisin:** how is she being so not drunk??

 **heavens2betsey:** i have a much higher tolerance than you my son

 **jmadisin:** OKSJDOKAYD MCSOCOTHOME

 **dmadisin:** OK mom

 **heavens2betsey:** drink your water

 **heavens2betsey:** FOR THOSE OF YOU WATCHING AT HOME, JAMES IS NOW DRINKING WATER AND MAKING HANDJOB MOTIONS ON THE STRAW.

 **deartheo:** i want to be there so badly

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** thanks for the update

 **whambamthankuham:** ANYONE SEEN GEORGE???????

 **theOGgeorge:** RIGHT EHRE, BELOVED

 **whambamthankuham:** U KNOW I REALLY THOUGHT U WOULD LOSE FULL USE OF YOUR PUNCTUATION WHEN INEBRIATED

 **angel(ica):** THAT STAGEGG IS OT FAR OFF

 **whambamthankuham:** ANYWAY I MEANT DADDY GEORGE

 **whambamthankuham:** wait no that doesn’t clarify anything either

 **whambamthankuham:** I MEANT DADDY GEORGE WHO WORKS IN THE GOVERNMENT

 **whambamthankuham:** that still means nothiing

 **whambamthankuham:** I MEANT DADDY GEORGE WHO IS AMERICAN

 **grgwshngturnt:** Hello

 **grgwshngturnt:** Martha is talking to a girl who is probably high

 **grgwshngturnt:** She’s just explaining how the girl can use FAFSA for full benefits, she’ll probably done in a minute or two

 **h0rsefucker:** i thought she was gonna stay sober? isn’t she the deSINated driver?

 **grgwshngturnt:** Yes

 **grgwshngturnt:** She is completely sober, just trying to be helpful

 **lagayette:** Mother Martha

 **whambamthankuham:** JORGE AN D ANGLEJICA I AM WANTING TGO HAVE WORDS WITH YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** SORRY MY TYPING SKILLS ARE DEVOLVING

 **whambamthankuham:** I AM WATNGINT TO HAVE THE WORDS!!!!!!  
**whambamthankuham:** I AM WANTING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

 **grgwshngturnt:** OK

 **grgwshngturnt:** I will be right over

 **whambamthankuham:** IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **grgwshngturnt:** Yes immediately

 **callmemacaroni:** Yoinks

 **angel(ica):** OK I AM WANTING TO HAVE A FIGHT WITH U TOO THEN, UGLY

 **heavens2betsey:** what?? is this even

 **heavens2betsey:** we’ve been here for 5 mins and you’re all rekt

 **theOGgeorge:** IT HAS BEEN ALMSOT 4 HOURS

 **heavens2betsey:** rlly?

 **theOGgeorge:** I DONT GET YOW YOURE SO FINE

 **heavens2betsey:** i metabolize alcohol well we’ve been over this

 **theOGgeorge:** NO I DONT GET HOW YOUA RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND GLWING ALL THE TIME?? ANGEL FACE!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** HKSKCKSCLCALSDCKS BYE

 **turtle:** tag urself im george

 **callmemacaroni:** JAMES JUST STUCK HIS STRAW INTO MY SCOTCH, TOOK A SIP, AND THEN SHRIEKED AND THREW HIMSELF ONTO MY SHOULDER WHILE YELLING IN MY EAR “IT IS HOT”

 **lagayette:** JAMES NEEDS HELP

 **callmemacaroni:** where are you and hercules anyway??

 **lagayette:** WE’RE MAKING OUT

 **lagayette:** IT’S A FUN TIME FOR EVERYONE

 **lagayette:** HE SAYS HELLO

 **lagayette:** WE CAN ALSO SEE PEGGY AND DOLLEY AND MARIA WHO ARE LITERALLY HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES

 **lagayette:** THRIIIIIIViiiiiIIINNNGGGGGGGGGG

 **angel(ica):** i want another drink

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU MAY NOT!!’

 **angel(ica):** CAN YOU EHAR THAT

 **angel(ica):** IT IS THE SOUND OF ME YELLING “OH MY GOD IS THAT TAYLOR SWIFT” AND THEN SNATCHING A MAN’S MARTINI WHEN HE TURNED AROUND TO LOOK

 **callmemacaroni:** i have money i can just buy you a drink you do not need to steal a drink

 **angel(ica):** OK I WILL PUT IT BACK

 **theOGgeorge:** THERE WILL BE NO DRINK BUTYTING

 **angel(ica):** I WILL BEHBANG ING ANOTHRNER DRINK AND THEN ME ANDAHAMCILTON WILL BEHABGING A FIGHT

 **heavens2betsey:** john is it just me or do angelica and alexander sound exactly alike when they’re drunk

 **turtle:** YES THEY BOTH DO THAT WEIRD “WE WILL BE HAVING ___” THING

 **angel(ica):** YOU R. DICK SI WEIRD FUCK YOU

 **turtle:** PLEASE LOVE YOURSELF ANGELICA I AM BEGGING YOU

 **angel(ica):** I WILL NTOT BE GTAKGIN ANYMORE QURSITGONS FROM THEA UDIENCE AT THIS MMOEMNT IN TIME THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE

 **whambamthankuham:** WORDS! WE WILL BE HAVING THEM NOW! IMMEDIATELY!

-o-

_1:48 AM_

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **margaritaville:**...um are alex and angelica mad at each other

 **mariacarey:** they’re having a slap fight??

 **lagayette:** LIKE A T-REX ARM SLAP FIGHT WHERE UR BOTH ONLY USING THE PALMS OF UR HANDS WITH NO FORCE BEHIND IT LIKE UR TRYING TO SLAP A MOSQUITO

 **lagayette:** IT DOESN’T RLLY DO ANYTHING

 **mariacarey:**  IT’S MAKING A SCENE IM SWEATING

 **grgwshngturnt:** Alex is...peeved, to say the least.

 **mariacarey:** why?

 **margaritaville:** OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING

 **lagayette:** WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO WITH THAT MAPLE SYRUP

 **jmadisin:** HERWERHE DID THT TATH FCOMEO FROM?~!

 **dmadisin:** that one was pretty obvious yeah but where DID that come from!?

-o-

_2:15 AM_

_You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **whambamthankuham:** i want to go home

 **turtle:** ok

 **turtle:** betsey?

 **heavens2betsey:** HELO IM DRUNK!

 **turtle:** OK THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW DO YOU WANT TO GO HOME

 **heavens2betsey:** WHERE IS BEING MARTHA

 **turtle:** I’LL GET HER FOR YOU

 **heavens2betsey:** oK

 **heavens2betsey:** ALSO I HAVE SOEMTHING TO  YELL YOU TGUYS

 **whambamthankuham:** yeSE

 **heavens2betsey:** OK SO

 **whambamthankuham:** HOLD ON I WANT TO YELL AT ANGELICA

 **heavens2betsey:** NO ITS IMPORTNAT PLEASE1

-o-

_2:58 AM_

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

 **mrthwshngturnt:** who wants to go home? i’m ready to drive and we can grab food on the way

 **angel(ica):** i want a bandaid

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT HAPPENEED

 **angel(ica):** i trips my own feet and screaped my ne

 **mrthwshngturnt:** knee?

 **angel(ica):** yes the bone one

 **mrthwshngturnt:** it’s ok i have bandaids in my purse

 **mrthwshngturnt:** who is going where?

 **heavens2betsey:** LETS ROUN DEEVRYEONE UP AND HTNE WE CAN TLAK BABOUT WHO WE IS WILL BE STYAGIN WITH

 **mrthwshngturnt:** OK!

-o-

 _You have entered the group:_ **‘soulmates’**

 **heavens2betsey:** OIK CAN I PEALES TLEL TYOUT  MY STOY NOTW

 **turtle:** hang on betsey

 **heavens2betsey:** PLEA EESES

 **turtle:** wait why were you and angelica slap fighting @ alex

 **whambamthankuham:** OK U HAVE TO PROMIS E NEVER TO SAY ANTYING TO HER ELIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** mmmok

 **whambamthankuham:** OK I AM HAVING TO TYPE IT BC I DONT WANT TO TALK OUT LOUD AND I AM GETTING MORE SOBER I THINK SO I CAN DO IT

 **heavens2betsey:** OK GO AHEAD

 **whambamthankuham:** OK

 **whambamthankuham:** noah fence to you guys bc i know u both come from money and there isnttti anything wiornng with being rich i wish i was rich

 **whambamthankuham:** but i am NOT and i always knew from a rlly young age that i was gonna have to work twice as hard as the other kids with REAL PARENTS and MATERIAL POSSESSIONS to refine myself and get ahead

 **whambamthankuham:** and idk it just made me really upset when i found out that gerogue offered angelica the job wihtout even interviewing anynone eelse? bc yes i agree that angelica is sooo smart and maybe a distant cousin of beyonce and predisposed to excel in politics but? there could be toher people out htere

 **whambamthankuham:** there could be other MEs out there who r poor and scarppy who are trying thie r best to find a way into the industry

 **turtle:** SCARPPY

 **whambamthankuham:** LET’S NAME THE CAT SCARPPY

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT CAT

 **turtle:** Y’ALL ARE REKT WTF HSKFJSDKCC

 **turtle:** CONTINUE WITH UR STORY ALEX UR IMAGINING CATS

 **whambamthankuham:** oh right

 **whambamthankuham:** we don’t have a cat

 **whambamthankuham:** ok so anyway

 **whambamthankuham:** watching her get that job UPSET Me because i have seen people get chose just on family name alone SO many times in my career

 **whambamthankuham:** no one knows MY family! i will never get a job bc people hear my last name IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN i am always going to have to be proving my worth to people just because they automatically assume im lesser because im not a fucking. schuyler. or a van renasslen. or something. however you spell that white peopele name. nthis was not shade at you eliza im sjust saying. generally. it’s really sad. and employers always say stuff like “oh im taking a chance on you haha!” NO YOU ARE NOT TAKING A CHANCE ON ME BECAUSE I AM A GENIUS! I  HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS AND I CAN WIPE YOU OUT WITH NEVER BEFORE SEEN PRECISION!!

 **turtle:** i think that’s a meme

 **whambamthankuham:** yeah it is nvm

 **whambamthankuham:** WHAT I MEANT WAS! I AM WAY BETTER THAN STEPEHN HIGHINCOMEBRACKET VAN DICKFACE! BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT BC I ONLY HAVE LIKE 4 NECKTIES AND HE HAS LIKE A REVOLVING NECKTIE RACK BECAUSE HE IS RICH. therea re a lot of peopelw ith talent who get passed oevr ebcause of htis. and its. emo. and i hthink angelica will be an amazing head of pr. and shei s a good person. but i just wihs. things were different. i wish.

 **turtle:** that was so emo

 **turtle:** i thought you said you were getting sober i couldn’t read the last half of that

 **whambamthankuham:** it was bc i was CRYING ok

 **whambamthankuham:** pardon me for my use of a gendered slur but it is bc i am a WEAK BITCH and i have had A LOT OFP ROBELMES IN MY LIFE! AN D NOW MY GIRLFRIEND HATES ME FOR SHIT TALKINGHER SISTER AND I AM GOING. TO DIE.

 **heavens2betsey:** NO I DO NOT HATE YOU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!! AND MAYBE IF YOU EXPRESSED THIS ONION TO GORGE HE WOULD GET IT ANAD MAYBE NOT DO THAT AGAIN!  BECAUSE I AGREE IT IS PROBLEMATCI THT NAME RECOGNITION PLAYS SUCH A BIG PART IN POLITICS! IN AN PROFESSION BASED OFF OF THE FACT THAT WE NEED TO ENFORCE EGALITARIAN IDEALS AND EUQLAITY FO R ALL MEN IT’S KIND OF SHITTY THAT THEY DON’T REFLECT THAT IN HIRING PRACTICES

 **heavens2betsey:** IF I AM SPEKAING RIGHT

 **heavens2betsey:** i definitely menat opinion not onion

 **heavens2betsey:** it’S OK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AnD I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE FACED SO MUCH DISCRIMINATION IN YOUR LIFE YOUA RE SUCH A GOOD AND INTELLIGENT PEROSN AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED AND VALUED YFORYR YOUR INCREDIBEL TAELNTS1!!1!

 **heavens2betsey:** OloiOK. OK. I NEE D TOS AY SOEMTHING. YHUOU GUYS.  NEED TO

 **heavens2betsey:** i dont’ remember

 **heavens2betsey:** do not be watching the news tomorrow is what i am asking you they are going to is be are saying somethign that i ahve not said and you will freak out

 **turtle:** ok it seems like youre SUPER drunk

 **turtle:** like you have lost control of verb tenses

 **turtle:** i am tipsy but you guys are. OUT THERE. so i think you need to get some food and go to sleep

 **heavens2betsey:** OH MY GOD!! I LOVE SLEEP! SHE’S SO PRETTY!

 **heavens2betsey:** no you said sleep but i was thinking of martha

 **turtle:** okay that makes no sense she doesn’t even have an S in her name

 **turtle:** turn your phones off we are going to bed

 **heavens2betsey:** YY AYY OK I LVE YOU

 **whambamthankuham:** i am doing the cry which is why i am not syaing in ahithyint in here

 **turtle:** i can see you doing the cry we’re in the same bed

 **whambamthankuham:** RIGHT

 **whambamthankuham:** WOW THAT’S SO COOL

 **whambamthankuham:** PROBABLY SOME DAY WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED AND THEN WE WILL BE IN THE SAME BED ALL THE TIME

 **turtle:** alexander we live together

 **whambamthankuham:** OH MY GOD

 **whambamthankuham:** IM SO HAPPY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

 **turtle:** WHY DO YOU HAVE AMNESIA SUDDENLY

 **whambamthankuham:** i hda a bottle of bailey’s nad a straw @ one point i think

 **turtle:** GOD

 **turtle:** WE CAN’T HAVE KIDS IM AWFUL AT BABYSITTING APPARENTLY

 **whambamthankuham:** NO,,, OUY ARE SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING,,,, HANDJOBS, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS, MITIGATING WORKPLACE DISAGREEMENTS, MAKING RLLY GOOD ASOPAO DE POLLO

 **whambamthankuham:** AND YU R RLELAY GOOD AT HAVIGN FREKCLES

 **turtle:** thank u

 **turtle:** goodnight i love you very much

 **whambamthankuham:** NO BUT I DIDN’T GET TO SAY ANYTHING NICE TO ELIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** SHE IS SLEEPY CAN U SAY IT LOUD SO SHE DOESNT HAVE TO READ IT

 **whambamthankuham:** OK I WILL I LOVE YOU ELIZA YOU ARE AMAZING

 **turtle:** GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU BOTH PLEASE GO TO BED THERE’S IBUPROFEN ON THE NIGHTSTAND FOR WHEN YOU WAKE UP!

 **whambamthankuham:** john,.,.u my ibuBROfen

 

 **turtle:** i want a divorce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #5: had a bit of a thing this week w/ finding hate or whatever and i just wanna say I ACTUALLY REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY FIC? like a lot. im very interested in that bc i know i've fucked up and there's in-continuities out the ass so! if you wanna tweet them @ me go ahead or if you wanna subtweet me go ahead...i usually don't @ ppl about it anyway i just had a thing this week over it that prob won't happen again. i'd never wanna be the type of person who is like YOU CANNOT TRASH TALK MY STUFF EVER! bc that's dumb and not what i want at all. you have complete and total agency to not-like whatever im doing (which is obvious i guess lmao) and i truly welcome it! y'all have yet to question how eliza, someone who works for a nonprofit, can live in an apartment by herself with exposed brick and hardwood floors and yet not be bankrupt and um...for that i am grateful because i couldn't answer it. just trying to have fun here LMFAO i know it's not amazing! <3 as always, i am ever yours, @jamesmadisin on twitter and irltrash on tumblr. will try to update more regularly but im back in school so...all bets are off. love you, see you some time soon!


	19. GODDAMMIT, ELIZA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIII it's been a while! just a few quick things then we can go have fun, i promise. SO i'm super busy with school, i have classes every single day and am constantly taking exams which...sucks, so i've been trying to stay on top of that. i'm also working out every evening and also trying to have a social life and looking at internships and learning a new language and YEAH things are moving pretty fast over here. also i wrote two mulder/scully kink fics because i love sin and i might put those up soon so keep an eye out for that! also: hamildoc! watched it, loved it, am desperately longing to hear your opinions on it, please deposit them in the comments. on the note of comments, I LOVE ALL OF YOURS and am slowly working through heaps and heaps of 'em, but keep them coming! i am powered by external validation. okay, go read! love you bunches. see you at the bottom. P.S. if you see errors/misgendering please @ me on it so i can fix

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** what the actual fuck happened to me last night

 **callmemacaroni:** i am SO surprised you're even alive

 **jmadisin:** there's no fluid left in my body

 **callmemacaroni:** i bet there isn't

 **mariacarey:** nOT WITH HOW MUCH YOU WERE CRYING LAST NIGHT

 **jmadisin:** I WAS CRYING?!

 **margaritaville:** yes. a lot.

 **jmadisin:** oh no

 **jmadisin:** what did i do to you peggy

 **margaritaville:** YOU CRIED ONTO MY SHOULDER ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THOMAS FOR THIRTY MINUTES

 **margaritaville:** YOU'RE HEAVY THE WHOLE RIGHT SIDE OF MY BODY IS ACHING

 **margaritaville:** YOU MADE ME HOLD YOU LIKE AN INFANT IN MY LAP

 **jmadisin:** oh my God

 **jmadisin:** im so sorry

 **dmadisin:** yeah and this was AFTER you insisted that we had to all go home with you and listen to this mixtape that you made for thomas

 **jmadisin:** what was on it

 **dmadisin:** EVERY SINGLE TRACK WAS “EGO” BY BEYONCE

 **jmadisin:** NO

 **jmadisin:** HOW MANY TRACKS WAS IT

 **dmadisin:** /THIRTY FOUR/

 **jmadisin:** OH MY GOD

 **jmadisin:** IM SO SORRY

 **dmadisin:** YOU KEPT INSISTING IT WAS GONNA CHANGE SONGS SO LIKE IDIOTS WE ALL SAT SKIPPING THROUGH EGO 34 FUCKING TIMES

 **callmemacaroni:** IM TOUCHED THAT YOU ASSOCIATE EGO WITH ME BUT THAT WAS SO LONG

 **callmemacaroni:** as long as my dick but anyway

 **jmadisin:** i wish you were dead

 **jmadisin:** i wish i was dead

 **jmadisin:** i wish we were both dead

 **mariacarey:** i wish you were dead too peggy has been humming ego for hours

 **mariacarey:** they have an absolutely gorgeous singing voice but IM TIRED OF IT!!!! I HEARD IT 34 TIMES YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!

 **jmadisin:** i...im so sorry i promise i would never have done that sober

 **jmadisin:** i would’ve only made you listen to the first two rounds probably

 **dmadisin:** im going to suffocate you in your sleep

 **jmadisin:** thomas, on an unrelated note, we need to change the locks

 **callmemacaroni:** i’m half inclined to let her tbh

 **jmadisin:** yOU WOULD NOT YOU FILTHY FUCKING LIAR YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH

 **callmemacaroni:** james who

 **jmadisin:** YOU RAT

 **turtle:** y’all

 **turtle:** im having a recollection

 **turtle:** but it might be a hallucination

 **turtle:** so i need to ask some questions first

 **turtle:** what kind of drunk is thomas

 **jmadisin:** he’s a handsy drunk im blessed i receive 35-45% of my physical interaction from thomas after he’s had more than two tumblers of scotch or whiskey

 **turtle:** THAT’S A HIGH PERCENTAGE AND ALSO MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP IS BASED OFF OF ALCOHOLISM

 **jmadisin:** THAT WAS AN EXAGGERATION HE’S NOT DON DRAPER OR ANYTHING

 **turtle:** ok interesting. so. next. jefferson, what percentage of the night would you say you spent with alex?

 **callmemacaroni:** uhhhhm. i think maybe we talked an hour or so before he and angelica threw down?? i don’t remember exactly? after i finished my really expensive drink eliza made me split like five margaritas with her

 **turtle:** INTERESTING. and do u perchance recall if anyone else was with you?

 **callmemacaroni:** you might’ve been? or i could have been hallucinating the fish from shark tales? but i don’t think so because i wasn’t THAT drunk

 **turtle:** I N T E R E S T I N G. VERY INTERESTING. FASCINATING, ONE MIGHT SAY.

 **turtle:** do you recall ANYTHING ELSE?

 **callmemacaroni:** what are you fishing for here dude

 **turtle:** do you remember

**turtle** _is typing…_

_…_

_…_

_..._

**callmemacaroni:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TYPING, WAR AND PEACE?

 **turtle:** do you remember THIS?!

 **callmemacaroni:** it took you five minutes to type “do you remember this”?

 **turtle:** NO NO SORRY IM TRYING TO SEND SOMETHING BUT MY DATA ISN’T WORKING PLEASE HOLD ON THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SHOCKING IMAGE ATTACHMENT FUCK

 **callmemacaroni:** oh ok im standing by then

**turtle** _has sent an image:_ **filesandinformation1.jpg**

**callmemacaroni:** WHAT THE HELL

 **dmadisin:** WHAT THE FUFFSKCJSOCJISJC

 **jmadisin:** IM SCREAMING

 **jmadisin:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 **margaritaville:** MARIA JUST STARTED CRY-LAUGHING

 **callmemacaroni:** OK YOU CAN’T USE PHOTOSHOP WHILE DRUNK THAT’S  A RECIPE FOR DISASTER

 **jmadisin:** THATS SUC H A  GOOD MANIP

 **turtle:** no. it’s not. jefferson made out with alex last night somewhere between one and three AM last night if my time stamp is correct.

 **callmemacaroni:** NO I DIDNT YOU FUCKING LIAR

 **turtle:** LOOK AT THE PICTURE

 **callmemacaroni:** I DIDNT I DIDNT I DID NOT!!! IW OUSLD NEVER!!! THIS IS LIES AND HEARSAY!! MALARKEY!!!!

 **jmadisin:** THAT SEEMS LIKE A REAL PICTURE IM LAUGHIGN SO HAR D

 **callmemacaroni:** I WOULD NEVER

 **callmemacaroni:** KISSING IS ILLEGAL IN VIRGINIA MY HOME STATE AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT AND I HAVE NEVER DONE IT ITS ILELGLE.A LL. I TS FUCKING ILLEGIEAL I WOUDL NEVER EVER DO IT

 **jmadisin:** IM FROM VIRGINIA TOO IT’S NOT ILLEGAL I THINK YOU MADE OUT WITH ALEX

 **callmemacaroni:** I DONT KNOW WHAT THE AT IS IVE NEVER EHEAD D OF IT I HAEVVE TO LEAVE

 **turtle:** LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**turtle:** LOOK!!!!!!

 **callmemacaroni:** fucking

 **callmemacaroni:** God fucking damn it did i do that

 **turtle:** things you did: 1. that

 **jmadisin:** I M HOWLING

 **jmadisin:** IM LUAGHING SO HAR  D FUKCINGKGM,GSGK.S

 **dmadisin:** oh no

 **dmadisin:** you guys jefferson is taking this hard but can you imagine how bad hamilton is gonna take it

 **callmemacaroni:** listen to me

 **callmemacaroni:** he can never know

 **turtle:** actually i agree

 **mariacarey:** IIIKSKKCKMSCLCKS

 **mariacarey:** FUSKCINC

 **mariacarey:** YOSULKCJ FGYAUKSIDJCKLSL JDPCSD

 **mariacarey:** JAKSJDJHFHAHJDHAHIDHAHIDCOIOCJKLDS

 **mariacarey:** SLDLLCLSLCKCLKCSK

 **mariacarey:** ISDJIFJSIKDCMSIJDCI9

 **mariacarey:** EIKEKKSKCCJSICS

 **mariacarey:** jkekJKCHEHEHEHEHuihnsdndnHIDSDICjkl

 **dmadisin:** give her a minute

 **turtle:** actually no keep spamming the chat

 **turtle:** then he won’t scroll up

 **mariacarey:** I COULDNT STOPS EVENE IN F I TIRE D THIS IS S O

 **mariacarey:** JKK..MCKLSLSMCSAVUOIRZERSGYUGYJJBHYJHYBJBHYJL

 **mariacarey:** you US JUST

 **mariacarey:** YOUUO UFCKIENING IDIOT

 **mariacarey:** YOURE SO STUPSDI IM ALUGHING SO HAR D

 **callmemacaroni:** ok that’s enough spamming

 **mariacarey:** KEKEKKCKCKSKSKEKEKEKEKEKSKKSNCNCNS

 **callmemacaroni:** IM GOING BACK TO BED THIS IS TOO MUCH

 **jmadisin:** baby...my one and only...my rock...my treasured angel...will you make breakfast?

 **callmemacaroni:** i will Postmates breakfast

 **jmadisin:** good enough

 **jmadisin:** love you

 **callmemacaroni:** and i love you

 **turtle:** im throwing up

 **callmemacaroni:** BYE!!!

 **margaritaville:** can we go to denny’s

 **angel(ica):** good mornihng you fuckers

 **angel(ica):** i have just received an email from school

 **angel(ica):** is everyone registered

 **margaritaville:** fuckinf

 **margaritaville:** FUCKING HELL JERRY

 **angel(ica):** PEGGY

 **margaritaville:** FUCK I KNEW I HAD SOMETHING TO DO THIS MORNING I HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET MY RECORDS FROM DAD

 **margaritaville:** JESUS CHRIST

 **dmadisin:** for those of you watching at home, peggy just stepped on my arm while scrambling out of bed and it really hurt

 **margaritaville:** SORRY BABE

 **margaritaville:** GOT 2 FUCKIN BLAST

 **angel(ica):** did you really wait till like. the last week to register

 **margaritaville:** GOING TO THE TRAIN STATION RIGHT NOW IF ANYONE’S AT THE BURRS’ AND CAN GRAB MY BAG AND TOOTHBRUSH AND MEET ME THERE I’LL ACTUALLY MARRY YOU

 **mariacarey:** excuse me im going to get that fucking bag

 **dmadisin:** IM GOING

 **deartheo:** i’ll bring it

 **deartheo:** go fast my child

 **deartheo:** im already married but when you come back to visit will you bring donuts

 **margaritaville:** HTNAKS MOM AND YES

 **angel(ica):** this is giving me anxiety and it has nothing to do with me

 **theOGgeorge:** Good morning

 **angel(ica):** good morning

 **theOGgeorge:** Hey remember when you tried to punch John Adams

 **angel(ica):** can you shut ryouur rfuikcningl,k snmoutjh???

 **theOGgeorge:** MAKE ME

 **angel(ica):** SHUT UP YOU GAY BULLY

 **theOGgeorge:** M A K E  M E!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** CAN YOU STOP IT

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT IS THE MOST SEXUALLY CHARGED THING I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE LIFE CAN YOU STOP!!!!!  
**theOGgeorge:** Make

 **theOGgeorge:** me.

 **heavens2betsey:** STOP IM IN A COMMITTED, SEXUALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP, AND YET FOR A BRIEF MOMENT I WAS TEMPTED TO SLAM YOU INTO A WALL AND MAKE OUT WITH YOU

 **theOGgeorge:** KEKKSKCKKSCKCSJKSCSCJB

 **theOGgeorge:** Okay we’ll stop

 **angel(ica):** make me

 **heavens2betsey:** shut up you gay ass take it up the ass head ass fool

**theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **eyeemoji-zoomedin.jpg**

**angel(ica):** FUCKING!! STOP

 **angel(ica):** THERE ARE LIKE SEVEN OTHER PEOPLE IN HERE WHO ARE CONFIRMED TO HAVE TAKEN IT UP THE ASS WHY ARE WE TARGETING ME YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR WHO I AM

 **theOGgeorge:** eyeemoji-zoomedin.jpg

 **angel(ica):** did you just spell out the image instead of sending it again

 **theOGgeorge:** Yes it was for meme effect

 **angel(ica):** i want a divorce

 **theOGgeorge:** WE AREN’T MARRIED

 **angel(ica):** AND NOW WE NEVER WILL BE WITH THAT ATTITUDE

 **deartheo:** WE OUT HERE

 **margaritaville:** how did you get there so fast im not even there

 **deartheo:** it’s my mom powers

 **deartheo:** no im shitting you me and aaron live like ten minutes away

 **margaritaville:** OH

 **margaritaville:** SEE YOU SOON

 **turtle:** ok wait eliza last night you said you had something really big to tell us

 **heavens2betsey:** i did??

 **heavens2betsey:** i don’t remember

 **turtle:** oh well maybe it wasn’t that important

 **heavens2betsey:** i guess not

 **heavens2betsey:** i’ll remember eventually i guess

 **lagayette:** good morning mes amies

 **lagayette:** mes amemes

 **heavens2betsey:** good morning angel

 **h0rsefucker:** good morning

 **heavens2betsey:** good morning you filthy horse fucker

 **h0rsefucker:** WTF

 **heavens2betsey:** :)

 **turtle:** listen,

 **turtle:** does anyone know why my dad is in my call log from last night?

 **lagayette:** oh dear

 **lagayette:** john

 **turtle:** OH NO

 **turtle:** /i/ didn’t call him, did i??

 **lagayette:** well...no

 **turtle:** what happened

 **h0rsefucker:** okay,, so…

 **h0rsefucker:** do you remember sitting outside with me and lafayette at like four thirty am

 **turtle:** uhhhh

 **turtle:** vaguely

 **lagayette:** your dad called

 **lagayette:** and he said he was in london on important business

 **lagayette:** and he asked how you were

 **lagayette:** and in a blind panic, presumably, because you just really want to impress him, you….

 **h0rsefucker:** yikes

 **turtle:** WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO??

 **turtle:** DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW??

 **lagayette:** you told him you were dating a girl

 **turtle:** oh God

 **turtle:** oh my God i told him i was in a polyamorous relationship didn’t i

 **turtle:** how could i be so fucking stupid oh no oh my God fuck

 **lagayette:** no you didn’t

 **lagayette:** okay when you said you were dating someone and he asked who

 **lagayette:** you said you were dating peggy

**turtle** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**dmadisin:** MARIA JUST SPEWED ORANGE JUICE ONTO ME

 **dmadisin:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD

 **heavens2betsey:** JEUSS CHRIST

 **heavens2betsey:** ANGELICA REMEMBER WHEN PEGGY WAS YOUNGER AND REALLY SHY AND PEOPLE WOULD FORGET THAT WE WERE EVEN RELATED AND NOW THEY'RE FUCKING,, STEALING MY MANS

 **angel(ica):** STOPPPP IM CACKLING!!!

 **lagayette:** EJDBDJSJS

 **lagayette:** IM ELIZA

 **heavens2betsey:** SNATCHED FROM MY HANDS ON MY OWN WATCH

 **heavens2betsey:** btw where is peggy anyway did they get to the train station OK??

 **angel(ica):** idk im just assuming theo has come through

 **angel(ica):** im gonna call dad and ask him where peggy’s school stuff is they're always losing their ID

 **jmadisin:** can we talk about what else happened last night though

 **angel(ica):** yeah do you have any dirt

 **jmadisin:** george told me a really funny story involving candy cigarettes but i don’t remember how it ended

 **theOGgeorge:** HESKEKESK YESSS

 **theOGgeorge:** OH GOD IT’S SO EMBARASSING BUT IT’S REALLY FUNNY

 **theOGgeorge:** ANGELICA I DON’T THINK YOU’VE HEARD THIS BEFORE, IT WAS BEFORE YOU KNEW ME

 **angel(ica):**!!!!

 **theOGgeorge:** Okay so. Like six years ago, (I think I had just turned 18 maybe?) I was outside a club eating candy cigarettes because my blood sugar was low and that was the only thing I had in my pocket. Don’t ask why, it’s not important. So I’m leaning against this wall with a candy cigarette dangling out of the side of my mouth, and it was dark so I guess it looked like I was _actually_ smoking? And this REALLY hot boy came out of the club, saw me, walked up, and pulled out an ACTUAL cigarette, right? And he was like “you got a light?” and I was like fuck YES I have a light fucking RAIL ME what the FUCK!

 **theOGgeorge:** I just happened to have a lighter on me, right, so I lit his cigarette for him and we got to talking and he just? Never noticed that I was slowly crunching down my “cigarette”?? So I threw away the last bit of it when I'd chewed it all up so it seemed like I was really smoking

 **theOGgeorge:** And then we made out and I went home with him and we had really good sex right

 **theOGgeorge:** BUT THE THING IS

 **theOGgeorge:** HE WAS SMOKING AGAIN WHEN WE WERE DONE OK AND HE OFFERED ME THE PACK AND I WAS LIKE HAHA I'M GOOD!!!! AND HE WAS LIKE YOU SURE? :) AND I WAS LIKE FUCK...HE CAN’T KNOW THAT WAS A CANDY CIGARETTE I'M GONNA HAVE TO FUCKING SMOKE THAT

 **theOGgeorge:** AND YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER I WAS ABOUT 18 AT THE TIME AND HADN’T SMOKED ANYTHING OR DRANK ANYTHING BEFORE REALLY BC I LIVED THE SHELTERED LIFE OF A ROYAL CHILD YOU KNOW

 **theOGgeorge:** SO I SMOKED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS BED AND WAS TRYING NOT TO FUCKING COUGH UP A WHOLE LUNG

 **theOGgeorge:** AND THAT'S HOW MY ANXIETY FORCED ME TO SMOKE A WHOLE PACK OF CIGARETTES IN ONE EVENING SO NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT ME OF BEING A FUCKING POSER

 **jmadisin:** OH GOD

 **jmadisin:** THAT WAS MUCH FUNNEIR THAN I REMMEBERED

 **angel(ica):** YOU DIDN'T HAVE YO SMOKE IT YOI COULD HAVE KUST SAID NO THANKS I CANT BREATJE IM LAUGBING SJO HARD FFJK

 **lagayette:** i hate that i relate so much to that

 **lagayette:** i would do that

 **lagayette:** when i first moved here i told a boy i was french and when we fucked he kept asking me to talk dirty to him in french and i didn’t really want to so i panicked and started whispering my grocery list to him item by item

 **lagayette:** i was like “i need shampoo” and he BSUTED A FUCJKING NUT

 **heavens2betsey:** are we sure this isn’t a story about hercules

 **h0rsefucker:** FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK RIGHT OFF SATAN!!!!!!!!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** EHKSJKSFDF

 **jmadisin:** maria told me something REALLY weird about hamilton too but i can’t remember

 **jmadisin:** it was something about being straight?? i can’t remember but it was wild

 **heavens2betsey:** well it probably wasn’t about alex if it was about being straight

 **mariacarey:** HAH GOT EM

 **mariacarey:** yeah it was nothing haha nothing happened?? idk what you’re talking about

 **jmadisin:** ….shady as shit, fam.

 **mariacarey:** SHUT UP???

 **heavens2betsey:** ok i will be right back im going to check on john

 **h0rsefucker:** where is ham

 **heavens2betsey:** he sleepin

 **heavens2betsey:** i imagine he’s going to have a hell of a headache so im leaving him alone

 **h0rsefucker:** that’s probably for the best

 **margaritaville:** OK IM ON A TRAIN BACK IN A DAY OR SO MOST LIKELY MUCH LOVE XOXO BYE

 **dmadisin:** we will miss u

 **margaritaville:** <3!!!

 **h0rsefucker:** love u pegs

 **margaritaville:** go fuck a horse you degenerate seamstress

 **h0rsefucker:** aw <3 ur so sweet <3

 **margaritaville:** love u!

 **lagayette:** is john alive

 **heavens2betsey:** he is Sweating

 **margaritaville:** what he do

 **heavens2betsey:** EKEFKSKDKF NOTHING

 **margaritaville:** wyd fam

 **lagayette:** NOTHING AND NO ONE

 **lagayette:** NOTHIGN HAPPENED

 **margaritaville:**...smh

 **margaritaville:** can y’all tell me later please im trying to use the train wifi for registering for school but it’s like $5 so im gonna ask the lady next to me if i can borrow her laptop

 **theOGgeorge:** Call me and I’ll read my credit card off to you

 **margaritaville:**...im in love with you

 **margaritaville:** will u marry me

 **theOGgeorge:** John has dibs I think

 **margaritaville:** WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 **theOGgeorge:** YOU’LL SEE

 **margaritaville:** smh

 **margaritaville:** im calling u

 **theOGgeorge:** OK!

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘everyone but peggy’**

**turtle:** HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM

 **turtle:** DO I TELL PEGGY WHAT I DID

 **turtle:** OR DO I JUST TELL MY DAD HE CAN NEVER MEET MY “GF”

 **heavens2betsey:** isn’t ur college money largely dependent on u being A) straight and single or B) straight and in a relationship

 **turtle:** YES BUT

 **turtle:** I COULD LIE

 **heavens2betsey:** john,..,, darling..,., love of my life….. song of my soul…. my angel...sweetheart….my dearest,

 **heavens2betsey:** you are AWFUL at lying to your dad

 **heavens2betsey:** YOU’RE SO BAD AT LYING TO YOUR DAD THAT YOU TOLD HIM YOU WERE DATING YOUR REAL GIRLFRIEND’S YOUNGER SIBLING

 **turtle:** okay so you think i should kill myself then

 **heavens2betsey:** WHAT???

 **heavens2betsey:** NO??

 **heavens2betsey:** WHEN DID I EVER SAY THAT

 **lagayette:** okay you need to calm down

 **lagayette:** let me handle this

 **turtle:** WHAT DO YOU KNOW LAFAYETTE YOUR PARENTS ARE BOTH OPENLY BISEXUAL

 **lagayette:** yes but im smarter than you

 **turtle:** just because you scored one point higher on the french SATs doesn’t mean you’ll be able to handle this situation well

 **lagayette:** the exams in france are very different from the SATs you can’t equivocate them

 **turtle:** anyway just bc you scored better on the french SATs

 **theOGgeorge:** Okay that’s enough

 **theOGgeorge:** Listen

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m the MASTER of being fake straight

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m even better at it than Madison and Madison has a FAKE WIFE

 **theOGgeorge:** Come to Daddy, John

 **theOGgeorge:** I will fix your life

 **turtle:** DON’T CALL YOURSELF DADDY

 **theOGgeorge:** Sorry, guess I should’ve left that to your boyfriend

 **heavens2betsey:** ROAST!!!

 **h0rsefucker:** DRAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

 **turtle:** im so dead

 **theOGgeorge:** IT’S OKAY I PROMISE

 **theOGgeorge:** I am SO amazing and incredible

 **theOGgeorge:** You don’t even know how FLAWLESS I am

 **theOGgeorge:** I will SAVE YOU

 **turtle:** ….i literally have no other options, which is why i’m doing this

 **turtle:** not because i trust you

 **turtle:** i am so afraid of you

 **turtle:** just so you understand

 **theOGgeorge:** I know, darling

 **theOGgeorge:** It’s okay I’ll take care of everything

 **dmadisin:** george will you fix MY life

 **theOGgeorge:** All in good time

 **mrthwshngturnt:** GOOD MORNING MY BELOVED OFFSPRING

 **h0rsefucker:** GOOD MORNING

 **mrthwshngturnt:** not you you equestriansexual motherfucker

 **h0rsefucker:** whAT THE FUCK

 **lagayette:** GOOD MORNIGN

 **mrthwshngturnt:** HELLO DEAREST

 **mrthwshngturnt:** I AM FEEDING THE KITTENS THIS MORNING

 **lagayette:** God bless you

 **lagayette:** im a terrible parent

 **mrthwshngturnt:** NO YOU AREN’T

 **mrthwshngturnt:** SHHH I LOVE YOU

 **grgwshngturnt:** Good morning

 **h0rsefucker:** HI

 **grgwshngturnt:** Stick your dick in any horses lately?

 **h0rsefucker:** WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME I LITERALLY JSUT WANT TO BE LOVED?????

 **mariacarey:** ok y’all im going back to sleep

 **theOGgeorge:** WAIT JUST A MOMENT EVERYONE

 **theOGgeorge:** CAN SOMEONE PLEAES EXPELAIN TO ME SOEMTHING

 **mrthwshngturnt:**??

 **theOGgeorge:** MY DICK?? IS?? BLUE??

 **dmadisin:** MARIA JUST PROJECTILE SPAT WATER ACROSS THE ROOM AND DOWN MY SHIRT

 **dmadisin:** I CAN T BREATHE WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN GEORGE

 **theOGgeorge:** IT MEANS MY PENIS IS BLUE

 **theOGgeorge:** WHO IS THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

 **turtle:** c’est moi

 **theOGgeorge:** REMOVE THE WASHINGTURNTS REAL QUICK

 **turtle** _has removed_ **grgwshngturnt** _and_ **mrthwshngturnt** _from the group:_ **‘everyone but peggy’**

**theOGgeorge** _has sent an image:_ **WHWATHTEFUKC.JPG**

**lagayette:** oh my God

 **dmadisin:** that is...huge…

 **theOGgeorge:** NO LOOK IT'S FUCKING BLUE

 **turtle:** i…

 **lagayette:** DID YOU JUST. SEND US A DICK PIC

 **lagayette:** DID YOU MEAN TO

 **theOGgeorge:** YES

 **h0rsefucker:** lafayette on a scale of 1 to revolving door how open is our relationship

 **theOGgeorge:** NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!! MY DICK IS BLUE!!!!!!

 **mariacarey:** listen

 **mariacarey:** im a lesbian but

 **mariacarey:** and keep in mind that me being a lesbian does not mean i don’t encounter dicks bc not all women have vaginas

 **mariacarey:** im a lesbian but

 **mariacarey:** i think im attracted to a cis man and his name is george

 **theOGgeorge:** MARIA NO

 **theOGgeorge:** HONEY THIS IS NOT THE TIME

 **theOGgeorge:** MY DICK IS BLUE

 **angel(ica):** you leave for ONE minute…

 **theOGgeorge:** ANGELICA MY DICK IS BLUE

 **angel(ica):** ERJFJKEKFJEKJ

 **theOGgeorge:** WHY

**angel(ica)** _has added_ **mrthwshngturnt** _to the group:_ **‘everyone but peggy’**

**angel(ica):** why is george’s dick blue

 **mrthwshngturnt:** OH

 **mrthwshngturnt:** THAT is a sad story

 **mrthwshngturnt:** i was dropping you all off at home and lafayette dared george to stick his dick in his slushie? i don’t know why i think it was just for the gag

 **mrthwshngturnt:** and so i stopped the car bc i have a mercedes and?? i’m not getting food coloring on the leather OBVIOUSLY

 **mrthwshngturnt:** and george put his dick in the slushie

 **theOGgeorge:** Why

 **theOGgeorge:** I truly and sincerely despise Drunk Me

 **mrthwshngturnt:** you might be? freezer burnt,,, but i think you’ll be fine otherwise

 **theOGgeorge:** I have so many questions… For my dick to be THIS blue, it would have to have been in the slushie for an extended period of time… How...Long...Was...It...In...There

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** Good morning!

 **mrthwshngturnt:** DO YOU THINK I STOPWATCH TIMED YOU FUCKING A 7/11 ICEE

 **mariacarey:** I CAN’T BREAT HE

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** Aaaaaand I’m going back to sleep.

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin** _has added_ **turtle** _to the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** me and thomas just got food do y’all wanna come over?

 **heavens2betsey:** yah!!! ham isn’t up yet though so we might be late

 **mrthwshngturnt:** can we come :)

 **jmadisin:** obviously

 **dmadisin:** did martha just become squad mom

 **mrthwshngturnt:** I HOPE SO

 **dmadisin:** i hope so too for eliza’s sake

 **heavens2betsey:** u know,, and this is NOT a drag or shade at anyone i absolutely promise,, i was just thinking about this and its role in our media and stuff and squad mom reminded me of it

 **heavens2betsey:** i think possibly because we have such an undersupply of women/femme presenting/not-men people in our friend group we are quick to lump anyone vaguely feminine into the role of mother or protector, which i personally believe is just as big of a sin as writing women off altogether

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s not!! a cool or fun thing to put these people into like the 3 main stereotypes of women: mother, guard dog, and the Other™, typically characterized with something edgy like being a “sl*t” (which is a social construct and an ugly word) or a wild child,,, but i think people are quick to do that and it...bothers me a lot

 **heavens2betsey:** and people outside our friend group do that to us all the time,,, it’s so weird and it just contributes to!! insisting that women have to fill a role or serve some particular extreme purpose when we.,.,. don’t require that of men,,, it’s fine for you to Not Have A Label,,, you don’t have to do any big grand gestures or always behave one way for you to be a valued and treasured friend,,,, but then if you, outside of these boxes, decide that you enjoy being squad mom or that it is a natural role for you to take, then i am in FULL SUPPORT OF IT.,., sometimes those labels are accurate and point out parts of your personality contribute to your behavior more prevalently than others, which is cool and good too!!!

 **heavens2betsey:** IDK IT MAKES ME SO,.,, SWEATTE.JPG

 **heavens2betsey:** MY STATEMENT IS DEVOLVING IM GONNA STOP TALKING BUT I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW,,, JUST BE YOURSELF,, IT’S OK,, THIS ISN’T AN AUDITION FOR A MUSICAL IT’S JUST US LIVING OUR LIVES,, WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU CAN SHARE THE WORST /AND/ THE BEST PARTS OF YOURSELF WITH US,,,..,.,. LIFE IS MESSY AND DOESN’T ALWAYS ALLOW LABELS TO WORK OUT™ AND THAT’S OK!! WE DON’T HAVE TO BE SQUAD MOMS… WE CAN JUST BE PEOPLE.

 **dmadisin:** that was...strangely beautiful and profound

 **mrthwshngturnt:** quote of the year: we don’t have to be squad moms...we can just be people

 **heavens2betsey:** STOPP I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM SAYING IT JUST MAKES ME NERVOUS BECAUSE IM AFRAID PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO Do Certain Things TO QUALIFY FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH US AND THAT’S NOT!! WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT IM S O

 **angel(ica):** eliza: we do not have to be squad moms

also eliza: publishes a pamphlet about how friendship is magic

 **heavens2betsey:** u know what angelica go finger bang ur ass somewhere else u pseudo-intellectual sapiosexual lookin ass fool u look like a mop with a wig on ok how do u feel is that nice enough for u

 **angel(ica):** fucCKINF

 **theOGgeorge:** WTF DRAG

 **angel(ica):** IM

 **heavens2betsey:** IM SORRY I JUST FEEL VERY PASSIONATELY ABOTU THIS

 **angel(ica):** I WAS . KIDDING IM SO SORYR

 **angel(ica):** ISMMKCSKN

 **heavens2betsey:** im soRRY IM NOT REALLY MAD I WA SJJSTU. CONSIDERING THE ISSUE AT HAND. SOR RY I LOV EYOU SO MUCH YOU KNOW THAT

 **angel(ica):** IT’S OK HONESTLY SPILL THE TEA!!!!

 **angel(ica):** SPILL IT!!!

 **margaritaville:** fuckin...roast….im s o

 **margaritaville:** beautiful

 **margaritaville:** listen you guys

 **margaritaville:** king blue dick just bought me train wifi so i could sign up for my classes but i dont remember my ID number

 **heavens2betsey:** it’s m1638138

 **angel(ica):** m1638138

 **margaritaville:** WHY DO YOU BOTH HAVE THAT MEMORIZED

 **angel(ica):** this is really embarrassing

 **angel(ica):** i photocopied your whole school ID because you look really cute in your picture and i put it on my dorm fridge so i see the number all the time

 **theOGgeorge:** THAT’S TRUE I SEE IT EVERY TIME I’M IN HER DORM

 **theOGgeorge:** WHEN SHE HAS PEOPLE OVER SHE’S ALWAYS LIKE “hey isn’t that pic on my fridge cute” AND THEY’RE LIKE YEAH WHO IS IT AND SHE’S LIKE “:)) it’s peggy :))”

 **angel(ica):** CAN YOU STOP

 **theOGgeorge:** SHE HAS MOST OF YOUR SCHOOL PICTURES FROM LIKE 8TH GRADE TO YOUR SENIOR YEAR ON A CORKBOARD IN HER ROOM

 **angel(ica):** THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING STOP GEORGE

 **margaritaville:** IM CRYING...

 **heavens2betsey:** LMFAOOOO

 **heavens2betsey:** i just keep important documents in my google cloud in case stuff like this ever happens

 **turtle:** okay don’t act like you don’t have pics of peggy and angelica in your wallet

 **heavens2betsey:** i don’t want to talk about it

 **turtle:** she has pics of both of you in her wallet and alex told me that when they first started going out she’d pull out pics of you and be like btw :) look at my siblings :) ain’t they cute :) and he’d be like haha yes :) you’ve shown me these photos six times :) in the past week

 **h0rsefucker:** eliza has a hand drawn picture of peggy in a locket

 **heavens2betsey:** IM GOING TO KILL MYSLEF

 **margaritaville:** THAT’ SSO FUNNY

 **margaritaville:** LIKE THIS IS THE 1700S  AND YOU CAN’T PULL UP MY INSTAGRAM IF SOMEONE IS LIKE HAHA WHAT’S YOUR YOUNGER SIB LOOK LIKE

 **heavens2betsey:** LISTEN

 **heavens2betsey:** WHEN I FIRST SIGNED UP FOR MY YMCA MEMBERSHIP I TOOK A PORTRAIT CLASS AND A JEWELRY MAKING CLASS

 **heavens2betsey:** HENCE THE LOCKET

 **heavens2betsey:** I DON’T WANT TO TALK  ABOUT IT ANYMORE

 **h0rsefucker:** do you guys think somewhere there’s a jewelry rack with lockets with our portraits inside

 **h0rsefucker:** like tiny, heart shaped, incredibly well drawn pictures of all of us inside antique looking sterling silver lockets

 **lagayette:** i absolutely think eliza has a storage locker filled with portraits of us and won’t admit it

 **lagayette:** that seems real

 **heavens2betsey:** I DON’T

 **heavens2betsey:** STOP IT IMMEDIATELY

 **heavens2betsey:** bTHAT WOULD BE SO WEIRD AND NOT FUNNY AT ALL

 **lagayette:** be honest do you have a storage locker

 **heavens2betsey:** I ALREADY LIVE IN A FANCY APARTMENT WITH EXPOSED BRICK WALLS AND HARDWOOD FLOORS BY MYSELF AND PAY THE RENT ALL ON MY OWN DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE DISPOSABLE INCOME FOR A STORAGE LOCKER…

 **lagayette:** damn u right

 **turtle:** damn

**heavens2betsey** _has sent an image:_ **iwanttodie.jpg**

**angel(ica):** i want a copy of the locket

 **margaritaville:** STOPPPPP

 **angel(ica):** NO

 **angel(ica):** IT’S NOT WEIRD TO LOVE AND CHERISH UR FAMILY IT’S COOL AND EDGY AS SHIT TO BE CARING AND KIND

 **angel(ica):** FUCK ALL OF YALL EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE EVERYONE AND DO NICE THINGS ALL THE TIME

 **theOGgeorge:** I think you’re fundamentally misunderstanding what the term “edgy” means

 **angel(ica):** fuck you

 **theOGgeorge:** No, not right now. My dick is still blue

 **angel(ica):** damn homie go take a shower

 **theOGgeorge:** U right

 **theOGgeorge:** I’m gonna go

 **theOGgeorge:** At least now we know WHY it’s blue though

 **angel(ica):** tru

 **heavens2betsey:** this shouldn’t be a real problem that you’re having but ok

 **dmadisin:** I WANT FOOD CAN WE GO

 **mariacarey:** oui

 **lagayette:** stop that’s my thing

 **mariacarey:** you have a monopoly on the entire french language?

**lagayette:** _oui._

**mariacarey:** WTF HOW DID YOU GET THAT IN ITALICS

**lagayette:** _mes pouvoirs français_

**mariacarey:** i truly and actually want to die

 **h0rsefucker:** me too

 **h0rsefucker:** is hamilton dead

 **heavens2betsey:** he might as well be

 **turtle:** i nudged him awake to poke some aspirin between his lips and he swallowed it and immediately passed out again...i think his body is trying to defend him from what’s to come

 **jmadisin:** can we start without u

 **turtle:** only if u make us a tupperware of stuff in case u finish before he wakes up

 **jmadisin:** DEAL

 **turtle:** go for it!!

 **callmemacaroni:** ok and remember

 **callmemacaroni:** nobody needs to know about the...incident…

 **heavens2betsey:** what incident

 **turtle:** eliza im gonna shower ok

 **heavens2betsey:** SORRY HAVE TO GO

 **heavens2betsey:** HAVE FUN AT BREAKFAST GOODBYE

 **mariacarey:** tag urself im eliza throwing my phone across the room and usain bolting into the other room for an opportunity to see my partner naked

 **dmadisin:** im the phone

 **h0rsefucker:** im the shower

 **turtle:** im the partner

 **heavens2betsey:** IM GONE

 **callemacaroni:** ok me…iconic

 **dmadisin:** OK EVERYONE REGROUP AT THE TEMPLE OF SIN IN HALF AN HOUR

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**whambamthankuham:** are u fucking with me

 **whambamthankuham:** you ALL had breakfast without me!?

 **whambamthankuham:** also oh my GOD...TAG URSELF IM GEORGE’S DICK PIC

 **theOGgeorge:** ;)

 **whambamthankuham:** anyway… can we have a group call instead… my eyes hurt from looking at my phone

 **theOGgeorge:** Baby there’s like 15 people in this chat we can _not_ have a group call

 **whambamthankuham:** MY EYES HURT

 **theOGgeorge:** Go take a shower and get some aspirin

 **whambamthankuham:** i WOULD but no one is here to TAKE CARE OF ME if i FALL and DIE...but maybe you’d all PREFER THAT...since NONE of you really care about me…

 **margaritaville:** im not even in the city rn how do you think i feel

 **whambamthankuham:** shut up peggy no one cares

 **margaritaville:** ok...fuck you….

 **theOGgeorge:** We are still at the Temple of Sin if you’re interested

 **whambamthankuham:** no my feelings are hurt im going to go out to breakfast BY MYSELF

 **heavens2betsey:** with what money

 **whambamthankuham:** damn...u rite…

 **whambamthankuham:** im going to eat half a grapefruit and a boiled egg in my kitchen over the sink bitterly BY MYSELF

 **heavens2betsey:** sounds about right

 **heavens2betsey:** we’re bringing pancakes back can u chill

 **whambamthankuham:** no… i do, however, promise to refuse them the first three times you offer them to me, turn my nose up at your apology, and then cram them in my mouth once you leave the room...afterwards i’ll probably ask if you want to have sex and you’ll probably say yes and that’s how this argument will be settled

 **turtle:** DAMN...HE RITE…

 **whambamthankuham:** anyway...what’s new with y’all...anything cool happen while i was asleep?

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** gmorning, i too am awake

 **whambamthankuham:** well if it isn’t aaron burr, sir.

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** alexander!

 **whambamthankuham:** how’d u sleep

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** peacefully next to my beautiful wife and child, secure in the knowledge that i have a 401k steadily growing and sound investments. wbu how was the repose of the lower middle class?

 **whambamthankuham:** twas restless, and plagued by subconscious contemplation of my student debt and lack of upward mobility, thanks for asking.

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** can you expect anything else?

 **whambamthankuham:** i seldom do, sir

 **margaritaville:** y’all gotta explain to me why hamilton apparently wants his ass rawed by burr...what’s with the sir shit

 **lagayette:** peggy my love just because you hate authority on a subconscious level because of how you were forced into introversion during your childhood does not mean there’s anything wrong with respecting people enough to call them sir...it doesn’t have anything to do with sex

 **margaritaville:** first of all, i don’t appreciate the callout, SIR

 **margaritaville:** second of all, just because YOU have a daddy kink doesn’t mean it’s a normal thing to call your friends sir

**h0rsefucker** _has sent an image:_ **manclutchinghandtoheart.jpeg**

**margaritaville:** third of all, why are we assuming hamilton, who has a copyright on the phrase “power bottom” and daddy issues worse than a teenager on tumblr who only owns pastel hats, ever calls anyone “sir” innocuously

 **whambamthankuham:** that’s true!

 **callmemacaroni:** he does...we had a legal battle over the copyright but he won… i think it’s because he fucked the judge

 **whambamthankuham:** and half the jury

 **callmemacaroni:** oh shut up you bisexual bastard

 **whambamthankuham:** make me

 **mariacarey:** he already did last night

 **whambamthankuham:** what lmao

 **callmemacaroni:** how far up did you scroll

 **whambamthankuham:** to george’s dick pic and then i got tired

 **callmemacaroni:** yeah well then nothing new happened and maria is being stupid

 **whambamthankuham:** lmao ok

 **mariacarey:** NO U GUYS HE NEEDS TO KNOW

 **turtle:** et tu, brute? you were literally 100% behind secrecy like 4 hours ago

 **whambamthankuham:** wtf...what the hell are y’all talking about

 **mariacarey:** WE HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

 **jmadisin:** DOLLEY LOCK UP YOUR WOMAN PLEASE? COLLECT HER!!!

 **mariacarey:** I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **callmemacaroni:** UH I THINK THE FUCK YOU WILL YOU TRICK ASS BITCH

 **dmadisin:**...uh...for those of you watching at home, jefferson put maria’s phone in his pants

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** he what now

 **angel(ica):** SHE IS NOW NERVOUSLY HOPPING FROM FOOT TO FOOT, UNABLE TO DECIDE IF SHE SHOULD GRAB IT

 **jmadisin:** HOLY SHIT YLALL WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD CARD MOVE

 **callmemacaroni:** hamilTON YOU MAKDE OUT WITH MJERFERSON LAST NIGHTH AND NO ONE WILL TELL YOU BTU I  HAD TO

 **angel(ica):** FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL AT HOME, MARIA SNATCHED THOMAS’S PHONE OFF THE TABLE WHILE HE WASN’T LOOKING AND IS RUNNING FROM HIM WHILE TYPING MADLY

**callmemacaroni** _has sent an image:_ **filesandinformation.jpeg**

**whambamthankuham:** what the...what the hell?

 **whambamthankuham:** kwkkkd.fsds..dddddddd

 **heavens2betsey:** mrkrabs-screaming.mp3

 **heavens2betsey:** MARIA WHY WYOULD YOU SEND THAT

 **dmadisin:** chaotic good

 **heavens2betsey:** nNOI NO NO HE’S HOME ALONE AND PRONE TO FAINTING IN SHOCK

 **turtle:** OH GOD

 **turtle:** THIS UBER CAN’T GO ANY FASTER APPARENTLY

 **heavens2betsey:** i just had to buckle john back into his seat bc he’s freaking out

 **heavens2betsey:** GODDAMMIT MARIA

 **h0rsefucker:** mmm ok so for those of you watching at home maria has used a breakfast stool to jump on top of the bookshelves and is laying flat on her face still typing

 **callmemacaroni:** ILIST EN UP ALEX IVE ANALZYED THE SUBSETS OF PIXELS ON THIS PHOTO AND CONFIRMED THAT IT HAS //NOT// BEEN PHOTO SHOPPED THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE OPEN YOU R E YE LKCM,SD.CMAMD.,SCJ

 **h0rsefucker:** ok jefferson grabbed her ankle and is dragging her off

 **theOGgeorge:** She’s throwing the phone to Dolley

 **theOGgeorge:** Aaand Jefferson is pivoting to Dolley

 **theOGgeorge:** HOLY SHIT Y’ALL

 **jmadisin:** OH MY FUCKINGG OD

 **jmadisin:** I CANT BREATHE YALL LISTEN TO THIS

 **lagayette:** im giggling...you guys i

 **jmadisin:** NOT NOW LAFAYETTE

 **lagayette:** but i!!!

 **jmadisin:** DOLLEY JUST PANICKED AND HURLED THOMAS’S PHONE OUT THE OPEN WINDOW

 **jmadisin:** DOLLEY AND THOMAS ARE NOW STANDING STOCK STILL STARING AT EACH OTHER COMPLETELY SHOCKED

 **lagayette:** you GUYS

 **jmadisin:** LAFAYETTE BE QUIET THIS IS IMPORTANT

 **lagayette:** BUT THAT’S ME IN THE PHOTO IT’S NOT JEFFERSON

 **turtle:**...holy shit

 **h0rsefucker:** this is embarrassing for me because we’re engaged and i didn’t know it was you

 **lagayette:** smfh...y’all really think all black people look the same, huh?

 **h0rsefucker:** I’M FROM NIGERIA LAFAYETTE

 **lagayette:** smh… you fake as hell

 **lagayette:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD

 **lagayette:** NO BUT THAT’S ME THERE WAS LITERALLY NO NEED FOR HER TO THROW THE PHONE

 **turtle:** IM SCREEEMAIGININNNI

 **turtle:** IM SO SORRRY I ACCUESED YOU JEFFERSON (even though you can’t read this because you don’t have a phone LMFAO)

 **turtle:** no im not actually you’re an ass

 **turtle:** IM LAUGHING SO HAR  D THOUGH

 **jmadisin:** IMMCIMSIDINN WE ALL JUMPED ON HIM SO QUICK IM CACKLING

 **turtle:** IKKSMCK

 **turtle:** IM ROLLINNIGNGIG

 **h0rsefucker:** i like how you were furious that your boyfriend kissed jefferson but as soon as it’s laf it’s fine

 **turtle:** WELL I MEAN HE WAS PRETTY DRUNK SO IT’S REALLY OK

 **turtle:** HE’S SO SMALL ALCOHOL HITS HIM SO HARD

 **lagayette:** this is so funny… i can’t believe...y’all really ain’t know me at all…

 **jmadisin:** to be fair i think we were all justifiably caught up in the sensationalism of two diametrically opposed foes making out

 **lagayette:** yeah i bet all your porn searches are for “odd couple enemies on college lacrosse team find unlikely way to get along”

 **jmadisin:** well first of all i don’t watch any type of porn A) BECAUSE I’M ASEXUAL although that doesn’t have a tremendous amount to do with it because you can be ace and not be sex repulsed and to claim otherwise is problematic but anyway B) because it mostly caters to straight men and fosters an extremely unhealthy view of sexuality, particularly the sexuality of queer women…many women, cis or not, are already under a tremendous amount of scrutiny for their sexual preferences and how they act on those preferences, and i don’t believe contributing to that kind of unsafe atmosphere and helping to proliferate those attitudes in the public at large with my clicks/hits is either ethical or wise! but anyway

 **lagayette:** damn… i tried and i failed

 **h0rsefucker:** he came for you my man

 **lagayette:** okay idk how you wanna say he came for ME when YOU can’t recognize the person you’re going to MARRY…

 **h0rsefucker:** i wear glasses

 **lagayette:** NO YOU FUCKING DON’T??

 **h0rsefucker:** i can’t read this i don’t speak english

 **lagayette:** //I// CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH

 **h0rsefucker:** God

 **h0rsefucker:** stop getting mad i love you just don’t light my shit on fire again

 **lagayette:** >:-)

 **h0rsefucker:** boi if you don’t….

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** THIS IS THE BIGGEST TRAINWRECK… I….

 **lagayette:** it was my natural instinct to retort with “what, are we talking about your marriage?” but your marriage is untouchable...theo aint never did anyone wrong

 **h0rsefucker:** except her ex husband that she cheated on?

 **yrobdntsrvnt:** I

**yrobdntsrvnt** _has left the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**theOGgeorge:** Did you really have to go for her like that

 **lagayette:** IM SHOVING MY WHOLE FIST IN MY MOUTH

 **heavens2betsey:** y’all did my girl dirty…

 **heavens2betsey:** we are home and alexander did in fact faint but he’s fine now we got him some ice for his leg cause he landed weird

 **heavens2betsey:** he is incredibly relieved that it was laf

 **heavens2betsey:** i am as well… if ONE MORE PERSON gets jefferson’d…

 **jmadisin:** GOD i cannot tell you HOW much i hate that we have a term for that

 **heavens2betsey:** anyway i hope everything calms down in the Temple of Sin… bye for now

 **grgwshngturnt:** Every time I come back in here I regret it

 **heavens2betsey:** me too george

 **grgwshngturnt:** Anyway… Me and Martha are gonna be here, NOT doing shitty things to each other… But the gag is, our relationship is still incredibly fulfilling and we have a good time together without drama.

 **lagayette:** HE’S USIGN MEMES HES GROWING THE POWER IS TOO MUCH SOMEONE MUST STOP HIM

-o-

_You have entered the group:_ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** hey have y’all seen the NYT

 **dmadisin:** no because no one actually reads the newspaper lmao...

 **jmadisin:** i do cause thomas pays for it ok leave me alone but anyway everyone is buzzing about this new book

 **jmadisin:** they’re calling it the new fifty shades of grey it’s on the front page it sounds so wild i think i’m gonna pick up a copy

 **dmadisin:** what’s it called

 **jmadisin:** the amorous intrigues and adventures of erin budd

 **heavens2betsey:** oh fuck.

 **heavens2betsey:** shit.

 **heavens2betsey:** GODDAMMIT I FORGOT THAT WAS DROPPING TODAY

 **heavens2betsey:** THAT’S what i meant to tell you

 **turtle:**??? what the fuck???

 **jmadisin:** what do u know about it??

 **heavens2betsey:** haha uh

 **jmadisin:** im really confused

 **angel(ica):** i am as well

 **heavens2betsey:** well, you see,

 **heavens2betsey:** i wrote that?

 **turtle:** GODDAMMIT ELIZA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO AGAIN I MISSED YOU  
> the squad is too much someone has really got to stop them  
> YEAHHH i know this chapter was all over the fucking place but i promise everything will make sense soon i love you don't abandon me i'll fix it i promise  
> this chap was not read by anyone but me so... go easy on me, maybe. anyway, as i've said, i love you, stick with me because i mostly know where i'm going, and i'll be back soon. hopefully sooner than almost two months soon. i am ever yours on twitter @jamesmadisin and tumblr @irltrash, and i consume your comments for energy so don't forget about those. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH and please throw prompts/concrit/whatever you want at me! until we meet again, my friends. xoxo thanks for reading <3


	20. wait for it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> previously on hamsquad...no clue it's been nearly 8 months or something since the last update so you can go back and read that for yourself maybe? up next, eliza regrets her life choices, burr wants to die very badly, and hamilton is problematic like always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so. been a minute. oof. sorry about that! i've been well, no excuse other than that i've been exhausted and tied up with school. still in school, as a matter of fact. taking an english class this summer, so that's eating my time up. anyway. i'm sorry this is mostly just a filler chapter, it's been nearly a year since i dabbled in this universe and i barely remember the direction i was going in. i wrote this all tonight instead of doing my essay, and no one has proof read it. sorry. anyway, i told you all--no, PROMISED you--that i wasn't going anywhere, and i didn't. haven't been around in a bit, but i'm still here. thank you for understanding, and, of course, thank you for your incredibly sweet and loving comments. you all are amazing. you're a part of my squad forever. meet you at the bottom? just like always. go have fun. love you!

_ You have entered the group:  _ **‘hamsquad’**

**jmadisin:** sorry so can we just...talk about this for one second…….

**heavens2betsey:** i mean yeah, if we...have to

**angel(ica):** uh yeah, we fucking have to, aRE U KIDDING ME??

**heavens2betsey:** listen...this isn’t a big deal don’t like...make it into something

**whambamthankuham:** I GOTTA SAY… I THINK YOU MADE IT INTO SOMETHING BY VIRTUE OF PUBLISHING A FUCKENING BOOK

**whambamthankuham:** LIKE I JUST WANNA THROW THAT OUT THERE, I DON’T THINK /WE’RE/ THE ONES MAKING A BIG DEAL YOU PUBLISHED A BOOK SECRETLY?????

**heavens2betsey:** well it wasn’t a secret otherwise i wouldn’t have been able to publish it

**margaritaville:** counterpoint: just because it wasn’t a secret from like. your publisher. doesn’t mean it isn’t a sin that you didn’t tell us you’re E.L. james now

**heavens2betsey:** COUNTERPOINT IM NOT EL JAMES IT’S NOT EVEN A SEX BOOK THERE’S OTHER SCENES DID ANY OF YOU EVEN READ IT

**turtle:** UH NO WE DIDN’T AND THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS FUCKING ARGUMENT??

**heavens2betsey:** oh. right. forgot about that

**angel(ica):** my head is spinning

**angel(ica):** this is...really hard to process

**jmadisin:** okay...what about this

**jmadisin:** i know im not really directly involved in this but

**heavens2betsey:** NO YOU’RE INVOLVED ALL RIGHT, U EXPOSED ME AND U HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THAT

**jmadisin:** first off i love best selling author elizabeth schuyler who uses you’re and u in the same sentence

**jmadisin:** second off that’s like...very fair, i’ll take that hit

**jmadisin:** third off what if we all held off on grilling eliza till we nab ourselves copies and see what the fuss is about bc i gots to tell ya i am DYING for a hit of that plot

**turtle:** that’s actually not a horrendous idea

**dmadisin:** for fuckin once

**jmadisin:** WE’RE LIKE. WE’RE MARRIED ARE YOU O-FUCKING-KAY DON’T SAY SHIT ABOUT ME IM YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND

**dmadisin:** WE WERE ALL GANGING UP ON YOU AND I WAS INTO IT

**heavens2betsey:** she’s right go off dolley

**whambamthankuham:** UH DON’T THINK WE’RE GETTING FUCKING SIDETRACKED FROM THE FACT THAT YOU WROTE A DAMN BOOK AND DIDN’T SEE FIT TO INFORM US, LET’S NOT MISS THAT MCFUCKING DETAIL

**margaritaville:** yeah can i get uhhhhh mcfucking betrayal

**angel(ica):** with a side of uhhh my sister doesn’t care about her family

**heavens2betsey:** JESUS

**heavens2betsey:** LISTEN….GOD

**heavens2betsey:** this is EXACTLY why i didn't say anything im committing

**heavens2betsey:** i didn't tell you guys about the book because i didn't want your help. i know people are always thinking im the nice one, im the polite and forgiving and patient one and whatthefuckever and all that stuff is true but i’ve never gotten to be. uh. the smart one. i’ve never gotten the kind of respect that a lot of yall get specifically for being smart and independent and whatever. and i don't know, i wanted to do this, i’ve always liked telling stories since peggy was born and i used to make up shit for them and i’ve always wanted to share them with other people and i wanted to do it so i fucking did it and i didn't feel like explaining myself for this specific reason so that's why i didn't say anything, okay? 

**heavens2betsey:** and that's why it's under a pseudonym, because dad’s still big in politics and i didn't want him associated with my fucking sex book i guess and people don't need to know it was me, i did it because i, as eliza, wanted to do it, not because Elizabeth Schuyler™ wanted to do it

**heavens2betsey:** i didn't want anyone getting any incorrect conclusions about how i wrote it, i didn't want anyone thinking i had help, i didn't want anyone thinking i only got it published because im a Schuyler

**heavens2betsey:** i wanted it published because i’m smart and i know how to write and i did it and now that's something i’ll always have for myself, that i’m just as good as anyone else and i can get things done on my own. and that's why i didn't tell you, and i get why you're mad, but i just want you to know that it's not about any of you specifically. it's about me, and about what i can do.

**jmadisin:** hey don't want to derail you or anything here but your book is literally about aaron burr having sex

**angel(ica):** WAIT WHAT OH MYGOD

**heavens2betsey:** I FUCKING MEANT IT WAS ABOUT ME /SYMBOLICALLY/, YOU GOONY LOOKING FREAK

**heavens2betsey:** IT'S NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL, NO

**turtle:** UH JUDGING FROM THE WIKI PAGE NO THE FUCK IT ISN'T LMFAO WHAT THE FUCK

**margaritaville:** i gotta say that i do feel like we're overlooking something important eliza just said but let's just pause for a second so i can scoop a digital copy on amazon and see what's going on here

**whambamthankuham:** eliza im so sorry you ever felt like that but can you please tell me if we see burr’s dick in this book

**heavens2betsey:** u don't SEE it, it's not a pictorial medium

**whambamthankuham:** CUT OR UNCUT

**heavens2betsey:** DON'T BE CRASS

**whambamthankuham:** YOU WROTE A BOOK ABOUT HIM HAVING SEX

**heavens2betsey:** I FUCKING DIDN'T YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY METAPHORICALLY OR LITERALLY

**turtle:** i feel like we need to read this and get the truth

**h0rsefucker:** this is honestly So Much

**lagayette:** burr’s dick?

**h0rsefucker:** UR BEING OBTUSE THAT'S NOTNWHAT I EMNANT

**lagayette:** ;-)

**lagayette:** i think we should all give eliza the respect she deserves and read her pornography book before we judge her

**heavens2betsey:** started off well and took a nosedive at the end there

**lagayette:** we should all read it and regroup once we've gotten as far in as possible?

**dmadisin:** good idea laf

**jmadisin:** YOU FUCKING ASSASSINATED MY CHARACTER WHEN /I/ SUGGESTED THIS BUT NOW IT'S “GOOD IDEA LAF” LIKE NO WE NOT FINNA DO TJAT TONIGHT

**dmadisin:** james u need to relax 

**theOGgeorge:** I just saw this now

**theOGgeorge:** Eliza you’re doing amazing sweetie so proud of your confidence in yourself let me know if you need anything

**theOGgeorge:** Snacks? Drinks? External validation?

**heavens2betsey:** can i get uhhhh an all three please?

**theOGgeorge:** ✓✓✓✓

**margaritaville:** okay im starting reading peace out for a few hours

**heavens2betsey:** listen the most important thing here is that you guys DON'T tell aaron about this.

**margaritaville:** you have my word

**jmadisin:** let’s just assume that you've got everyone's word because otherwise that's gonna get tiresome

**heavens2betsey:** yeah that's fine

-o-

_ 15 Minutes Later _

_ You have entered the group:  _ **‘what the fuck did you do’**

**yrobdntsrvnt:** uh? ex fucking SCUSE me??

**heavens2betsey:** mmmyes?

**yrobdntsrvnt:** is that all you have to say for yourself, elizabeth?

**heavens2betsey:** okay DAMN who snitched??

**deartheo:** uhhhh 

**heavens2betsey:** R U KIDDING ME DAWG

**deartheo:** LISTEN...IT'S NOT MY FAULT

**yrobdntsrvnt:** i’m fucking steamed like a bag of carrots but i do wanna say if it's anyone's fault that i found out it's yours, theodosia

**deartheo:** I'M A FUCKING AVID READER?? IM CHASING FIENE LITERATUREE AND UR TELLING ME IM GONNA BE DRAGGED FOR PICKING UP AN NYT BESTSELLER?

**yrobdntsrvnt:** UH YEAH, A LITTLE

**heavens2betsey:** so you're not mad at ME then

**yrobdntsrvnt:** no i’m not mad

**deartheo:** oh NO HERE IT COMES

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I'M FUCKING FURIOUS, ELIZABETH, BUT I'M NOT MAD, NO

**deartheo** _ sent an image:  _ **markmedownasscaredANDhorny.jpeg**

**yrobdntsrvnt:** DID YOU HONESTLY THINK I WOULD LAY DOWN QUIETLY AND TAKE THIS CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I MEAN I KNOW YOU ALL THINK OF ME AS THIS UNFEELING ASSHOLE BUT THIS IS LOW, ELIZABETH, EVEN FOR YOU

**heavens2betsey:** okay aaron it's not even specifically about you!! they always say write what you know and some characters might be inspired by ppl in my life but it's never been about you! i understand why you're upset but you have nothing to worry about, no one thinks it's you

**whambamthankuham:** this is...hey i get you're mad but uh did u guys uh

**whambamthankuham:** did yall uh? read this

**whambamthankuham:** this is like...weirdly sweet im soft for these characters

**deartheo:** WHAT PAGE IM SCREAMING

**heavens2betsey:** God i forgot how fast you read i think you're… the church scene???

**whambamthankuham:** YEAH

**yrobdntsrvnt:** THEY FUCK IN A CHURCH?!

**heavens2betsey:** NO IT'S FLIRTING WTF

**yrobdntsrvnt:** i…...m…

**turtle:** IWMEIDMDODM THIS IS BURR THIS ID LITERALLY BURR RPF

**turtle:** “He smiled, dimples creasing in the corners of his mouth, lips moving mechanically like curtains to reveal perfect white teeth, operating on autopilot like a robot that fed off of pleasantries. His suit, she noted, was perfectly tailored, and his stubble carefully trimmed, and his laugh a melodious rumble, and his facade was constructed so that he resembled a gentleman of impeccable and sterling character, no matter who he may have been beneath that.”

**theOGgeorge:** DID SHE DRAG HIM BY CALLING HIM HOT AND WELL DRESSED

**angel(ica):** GO AWF WTF

**yrobdntsrvnt:** WHAT THE FUCK I'M NOT A ROBOT

**whambamthankuham:** NO TF YOU'RE NOT CAUSE ROBOTS DON'T GET ERECTIONS

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I GET AN ERECTION IN CHURCH???

**angel(ica):** ims orry ims o sorry it s just rhat the phrasing of thst honestly sounds like a twrrified yahoo answeers question img aspijg

**angel(ical:** “I GET AN ERECTION IN CHURCH?? WHAT TO DO”

**theOGgeorge:** I SHRIEKED

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I’M VERY, /VERY/ UPSET I REALLY THINK I NEED TO READ THIS

**deartheo:** I HAVE MY COPY OUT STILL WE CAN READ IT TOGETHER

**dmadisin:** SORRY I’M GOING TO A BARNES AND NOBLES TO GET A COPY AND I MISSED THIS JOHN YOURE FUCKING SPOILING THE PLOT KEEP THE EXCERPTS TO YOURSELF

**turtle:** damn sorry

**mariacarey:** IM NOT SURE WHY IM IN THIS CHAT AS I DID NOTHING WRONG BUT I DO WANT TO SAY THAT THIS SOUNDS SO UTTERLY ICONIC AND I FRANKLY FUCKING /WISH/ I WAS INVOLVED IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER

**yrobdntsrvnt:** YOU’RE ALL COMPLICIT

**jayz:** how am i complicit i haven’t spoken to any of you in months

**yrobdntsrvnt:** oh, hey john

**jayz:** uh yes?

**yrobdntsrvnt:** yeah i’m sorry i honestly don’t know why you’re in here i think i added you on accident, and i honestly didn’t even know i had your contact. sorry about that

**jayz:** damn it’s fine

**jayz:** i’ll stay if you don’t mind

**jayz:** i am...actually complicit...i review manuscripts for the publishing company that worked with eliza

**yrobdntsvrnt:** ET TU BRUTE?????

**heavens2betsey:** WAIT REALYL WHAT THE UFKC

**jayz:** yeah...so that’s...a thing

**whambamthankuham:** damn never thought you’d make a career out of editing other people’s stuff CONSIDERING YOU ONLY WROTE LIKE 5 OF OUR BLOG POSTS 

**jayz:** are you just mad because i accidentally fell into your dream career

**whambamthankuham:** yeah, a little, thanks for asking

**heavens2betsey:** depressing

**dmadisin:** WE’RE GOING IN TO BUY A COPY

**heavens2betsey:** i can’t believe all the sales of my book are just gonna be yall

**jmadisin:** uh….yeah that doesn’t seem likely but ok

**heavens2betsey:** this is wild

**yrobdntsrvnt:** listen, i’m still fucking FURIOUS, but i AM gonna read this book because i want to see how deeply my character was assassinated

**whambamthankuham:** is character assassination our new thing because i’m into it

**turtle:** it’s not character assassination if it’s true, yall, but i digress

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I’M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS, JOHN LAURENS

**turtle:** i’d like to see you fucking try it

**dmadisin:** KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS

**deartheo:** ^

**yrobdntsrvnt:** the disrespect...is baffling...i’m going now

**heavens2betsey:** :,) sorry

**yrobdntsrvnt:** not accepted and fuck you

-o-

_ 4 Hours Later _

_ You have entered the group:  _ **‘what the fuck did you do’**

**yrobdntsrvnt:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU /DO/

**margaritaville:** ^^ i KNOW??? I’M IN THIS BOOK YOU HEINOUS CRIMINAL

**margaritaville:** MARGARINE SCHINDLER

**margaritaville:** YOU FUCKING CALLED ME MARGARINE SCHINDLER YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE IM GOING TO KILL YHOU

**heavens2betsey:** ruh roh

**h0rsefucker:** pericles mullager

**h0rsefucker:** are you OKAY as a person HOW could you do this to me

**heavens2betsey:** can you guys do me one quick favor

**yrobdntsrvnt:** NEVER

**heavens2betsey:** can you just take a quick peek at the copyright page

**heavens2betsey:** see where it says “all resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental”

**heavens2betsey:** take note of that, thanks

**yrobdntsrvnt:** ELIZABETH……..

**heavens2betsey:** STOPPPP

**yrobdntsrvnt:** THIS IS A DETAILED RECORD OF MY SEX LIFE FROM AGE 19 TO PRESENT AND FRANKLY I SHUDDER AT THE THOUGHT OF HOW YOU GARNERED EVEN AN OUNCE OF THIS MATERIAL ELIZABETH

**heavens2betsey:** IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

**yrobdntsrvnt:** okay you know what fine, let’s just ASSUME that’s true

**yrobdntsrvnt:** i will admit that while the names and events are similar the characterization is very different from who i am

**dmadisin:** UH I HATE TO BUST IN HERE BUT HAVE YOUREAD THIS SHIT

**whambamthankuham:** WHICH APRT

**dmadisin:** THEODEARSIA

**deartheo:** I KNOW I SHRIEKED MY THROAT RAW

**deartheo:** I’M FRANKLY NOT EVEN MAD DOYOU KNOKW WHAT A BADASS THIS BOOK MAKES ME SEEM LIKE

**deartheo:** MEN ON THE STREET ARE GONNA FALL AT MY FEET

**deartheo:** IT’S ICONIC

**deartheo:** I FUCKING ONLY EVER WEAR RED VELVET IN THIS IT’S SO ICONICCCC YOU DON’T UNDEDRSTAND 

**h0rsefucker:** okay...true...the costume description in it turned me on 

**h0rsefucker:** the attention to detail is...incredible

**heavens2betsey:** you nasty as hell 

**lagayette:** don’t i know it

**h0rsefucker:** AY LMAO

**yrobdntsrvnt:** this is, objectively, a very strange thing for you to have done

**heavens2betsey:** can i say several quick things

**yrobdntsrvnt:** you may NOT

**heavens2betsey:** no please it's important

**yrobdntsrvnt:** DON'T YOU THINK YOU SAID ENOUGH IN THE 357 PAGES OF YOUR BOOK, ELIZABETH

**heavens2betsey:** im just gonna

-o-

_ You have entered the group:  _ **‘is it 2 l8 now 2 say srry”**

**heavens2betsey:** now hear me out on this

**heavens2betsey:** it’s just you, me, and theo

**yrobdntsrvnt:** WHY SO YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF KE BEING BALD AGAIN/?/M??/

**yrobdntsrvnt:** IT'S A CHOIXE NKT GENTETICS FUCK YKGUH

**heavens2betsey:** I WROTE SEVERAL FAVORABLE DESCRIPTIONS OF YOU IN THERE DON'T BE FAKE

**deartheo:** say your piece liza

**deartheo:** i admit this was a weird move but i like your worldbuilding and prose

**heavens2betsey:** thank you

**heavens2betsey:** theo…….do you remember………um

**heavens2betsey:** that one time when you me and aaron got really high and watched Phineas and Ferb for two hours

**deartheo:** could never forget that, continue

**heavens2betsey:** well uhhhh

**heavens2betsey:** after aaron fell asleep you? were telling me about your plans to get married and stuff and uhh...you told me this really long story about how he’d like...shown you this diary of all his sexual exploits

**deartheo:** GOD

**deartheo:** I FORGOT

**deartheo:** IM CHOKING ON A YELL

**deartheo:** I DID DO THAT DIDN’T I

**yrobdntsrvnt:** WAIT WHAT THE FUCK

**heavens2betsey:** well………...you kind of got in on it too though is the thing

**heavens2betsey:** you woke up halfway through the story and got mad at theo but then you started telling me this INSANE story about how you fucked two girls at once in the same park

**yrobdntsrvnt:** oh my God………..oh my God

**heavens2betsey:** and i said “that would make a BONKERS book or movie” and you said, and i quote, “you should write it” and then we all laughed

**yrobdntsrvnt:** the thing i hate most about this is that...you’re...correct

**heavens2betsey:** and i know it was really weird of me to take this thing we talked about like 4 years ago and turn it into a...like...book? but...it really spiraled out of control and we’re here now……….but it’s really not about you, it’s more of inspired by you with some side characters inspired by people we know, but

**heavens2betsey:** you know! you /know/ it’s not all about you, you read it and it’s really not

**heavens2betsey:** and before you get even madder (as you have a right to be) i just want you to know that i did do something not terrible

**heavens2betsey:** i set up a fund so that 15% of the sales of the book will be deposited in a savings account for baby theodosia to use when she goes to college

**yrobdntsrvnt:** oh my God

**yrobdntsrvnt:** eliza that’s...that’s a lot

**yrobdntsrvnt:** this was a really weird and sort of shitty thing of you to do but that’s...that’s more than generous, 15% of it is really going to be a lot if it keeps selling the way it does

**heavens2betsey:** i know

**heavens2betsey:** i hope it is a lot. if her parents are any indication, she’s going to grow up to be a very smart young lady and i hope she never feels limited because of funds

**deartheo:** that’s

**deartheo:** im sniffling

**deartheo:** all drags of eliza permanently uncancelled

**deartheo:** you can stay

**heavens2betsey:** i AM really sorry, i never thought it’d turn into a Thing and it got wildly out of control but...yknow...baby theo’s gonna get something out of it at the very least, you know?

**yrobdntsrvnt:** i want to make it clear that this is still weird, but...this is...thank you. thank you very much.

**heavens2betsey:** it’s really the least i could do.

-o-

_ You have entered the group:  _ **‘what the fuck did you do’**

**angel(ica):** OH MY GOD...MARGARINE SCHINDLER

**angel(ica):** THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY YOU’RE AWARE OF THAT RIGHT

**heavens2betsey:** :,)

**margaritaville:** THE DISRESPECT….THE MCFUCKING DISRESPECT

**h0rsefucker:** at least your name isn’t PERICLES

**margaritaville:** it’s fucking margarine though how is that better in any way

**margaritaville:** THE ONLY REASON IM ALLOWING THIS TO SLIDE IS BECAUSE MY CHARACTER IS SORT OF FUNNY

**heavens2betsey:** you’re welcome

**whambamthankuham:** TO BE FAIR MARGARINE IS A FARCICAL ONE WOMAN GREEK CHORUS LET’S NOT GET TOO CRAZY WITH THE GRATITUDE

**margaritaville:** YEAH SHE’S A FUCKING FLAT ASS CHARACTER

**margaritaville:** flat as in not dynamic, that was not an aspersion on margarine’s or my ass

**margaritaville:** she might not be very well developed with regard to the plot but yall know baby got back no matter what universe im in

**heavens2betsey:** OK SHHHH

**heavens2betsey:** i can’t wait to read four hundred reviews about how im not a feminist because i made a joke character called margarine though

**lagayette:** AM I NOT IN THIS AT ALL YOUVE BEEN BLOCKED ELIZABETH

**heavens2betsey:** STOP CALLLING MY ELIZAEBBTGH

**lagayette:** IT’S YOUR FUCK UP NAME NOW BE FUCKING QUIET AM I IN THIS OR NOT

**heavens2betsey:** IT’S NOT RPF ABOUT THE HAMSQUAD IT’S ITS OWN BOOK YOU BUFFOON

**whambamthankuham:** I FORGOT WE’RE THE HAMSQUAD THAT’S SO FUNNY

**h0rsefucker:** PERICLES

**angel(ica):** GET OVER YOURSELF PERICLES IM NOT EVEN IN THERE YET

**heavens2betsey:** listen im only gonna say this once

**heavens2betsey:** just because you’re not mentioned by name doesn’t mean you aren’t in it

**heavens2betsey:** BUT the whole thing isn’t packed with references to yall im a WRITER i do actually know how to make original characters you fools

**whambamthankuham:** pericles

**heavens2betsey:** NOT YOU TOO

**dmadisin:** JUST GOT TO THE FIRST SEX SCENE IM TWERKING

**jmadisin:** you read so slow

**mariacarey:** and you’re a furry so what exactly is your point, james

**jmadisin:** WHAT IS THIS HATE

**mariacarey:** that is my girlfriend you’re dragging there watch your step

**jmadisin:** WE’RE LEGALLY MARRIED MARIA I'M NOT BEING MALICIOUS JUST BEING HONEST

**mariacarey:** LEGALLY YOU’RE HER HUSBAND BUT EMOTIONALLY? IM HER WIFE

**margaritaville:** GO AWFF I SCREAMED

**jmadisin:** SHE READS SLOW THAT WAS MY ONLY COMMENT

**mariacarey:** EVEN IF SHE DOES I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE POLITELY POINTING OUT HER FEW FLAWS NOW SHHH

**jmadisin:** WE GET IT YOU’RE GAY NOW ADMIT SHE READS SLOW

**dmadisin:** IM RIGHT HERE JAMES SHUT YOUR FUCK

**dmadisin:** I DON’T READ SLOW THERE’S SUCH A THING AS SAVORING YOUR LITERARY MEALS YOU FUCKING UNCULTURED MUPPET

**jmadisin:** CHOKE

**dmadisin:** NOT UNTIL YOU DO

**mariacarey:** GO OFFFF IM IN THE BACK SCREAMING

**yrobdntsrvnt:** can we discuss the ending to this though…

**heavens2betsey:** IM ON TENTERHOOKS DID YOU LIKE IT…..

**yrobdntsrvnt:** well…………….

**heavens2betsey:** IM PISSING MYSELF DID YOU LIKE IT OR NOT IM TERRIFIED

**yrobdntsrvnt:** okay...yeah...i really did

**yrobdntsrvnt:** you’re RIGHT about theo being the driving force behind all of my good decisions even if that does sometimes read a little like undue emotional labor it’s more of a two way codependency and you really carried it off well and the last sentence was really intensely poignant?? 

**whambamthankuham:** OKAY...I KNOW… THE LAST SENTENCE WAS AS CLOSE TO A PERFECT ENDING AS I’D EVER SEEN IT FELT LIKE THE LAST NOTE IN A FLAWLESS SYMPHONY

**heavens2betsey:** emo.jpeg

**grgwshngturnt:** Uh.

**grgwshngturnt:** Can we...discuss...the matter...of...Jorge Scrubbington…

**heavens2betsey:** we can if we have to

**grgwshngturnt:** I think we have to…

**grgwshngturnt:** Jorge...George...Scrubbington...Washington…

**mrthwshngturnt:** I’M SCREAMING IN THE CLUB RN

**mrthwshngturnt:** I, PERSONALLY, LIKED HIS WIFE, MARTA CUSTARD SCRUBBINGTON

**heavens2betsey:** IM SNIFFLING

**heavens2betsey:** ALL RESEMBLANCE WAS ACCIDENTALLLLL

**lagayette:** THESE ARE HANDS DOWN THE MOST RIDICULOUS NAMES THOUGH

**h0rsefucker:** a bit ham fisted imo

**angel(ica):** don’t be bitter, pericles

**lagayette:** ^

**h0rsefucker:** MY NAME’S. FUCKING. HERCULES.

**lagayette:** is it though, pericles

**h0rsefucker:** YES THE FUCK IT IS AND I’D THINK YOU’D KNOW IT BETTER BY NOW SINCE YOU SCREAM IT IN BED EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT YOU FILTHY FRENCH FUCK

**angel(ica):** I DROPPED MY PHONE

**lagayette:** DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO COME FOR ME LIKE THAT I DIDN’T DO FUCKING /ANYTHING/ TO YOU???

**h0rsefucker:** YES THE FUCK YOU DID NOW SHIT YOUR FUCK UP

**yrobdntsrvnt:** shit your fuck

**yrobdntsrvnt:** that’s what we’re going with now?

**h0rsefucker:** up your shut the 

**h0rsefucker:** is that fucking better

**theOGgeorge:** I gotta say

**theOGgeorge:** I use proper punctuation, capitals, etc, as a character choice, but like……. seeing Pericles type like that is really making me reconsider the way I think about the dialect of English exclusive to the web… That’s so fucking incoherent and yet it simultaneously is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life AND it’s perfectly understandable like…….. I’m both terrified and endlessly excited to see where we go in the future

**h0rsefucker:** PERCIELS

**h0rsefucker:** SHIT YOUR UP

**theOGgeorge:** Okay sorry

**h0rsefucker:** THANK you

**lagayette:** im killing myself

**h0rsefucker:** finally

**lagayette:** CAN YOU...BE QUIET...JUST ASKING

**heavens2betsey:** are you guys okay like genuinely curious

**lagayette:** when has this chat ever been anything other than the delirious ravings of men half dead elizabeth

**lagayette:** when have we EVER been okay elizabeth

**heavens2betsey:** IM GONNA TAKE A SWING AT YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP CALLING ME ELIZABETH

**angel(ica):** elizabeth be reasonable about this

**heavens2betsey:** MY NAME IS ELIZA U GUYS ARE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IM A FUCK UP BC UR USING MY FUCK UP NAME

**angel(ica):** to be fair you litterally made the fuck up of the century sweetie

**heavens2betsey:** i sent a fucking paragraph explaining my life choices to you and you IGNORED IT but go off i guess

**angel(ica):** IM KILLNG MYSELF I FORGOT

**margaritaville:** we did kinda breeze over that real fast

**turtle:** seems like it’s….private and we shouldn’t talk about it in this chat that aaron made to rage jack off to a book about him

**yrobdntsrvnt:** YOU’VE BEEN DEAD SILENT FOR HOURS AND /THIS/ IS WHAT YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME BACK WITH, LAURENS

**turtle:** JUST SAYING

**yrobdntsrvnt:** GO “JUST SAY” IT SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU FUCKING TOAD

**turtle:** DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT

**yrobdntsrvnt:** as if you’re worth my time

**margaritaville:** IS IT JUST ME OR DID THIS CHAT BECOME REALLY VITRIOLIC SUDDENLY

**margaritaville:** LIKE DON’T YOU GUYS MISS THE OLD DAYS WHEN WE TALKED NON STOP AND ALEX WAS ALWAYS EMO BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SUCK GEORGE’S DICK

**whambamthankuham:** 1\. i do miss sucking george’s dick 2. we talk daily we’ve been talking in this chat for hours we see each other nearly constantly

**margaritaville:** God okay you’re right it just feels like we haven’t REALLY talked since like...october 2016 do you know what i mean

**whambamthankuham:** like...no? we were just getting drunk together like yesterday

**margaritaville:** i guess so...time flies when you’re having fun

**theOGgeorge:** And sex

**margaritaville:** thank you for that helpful commentary, george

**theOGgeorge:** I live to serve, dearest

**angel(ica):** do you, george

**angel(ica):** do you

**theOGgeorge:** Well, no

**theOGgeorge:** Historically, it’s been the exact opposite, but there’s always a first time for everything, isn’t that what they say?

**whambamthankuham:** okay but now that i think about it….when did i stop talking about sucking george’s dick

**turtle:** when we begged u to stop bc even those of us who regularly have sex with you were getting emotionally scarred

**heavens2betsey:** ...yah

**whambamthankuham:** oh...damn...right

**whambamthankuham:** george text me

**angel(ica):** CAN I JUST SAY THAT IT’S STILL BAD BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT UR GONNA TEXT ABOUT

**dmadisin:** BIIIIIIIIIIIINCH THEY JUST FUCKED IN A PARK

**heavens2betsey:** dolley i honestly enjoy you so much as a person

**dmadisin:** THEY FUCKED IN A PAAAAAAAARK IM UPSIDE DOWN TWERKING ON A WALL THIS SHIT BUCKWILD AS HELL

**mariacarey:** SHE’S NOT DOING THAT SHE’S LAYING DOWN ON SIPPING WATER THROUGH A STRAW AND FLIPPING PAGES FRANTICALLY

**jmadisin:** im not there but confirmed

**heavens2betsey:** wait where is th*mas 

**heavens2betsey:** sorry afraid to say the devil’s full name in case it summons him w/ completely unwanted commentary on my work

**jmadisin:** DOLLEY FUCKING HURLED HIS PHONE OUT A WINDOW REMEMBER

**heavens2betsey:** oh riiiiiiiiiiiiight cool cool cool

**heavens2betsey:** im safe

**whambamthankuham:** i gots to say……….hearing you shit talk satan is lowkey very hot what the fuck is UPPPPPP

**theOGgeorge:** Weren’t y’all just whining about putting sex stuff in the chat

**h0rsefucker:** NO TEA NO SHADE NO PINK LEMONADE IM ALL FOR SEX STUFF BUT UH DIDN’T YOU SEND A DICK PIC IN HERE ONCE OR?

**theOGgeorge:** ……...I’M CALLED OUT

**theOGgeorge:** IT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY

**lagayette:** didn’t you…….uh...how you say...give it good to a slurpee….how’s that an emergency again?

**lagayette:** seems like more of a personal problem tbqh?

**theOGgeorge:** I BELIEVE IT WAS AN ICEE, SO

**lagayette:** HOW IS THAT...BETTER….

**theOGgeorge:** For one, the syrup to ice ratio is different and so’s the name

**theOGgeorge:** For two, haven’t you literally live texted a blowjob in this chat before

**lagayette:** NOT IN THIS PARTICULAR CHAT, NO

**theOGgeorge:** Your Honor, the point still stands

**yrobdntsrvnt:** can you guys go back to your regular chat now then because i don’t know if i can take more of this

**deartheo:** yeah im literally feeding my infant daughter and getting your notifs about sucking dick is really disorienting

**margaritaville:** theo ur really gonna come in here talking about how it’s disorienting when u messaging us with ur titty out

**deartheo:** NUDITY IS NATURAL NOW SHIT YOUR FUCK UP, THANKS

**margaritaville:** fine you’re right but aaron literally asked for this

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I DIDN’T, ACTUALLY...I LITERALLY MADE THIS CHAT WITH THE INTENT OF CHASTISING /ELIZABETH/ PUBLICLY AND IT SOMEHOW (UNFUCKINGSURPRISINGLY) GOT DERAILED

**heavens2betsey:** im dragg’t

**angel(ica):** listen WE BEEN KNEW eliza is trash do we have to go over this again

**angel(ica):** i wanna go back to the other chat

**heavens2betsey:** UH WE DID NOT BEEN KNOW ANYTHING??? can you TAKE THAT BACK

**angel(ica):** elizabeth burr is watching just play along also i don’t think that’s how you use been knew

**heavens2betsey:** you can use it however you want

**angel(ica):** no like yeah you CAN do anything, you CAN try anal play with tile caulk for lube but you SHOULDN’T, just like you shouldn’t misuse been knew

**yrobdntsrvnt:** I CAN LITERALLY...FUCKING...READ THIS...ARE YOU OKAY…

**angel(ica):** NO I’M NOT I’M LITERALLY LOSING MY WHOLE GODDAMN MIND BECAUSE MY SWEET BABY SISTER WHOMST I LOVE HAS BEEN LIVING WITH A MASSIVE INFERIORITY COMPLEX BECAUSE SHE FEELS SHE’S BEEN LIVING IN MY SHADOW AND I NEVER MEANT TO DO THAT TO HER OR TO TREAT HER LIKE SHE’S ANYTHING LESS THAN THE COMPETENT, ELOQUENT, BRUTALLY INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN I KNOW SHE IS?? I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY AARON

**yrobdntsrvnt:** FRANKLY? NO, BC MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE GONNA READ RPF ABOUT ME FUCKING LIKE SIXTY WOMEN AND THEN GETTING SEVERELY OWNED BY A THEODOSIA CLONE

**mariacarey:** isn’t that everyone’s fucking fantasy

**deartheo:** GO OFF IM CACKLING

**dmadisin:** maria that’s so gay

**mariacarey:** im a lesbian and you’re my girlfriend

**dmadisin:** it was gay though

**deartheo:** IM OKAY WITH IT EPRSONALLY

**heavens2betsey:** thank you for supporting me

**deartheo:** it was more about the abstract concept of it

**whambamthankuham:** kk well me and george have been sexting for the last 10 minutes and nothing is happening in this chat so like...if it’s cool i think i’m gonna go have sex

**turtle:** LITERALLY WHAT

**lagayette:** WHY ARE YOU ASKING OUR PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX

**theOGgeorge:** WHY ARE YOU SAYING WE’RE GONNA HAVE SEX TO SEVENTEEN PEOPLE

**whambamthankuham:** do you not want to have sex because i said it to everyone we know

**theOGgeorge:** Well, I mean, like, no, I still want to

**theOGgeorge:** I just feel like it’s weird

**jmadisin:** THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS

**mariacarey:** george ur doing amazing sweetie

**dmadisin:** why is your definition of doing amazing sweetie related to having sex with hamilton because that’s nothing to be proud of

**turtle:** uh frankly? don’t knock it till u try it xoxo

**lagayette:** true

**heavens2betsey:** correct

**mariacarey:** honestly...yeah

**dmadisin:** WHY ARE YOU SAYING HONESTLY YEAH

**mariacarey:** we’ve already dropped one bombshell 2day might as well drop another one

**whambamthankuham:** MARIA IS THI S REALLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

**mariacarey:** yeah it’s fine

**jayz:** im still here just so you guys know

**mariacarey:** what’s your point other john do you need something or are you just being irrelevant

**jayz:** I DON’T EVEN KNWO YOU

**mariacarey:** RIGHT but im in thE MIDDLE OF A MCFUCKING STORY, DO YOU MIND SWEETIE

**jayz:** damn...aight...fine

**mariacarey:** hamilton made me realize im not straight

**turtle:** im SCREAMING

**heavens2betsey:** IS THIS A DRAG

**mariacarey:** no...me and hamilton literally knew each other in freshman yr of college and i wanted to see how i felt about sex with a man and it turns out i don’t feel good about it and im gay

**mariacarey:** i mean i always have been gay, i just thought i might’ve been bi? but i wasn’t

**whambamthankuham:** DRAG ME FJSKFJKFDK

**theOGgeorge:** WAIT ARE YOU SAYING IT WAS SO BAD YOU KNEW INSTINCTIVELY YOU WERE GAY BECAUSE WE’VE HAD WILDLY DIFFERENT SEX EXPERIENCES WITH HAMILTON

**mariacarey:** no it was okay he got me off like 3 times i’m just gay

**whambamthankuham:** thank you for clarifying that im not bad at sex

**mariacarey:** well the jury’s still out on that one but you’re welcome

**turtle:** he is bad at sex

**whambamthankuham:** YYOU JUST SAID I WASNT

**turtle:** i know but you being cocky about it is a turn off

**whambamthankuham:** have you MET me

**turtle:** ur right what am i saying

**dmadisin:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS HAS NEVER COME UP

**margaritaville:** i can’t believe hamilton’s lips have touched maria’s mouth meaning his mouth is on my mouth by extension...disgusting

**lagayette:** YOURE BI

**margaritaville:** NO I KNOW IT’S JUST THAT IT’S /HAMILTON/

**lagayette:** ohhh okay that makes sense

**dmadisin:** wait sorry laf were we scooting over the fact that YOU’VE fucked hamilton

**whambamthankuham:** this is so wild

**lagayette:** we haven’t FUCKED, no

**lagayette:** have we??

**whambamthankuham:** WOULDN’T YOU REMEMBER

**lagayette:** WELL I THINK SO BUT I’VE BEEN HIGH AND JACKED YOU OFF A FEW TIMES AND HAVE VERY HAZY MEMORIES OF THAT SO

**h0rsefucker:** im grimacing

**whambamthankuham:** YOU BEST NOT BE

**whambamthankuham:** listen i don’t even want to GET INTO how many people in this chat i’ve done sex stuff with but it’s like… a lot...so if you’re one of those people you should consider just being quiet so you don’t expose yourself

**theOGgeorge:** Is it like...It’s just like Dolley and James right… I think we talked about this before

**margaritaville:** I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT HAM HAS EVER BEEN WITHIN A 20 MILE RADIUS OF ME LET ALONE FUCKED ME

**whambamthankuham:** I WOULD DIE BEFORE I TOUCHED YOU 

**jmadisin:** I Remain Pure,

**margaritaville:** WELL NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU JAMES

**mariacarey:** WE TALKED ABOUT THIS ONCE ALREADY BEFORE IM POSITIVE AND THEN I DRAGGED YOU FOR BEING A GODDAMN FURRY SO ARE WE GOING HERE AGAIN OR ARE YOU GONNA CHILL THE FUCK OUT??

**jmadisin:** damn………..aight

**jayz:** off topic but i’ve had a taste of that ham as well

**heavens2betsey:** I CHOKED

**jayz:** i did too

**whambamthankuham:** AAAAASSDOIJFADSKLCLCNALKSDMC,MSDMCLKSMDC.,MX,MC,.MXXIJIWOJDFEOIWJENGOINANDCSLKMX.,ZMDPOJPH0E8YH80WEFOAND FCKJS BDCUJHD]

**jayz:** DID YOU FORGET

**whambamthankuham:** UH YEAH A LITTLE IM SHREIKGING

**turtle:** IM SNIFFLING

**turtle:** this has been a VERY illuminating afternoon for us all do you think we should all just die now

**heavens2betsey:** definitely

**whambamthankuham:** yeah i think so, me and george are still gonna have sex but i think we should all either die or sign off? sound good?

**deartheo:** best idea you’ve had ever

**yrobdntsrvnt:** agreed

**lagayette:** ok peace

**h0rsefucker:** im still mad about pericles

**heavens2betsey:** OKAY EVERYONE GO RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR HE’LL NEVER SHUT UP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you had a good time here with me, you'll have to hang on while i readjust!! i make no promises about the date of the next update, as you all know by now i really can't be trusted to hold to a schedule. sorry i didn't have more for you this go round, i barely made up my mind to post as is? it's just. my birthday's in a few days--the 26th--and i thought what better way to ring it in than to come back to this fic, my fucking baby since before i was old enough to even drive. anyway, im really grateful that so many of you stuck with me and kept commenting and checking up on me on my blog and generally caring about this dumb thing i made. you never pressured me to post, just loved this thing and supported it and i'm so grateful to have that. you make it possible. okay. your obedient servant nia as always @jamesmadiSIN on the twit and @irltrash on the tumblr. see you next time? meet me at the top of the next one, we'll have fun like we always do. love you love you love you.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed it, pls come sin with me on tumblr @ irltrash.tumblr.com or on twitter @jamesmadisin

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Revolutionary Squad](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6305827) by [stories4u](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stories4u/pseuds/stories4u)
  * [Volleymeme](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6258997) by [artrology](https://archiveofourown.org/users/artrology/pseuds/artrology)
  * [awesome, wow!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7321060) by [rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars/pseuds/rescuemechinboyandshowmethestars)
  * [HamTrash](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489509) by [Thedorktah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thedorktah/pseuds/Thedorktah)




End file.
